Because nothing makes popular music more fun than typing alongside friends, it's time to do that "liveblogging" thing in honor of the 2010 American Music Awards, which celebrate the most popular of the most popular music that this country has to offer, complete with the sort of pomp that only the most craven enterprises can possess. Join me after the jump for the Black Eyed Peas, Christina Aguilera, Katy (sigh) Perry, the results of allowing 13-year-olds to vote (online) (for their favorite male pop stars), and OMG NEW KIDS AND BACKSTREET BOYS TOGETHER!!

13. "The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away / Over the world is [unintelligible syllable that sounds like 'blehhh']" ("The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away / Over the world is death," from OneRepublic's "All The Right Moves")

• Katy Perry bends over to allow suited day traders to snort colored sugar off her back with Pixy Stix straws. • Katy Perry solders together both of the Twix bars that come in the wrapper to make a candy version of a double dildo, then shrugs.

I'm a little late to this one, but Jesus: MTV has an explanatory biography for all of those viewers who weren't sure who the old dude who came out onstage Sunday at the VMAs with Katy Perry was. And now I guess it is time for me to catch my ice floe.

In 1966, the Beach Boys enjoyed a top ten pop hit with "Sloop John B," their version of a West Indies folk song that the poet Carl Sandberg included in his 1927 book, The American Songbag, and that producer Alan Lomax recorded the Cleveland Simmons Group singing in the Bahamas in 1935, and that the Kingston Trio had covered in 1958. In 2010, representatives of the Beach Boys are threatening to sue Katy Perry for the inclusion of one line from one of their own songs, 1965's "California Girls," in her song, "California Gurls," which has sold three million copies this summer. (The line is, "I [...]

MTV, announcing the passing of Big Star bassist Andy Hummel, provides some context for the kids: Big Star influenced other areas of pop culture as well. "In the Street," one of the songs from their 1972 debut album #1 Record was the theme song to "That '70s Show," re-recorded by fellow power-pop legends Cheap Trick. Plus, the title of Katy Perry's hit "California Gurls" is a nod to Big Star's "September Gurls."

"My manager, Bradford, he's from Mississippi, and he's a huge Big Star fan," Perry said. "And with the death of one of their members [Chilton], I had just written that song, and he's like, 'Katy, just [...]

"Ke$ha is America's new favorite punching bag, the human equivalent of What's Wrong. It's true, her lyrics and bag lady with a Black Card fashion sense are troubling. But sloppy weirdoes who wonder whether we are the aliens on Saturday Night Live are rare and exciting. We should celebrate them."

"He swooned and sighed, 'Oh, left hand third finger, don't do it.' It was just so eloquent and poetic and like one of his songs." -There is NOTHING about this article that doesn't make me sad, and I'm sure it will give Awl pal Maura Johnston a continuing series of aneurysms, but here you go: Morrissey (yes, that one) has supposedly advised Russell Brand and Katy Perry against marrying. Also, Katy thinks Russ is too into Britpop. And a bunch of other stuff. At this point your best-case scenario for optimism is to hope that, like most of the stories in the British tabs, this is somehow made up.

"Those are definitely not Trolli Gummi Bears in the video because Trolli Gummi Bears would never be that rude. Trolli bears would extend their chubby little arms and give Katy a big old bear hug and whisper, 'Everything is going to be alright.'" -Senior brand manager John Leonardo tells MTV that the Gummi Bears in Katy Perry's "California Gurls" video, one of whom appears to flip the singer off, are not at all representative of the brand.

Here it is, everyone: the song that you will not be able to escape this summer, should you choose to leave your house. It is called "California Gurls" [sic] and it features many things, including: A sorta-not-as-barky-as-usual Katy Perry! An audibly leering Snoop Dogg! Dr. Luke's trademarked 8-bit bleeps! Copious references to the California brand of summertime and Daisy Dukes (yes, again!)! David Lee Roth, sadly, was unavailable for comment.