Posts Tagged: Fast Food

Mangled Clown Corpse Tweets

"'Selfies…here I come!' the company quoted Ronald McDonald as saying in its announcement on Wednesday. Mr. McDonald won’t get his own Twitter handle, but the company will post comments attributed to him using the hashtag #RonaldMcDonald." — The fresh visage of Ronald McDonald, all but buried in recent years as McDonald's seemingly realized that modern children cannot be reliably plied into gorging themselves on fried slivers of potatoes and industrial-grade beef patties assembled by workers so underpaid that the company itself has suggested that they get a second job by a weird, creepy clown, proves that no #brand can resist the lure of Twitter, even dead ones.


Fries Embargoed

"Burger King took great pains keep the launch of Satisfries under wraps. Last week, reporters were invited to preview a 'top secret new product' at a New York City hotel, where they were asked to sign non-disclosure agreements. Attendees were each served a carton of the fries on a plate that looked and tasted like any other fries, even leaving the familiar grease stains in their paper cartons."


Diabetes Now Scooped By Hand

"Hand-Scooped Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich"


McDonald's Around The World Disturbingly Appealing

"Featuring a pork patty marinated in Teriyaki sauce and smothered in peppers, the Samurai Pork burger is McDonald's attempt to put a Thai twist on the classic Big Mac, although the fast food giant may be a little off the geographical mark on this one. As one customer asks, "Why does it have a Japanese name when I'm in Thailand?" —I hate to say it, but pretty much all of these international McDonald's menu items seem appealing to me. Related: I will die soon.


Make Crap At Home

If you are for some reason so inclined, here is how to make a Big Mac in your own kitchen. Although I have to think that no matter how closely you follow the instructions, you're never going to attain that particular flavor that is associated with the existential despair of actually being in a McDonald's and ordering a Big Mac. You know the taste. It's a mixture of resignation and umami. [Via]


Disgusting "Sandwich" Is Back To Improve Your Self-Esteem

Call it the supersize effect: "Consumers who feel powerless reach for extra-large portions of food in an effort to increase their social standing in the eyes of others, a new study suggests…. The study authors noted that cultural norms associate some larger items, such as houses, vehicles or flatscreen TVs, with wealth, success and high social status. If consumers feel unhappy with their status, they may take this belief and apply it to food, the researchers suggested." In related news, "The McRib, the elusive sandwich that has inspired a cult-like following, is back. McDonald's Corp. announced Monday that the boneless barbecue pork sandwich, usually available in only [...]


Crafty Lawyers Pretend They Thought Taco Bell Actually Served Meat

Speaking of eating bugs, this was probably inevitable: The American love of consuming dubious meatstuffs at rock-bottom prices has collided with the American love of suing anyone anywhere for any possible reason. I don't know why your president told you we need to compete more last night: So long as we're filling our bodies with obvious crap and then trying to make a buck out of that obvious crap's obvious crapness, we will be just fine. This is exactly what they talk about when they use the phrase "American exceptionalism."


Gimmick Returns

Oh thank God: "For those who didn't get to sample the meaty menu item, KFC is offering one more chance: Starting April 21, the Double Down will return to the fast-food chain." In case you have forgotten, the definitive review of that, uh, foodstuff, appeared here four years ago.


Ineffable Sadness Of American Existence Encapsulated In Fast Food Promotion

I was doing alright this morning and then whammo. (Here's how last year's celebration was explained.)


Your Lunchmeat Vs. The Machines

I don't judge what people want to put in their mouth as food, I mean, I eat at Arby's sometimes, you know? Have you ever looked at what they make into food at Arby's? That stuff has bubbles in it, seriously; I guess it's supposed to be beef-meat, but it's mostly just salty and fat-tasting, by which of course I mean delicious, in the bad-for-you way, but now they (as in Arby's) are doing this commercial where they hire this guy who is a "New York detective," and he goes and finds out that Subway* has their sandwich meats sliced ahead of time in a factory. Pre-sliced!

Seriously, can [...]


