"Some studies have found that men are 28 times more likely to insert objects up their backsides than women are."

The benefits of having a sizable posterior may be greatly exaggerated by those wishing to sell you buttock-enhancing products, says an expert: "[M]y fat ass has yet to usher me into the world of the big-bottomed celebrity elite. I haven't figured out how to summon my ass weight in order to boost my confidence at home or in the workplace. I can't say that anyone has ever looked at my ass and said, 'Damn-that looks expensive.'"

"The unlucky British fellow was suffering from the only recorded case of 'popeye butt.'"

By now we've all heard the tragic story of Solange Magnano, the Argentinian model who died as a result of complications after buttock-implant surgery, but did you know just how risky the procedure actually is? This video reveals the chilling truth. Also, uh, good morning!

To celebrate American freedom each year, straight men find ways to pull each others' pants down and shoot fireworks out of their behinds. It's very odd, don't you think? What does it mean? I would suggest that there's plenty of guys unable to sit down at work today, but that would presume that anyone has a job in America these days. Also, in the future, this will be considered a major new American art form. Like jazz.