If you thought the "Happy Birthday David" short was an ingenious bit of marketing for Ridley Scott's upcoming Prometheus, wait til you see this.

Perhaps hoping to disprove the economic axiom that we cannot make a living by selling each other hamburgers, McDonald's will today add fuel to the nascent recovery by hiring 50,000 new workers nationwide. How is that possible? Maybe because the chain is the only place people can afford to eat at anymore. In any event, "The new openings are available across 14,000 restaurants and include crew and management positions, part-time and full-time jobs. The average starting wage is $8 an hour, a McDonald's (MCD, Fortune 500) spokeswoman said." Welcome to the new McConomy!

Someone compared the Chicken McNuggets produced by domestic McDonald's to those sold on Knifecrime Island, and congratulations, America: "McNuggets made in U.S. stores are higher in fat and calories and contain the chemicals tBHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, a petroleum-based product, and dimethylpolysiloxane, an anti-foaming agent used in cosmetics and even Silly Putty." But don't worry: "The use of tertiary butylhydroquinone in the fast-food chain's fried chicken pieces meets Chinese food safety standards, McDonald's unit in the nation said in an e-mailed statement." Even though the chemical is toxic to "some extent," according to a Chinese nutritionist! Get me a 20-piece, please?

Oh no no no. NO NO NO. Do not MESS WITH MY BEARS, you poison-pushing obesifiers. This is just so very wrong. BACK AWAY FROM THE BEARS, McDonald's. Also, stay away from human children while you're at it.

A blogger has put together a map that shows which fast-food chains dominate which smoke-choked highways of this vast nation. It looks like your normal heat map of the U.S.A. (complete with big lavenderish splat over Texlahoma that represents Sonic) until you realize: All that black space isn't neutral, but controlled by McDonald's. (It took me a few seconds, too.) [Via]

Above, Justin Bieber in a radio station studio, rapping over the beat Bad Boy Records producer Nashiem Myrick made for the Notorious B.I.G.'s 1995 classic "Who Shot Ya."

Fast food may not be heroin (oy!) but working in fast food sure will screw you up if you ever require basic medical treatment. Now McDonald's says it "won't" drop its meager health insurance for 30,000 hourly workers but it also then said that probably "we're going to have to look for alternatives."

A couple in Kirkland, WA, claims that a Shrek promotional toy from McDonald's has taught their two-year-old son Tyler to say a very bad word. (The word, which the reporter in this story can only say "appears to be a slang term for the female anatomy, followed by the word 'pork,'" is "pussy.") Is it actually what one of these Teutonic swines is uttering? Judge for yourself here. Depending on your perspective, this is either further evidence that McDonald's should stop luring children with toys or yet another example of how Americans who want to get on TV simply need to go to the local news with [...]

Is there a more a dangerous place to work than at a McDonald's? Remember last year, when the woman in Florida called 911 three times to report that the McDonald's she was out had run out of chicken McNuggets? And then three months ago, when the woman in Ohio punched through a drive-thru station window for the same reason? Well on Sunday, in South Brunswick, NJ, a man, apparently frustrated that the filet-o-fish he'd ordered at the drive-thru was taking too long to appear, climbed from his car through the pick-up window, slapped an employee inside, grabbed his sandwich and walked out of the restaurant. What [...]

This might be overstating the case just a bit, but there's certainly something to it: "If ever there was a sign of the moral bankruptcy of Silvio Berlusconi's government, it is the sight of a McDonald's apron wrapped around the svelte frame of the Minister of Agriculture, Luca Zaia as he helped launch the new McItaly range of burgers. The President of the Council cavorting with young women, the allegations of shady connections, slippery financial arrangements, dubious political allegiances, and all-round dodgy dealings are as nothing when compared to this monstrous act of national betrayal." In other Silvio Berlusconi news: "A spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to [...]

One of McDonald’s most divisive products, the McRib, made its return last week. For three decades, the sandwich has come in and out of existence, popping up in certain regional markets for short promotions, then retreating underground to its porky lair—only to be revived once again for reasons never made entirely clear. Each time it rolls out nationwide, people must again consider this strange and elusive product, whose unique form sets it deep in the Uncanny Valley—and exactly why its existence is so fleeting.

The McRib was introduced in 1982—1981 according to some sources—and was created by McDonald’s former executive chef Rene Arend, the same man who invented the Chicken [...]

Above, a new pro-vegetarian spot from the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine that's making explicit the link between fast-food consumption and heart disease. Like, really explicit: The corpse at the center the ad died gettin' his burger on, as evidenced by the Big Mac Of Death that remains in his hand while a woman weeps over his lifeless body.

"He is a force for good. He communicates effectively with children and families around balanced, active lifestyles. He does not hawk food." —McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner, when asked if the fast-food chain's made-up mascot Ronald McDonald would be forced to hang up his really big shoes anytime soon. An advocacy group has levied criticisms that the friendly redhead "is a pied piper drawing youngsters all over the world to food that is high in fat, sodium and calories" — the burger equivalent of the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel — and that he, to borrow a phrase, deserves a break. Forever!

"When Frank Sutton bit into his sandwich, scalding grease 'flew all over his mouth,' a fellow diner recalled. Mr. Sutton's wife took ice from her drink and applied it to his face, but his lips blistered. When he told one of the employees, he testified that she said 'this is what happens' to the sandwiches 'when they aren't drained completely.'" -Apparently, the obesity epidemic is not working fast enough for the folks at McDonald's, who are always coming up with new and better ways to hurt people with fried chicken. Makes those Olympics commercials suggesting the world's top athletes maintain their supreme physical fitness by eating french [...]