I know it's only April, but I wanted to get a jump on the Commencement Addresses for various Colleges, Junior Colleges, Trade Schools, and other institutions of Higher Learning, while reminding everyone I am available for such speaking engagements, to inform and inspire the Youth.

Here is the "Uncorrected Proof" of my current address to the Recent Graduate. It helps to imagine it being read in a shouting voice.

"See your future, be your future" is not just a line one may quote from the movie Caddyshack, starring Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield, it is a Way to live one's life. Like millions of people, I bet, [...]

How many years might be added to a life? A few longevity enthusiasts suggest a possible increase of decades. Most others believe in more modest gains. And when will they come? Are we a decade away? Twenty years? Fifty years? Even without a new high-tech “fix” for aging, the United Nations estimates that life expectancy over the next century will approach 100 years for women in the developed world and over 90 years for women in the developing world. (Men lag behind by three or four years.) Whatever actually happens, this seems like a good time to ask a very basic question: How long do you want to [...]

"In this large prospective study, coffee consumption was inversely associated with total and cause-specific mortality. Whether this was a causal or associational finding cannot be determined from our data." *Not actually "forever" at all. (via)

8788? 8688? I didn't hear the other number. Probably because I was talking. Ha ha ha ha.

I told them that. They said just use that. It didn't matter. But it does matter.

Someone punched me in the mouth. I tasted the blood. It gave me booger snot. Is that what it did? And then I could breath. Or I thought I was breathing OK. Ha ha ha ha.

Before the Internet, there was plenty of hate mail-there was just no place to print your hate mail. Editors kept it in a file called "Hilarious/Crazy/Scary" and never would it appear in a magazine. Nowadays, praise be, we can see the grand range of human emotion and grammar all throughout the tubes of the webs. Let's take a look back at what used to pass for acceptable hate mail, in the form of letters to Life about that terrible housewife, Joan Didion.

"A growing body of research has credited the power of positive thinking for contributing to good health and a longer, happier life. But a new study out of Germany suggests people who are pessimistic about their futures — specifically older people — may find greater life satisfaction down the road than their more optimistic peers."

"A genetic process that went wrong 500 million years ago led to the evolution of humans and other vertebrates." —I KNEW life was some kind of cosmic fuck-up! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! I mean, it had to be. Now where do I go to get my money back?