Posts Tagged: Miami
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Phone Home, Astrodome: Inside America's Brave And Crumbling Stadiums

Sheer size is generally a strong guarantee of commercial longevity in American society. Consider Sport Utility Vehicles throughout almost every variation in gas prices. Consider the Big Gulp. But when it comes to some of our largest feats of construction—sporting facilities—immense size won’t usually even guarantee a lifespan as long as the most immemorable ranch home. How old is your house or residence? And how many people live there? The Houston Astrodome has a capacity of 67,925,and is 49 years old. It may not last to see 50.

Tastes are fickle, extortionate team demands are common, and the drive for novelty is endless, but the sheer inability of the greatest [...]

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America's Worst Driving City

Do you need proof that Miami has the worst driving conditions of any city in these here United States? Check this morning's accident reports. Apart from "Dead man in street blocking traffic at Biscayne Blvd. and 79th St." (!!??), there are 13 other car accidents, including two hit and runs. Let's see how lunchtime goes!

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Bunch of Newspapers About to Needlessly Hit the Skids

This time it's Newhouse/Advance's turn to destroy a newspaper: the New Orleans Times-Picayune, to be specific, which will fire a bunch of people, stop publishing daily and generally be suckier. (Also: "a new company, NOLA Media Group, will run the newspaper and its website, and another new company will print and deliver the paper." Innnntriguing.) Enjoy your new life blogging on this hot mess! Your move, McClatchy! Oh wait, Jake Gyllenhaal's uncle has got the destruction covered, okay, great. The whole thing about corporate reorganizing is most interesting: "Tribune and Advance are creating subsidiary companies for their newspapers." Hey, that's what I would do if [...]

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A Tale of Two Occupy Movements: Oakland and Miami

Last night, Occupy Miami was rousted from their encampment, with a few arrested (including photographer Carlos Miller). They have negligible local support, and are remote enough from the rest of the Occupy movement that they're pretty much on their own. (Good news: the camp-clearing was "carried out almost completely without violence," except for when they clubbed a dude.) The small organization will have to regroup without an encampment; it's a hard movement to sustain in isolation, though they say they'll try. (Hint: what a prime American location for an Occupy movement to move homeless people into foreclosed houses!) That's the opposite of Oakland, where Saturday's large [...]

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Crooked Former Cop Busted in Illegal Marmoset Sale

"A former Miami-Dade police officer, convicted of shaking down a motorist during a traffic stop, admitted Tuesday to violating his probation—because he got busted for allegedly hawking an illegally kept monkey." —Florida!

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Today's Recall Election: A Warning to the Future

Oh yes: you probably do not know this, unless you read all of the papers. (And if you do read all the papers, that means you got to enjoy "Recall election could trigger change," a real doozy from the Herald, though they also have this brisk and informative thing for those unfamiliar. Trigger change! It sure could. Or could not. Anyway!) Today the mayor of Miami and also a Miami-Dade county commissioner are up for a recall vote, which is notably the work of one man. One billionaire, no less: Norman Braman. Now… the squeaky thing here is: he's right! There should be an ability to recall these [...]

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Luther Campbell Is Talking About Running For Mayor Of Miami

"I have a plan for the schools. We need to have three types of them: one for kids who plan to attend college, one for those who don't, and a third for the knuckleheads. A big reason F-schools exist is that you have a lot of knuckleheads bringing good students down. These are realistic goals. If our leaders don't see fit to implement them, then I'll be forced to run for mayor myself." —It seems harder and harder for something to register as remarkable in American politics, but if 2 Live Crew founder Luther Campbell was to run for mayor of Miami, that would probably do it. [...]

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Florida Preparing For Sea Rise With Jesus Lessons

Chuck Watson, a "disaster-­impact analyst," "recalls attending a meeting on natural-hazard-response planning in South Florida, funded by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the state: 'I mentioned sea-level rise, and I was treated to a 15-minute lecture on Genesis by one of the commissioners. He said, God destroyed the Earth with water the first time, and he promised he wouldn't do it again. So all of you who are pushing fears about sea-level rise, go back and read the Bible.'"

So yeah this Rolling Stone article on how Florida will be a disaster over the next 80 years didn't go over so well. "I was hopeful of a more [...]

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Did You Survive the Weekend with Your Face Intact?

"The bizarre syndrome, first diagnosed in Miami, transforms its typically sane victim into a slobbering, raging, supernaturally strong menace hell-bent on self-destruction," wrote the Miami New Times in 2010. "Excited Delirirum," is a focus of inquiry the Department of Neurology at the University of Miami School of Medicine; identified in the 80s among cocaine users, it's not necessarily drug-induced, but it sure helps (cocaine interferes with dopamine transportation in the brain, then things go haywire (technical term)). And then, next thing you know, you're naked on the side of the highway, chewing off someone's face: "After an officer approached… 'The guy just stood, his head [...]

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Why Aren't We Using Roving Sex Offenders as 4G Hotspots?

"State probation officials are aware of the sidewalk camp — in fact, the men there say their probation officers directed them to the corner after leaving prison. Because of a strict Miami-Dade County law, the camp is in one of the few areas where sex offenders may legally reside." —If only we could put these GPS-tracked sex offenders to use somehow….

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"'Who is Newt Gingrich?' Asked Skrawberry, a 26-year-old Miami Stripper"

Lol ok RT @doug_hanks: @Skraw_Berry Thanks Skraw_Berry. Check out tomorrow's People page in the Herald for the final write-up.

