I sleep till afternoon these days, trying to get as much rest as I can to save up my energy for the coming of the killer machines. There will be no time to sleep then. With their spinning blade hands and little electric mouths chasing us up and down the Brooklyn waterfront. Manhattan will be Machinetown entirely by then (when I say "by then" I mean by August or so). That's why Manhattan is almost completely ATMs. Killer Machines Eat Money. And Crap out Human Heads. Our only hope is that God will dispatch an angel brigade to help us fight them. It's all in my screenplay. Pregnant Natalie [...]
If The Humans Don't Beat That Jeopardy Computer I Will Never Be Able To Show My Face At The ATM Again
I'm usually a fan of the wild-waving-of-the-arms Exaggeration. The kind that makes you click here or there on a page and read something you might only have a passing interest in. I'm a ranter, and ranters tend to get loud for the sake of the rant. To bring an urgency to your computer screen, to let you know that your very way of life is in serious danger. But I don't need to distend the results of last night's episode of "Jeopardy!" for effect. The fate of humanity simply depends on a human being beating that doomsday machine tonight.
"I will never watch Jeopardy again after today. The fact that they denied it was the last straw for me. Goodbye Jeopardy."
I hope the nerds enjoyed their renaissance while it lasted because we don't need them anymore. Contrary to all the doom and gloom surrounding Watson's Jeopardy Holocaust, this win is a good thing for us ordinary humans.
Speaking as a highly qualified Trekker, I have some experience with supercomputers. The most important thing to know about supercomputers is that they're useful. You never once see Geordi LaForge break out his Quantum Physics digest or consult a treatise on Sub-Spatial Mechanics before going to work on the Warp Drive. You know why? Because, he just asks the computer and gets on with his life.
First off, hats off to the Humans fighting on the side of Humanity in this week's "Jeopardy's IBM Man v. Machine Throwdown." Go Humanity! When ATMs and toasters can come up with the questions for answers on pop culture subjects better than people like you and me, who will work at Entertainment Weekly magazine in the future? Computers with spinning globe icons for heads. Then Human Beings will be in real "Jeopardy." What kind of media jobs will we have then? Making sure the machines are plugged in? Doesn't sound so fulfilling. So either Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter has to defeat this fucking closet full of air-conditioned servers [...]
Remember "Watson," the fancy IBM computer that appeared on Jeopardy as Alex Trebek a contestant? A scientist at IBM tried to teach it the slang used by the kids, probably so the supercomputer can write the next Twilight series or maybe churn out a three-volume slash-fiction series loosely based on Twilight or À la recherche du temps perdu. In order to make the genius computer speak in a way modern idiots would understand, researcher Eric Brown forced Watson to digest the entirety of UrbanDictionary.com—the whole filthy thing, with its Boston Steamers and Donkey Punches and King James Versions.
Brown attempted to teach Watson the Urban Dictionary. [...]
If I owned a gun, it would probably be in my mouth as I type this. I don’t know how the physics of that arrangement would work, but the mood in Chez Jim is darker than Mothra’s hairy crotch. I’ve just been sitting here listening to Weird Al’s weirdly prescient “I Lost on Jeopardy” in the dark, cuddling with a tapped-out bottle of WD-40. Humanity took a hit tonight. Our valiant human heroes made it close, but that Watson tore us new assholes in our foreheads. ALL OF US. That noise you heard driving to work was your GPS system laughing at you. While you were sneezing on [...]
"Also, have you tried out for Jeopardy? Even the nerdy girls look cute when Alex prods them for personal anecdotes during the first round." — The Boston Globe commenter pool is giving out dating advice again, this time to a 25-year-old lady who, if she is a real person, is someone who actually keeps around friends who ask her "How are you still single?" I mean, maybe they think they're being weirdly nice or complimentary? But EFF THAT FOR REAL. (Also, Alex Trebek's prodding isn't always that cute, FYI.) [Previously]