"A gang of swan killers are being hunted by police amid fears the birds are being stolen to eat."

"Nearly a fifth of Britons fail to change their sheets at least one a month, startling new figures suggest." (This news is startling only if you don't recall that a) this is an annual feature and b) it is a well-established fact that Britons are the most verminous, filth-encrusted hominids to roam the earth and that they recoil from the idea of washing up even more quickly than they do from the glint of a blade wielded with menacing intent which, to be fair, they are probably desensitized to by now. )

"London fish monger Muhammad Shahid Nazir, who is better known as the £1 Fish Man, has released a song in the hopes of securing the coveted Christmas number one slot. The fish monger, who was born in Pattoki, near Lahore in Pakistan, became a viral sensation after footage of him singing his distinctive trader’s call "come on ladies, come on ladies, one pound fish" was posted on YouTube." Will this tribute to piscine economy surpass "Baby" and "Gangnam Style" as the most viewed video on YouTube? Sure, why the hell not.

Cheesy name for a baby. RT @mikeallenLONDON, December 3, 2012 (AFP) – Britain's Prince William and Kate expecting a baby: palace

— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) December 3, 2012

Hahahah! What would you name the possible baby who might someday rule whatever slashed-up crater remains of Britain? London? Palace? Adele? Tell us in the comments! Actually, go talk about it on Tumblr, I hear there's something fun going on over there.

"A plague of mutant 'super rats' has invaded the upmarket town of Henley-on-Thames, the host of the annual Royal Regatta, a new study has disclosed. Researchers found the picturesque riverside Oxfordshire area has been inundated with dozens of the pests, which carry a poison-resistant gene. Having migrated from parts of Berkshire and Hampshire, the brown rats, and their life-threatening diseases, are spreading after being found on several unidentified farms."

"The BBC's star science presenter Brian Cox thought he might have a scoop on his hands when he trained his telescope at a newly discovered planet in search of alien life. But the professor said his hopes for an exclusive were brought back down to earth after he was told by the BBC that impromptu extraterrestrial contact would break health and safety guidelines." —Best check with the Department of Live Radio Broadcasts With Space Aliens before doing anything hasty.

Photo by Karen Roe via Flickr.

"The next time an American 'mate' asks you to 'ring' her on her 'mobile' about renting your 'flat' during your 'holiday,' it’s fair to ask, have we all become Madonna?" —If this ever happens, you have our permission to stab your imaginary friend right in the neck, Briton-style.

Do you remember where you were when MySpace lost its spot as the top social network? Where were you when Plastic died? There are early signs today that Facebook, used by many and loved by few, is beginning its inevitable decline. In Britain, where the drunken populace spends an inordinate amount of time staring at their phones, Facebook lost 600,000 users last month. That's not quite 2% of the U.K. user base, but it's also the opposite of "growth."

The data chimes with speculation that Facebook is reaching saturation point among the web user population in its core markets, and that continued growth is increasingly dependent on the [...]

"One in four adults has the maths skills of a nine-year-old or worse and struggles with the most basic everyday sums. According to a shock report, more than eight million adults in England are considered to lack even basic numeracy." Hahahaha, England! 1 in 4 adults! That's like 50% or something!

"Hollywood Fish Bar owner Chris Christoforou has created a battered Christmas dinner consisting of a turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing, brocolli, carrots, pigs in blankets and brussel sprouts – all indidually dipped in batter and deep fried. If you haven't had enough crispy batter by that point, he also offers a battered Christmas pudding followed by crispy mince pies." Why, yes, there is video.

Everyone in Britain is going to prison.

Okay, there's probably not gonna be a more evocative headline than this today: "Love-rat dad of nine children to eight women who headbutted ex-girlfriend in row over cheese toastie jailed for just 20 days"

If it's the middle of October it is time for an annual reminder of just how vile and unsanitary the British people are. Also, they don't wash their hands.

"You couldn't, for instance, stab a burglar if they were unconscious." —The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland explains a new law allowing homeowners to use disproportionate force against burglars.

"A little portion of literacy is set to be served up alongside the cheeseburgers and fries at McDonald's after the fast food chain committed to giving away 15 million books with its Happy Meals over the next two years [...] McDonald's has now committed to a new, long-term campaign backed by the National Literacy Trust." —The cheap plastic toys in Happy Meals have been the targets of bans in San Francisco. McDonald's stores in Britain are getting ahead by replacing the toys with cheap books.

"For those of us who have any active associations with wassail, they are probably musical. 'Here We Come a-Wassailing' is about as likely to turn up on your supermarket’s holiday Muzak loop as 'The Christmas Song' or 'Frosty the Snowman.'" —Today in the Times' Dining section, Rosie Schaap provides a recipe for and history of the traditional holiday drink wassail. Wassail is a warm punch made of cider and ale and spices that is enjoying a comeback in Brooklyn cocktail bars. It is intended to enliven spirits and lower inhibitions so as to encourage people to join in a Yuletide sing-along. But Wassail comes from England, which [...]