It's spring! Or, it's almost spring: at just before 1 p.m. today, it becomes spring, and you will feel a bounce in your step, like a caveperson exiting a cave for the first time in months, plucking the last of the winter's dinosaur jerky from between your teeth. The Times points us to some local celebrations, for those so inclined: in Bowling Green at 12:30 today, the egg-balancing will begin. ("A basket of 360 eggs will be provided for the eggshilarating standing ceremony.") Or on Sunday, you could meet up to celebrate "the Rites of Spring and Persephone's emergence from the Underworld." That's in room 302 [...]
"Yoncé"/"Partition" I mean, this is the song of our times. This is great. Everything about this is great. Literally every sentient being in the universe is credited on this song, although it sounds to me like a Timbaland joint. I hope that the person who wrote the line “I sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker” got paid many euros. The video is happening and it is great and retro. I myself have not performed (or, for that matter, received) fellatio in a limousine, so I will take her word for it that if Beyoncé herself were, indeed, performing it, it would require her going upon her [...]
The White House nominee for the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics not only went to left-wing Harvard, not only worked at the nefarious New York Fed, is not only married to a professor of sexy, sexy evolution (it's true! He studies sperm!), but, just like pretty much half of the bankers and lawyers in New York, she also sent her kids to Jewish summer camp, according to this shocking report in The Daily Caller. As you know, Israel is anti-America, because it's not actually in America, and also they let women serve in the military and have you heard about this whole "kibbutz" thing? Where they [...]
“We’re going so far, in many of our Patches, to host ‘Pizza Playoffs’ — a tournament-style bracket that pits all the pizza parlors in town into showdowns to attract the most comments and star-ratings. Features like this could go on for weeks at a time, and when one ends, another will begin.” —Forever and ever, amen
I don't even know. "In celebration of selling its millionth Butterbeer inside The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Universal Orlando Resort shared 1,000 complimentary Butterbeers with guests on the streets of Hogsmeade." Yes, really!
Oysters are a loogie in the culinary sandbox. An epicure will slurp them, but most folks would rather eat egg salad that’s been clotting on a picnic table for six hours. Consequently, any oyster dish is the ideal game-changer at your Thanksgiving table, and is odds-on to send that cousin-in-law whose name you can’t remember to the punchbowl to bob for the courage to hold his nose and swallow one whole.
My mother was an odd filly to pick up the oyster habit. Her Dust Bowl childhood in the Nebraska Sand Hills (which we only heard about every ten minutes: blizzards more blinding with each White Zin; a trek [...]
I am looking for a different perspective on my current relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for six years. I just recently moved in with him about four months ago. We have a pretty good relationship in that we hardly ever argue and still have sex fairly frequently, he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, and I enjoy being with him.
A few months before I moved in with him I had discovered something disturbing and highly confusing! I found that he had a fake Facebook account. He had pictures of a young man and was claiming he was 8 years younger then he actually is. [...]
People are always saying things on the Internet all the time. But they are such teases. We like details. So we have to ask.
TODAY IS THE DAY we install the soda fountain. Soon I will be sipping cold Diet Coke or else surveying the smoking ruins of my house
— Dan Kois (@dankois) September 9, 2013
Dan! So what happened here? We recently finished a kitchen renovation and are on the last step: Installing a three-flavor soda fountain that I purchased from a company on the internet. My contractor, who hates me, came over yesterday afternoon and together we spent several hours staring at instructions, wielding clamps [...]
"But in many observers’ telling, Friend had left these seekers no choice. They had to 'speak [their] truth,' they have said, on and offline, because Friend is 'like a thousand-headed Hindu painting,' 'a guy counting cards faster than you can imagine any human being able to count,' or a 'weird warlock perverted Dumbledore power whore.'" —The rise and fall of John Friend, the former king of anusara yoga.
14 teams enter. Only one can win. It's the Amazing Hoop Race! Oh yes, it is on: "Proceed to the nearest airport and take your hoops with you. At the airport, share the joy of hooping with others. Record a travelogue of all airport patrons that join you for an airport hooping session. Each person who hoops successfully with a member of your team is worth one point, although a pilot is worth 5 points and a flight attendant is worth 3." So all of the world should be warned about being approached by hot ladies with hula hoops.
"In 1982, I visited New York on a 36-hour long school trip to see Broadway plays. I bought an issue of the Village Voice that I *studied* for the next year, because the back pages and apartment rental listings told me everything I needed to know to be able to make my way from my hometown back to the Big Apple. In that issue was an Amy Arbus portrait of John Sex and Katy K that was really striking. I recall thinking 'Hey it’s the guy in that picture' the first time I saw John in a nightclub. He was one of those people who was a celebrity, [...]
The squeezing-in at the last second for Oscar consideration this year is already bananas.
You're not going to escape this one. According to this NASA satellite photo, the best thing to do is buy ALL the booze and cigarettes and pizza and batteries from the very nearest bodega and then just hope to Christ that Netflix Streaming doesn't go out. But it will go out, along with the power.
In positive news, it will be very beautiful after the storm. Just be careful not to step on frozen people and frozen stray pets, under the foot or three of fresh snow. What are your storm-coping tips?
From left to right: Miss Grandma's Backyard (Potato Salad Egg with Apricot Fizz); Mademoiselle Alsace-Lorraine (Creamy, Lemony Egg with Reisling-Plum-Rosemary Punch); Miss Soul Custardy (Vanilla Custard and Chocolate Egg in Phyllo with Peach-Cayenne Coffee Frappe); Senorita El Trionfo de la Revolucion (Chicken Liver and Havana Club Egg served with Barbadian Rum); Miss Piggie (Egg with Jowl, Side and Belly Bacon served with Mint Julep); Jury Award Winner: Miss Spicy German (Red Curry, Sweet Chili, and Spicy Chili Eggs with Home Brewed Double Wheat Ale).
There's no activity that can't be improved with a little competition. Down South, where I live, sporting activities are eschewed all summer. Instead we [...]