New Jersey And Mountain Lions Really Not Perfect Together @10:50 AM
There have been four reports of possible mountain lion sightings in densely populated central New Jersey over the past week. People are alarmed. Helicopters have been on the hunt. A motion-sensitive camera has been trained on a deer carcass set up in the woods as bait. Police are skeptical. Mountain lions have been extinct in the Northeast nearly a century. "We’re not out chasing a mountain lion nor do we believe there is a mountain lion," said Manalapan police captain Chris Marsala. But I don't think this is about a curly-haired student filming himself masturbating in classrooms at Brookdale Community College. 6
New Jersey Sucker Birthrate Probably Double The National Average @12:15 PM
A woman named Karen Brown, of Randolph, New Jersey, is suing her former psychic counselor for fraud, claiming the storefront clairvoyant, Paula Lee, took her for $160,000. As the Asbury Park Press reports: "Brown became convinced that Lee 'had genuine psychic abilities, powers and the ability to influence future events,' the suit said. She claimed she could communicate with departed souls and convinced Brown she was under a curse and 'dark forces were obstructing her efforts to find happiness,' the suit said." While it's difficult to totally excuse the victim in such a case, Ms. Lee seems like a particularly predatory fake-psychic. Besides depression and marital problems, Brown was suffering from cancer. And Lee allegedly told her she would die without her help. That's just not nice. 3
Mystery "Midnight Knitter" Making Jersey Look Soft @10:30 AM
Come on New Jersey. You can't be doing vandalism by knitting yarn cozies on lamp posts and tree trunks. Sure, it's pretty. And the little pink pom-pom is a nice touch. And yes sometimes I worry that trees might be getting too cold at night, too. And I can understand about getting "sick of knitting kitten mittens." But come on, there are better crimes to commit. Think about your rep, knitter-bro. 3
Going Outside: St. Patrick’s Day Festivities, Hoboken, NJ, March 6 @4:20 PM
From time to time, The Awl likes to explain to Internet denizens what the world beyond the great inside is like. Here is one such explanation, describing a recent trip to locations on the Eastern seaboard of the United States.
We had missed the parade. Or maybe it was somewhere else. The sidewalk was packed with bad faces. A guy had his pants down and was trying to walk. The cops were wearing long leather jackets. I grew up in Jersey, and I remembered bad faces, but I couldn’t remember cops ever wearing jackets like that, leather and big gold buttons. Every bar had a line out the door. The gay bar had taken down their rainbow flag and they had a line out the door too. A group of girls staggered past us. They shouted that they were “pizza whores” and went into a crowded pizza joint. One of those girls had beer sunglasses, my friend said. I thought he probably meant beer goggles, but with the novelty junk they were selling on every corner, I don’t know. READ MORE 19
Closing Up The Cracks In The Garden State @12:30 PM
And then there is this, out of Jersey: "Six women from the Essex County area who wanted fuller bottoms ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs, officials said. The women checked into hospitals in the county after their procedures, apparently administered by unlicensed providers, went horribly wrong, state health officials said. The women underwent surgery and were given antibiotics. No arrests have been made." 11
Head to The Smoking Gun for "an entertaining selection of complaint letters sent to turnpike officials by motorists who ran into assorted trouble when trying to pay their way on the Garden State Parkway or the New Jersey Turnpike." @3:00 PM 7
86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has received a diagnosis of stomach cancer following an incident in which he was hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. The cancer is treatable, and the senator's spokesfolk say that Lautenberg will be just fine and still plans to run for re-election when his term expires in 2014. And he's keeping up with the news! "In recent days, Lautenberg had been in touch with his staff and was on the phone a short time ago discussing the [Very Bad Things done by a Very Famous Person], his aides said ." So there's that! @1:20 PM 3
Britons Apparently Still Angry About That Whole "New" Jersey Thing @11:40 AM
This is one of those weird intersections where Jersey Mayhem meets Knifecrime Island: Brendan Byrne, the former governor of New Jersey, was punched in the face by an unprovoked attacker as he and his wife exited London's Waterloo Station. The 85-year-old Byrne tells the Star-Ledger that, "I think I’m alright. I have some cuts on my face. I never fell down, like when I fought Muhammad Ali." (The governor and Ali "sparred" in an 1979 charity match.) "I'm surviving."
