Mobile phones didn't really take off until the late 1990s, but the first of the things made a telephone call on this day in 1973. According to historical sources, Motorola DynaTAC inventor Martin Cooper placed that first mobile call to a rival inventor at Bell Labs. While the conversational details are lost to history, the first guy probably said something like "I'm kind of breaking up here, did you say 'seven,' seven p.m.?" And then the next guy likely said something along the lines of, "Gah, crap, I can't hear you at all. Just text me and I'll put it on my calendar. You still there? Hello? Hellooooo?"

Do you get all bent out of shape with Facebook's privacy settings and tracking? Because Facebook turns you into a marketing tool, and exposes your information to people you might not wish? Well, TOSS THAT IPHONE, pal! As you likely knew or suspected, the all levels of government are using cell-phone carriers early and often to find out where you are, who you're talking to and what you're talking about. ("Thousands of times a day"; Sprint alone gets on average 1500 requests a day.) And lots of this activity is warrantless or for "emergency" use—and lots of it is extremely broad, collecting data from an entire network tower. [...]

I don’t own a cell phone. I never have. When people learn this fact they usually react with an exclamation of shocked disbelief, as if I lead some sort of unfathomable existence of unmitigated depravation. As if the human race didn’t manage to somehow get along just fine until about 1995, when suddenly everyone—not just the doctors and drug dealers—seemed to get a cellular. But those of us old enough to remember the Time Before Cell Phones can attest to the fact that the early adopters of this technology were mostly assholes. As a single girl in New York throughout the 1990s I can tell you that, back then, [...]

Old news, but always worth repeating: "Mobile phones can harbour 18 times more living bacteria than a flush on a men's toilet, according to research for consumer group Which?. A hygiene expert who swabbed and analysed 30 handsets for the study found seven had warning or high levels of environmental bacteria. One harboured levels of bacteria, including faecal coliforms, high enough to give its user a serious stomach upset."

Cell phones: Everyone knows their radiation is rotting your brain and turning your testicles into shriveled shells of lazy, mutated sperm. But what if there was actually a positive aspect to the whole thing? What if, for instance, your iPhone kept you from developing the horrible symptoms of Alzheimer's disease? Take it away, Science!

Remember the hope and joy of the 2009 inauguration of President Barack Obama, the historic first Hawiian to become president of the mainland United States? People were so excited—especially black people, who seemed to see something special about the Harvard law school graduate's move to national politics. (White conservatives were, in turn, very suspicious about African-Americans managing to travel to D.C. for the 2009 ceremony, while other blacks trapped in flooded New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina only managed to lose their homes, drown or get shot down by white cops.)

Anyway, things will be a lot smoother this year, in Washington. For one thing, hardly anybody wants to go [...]

"Young people who heavily use cell phones and computers also complain more about sleep disturbances, stress and other mental health problems, according to researchers at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden. 'Public health advice should therefore include information on the healthy use of this technology,' says researcher Sara Thomée from the Sahlgrenska Academy at the University of Gothenburg."

Can your cell phone give you an allergic rash on the face? Yes it can, says Science! It can also give you brain cancer, but Science wants to wait 20 years to see the great die-off before it fully settles that one.

Strange doings in the cellular would of Bulgaria, where the phone number 0888 888 888-I hesitate to even type those digits, such is the terrifying history of that sequence-has been suspended "after every single person assigned to it died in the last 10 years." (If you guessed the Daily Mail pat yourself on the back.) Anyway, there is more.

If you're one of the many people with concerns about whether or not your cell phone will kill you with the cancer, there's good news on the research front: "Thousands of people are to be studied over the course of 20 or 30 years to see if the long-term use of mobile phones increases the risk of developing brain tumours and other medical disorders, as part of the largest ever study into the subject." So, you know, check back in three decades and we'll have a much better idea. Until then, gab away. We're all gonna die at some point anyway.

"Careless members of the British public have broken their mobile phones by baking them in a cake, inserting them into a cow and dropping them over the edge of a ship while recreating scenes from Titanic, it has emerged."

"An international panel of experts says cellphones are possibly carcinogenic to humans after reviewing details from dozens of published studies…. The group classified cellphones in category 2B, meaning they are possibly carcinogenic to humans. Other substances in that category include the pesticide DDT and gasoline engine exhaust."

Here's the explanation for your BURNING HATRED OF NEARBY PEOPLE YAMMERING ON THEIR STUPID PHONES.

Cell phones and brain tumors, continued: "The World Health Organization's International Agency for Research on Cancer study called INTERPHONE found most cellphone use didn't increase the risk of developing meningioma – a common and frequently benign tumour – or glioma – a rarer but deadlier form of cancer." That's the result of a decade-long study that tracked nearly 13,000 people. But-and you knew this was coming-"The tired refrain 'more research is needed' fully applies in this instance: without more research the public's question about the acceptability of cancer risk from mobile phones will remain unanswered." Also, this study did not track the effects of having a cell phone in [...]

The Environmental Working Group, which is totally a real place and not like when you tell people you're an "architect," checked out the radiation levels of over a 1,000 cell phone models and confirmed what I've always suspected-Koreans are awesome and everyone should be grateful. SoKo company Samsung captured 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th with LG nabbing 8th place for lowest radiation emission levels but I'm loathe to report the Motorola RAZR (hisssssss Japaneeeeese), that paragon of canny design that ensures thick layers of face sebum be all up on as much surface area as possible at all times while possessing the acoustics of two Siggi yogurt [...]