Posts tagged as Old People
Senator Confounded By Mystery Of Automatic Teller Machine
My dad is a man of the old school. He doesn't use a computer and isn't exactly interested in learning how to. (And forget about "the Internet." Just imagine how difficult it is to explain to him what I do for a living! I gave up after about the hundredth time and told him that I'm a script doctor for anal-themed porn movies. He seemed okay with it.) He likes to gamble, and when I was a kid and arcade games started to become popular he refused to understand the point of playing them, since "what do you win? You're just pissing those quarters away." And he is resolutely old fashioned when it comes to banking. (The man carries his cash in a money clip, for God's sake, although that might have more to do with the fact that he's Italian.) A couple years ago I went out to see my folks for the weekend and when he picked me up at the train I told him we needed to swing by the bank so I could take some money out. "Uh, you might have a problem there," he told me. "It's Saturday, genius. Banks are all closed." At the time I thought of it as part of his irascible charm, but I am now starting to realize that his ignorance of the workings of the ATM card might actually qualify him to be a United States Senator. Hell, he could even be on the Appropriations Committee. Although he'd probably have a hard time with all of those newfangled "press button to record vote" gizmos they've got now.
New Kodak Commercial More Like 'Poltergeist' Than Presumably Intended
What exactly is going on in that new Kodak Gallery commercial? A creepy piano tinkles as a little girl and a grandma shout to each other across the span of an absurdly large couch. Little girl says something stupid, grandma laughs at her stupidity. But the mood darkens when little girl asks grandma, "Were you ever in love?" Grandma answers with a cryptic, "Well..." The music intensifies, takes on an almost maniacal quality. Then the little girl says something about magic sea horses, grandma seems confused and, wait a minute-that couch is definitely getting smaller! Is this like an Alice In Wonderland thing? Or they're trying to convey the horror of senile dementia? Or, wait, is the grandma supposed to be a ghost? Are they both ghosts? Is this a commercial about the victims of some grisly, long-ago mass-murder coming back to haunt the living?
Golf Carts as Effective as Ice Floes for Dispatching Olds
As if insisting on living forever and eating up all the flu antidote isn't worthy of enough spite, aged Floridians are pimping out and driving golf carts around their retirement villages. This article has a series of photos of seniors who have hoarded all their money to build miniature Hummers on golf-cart chassis instead of giving it to their unemployed children with mortgages. But the silver-haired residents of these humid enclaves are actually doing us a big favor. Apparently, you don't need a license to push these things around at 40 mph and people with known cases of MS and FAILING EYESIGHT are hopping behind the wheel like it's no big deal. Now if we could only build a colosseum around them, sell tickets, give them each a shot of NyQuil and take bets on the herd-thinning odds, we'd be golden. Oh, and we'll need a merch table for plastic visors and koozies.
Elderviolence!
Good to know: Don't be surprised to see more violence from old people, particularly as the Baby Boomers start to realize that they're not going to live forever.
Rex Reed Presents: Hot Gershwin Jazz With Really Old Jews
Last night at the 92nd Street Y, the security man at the metal detector was saying, "Pacemaker? Pacemaker? Pacemaker?" And then a good number of men would skip around the security line and its potentially heartbeat-disrupting EMF. This was important because everyone there was amazingly, astoundingly old! Like, median age 80. They were going to see a night of songs with lyrics by Ira Gershwin, hosted by adorable film critic and bon vivant Rex Reed, and starring former "Dukes of Hazzard" star Tom Wopat and also Lucille Ball's daughter! READ MORE
New Eels Record In June!
Awl Business Manager David Cho feels like we should be skewing younger, particularly in regards to pop culture items, so he will be displeased to find that I am linking to the first video from the forthcoming Eels record Hombre Lobo, but whatever, I like Eels, and werewolves, and nobody sent me the new Rick Ross jam. So there.
The war on denim
You know what bothers old people these days? Jeans. They really, really hate jeans. Plus, they're freezing.