Good for him, and best wishes on a speedy recovery. I think we can all be grateful that this was just a simple assault, rather than a more serious glassing. Because you don't want to give folks in Jersey any ideas. 5
Jersey Mayhem: Cop Snowballer Now Hottest Dude In Jersey @9:25 AM
Matthew Beck is one New Jersey fella who will be getting some this weekend. And when he does, he'll have the the JERSEY MAYHEM!!! section of the Asbury Park Press to thank. Also, the snow, his exceptional aim, his poor judgment and Hanover Township police officer Dominic Kaiser. READ MORE 3
Jersey Mayhem: Proud State Tradition Caught On Tape @11:00 AM
Because New Jersey's reputation as a corruption mecca could use some burnishing, here is some videotape that could help. Meet former Jersey City deputy mayor Leona Beldini, READ MORE 2
The New Jersey legislature approved a bill legalizing medical marijuana in the state. The bill's passage caps a lame duck legislative session which recently saw the failure of a measure to allow marriage equality in the state, making for what Andrew Sullivan would call "a mixed bag." @10:40 AM 4
Jersey Mayhem: Policeman Unhurt By Shooting Someone Else In The Face @11:20 AM
Very bad Jersey Mayhem last night—a Jersey City police officer shot 18-year-old high school senior Kwadir Felton "through the eye." Felton survived and is recovering at the hospital. The undercover officer was in a pickup truck, which Felton approached, and he shot the teen through the window of the car, according to the police. I suppose it's just space-filling when the AP closes their report with "the officer, who was working undercover, was not hurt." 2
The New Jersey State Senate will vote on gay marriage before the lame duck session of the legislature expires. Senate President Dick Codey will put the bill up for debate this Thursday. Should it pass, the Assembly would then take a crack at it. But, uh, don't get your hopes up. It ain't happening. Sigh. @2:38 PM 1
Jersey Mayhem: Knife-Happy Road Rager Busted In Mall Parking Lot @9:45 AM
Apart from certain MTV-related mishegas, it's been a relatively mayhem-free week in New Jersey. But there is this: "Police: Ocean Township man threatened motorist with knife for driving too slow." From the Asbury Park Press: "According to police, Christopher Tilas, 19, pulled alongside a 2009 Hyundai he had initially been unable to pass and threatened the car passenger with a knife. The driver of the car, a 23-year-old woman from Howell, called police as she drove into the parking lot of the Seaview Mall." When you think about it, this story is really a classic example of Jersey mayhem. READ MORE 11
The New Jersey Senate withdrew legislation aimed at making gay marriage legal out of concern that they didn't have enough votes to pass it. The hope was that the state Assembly would pass the bill, giving it enough momentum to then make it through the Senate. The clock is running down—incoming governor Chris Christie is opposed to the bill, so if the legislature actually can pass it, they need to do it before Jon Corzine leaves office—and the Assembly has not yet scheduled the bill. @12:50 PM 3
"New Jersey is reality central. If you went through all the casts of people on reality shows, you would find more people from New Jersey than any other area, except maybe L.A. People from New Jersey run the gamut. They're eccentric, they're from rich areas and poor areas. Maybe it's because they've got that chip on their shoulder because of New York, but they always put out that little extra effort."
—New York Reality TV School instructor Robert Galinsky adds another entry to the long list of reasons for which Garden State residents can take pride. @9:30 AM 11
Gay Marriage: A Good Argument For Death Panels? @10:40 AM
New Jersey's State Senate votes on gay marriage tomorrow, and, despite the support of Garden State God Bruce Springsteen, the bill seems unlikeley to pass. If that's the case, it will be a dispiriting end to what has been a terrible year for supporters of marriage equality. Ben Smith reports that opponents are suggesting that the string of defeats undermines the idea that gay marriage is inevitable, but it does not: It just pushes everything back a decade or two. Sorry, gays! Come back and see us when all the old people die. At that point you'll be the only ones getting married anyway. 12
What You're Watching Next @3:50 PM
Now that "Mad Men" has concluded its season, the braintrust here at The Awl is in intense discussion over what television product we should next subject to scrutiny. I suggested this, but I'm getting some pushback from the rest of the team. Any ideas? 45
Loser Governor Could Have Been Less Of A Loser AND Taken The Summer Off @2:20 PM
At some point this summer the White House asked New Jersey Senate President Dick Codey, the state's most popular politician, if he would consider running for governor in place of Jon Corzine, who was down fourteen points in the polls and being pressured considering dropping out of the race. Corzine ultimately decided to stick it out and Codey backed him up. Now Corzine will sit around waiting for a vacant ambassadorship while Codey is about to be deposed from his leadership role by Senator Steve Sweeney. New Jersey Democrats: now 50% less ruthlessly efficient than previous! 2
Fat Laddie Sings For Jon Corzine @11:30 AM
I'm not sure what to say about the New Jersey race, where Chris Christie defeated incumbent Governor Jon Corzine by about 49-44, with independent candidate Chris Daggett pulling down a disappointing 5% of the vote. The Star-Ledger's Paul Mulshine has an interesting column that argues Christie, because of his unwillingness to offer specifics during the campaign, will take office without any real mandate and face a hostile legislature, but as for the campaign itself, I guess the real lesson here is that if the electorate already hates your guts and wants you gone it doesn't matter how many times you remind it that your opponent is a gigantic steel drum of adipose tissue. Put that one in the books with the incumbent rule. 10
