Do you want to watch a 24-minute video about the birth of the moon? You do? Come here for a second. No, no, stand right there. Close your eyes. [GIANT SMACK] I'm sorry, but sometimes that's the only way to deal with abject stupidity. You really disgust me sometimes. Besides, all you need to know is right here. Idiot.
Hahahaha, suck it, moon! Even your supposedly unique minerals can be found right here on earth! What are you good for, moon? Apart from mockery, NOTHING!
"Hertfordshire Police have released the audio of a male 999 caller reporting a bright UFO 'coming towards him' in his back garden, only to ring back minutes later to declare that its presence was in fact entirely explainable…. When asked by the call handler what he had seen, the man replied sheepishly: 'You're not going to believe this, you're not going to believe it, it's the moon.'"
"A rock thought to date from the moon's formation points to the satellite being about 200 million years younger than previously calculated, suggesting its history may need to be rewritten." Oh really? Let me handle that for you!
What's going on with that stupid piece of rock up in space? Earth's Moon appears seismically quiet: its major volcanic and tectonic activity is confined to its distant past, as evidenced by the lack of new large-scale features on the surface. However, recent images from the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) have revealed smaller features that had escaped earlier notice. Several regions exhibit small ravines known as graben that are free of cratering or other marring, which indicates relatively recent formation.
A new paper in Nature Geoscience (by Thomas R. Watters, Mark S. Robinson, Maria E. Banks, Thanh Tran, and Brett W. Denevi) suggests these shallow graben may have formed [...]
As someone with a very serious interest in seeing Newt Gingrich at the top of the Republican ticket, I was initially disheartened by his recent promise to put an American base on the moon that would eventually become a state. The idea that the moon—a giant piece of space garbage which even Science has admitted is completely worthless—might get itself two (no doubt obstructionist) Senators and a representative in the House is almost too much to take, because it is the moon. It deserves nothing but scorn and pillage. But then I remembered that Republican industrial and environmental policies are essentially designed to promote exploitation and decay, [...]
Look, we are at this point HOURS AWAY from the winter break. Please do not make me consider the possibility that Earth has two moons. I mean, it actually makes sense, in that the one moon we see all the time is A USELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT CLEARLY CANNOT PULL ITS WEIGHT, but really, I'm SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I just… can't.
Neil Alden Armstrong, the first human being to dig his heel into the surface of the moon and exclaim, "That's right, moon, you useless piece of crap, I am going to jump up and down on your contemptible crust until you realize just how unnecessary you are. You hear me, moon? I will scratch and scrape at your stupid shell until you beg for mercy, at which point I will give it to you even harder, shouting, 'Take it all, bitch!' until you finally own up to your worthlessness and submit to the superior power of humanity. You're a sorry excuse for a satellite, moon. The hurting starts now. You're [...]
Even though I am a confirmed moon-hater—and seriously, FUCK YOU, MOON! I hope someone sticks a giant space spear inside you and splits you into tiny stupid moon pieces—I have to admit that these images taken by Chinese rocket Chang'E 2 are kind of cool. Not cool enough to make me HATE THE FUCKING MOON any less, but still, worth passing on. This one shows the "second luanr orbit trim maneuver, an event witnessed by an engineering camera. Before the maneuver starts, the spacecraft executes a sequence of controlled turns, causing the Moon to swing through the field of view. The firing of the engine begins just after [...]
"I think our generation is obsessed with the moon. When we were children, we were told that in the year 2000 we’d be in spaceships and living on the moon. Nothing like that happened. We felt betrayed. Now people stay home in front of the screen. But when we were kids we were supposed to be out of our home, out in space. So I feel like when I make records, I keep the dream alive." —Stop keeping the dream alive, guy from Air. It's an empty, useless dream.
Oh, by all means, let's try and preserve all the VALUABLE HISTORY on the moon. It's SO IMPORTANT that all the footprints and garbage we left up there on previous visits remain intact. Lord knows the moon can't do anything for itself, because it's so USELESS. Ugh, stupid moon! Don't you know it's not going to make a difference once we finally come to our senses and blow you into little tiny chunks of utter worthlessness?
Here are a series of pictures in which people appear to be doing things to the moon. Sadly, none of those things are pounding it in the dark side with such ferocity and single-minded intensity that it crumples into a corner and begs for more because it has finally realized that you are right about it being a totally worthless satellite that is not even good enough for reflective light purposes and it can only find any degree of validation and self-esteem through your firm and vigorous ministrations. But the one where it looks like someone is playing basketball with it is pretty cool. [Via]
Now I know some of you are not on board with my crusade against the moon. "I like the moon," you say. "It's pretty," you protest. "What about the tides," you implore. Well, screw the tides and screw the moon, because we have just learned something very important that will change your view of that useless satellite orbiting roughly 221,463 miles from the infinitely superior Earth. It seems the moon has been holding out on us. That's right, the moon is loaded with precious, precious titanium ore.
"Earth once had two moons, which merged in a slow-motion collision that took several hours to complete, researchers propose in Nature today…. A previous collision with a smaller companion could explain why the Moon's two sides look so different." Or maybe the moon's two sides look so different because the moon is a STUPID PIECE OF SPACE ROCK. Lick my left one, moon.
A gentle reminder: Tomorrow morning, at about 7:30 Eastern, we are going to take our giant space cockbomb and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THE MOON. Set your alarms!