This Will Either Spoil Or Excite Your Appetite, Depending

If you'd like to see a list of stuntfoods where "a Whopper with five patties" represents the least extravagant concoction, head on over here.


Fast Food Is Depressing

"There is a direct relationship between eating fast food or commercial baked goods (doughnuts, cakes, croissants) and the risk of developing depression, according to a recent study by scientists from the University of Las Palmas de Gran Canaria and the University of Granada. The findings reveal that consumers of fast food are 51 percent more likely to develop depression than minimal or non-consumers. Furthermore, the connection between the two is so strong that 'the more fast food you consume, the greater the risk of depression,' said Almudena Sánchez-Villegas, Ph.D., lead author of the study." —Additionally, fast-food consumers are lonely, vegetable-averse smokers who work a lot. Does this describe [...]


Absurd Taco Bell Dorito Taco Shell Is Corporate America's Most Abstract Commentary On The Absence Of Authenticity To Date

"This is really happening." [Via]


Catch McRib Fever! (Followed By McRib Vomiting And Indigestion)

McRib fever is "building to a frenzy" in advance of the fast food product being made available nationwide tomorrow. How much do you know about this pressed-and-formed meat-like product which, given its elusive nature up to now, may very well be made from mechanically separated unicorn carcasses? Catch up on your history here.


The Taco Bell Breakfast Is American Freedom And Pride In Its Best And Most Primal Expression

Were we once a nation of tinkerers that split the atom, created the phonograph, and gave Kevin Costner’s career three distinctly different eras? We were.

And yet, despite all the transistors, pneumatic tires, Roombas, and swivel chairs, the elites apparently have no room in their heart for the Waffle Taco, the most obvious object of derision in Taco Bell’s newly announced breakfast line-up.

“Gross,” they cried, in their truncated communiques. Breakfast, they libeled, would now be served by “a fast food chain heretofore known primarily for serving shredded cheese, refried beans, wilted lettuce, and horse meat in various combinations of tortilla containers.” Taco Bell breakfast “could conceivably [...]


Company Will Do Donut Sandwich To You This Week

"Dunkin’ Donuts says it’s set to debut its 'Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich' on the nation this Friday, making a split glazed doughnut filled with a peppered fried egg and cherrywood smoked bacon the newest addition to America’s breakfast repertoire."


Burger-Making Machine Speeds Up End Of Youth Employment

"For all the assembly-line efficiency that the McDonald's and Burger Kings of this world bring to the process of fast food cookery, they still have to rely on an army of minimum-wage workers to make their hamburgers. At San Francisco's Momentum Machines, they're betting on the idea that a machine can build a better burger than a high school sophomore who earns $8.43 an hour." —Great, that will give all the kids more time to work on their tech start-ups! [Via]


Chains Evil

Here is a list of fast food chains to stay away from if you want to avoid inadvertently contributing to conservative super PACs or developing diabetes.


A Conspiracy of Hogs: The McRib as Arbitrage

One of McDonald’s most divisive products, the McRib, made its return last week. For three decades, the sandwich has come in and out of existence, popping up in certain regional markets for short promotions, then retreating underground to its porky lair—only to be revived once again for reasons never made entirely clear. Each time it rolls out nationwide, people must again consider this strange and elusive product, whose unique form sets it deep in the Uncanny Valley—and exactly why its existence is so fleeting.

The McRib was introduced in 1982—1981 according to some sources—and was created by McDonald’s former executive chef Rene Arend, the same man who invented the Chicken [...]


Where America Still Wins

"Go into the kitchen of a Taco Bell today, and you'll find a strong counterargument to any notion that the U.S. has lost its manufacturing edge. Every Taco Bell, McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King is a little factory, with a manager who oversees three dozen workers, devises schedules and shifts, keeps track of inventory and the supply chain, supervises an assembly line churning out a quality-controlled, high-volume product, and takes in revenue of $1 million to $3 million a year, all with customers who show up at the front end of the factory at all hours of the day to buy the product. Taco Bell Chief Executive Officer Greg [...]