"You Won't Believe What's In Your Turkey Burger," unless you've seen almost every other scary story about ground meat and the doody contained therein, in which case your skepticism will remain at bay.

"We know that the sewers leak. But that’s the thing – we really don’t know how much they leak."

I think it's good to have a pet animal. I know there are people starving and war and stuff and we should probably focus on humans, but pets are highly therapeutic for a lot of people who are lonely or don't relate to other humans very well, and while I am not exactly a huge fan of those depressing abused-animal commercials with the Wendie Malick voiceover on TV, there are lots of abandoned animals that would make good pets for people. Mostly dogs, I think? Dogs are the most popular pet, yes? I mean, maybe fish could outnumber 'em on a pet-to-owner ratio, but if you did it on a [...]

"Fish is frequently misidentified on menus and grocery store counters in New York City, even at expensive restaurants and specialty shops, DNA testing for a new study found…. In some cases, cheaper types of fish were substituted for expensive species. In others, fish that consumers have been urged to avoid because stocks are depleted, putting the species or a fishery at risk, was identified as a type of fish that is not threatened. Although such mislabeling violates laws protecting consumers, it is hard to detect. Some of the findings present public health concerns…. Ninety-four percent of fish sold as white tuna was not tuna at all but in [...]

Have you been on a vacation lately? As your Travel Advisor, I recommend you should go on one right away while we still have a pre-cliff Economy and stuff. I'm not kidding, you don't know what Our Government is gonna do to us next, so go and get some plane tickets to someplace right away and have a Vacation.

Based on my own recent experiences, I suggest you Vacate to the country of Mexico, and I'm not here talking about going to the places in Mexico where the Drug Wars are going on, people behaving like that with guns, nor am I talking about going to some beach-resort place [...]

"While the sheer volume of human waste was surprising, its presence was not."

"A Winnipeg man who was dragged out of an outhouse by a black bear is recovering at home with some cuts on his back and an amazing tale of survival. Gord Shurvell, 65, was camping and fishing with a friend at a cabin by Dunbar Lake, about 60 kilometres north of Sioux Lookout, Ont., when the bear attacked him early Saturday. Shurvell told CBC News he was in the outhouse, with the door wide open so he could enjoy the morning view, when the bear barged in." —Please read this story, there is so much richness to it.

"In the corner office and the boardroom, women are 'leaning in.' But there's one place where they're still wracked with anxiety and shame. " —Can you guess where it is? IT'S THE BATHROOM! Where shitting happens! Shitting BY WOMEN! I may need to lie down for a minute.

"Ikea has withdrawn a type of almond cake from its restaurants after samples were found to be contaminated by faecal bacteria."

As food safety authorities "try to find out how beefburgers on sale in UK and Irish Republic supermarkets became contaminated with horsemeat," a helpful soul "has launched an online calculator – so burger fans can work out how many horses they could eat in a lifetime." I mean, let's be honest, you're eating a lot worse than horse when you're having a burger, but sure, oh no the ponies, etc.

If one of your resolutions for the coming year involves eating less red meat, you will find this quite helpful.

If it's the middle of October it is time for an annual reminder of just how vile and unsanitary the British people are. Also, they don't wash their hands.

Guess what's in the back seat of that cab you took? [SPOILER: vaginal or anal yeast. Also, doody.]

It's not just doody in your chicken; there might also be arsenic in there.

"With the warmer weather coming, Caribou Baby’s owner Adriane Stare — who held her bare-bottomed baby Loren atop a cloth diaper as she whispered 'sissss' to him to cue a pee during the discussion — told the group she’d soon open the center's backyard to let babies roam diaper-free outside."

These days, professional content curators have to go through a lot of crap to find that one thing that can be successfully blockquoted or very slightly rewritten to maximize SEO revenue streams—yet a cursory glance at the nation's best performing aggregators finds an unsatisfactory maximazation of cross-platform responsive environments.

Brand management and audience engagement depend upon early conversions with the youngest consumers. Is your company losing eyeballs to competitors with better internals targeted to the post-diaper pre-toilet demo? Supercharge your mobile audience social sticky by adaptive dynamic layouts to lasso the tablet-potty market before you are literally destroyed and physically torn apart, limb by limb, by your eternal rivals. The [...]

Believe me, I more than anyone understand the impulse to titter about this story, but you should just remind yourself that this a is legitimate medical breakthrough that will save the lives of thousands of people and that while it is only natural to face your discomfort with feces by attempting to disarm it (the feces) with humor, saying something like "The front page of today's New York Times is covered in doody," is neither mature nor appropriate, so don't do it. Anyway, you should print this out and read it later. Like, when you're on the toilet. Hahaha, get it? Gah.

Back in 1987, when the Supreme Court of the United States affirmed New York's jurisdiction over the Statue of Liberty, then-mayor Ed Koch said, "The Statue of Liberty will continue to stand exactly where she has stood for 100 years—on an island belonging to the State of New York, facing us and showing another side of her personality to New Jersey." Twenty-five years later, it seems the Garden State is getting its revenge, pumping 200 million gallons of liquid doody into the Lady's maritime surroundings.

"You're going to pee purple, you're going to poo purple."

I know how cool we all like to play it because we’re so young and so beautiful and nothing bad will ever happen to us in our lives! Our youth and our beauty will protect us. But our grandparents were once young if maybe not quite as beautiful. Everything ends eventually, and at some point you may want to start hedging your bets and believing in a higher power, if only to get the goodies that comes along with the benefits of membership. I’d much rather spend the afterlife playing golf with President Coolidge and Charlotte Bronte than not-existing. Or burning in Hell with all the popes ever, for that [...]