Posts Tagged: Oh God

Ask Polly: I Moved To A New City To Be With An Emotional Vampire

Hi Polly,

I am stuck on my recent ex of about 15 months.

We began online and with distance. He was in a live-in relationship at that time. I told him that I was not interested in an online, long-distance relationship and that I definitely was not interested in an attached man but he assured me that these things were temporary—and I believed him. She was/is his boss (she got him the job) and he claimed he was fearful of repercussions and also that he feared she would kill herself or quit her job if he left her. He also said that he hated the city where he lives [...]


Last Week's 'Revenge' Illustrated by Cats

IDK. (via)


Reports of 7.4 Earthquake in Japan

A 7.4 magnitude earthquake appears to have taken place in Japan ten minutes ago, with an accompanying tsunami warning. Here are the USGS maps. According to the NOAA Pacific Tsunami Warning Center, "A DESTRUCTIVE PACIFIC-WIDE TSUNAMI IS NOT EXPECTED AND THERE IS NO TSUNAMI THREAT TO HAWAII."


Wacky State Budget Mix-Up Fixed

"It's like Rasputin. It never goes away." New York governor David Paterson discusses the 2010 budget, which he signed into law last night after discovering that the bill he signed last week was actually an incorrect version mistakenly sent to him by the Assembly. Because, you know, this is New York.


SIREN.GIF 'Paris Review' Reneges On Language!

"After n+1 snuck through three more runs in the third, we knew we had to respond," writes Christopher Cox on The Paris Review's blog, in an account of that publication's recent loss to all the sporty young men of n+1 on the softball field. *HISSES* *THROWS FIT* For this transgression of English I HOLD THE ENTIRE MASTHEAD ACCOUNTABLE, but must single out (ha, sports pun, sorry!) new editor Lorin Stein and managing editor Caitlin Roper. You're dead to us now.


Dakota Fanning's Eyes Have Seen Many Things

Man, I am so the embarrassed emoticon in the face right now because this Dakota Fanning Teen Vogue shoot makes me feel spectacularly gonzo in the crotch. I KNOOOOOW. I'm SORRY but I CAN'T HELP IT because I don't think it even matters if you're a dirty old man or not because her freakshow precocious eyes accuse you of thinking things and then forgives you and the whole thing makes me feel filthy.


Every Teen Should Have Their Phone Taken Away RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY, NOW

"I realized in life there’s only two ways for a girl to go, and that’s to be a dumb bitch or just a bitch. I decided that from now on I’m just gonna be a bitch, ’cause at least from now on guys would be intimidated by me. At least I would have the upper hand."

—Feeling okay about the kids today and social media? WELL DEFINITELY DON'T READ THIS THEN, OH JESUS, IT'S REAL BAD OUT THERE. Also who knew that was a hotbed of teen viciousness? (Teens. Teens knew. Teeeeens.) Oh man, poor teens. :(


Do Not Talk to This Man if You See Him on the Street

"He had already told me a lunatic story about meeting a hooker who knew a gay porn actor who did security for Christina Aguilera and had knowledge of a transvestite that a Yankees star kept in an apartment on Central Park South. The gay porn actor also happened to be diddling a Hollywood director. Via this most exotic of connections, Howie claimed to have had a few conversations with the director, who had put him in touch with his agent at Creative Artists Agency. The agent stopped taking Howie's calls within the week." —It doesn't take long in the endlessly sordid tale of the life of Howard Spira [...]


Man Accidentally Explains How Stupid Men Semi-Secretly Are

Local magazine allows man to write about "man secrets." Horrible badness ensues.


Important Thing You Need To Get For Your Kids

"It's one of the most important and least expensive gifts you can give your children-or any loved one, for that matter." Can you guess what "it" is? I bet you can't!


Horror Chick: Do Not See 'The Human Centipede' Unless You Are a Sick, Sick Puppy, And Even Then Reconsider

It's time to add a new type of bad movie to the ever-growing list: The aggressively bad movie. There's no ironic badness or nudge-nudge wink-ery here-it's more like "screw you, you were sucker enough to see this movie and now we will do our best to make bile shoot straight up your esophagus and launch out your nostrils" bad. Our prime example: The Human Centipede (in theaters-or maybe just one theater, IFC). "Wait," you say, "isn't that the 'ass-to-mouth' movie?" Yes. Yes it is. In every literal and figurative sense.


"Come Back With Your Commandments, Or On Them"

Oh, why not? "20th Century Fox has made a preemptive acquisition of a pitch to tell the story of Moses in '300' style. The tale will start with his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharoah and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement." Kick-ass! I bet Moses is gonna be ripped. And cut, obvs.


I Can't


— Drudge ebooks (@Drudge_ebooks) February 14, 2012

So also this is happening.


"Straight Men are Doing Stranger Workouts"

“I think more straight men are doing stranger workouts. A lot more people are going to yoga and pilates… and it’s more social, and people are dressing up a little bit more." The zeitgeist of New York City, according to the New York Post and a gay gadabout. Goodness. It's almost like every young person goes through the same trends every two years and announces them as global!


American Poet To Legally Change His Name To "American Poetry"

Our poet friend Jim Behrle has had enough (of some toxic substance). "Since I've pretty much burned through the good name my parents gave me, I've decided this is as good a time as ever to legally change my name to 'American Poetry.'"


"How do Girls Wearing Rompers Go to the Bathroom?"

This is one of the five things you see on Twitter before you die. (Another being TWEETS FROM YOUR GLEEFUL EXECUTIONER.) It is: "How do girls wearing rompers go to the bathroom? Is it just really awkward?" Well, it had to be asked. Because apparently the romper/jumpsuit thing is out of control-so much so that the Houston Chronicle, that arbiter of fashion, is all over it. Oh yes: "There are short romper styles at Wal-Mart and elegant jumpsuits at Nordstrom and other upscale retailers." Wal-Mart, people. And "upscale"-like Nordstrom! Oh my. Also NewsNet5 is on the case: "Rompers are all the rage this summer!" Haha, [...]


Hey, Your Family Is Really Quite Naked on Your Christmas Card, by Joel Johnson

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today, we're pleased to bring you this report by Joel Johnson, who at this time is very disturbed by someone's Christmas card.

Robert X. Cringley is a strange dude. Ostensibly a tech pundit, he sort of busted himself out of a brief moment of Slashdot-era sun when it became clear that he had lied about having a Ph.D. from Stanford and there were also some not-at-all accurate stories about magical Wi-Fi repeaters. And also he is "known for" his family's Christmas cards, he related today, because "we [...]