Posts Tagged: Humans

Notes from a Crab Massacre

1. No neutral observer would recognize the human as anything but the villain, here.

2. Who first attempted to eat a crab and more importantly who didn't stop them?

3. Crab meat. Crab… muscles?

4. Uses for shell fragments? Maybe grind them. Crab flour. Crab paint. Check Etsy.*

5. Uses for green goo? Wikipedia says another name for this is crab mustard, and another name is hepatopancreas. Even if you use it as sauce there's too much of it. Check Pinterest.**

6. What secondary urge does this ritual satisfy? It's much more intimate than just eating together. So then what tertiary urge? It is pure dominance and SUPREME othering [...]


View Of Society From Top Of Empire State Building Is Correct

"Modern humans have more in common with some ants than we do with our closest relatives the chimpanzees. With a maximum size of about 100, no chimpanzee group has to deal with issues of public health, infrastructure, distribution of goods and services, market economies, mass transit problems, assembly lines and complex teamwork, agriculture and animal domestication, warfare and slavery." —Smithsonian Institution research associate Mark Moffett discusses a recent study showing that, due to rapid population growth, human beings organize themselves like ants. Ants and humans can be anonymous within their societies of but still belong, because both species have communicative systems that allow for recognition without prior aquaintance. Ants [...]


Freakshow: Two Humans Can Stand Each Other for 62 Years

The Washington Post carries this disturbing story of human oddity: two people, who met 62 years ago and have been together ever since, wed last week. Insanity! Why, take any normal human, and you'll see how crazy that is-that's more three times longer than all four of Rush Limbaugh's marriages combined! In fact, that's longer than his four marriages plus the length of all three of Rudy Giuliani's marriages! Gross!


Man Acquires Money, And Then Houses

Today's least offensive Times op-ed (we can't even talk about this) begins like this: Just five years ago, Adam Fleischman was in a two-bedroom rental with his wife and their year-old son, fumbling around for a career that might stick. Screenwriting hadn’t worked out. Same for finance. He was 38 and, he told me, “It was do or die.”

Today he owns two houses here, one with six bedrooms and a makeshift vineyard out back. He said that he’s toying with the idea of a third in London.

That's about the founder of Umami Burger, but: it seems like that's all people can think to do when they [...]


Human Forms, Repent! Stop Killing Wolves And Leave Those Caribou Alone

"By looking at hormone levels in caribou scat, the scientists found that when humans were most active in an area, caribou nutrition was poorest and psychological stress highest. When oil crews left, the animals relaxed and nutrition improved." —The caribou herd in the petroleum rich oil sands to the east of the Alberta's Athabasca River (which is my new favorite name for a river in the whole world) hasn't been doing too well lately. The Canadian government has started culling wolves in the area to help. But this is wrong, says science. Culling wolves will only exacerbate the problem. Unsurprisingly, the better solution would be culling humans. Or, [...]


We Will Soon Use Mind Control To Make Armies Of Sleepwalking Rats Do Whatever We Want

I can't wait til I can just think "Okay, rats, bedtime!" and my team of rat slaves will follow my wordless commands to take off my clothes, put on my pajamas, pull down my blankets and tuck me in for a good night's sleep.


Humans To Begin Resembling Pigs On A Cellular Level

"The world's first xenotransplantation treatment—where animal cells are transplanted into humans—has been approved for sale in Russia. The treatment, developed by Living Cell Technologies in New Zealand, is for type 1 diabetes. It consists of insulin-producing pig cells coated in seaweed." —As if we weren't eating ourselves into what's pretty obviously our destined future state already, we've now begun injecting ourselves with the actual living cells of pigs. We are literally turning ourselves into pigs! (Pigs coated with seaweed! Double yuck!) Space, here we come.