Posts Tagged: nuts

America's Deeply Incorrect New Nut Ranking

"In 2012 Americans ate more almonds per capita than shelled and unshelled snack peanuts combined (not including peanut butter)." Almonds are great—especially in milk form—but what the fuck is wrong with you America?

Nuts, properly ranked (updated for 2014):


Skydiving Stunt Worth Lots To Energy Drink Brand Because Man Didn't Die

"The sponsorship transcended sports and entertainment into Pop Culture, hitting new consumers that Red Bull does not usually capture, and on a global scale. The value for Red Bull is in the tens of millions of dollars of global exposure, and Red Bull Stratos will continue to be talked about and passed along socially for a very long time." A marketing executive is happy that skydiving daredevil Felix Baumgartner did not plummet to his death yesterday.


Nuts, In Order

11. Cashew 10. Peanut 9. Chestnut 8. Brazil 7. Filbert 6. Hazelnut 5. Walnut 4. Pistachio 3. Almond 2. Pecan 1. Macadamia

Photo by Eric Kilby.


Your Nuts


Put Some Nuts In Your Mouth If You Want To Live

"Eating a handful of nuts each day could help you live a longer and healthier life, according to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine Wednesday." This authoritative guide will help you figure out what nut is best for you (and everyone else.)


Do Not Talk to This Man if You See Him on the Street

"He had already told me a lunatic story about meeting a hooker who knew a gay porn actor who did security for Christina Aguilera and had knowledge of a transvestite that a Yankees star kept in an apartment on Central Park South. The gay porn actor also happened to be diddling a Hollywood director. Via this most exotic of connections, Howie claimed to have had a few conversations with the director, who had put him in touch with his agent at Creative Artists Agency. The agent stopped taking Howie's calls within the week." —It doesn't take long in the endlessly sordid tale of the life of Howard Spira [...]


Local Rich Man Bankrolled Anti-Mosque PR Campaign

Long Island-based Republican megadonor and hedge fund honcho Robert Mercer (and his wife, Diana) gave more than $100,000 in the 2010 election cycle to people like Michele Bachmann. (Also his three daughters donate big-time as well, at least in name, although certainly one of them has her own money, from her $2 million settlement against Duke, from when she was kicked off the football team for being a girl. So she's that unusual thing: a far-right gender equality litigant! She also runs, with her sisters, a bakery in New York City—while donating to Jim DeMint. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! We are a nation of diversity!) We bring up [...]


The New Shooting Target For Reasonable Gun Owners: Your Bra-Clad "Ex"

"Believe it or not, what's missing from the current shout-fest over guns and gun control is the voice of gun owners." —Dan Baum, author of Gun Guys.

"The dark haired one looks like my bitch ex-wife, who I HATE! I can't wait to shoot her face off for taking my shit." —John Davis, gun guy and fan of the "Bleeding 'The Ex' Zombie Life-Sized Tactical Mannequin Target."


Farsighted Legislation Protects Your Terrible Nut Freedoms

"The Department is prohibited by law from restricting the serving of peanuts aboard aircraft unless a peer-reviewed study determines that serving of peanuts causes severe reactions among airline passengers. There has been no such peer-reviewed study, so we declined to take action at this time." —The Department of Transportation cannot take away your American right to having peanuts—the second-worst nuts—on your terrible airplane ride.


Biased Reporter Says Capuchin Monkeys Are The Best At Cracking Open Nuts

Discovery's Jennifer Viegas writes a total puff piece about wild bearded capuchin monkeys, to whom she fawningly refers as "the real nut-cracking kings." Apparently a team of scientists led by Qing Liu of the University of Georgia recently did some study or other of the way Brazilian capuchins make anvils out of logs and use stones as hammer to crack open palm nuts. This is apparently a big deal and Viegas thinks the monkeys are super-smart.