Jolly Gubernatorial Candidate Tackles Weight Issue @3:30 PM
New Jersey Republican Chris Christie appeared on Don Imus' radio program this morning and addressed Gov. Jon Corzine's not-so-subtle attempts at suggesting Christie is perhaps carrying a bit too much weight. "If you're going to do it, at least man up and say I'm fat," Christie said of the governor. "Afterwards he wusses out and says 'no, no, no. I didn't mean that I don't know what you're talking about.' Man up. If you say I'm fat, I'm fat. Let's go. Let's talk about it." Christie then proceeded to discuss the issue. Partial transcript follows. READ MORE 14
Corzine Opening Up Gigantic Enormous Fatty Fat Fat Lead On Christie? @1:15 PM
A new poll gives New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine a nine point lead over Republican challenger Chris Christie, which seems kind of insane given that every other poll shows the race dead even or with Corzine having a slight edge. "If these numbers are real I'll eat my hat," Christie did not say, but it would be pretty funny if he did. 7
Officer Dill In A Pickle, Suffers Window Pain @2:50 PM
What's new in Jersey Mayhem? Oh, "Police: Keansburg woman threw storm door window pane at officer." That's interesting. The Asbury Park Press reports that, while resisting arrest on an outstanding warrant, 42-year-old Valerie L. Wiggs attacked Keansburg police officer Tiffanie Dill. First with a bag of groceries, then: "Wiggs bolted from the officer, then removed the window pane from her door and threw it at Dill's face, but the officer managed to turn and the window hit her in the back, police said." Wiggs locked herself inside her apartment until more police arrived and kicked down her door. The she was arrested and charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, possession of a weapon for unlawful purposes (the grocery bag?), unlawful possession of a weapon (the storm window?), obstruction and disorderly conduct. Officer Dill declined medical attention. 6
Woke Up This Morning @3:20 PM
Ah, New Jersey: "In yet another bizarre turn in an already crazy gubernatorial campaign, independent candidate Chris Daggett this week made a mistake he'll not soon forget: His returned a loaner car to a dealership with a loaded gun in it." Now, to be fair, the gun apparently belongs to Daggett's driver, a retired state trooper. But who wants to be fair? 5
Neck And Neck In New Jersey @10:40 AM
With two weeks remaining until New Jersey's gubernatorial election, Republican Chris Christie's lead—which was at one point in the double digits—has completely evaporated; the latest poll finds him completely even with Governor Jon Corzine. Whether or not Christie can pull it out—and none of the trends are in his favor—there's a valuable lesson here that future challengers running against incumbents, no matter how unpopular, need to learn: It is not enough to simply be "the other guy." You also have to stick to the salad. You fat fuck. present a detailed and credible plan that explains how your policies will be more effective than your opponent's. It's that simple. 25
The Saddest Blowjob Story Ever @12:30 PM
"At first I kept saying, 'No, no, no.' But then I thought, If you send a tourist away angry, they'll tell people not to come to Atlantic City. I don't think she would have been able to convince me if I wasn't so tired."
—Former Atlantic City councilman Eugene Robinson, testifying at the trial of three men who allegedly hired a prostitute to seduce him on behalf of a rival politician. Robinson and the woman went to a motel, where he was secretly videotaped while she performed oral sex on him. The defendants are currently on trial for conspiracy, criminal coercion, and invasion of privacy. This is an amazing story, even for New Jersey. 17
Chris Christie's Handlers Are Trying To Kill Him With Food @1:05 PM
New Jersey Republican gubernatorial hopeful Chris Christie's schedule today:
1 p.m. Christie drops by Franklin Steakhouse and Tavern, Franklin Steakhouse and Tavern, 522 Franklin Avenue, Nutley.
2 p.m. Chris Christie stops by the Garfield AARP Senior Pizza Party, Frank B. Calandriello Senior Center, 480 Midland Avenue, Garfield.
Dude, those double lunches are NOT GONNA HELP. 3
Man's Lack Of Hair Used To Confirm Other Man's Ample Girth @1:40 PM
"Am I bald?"
—New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, responding to an editorial board's question asking if he thought opponent Chris Christie was "fat." [Via] 2
Tub Of Gubernatorial Ambition Weighs Heavily On Voters @1:20 PM
The Times takes a look at the effect that New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine's ad about rival Chris Christie's massive blimposity is having on the electorate. With polls showing the beleaguered incumbent finally tied with his challenger, it is pretty clearly working.
In a recent survey conducted by Monmouth University, voters were asked to say the first thing that came to mind about Mr. Christie. "Fat" was one of the most frequent responses, said Patrick Murray, the director of the poll, who attributed the results to the Corzine ads.
But read further and there is something rather shocking. READ MORE 8
Tied Up In Jersey @10:50 AM
The happiest words among New Jersey Democrats today are "margin of error," because that what incumbent Governor Jon Corzine is well within, according to the latest poll. Considering that everyone in New Jersey still hates him, how has Corzine managed to pull even with Republican Chris Christie, who just a month ago had a double-digit lead? READ MORE 7
