The Cronut™ has been with us for a year now. In that time, the mutant pastry has sapped millions of hours from people's lives: from the people who line up each day as the dawn breaks to taste one, lured by tales of its creamy center and precise flakiness; from the hundreds of cooks laboring at other, lesser bakeries to create passable knockoffs to foist upon their own unsuspecting customers; from the billions of people reading, watching and hearing about them, despite their best intentions, thanks to utterly endless media coverage; and from the writers and journalists tasked by their editors with fomenting Cronut™ mania week after week, day [...]
"A bakery that sold cakes with a Buckfast-laced ingredient is at the centre of a licensing investigation after the Ayrshire firm was criticised by alcohol awareness groups. Patthead Bakery in New Cumnock sold a limited number of ‘cronuts’, a cross between a croissant and a doughnut invented in New York, with traces of [Scottish bum wine] added to the filling…. The cakes were criticised by Dr Evelyn Gillan, chief executive of Alcohol Focus Scotland, as a 'cheap gimmick.'"
Raise your hand if you knew that the Internet would eventually evolve into a venue best suited for posting pictures of government documents confirming the commercial registration of hybrid croissant/doughnut pastries.
"I don’t really have high expectations, but this is kind of like the new Cronut, and I want to experience it first."
It is almost like we want something terrible to happen to us. We certainly deserve it.
"In the west shall be born a twin-headed beast while a dual-pastry fusion ascends in the east" is what Nostradamus might have written about all the stupid stuff going on in the news right now if he really had the ability to see into the future. Anyway, the signs are all there: a kitty with a pair of faces, a monstrous amalgam of donut and crossiant… we are opening all the seals, people. This will not end well.