"SCARED residents are snapping up stab proof vests and protective clothing to shield themselves from attacks during the street light switch-off, an Essex defence company boss claims."
A series dedicated to explaining Britain's manufactured celebrities to an American audience.
Far be it from me to inject a note of alarmism into this barely launched year, but have you noticed that absolutely nothing is real anymore? Bikini models are actual hungry teenagers only from the chin up, marriages arranged in good faith by Ryan Seacrest Enterprises are not, it turns out, sacred and everlasting unions, and each day that passes sees Photoshop and plastic surgery opponent Kate Winslet looking more like a cyborg who’d like to offer you a Lancôme gift bag with a $35-or-more purchase. We do, it is some consolation, still live in [...]
Essex is obviously a really classy place where there's a ton of pressure to be perfect at all times, innit? The Daily Mirror, which is where I get all my truly reliable news and life affirmations, reported that Andrew Hudgell, 26, from Chelmsford in Essex, had a moob reduction surgery. Then they posted his picture, ensuring that despite no longer possessing soft, hillock-like pectoral topography he will still be openly mocked, since phantom bitch tits are way gay.