Too Busy Knifecrimin' To Dress Up @1:44 PM
England: the worst country ever, says mid-market fashion retailer of which I've never heard. "29 per cent of Brits considered their sunglasses were their most important style accessory compared with only three per cent in France and Italy." That's so no one can STAB YOUR EYES. 19
English Child Welshes on Pedo-Deal @10:20 AM
Sexcrime Island is no longer a place one keeps one's word, sad to say. When a family of a 4-year-old boy promised his sex-abusing maths teacher their silence about the crime in exchange for a downpayment on a house—£18,000, which was like half a million dollars in 2004 money but is like a small fistful of deli change today—they insufficiently ensured the silence of the kiddo. And now he's spilled the beans, and everyone's in trouble. Young people! They just aren't being taught respect for agreements in that sad, sad country. 9
The Way We Shiv Now: Bankrupt Megamillionaire Pops Off for Vacation @12:00 PM
This is how you roll across the pond on Moneycrime Island: English TV queen Anthea Turner's megamillionaire businessman husband Grant Bovey officially went in for bankruptcy yesterday. And? "The entrepreneur, 48, admitted he couldn't pay £50 million worth of his debts after the collapse of his property empire at Guildford County Court yesterday. Following the devastating declaration, the couple headed off on holiday for a few days to 'chill out.'" 3
Knifecrime Island Also Gayslur Island @3:20 PM
I really do love this English PSA about not calling people "faggot" and stuff, mostly because homophobic slurs are so much sexier in British! Anyway, now gays are mad about the PSA, of course—but only mostly because the Football Association, which did the PSA, wussed out at the last minute on its debut. Also? In the end I don't really think the PSA's conceit (that men say things at sporting events they wouldn't say elsewhere) works—don't English people call each other "bender" and "poofter" constantly in the office and on the Tube? I mean, that's how we roll in New York even, and we're not even a rapidly-devolving glassing-friendly penal colony of angry shit-faced louts. 9
Knifecrime Island Is Actually Lovecrime Island @3:20 PM
Let me offer you some additional, and contradictory, testimony on why there is all that constant glassing over in England and its wholly-owned subsidiary islands of stabbitude. The thing is? They're just crazy in love. In a recent science poll, almost one-third of Americans said they'd rather spend Valentine's Day with their pets than a person. 50% of Turks said the same! 2 out of 5 Indians agreed! But get this: only 18% of Knifecrimers surveyed said they would prefer to spend the day with a pet, rather than a lover. The people of Britain are love-besotted romantics! And all that passion makes them violent. Now you understand. (See also: Edward II.) 9
Knifecrime Island and its attendant Stabby and Drinky Provinces are together now beating France, Spain and Italy in cirrhosis deaths. 12
Knifecrime Island's Pensioners Burn Books for Heat @2:40 PM
Knifecrime Island is now Frosty Prison Island, where none can leave their homes for fear of being glassed in the face and left in a snowdrift. To survive, "‘a large number’ of elderly customers are snapping up hardbacks as cheap fuel for their fires and stoves." Yes. ENGLAND GRIPPED BY WIDE-SPREAD BOOK-BURNING FOR SURVIVAL. A good old-fashioned home book-burning party, how deluxe. The Guardian, somewhat offended, suggests alternatives, such as the burning of cow dung. Those liberals just want England's fine pensioners to face our fine American death panels. 11
Knifecrime Island Hottie Naughty? @1:00 PM
This, people, is ENGLAND. Some British chick with the awesomely cattywampus name of Kelly Askew got pinched by Mancunian cops for trying to smuggle over £627,000 worth of cocaine in a green plastic bag in the passenger side of her Mercedes. While she is pleading ignorance and throwing her shotty-sitting boyfriend under the bus claiming that the drugs were his, she is obviously a criminal mastermind with the face of an angel if that angel was just OK in the face. Not only was she holding a GRIP of blow, she was canny enough to stay being on welfare despite collecting checks for "on rare occasions" doing "a bit of modeling." Whatevs, you know she's suspect since she was clipped leaving that place where only rainmakers go-the most dazzlingly lucrative and exciting commercial hub in the history of history a.k.a. the cocaine capital of the world a.k.a. Yorkshire. 19
England Wants Credit For Absolutely Repulsive Sack Of Offal @4:10 PM
Not content with their own disgusting contributions to culinary history, the English are now claiming that haggis—that vile, football-shaped concoction of minced ungulate innards boiled in their own stomach—was appropriated by the Scots under false pretenses. Historians note that whether or not the Scottish people actually purloined the dish, they are still morally superior to the Welsh, who came to my house and stole a leg of beef. 8
Strange Country Called 'England' Suffers From Class Entrenchment! @3:37 PM
A shocking new British study suggests anecdotal evidence that rich people are more likely to succeed than poor people! The report found evidence of "informal recruitment systems," by which they mean "internships and work placement," which function as "a back-door for better-off, better-connected youngsters." (PICTURED: teens vying for one of these "internships" with posh English fucker Hugh Grant.) America, turn your back on this foreign, class-ridden horror-state! 5
This Day In History: June 19, 1909 @9:54 AM
From the Penny Illustrated Paper, deep in the bowels of the British Library, comes this 100-year-old nugget about the relations between the classes. READ MORE 3
Dirty English Ladies Extremely Casual About Laundering Of Undergarments @12:12 PM
One of the great Australian insults concerns the English, who, it is said, "hide their money under the soap." (It works on two levels!) If the Daily Mail is to be believed—always an iffy proposition—they might just as conveniently stash it under the laundry detergent: It seems that Englishwomen only wash their bras every two months or so, which is a particularly startling figure when you consider how often the filthy island dwellers work themselves into a state of sweat-soaked dishevelment by committing knife crimes. Given her avant-garde taste in lingerie, we can only hope that this is one limey affectation Madonna chose not to adopt during her time across the pond. Because, you know, ewww. 10
Suspected Protestors Pre-Arrested In England @10:25 AM
England police arrested 114 people at a school in Nottingham for 3 1/2 to 11-year-olds; police said the hippies were planning a demonstration at a nearby coal-fired power station. Fortunately, the long-hairs are all locked up before they even had a chance to do anything harmful to the source of global warming. Yay democracy! 0
Morrissey and Margaret Thatcher @9:33 AM
Stephen Metcalf on Morrissey and the 80s: "I think the word that best captures the times is heartless, as evident in the stupid rictus of Sting's face, circa 1983, as it was in Margaret Thatcher's budget cuts. No wonder Morrissey's voice sounded so fresh, so slyly subversive. As much as he publicly avowed a hatred of Thatcher, culminating in 'Margaret at the Guillotine,' it was Thatcherism that made Morrissey. The Iron Lady represented a hardness of purpose, a pitilessness that would allow England once again to produce winners. But also, inevitably, losers. And here is the source of Morrissey's originality." 1
@9:38 AM
England is awesome: "A Manchester gangster who murdered a mourner at the funeral of his previous shooting victim has been jailed for a minimum of 39 years." 0