—I'm A CELEBRITY™ (@Skraw_Berry) January 30, 2012

'Who is Newt Gingrich?' asked Skrawberry, a 26-year-old Miami stripper occupying a back table at Jerry’s Famous Deli during the live broadcast. She and friends gathered there for a post-clubbing breakfast, drinking from a $450 bottle of Moet pink champagne left over from their night at the Fontainebleau’s LIV.

On the web, usually pictures trounce words, and yesterday's picture of talking head TV crews overlapping with South Beach nightlife at dawn was pretty choice, but actually the [...]

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And the Award for America's Most Dysfunctional City Goes To…

This is how you do it in the new South, which is the new Wild Wild West: "Miami police chief says he was offered $400,000 to leave the city." Oh yeah! You can't get the goods to fire the chief of police—Somehow? Despite "a botched anti-corruption probe, and videos showing officers beating partiers on Halloween" and a reality show pilot that was like a Steven Seagal movie but more racist—you just offer him something shy of half a million to slink away. Good stuff: "The battle between the police chief and the mayor began over a year ago, in April 2010, after a series of botched, high-profile [...]

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Luther Campbell Is In Fact Running For Mayor Of Miami

"Even though all my stripper friends are gonna be mad at me, I think we can stimulate the economy with a tax on strippers. They make all this money and don't pay taxes. I'd take that cash and put it into a fund where it supports youth athletics for girls like cheerleading or softball. Or it can go to help pay for existing little girls programs that are struggling to get government assistance." —It's official. Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell is running for mayor of Miami-Dade County. Remarkable.

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Miami Terror Machine: Who Is Francisco Chávez Abarca?

According to this convoluted Miami Herald article that macerates its own opening, the recently arrested Francisco Chávez Abarca, who is accused of terrorist attacks in Cuba in the 90s, is actually a double-agent mystery man in a thriller of international suspense and intrigue. He admits to planting bombs in hotels and colluding with others on the bombing of Cubana Flight 455, but maybe he's just a patsy in a game of cloak and dagger and disinformation to tarnish the good name of admitted terrorist Posada Carriles?

Actually, no, none of that makes any sense. Some back-story might be helpful.

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Miami Goes Full Cuba–They're Going to Mandate Sick Days for Workers!!!

Frightening news for Miami's aging right-wing Cuban population: the county is considering going FULL-FIDEL. One lone City Commissioner/communist is putting forward an ordinance that will force all employers to let their employees accrue sick time. This is worse than Obamacare! Nearly half of all workers in the county currently do not get sick time, according to "some random dude from a union," whose pockets are lined with money stolen from little children.

Local Miami commenters respond to the Herald's shocking report:

• "why should they even have to work!!! ill just send them money."

• "What I don't understand is that if the liberals want this, why don't [...]

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Black People Incoming! Miami Beach on Max Lockdown!

You may remember how last Memorial Day, Miami Beach police officers gunned down black tourists and seized the cellphones of anyone recording the cops in action. (Spoiler: the shot bystanders, ignored for a full year now, are suing!) Well, Urban Beach Weekend is back again this weekend, and the city is ready! They've installed a "one-time" DUI checkpoint, some watch towers, scanners that record everyone's license plates, some "light towers," some road blocks—and a whites-only bridge. Oops sorry, "residents-only" bridge. (Ahem: "tourists will be given the impression that they can’t get in.") Let's look at some notable quotables from the Herald today, which are likely [...]

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Reagan Proven Much More Awesome at Fixing America Than Obama

"How do conditions compare locally to when the Reagan administration was asking for a second term. Statistically, have we seen the same kind of recovery from the 2007-to-2009 recession as we did from the 1980-to-1982 recession? Not to ruin the suspense, but the charts below suggest the answer is 'no.' The Miami area enjoyed a much more robust recovery at the end of the Reagan first term than it has under the Obama first term." —Well, there you have it then.

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Big Boi Reenacts Classic Scene From 'Animal House' In Miami Courtroom

Millions-selling, Grammy-award winning, penguin and Kate Bush-loving rapper Big Boi appeared in a Miami court room yesterday to accept a plea deal in lieu of jail time for the felony drug charges he received after being arrested upon disembarking a cruise ship in August. If he passes three months of drug testing, completes fifteen hours of community service, and donates $2,000 to charity, the charges will be dismissed. Between the outfit he chose to wear to court, though, and his unsolicited sign-off at the end of the proceedings, it seems like he was maybe having a bit of fun at the expense of Dean Wormer [...]

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The Heat: "America’s Worst Sporting Nightmare is Coming True"

The official Miami Herald line on The Heat, in light of last night's game 4 victory against the Bulls? "Deal with it, haters." Okay it's mostly over (the series is 3-1) but it ain't over yet, and it did go into overtime, and now they're off to Chicago, so maybe hold off just a little, Gloatsy McGloats-a-lot?

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Hilarious Reality TV Cop Scandal Engulfs Crazy City

Pop quiz: what's America's seventh-largest metropolitan area and also its number-one most crazy? Here's a story, though, as these sort of things generally are, it's a bit impenetrable. The distilled version: Miami's police chief agreed to let the department star in a docusoap pilot about the hot and steamy life of cops in the City. But then he saw a cut of it, and saw that it was totally crazy—and learned it was produced by the Mayor's son!—and withdrew his participation. What a good guy! Except that was all lies, as his emails later proved. He had already known that the Mayor's son had recused himself from the [...]