Posts Tagged: Britain
1

Here Is What A Random Good Deed Looks Like In Britain

Pay close attention, because based on the amount of fuss they are making over it in the report, it doesn't seem as if something like this happens all that often.

1

What Is Bad In Britain Today?

Today is a terrible day to get stabbed in Britain. I mean, assuming you want to live. Which, if you're in Britain, may not be the correct assumption. Actually, I can understand the upside to suddenly seeing the quick glint of a blade and then a fade to black, with the comforting realization that you no longer need to waste time in that gray, vomit-encrusted hellhole they pretend is a civilized country. Plus, you know how the whole baby thing turned out, so, really, you're not waiting around for anything else now. Come to think of it, you're probably better off going out there to get stabbed today. The [...]

0

Eggcrime Island

"It’s very rare in the U.K. to have a national police operation of this kind. The others are for drug trafficking, human trafficking, and football hooliganism." —You can try to guess but it is probably just easier to click and see.

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British Freak Dancers Fall Silent

"The Joint Morris Organisations, the umbrella group for the hobby, has said it is struggling to cope with a nationwide shortage of 'irons' to fit onto the clogs worn by dancers. The dearth has been blamed on a lack of blacksmiths now producing the items, which are fitted to the soles of the wooden footwear, rather like horse shoes, in order to maximise the noise made by the dance routines. Morris dancers say that unless supplies can be restored, some sides – as groups are known – will stop performing, while others will have to switch to more readily-available rubber fittings, which make far less noise."

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British 13-Year-Olds Must Try Harder

How old is Britain's youngest football hooligan? The answer may surprise you.

4

Metal Thieves Steal Bridge

"A landmark bridge opened by fashion designer Julien Macdonald in his home town has been forced to close after metal thieves stole sections of it," which, this being Britain, they will presumably turn into knives.

3

Britain Cracking Down On Tripartite Angles

"A school has banned triangular flapjacks on health and safety grounds after a pupil was hit in the eye by one during a lunch-time food fight. Dinner ladies at the comprehensive school were told to cut flapjacks into squares or rectangles only from now on after the Year 7 boy was sent home complaining of a sore eye." —It is important to keep in mind that "flapjacks" are different over there (here is a manual) but it is more important to keep in mind that there is nothing British people cannot turn into a knife.

2

Modern Britain Described In Single Sentence

"A hen party appalled by a foul stench at their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a decomposing corpse in the room next door."

1

Even British People Don't Want To Talk To British People

"Millions of Britons are currently not talking to at least one of their neighbours, a survey has shown."

1

Even Non-Horse Meat In Britain Bad

"Meat from cattle contaminated with bovine tuberculosis (bTB) is being sold to some caterers and food manufacturers by Defra, the food and farming ministry admitted yesterday. The raw meat, from around 28,000 diseased animals a year, is banned by most supermarkets and burger chains because of public health concerns. But it is finding its way into schools and hospitals or being used in products such as pies and pasties, the Sunday Times reported." —It is almost like some higher power is literally telling Britons not to eat meat.

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Women Dressed As Badgers Less Ridiculous Group In Story

"Far-Right Extremists Chased Through London by Women Dressed as Badgers"

3

British Lady Says American Broads Are A Bunch Of Lightweights

A British woman says her co-genderists on this side of the pond are happier and healthier because they drink less alcohol, which sounds a lot like a challenge to me. Ladies, will you stand up for America?

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What Kind Of Sharp Stabby Things Are They Buying In Britain Now?

"This is bladey madness" is actually an expose of the ease with which young Britons can procure "LETHAL swords, machetes and knives," but it would also be a great title for a compilation of current music from over there, if someone is interested in putting one together.

1

Who Is Britain's "Nasty Piece Of Work"?

London mayor Boris Johnson had kind of a rough weekend. If you are someone who feels like, "Who is that and why should I care?" I would not normally disagree with you, except that the man is remarkably entertaining and you would definitely enjoy knowing more about him.

1

Yet Another Beard Destroying England

The reviews are in for BBC2 "Newsnight" host Jeremy Paxman after the reader returned from "summer hols" or whatever those weirdos call it with a frisky white beard. The Paxman has no real U.S. equivalent: he's basically like if you multiplied Brian Williams by Oprah but subtracted Katie Couric. The presenter’s facial hair divided commentators with some saying he looked like a hostage filming a video plea, while others likened him to a "rubbish Doctor Who."

A number of people are also concerned that every hipster in Shoreditch is shaving his beard at the moment. In response, Paxy issued this statement that, in America, would have gotten him [...]

1

Behind This Door A Lady Will Make A Baby

What's happening at the front door of the hospital where a famous British lady is going to squeeze out a famous British baby? A whole lot of what you see above, AND MORE. Britain's Sun has set up a cam to "capture all the comings and goings into and out of the Lindo Wing where Duchess of Cambridge Kate, 31, is to give birth," and it's weirdly transfixing, if staring at walls while people walk by can be described as transfixing. About an hour ago a couple of attractive girls came by to hand out cupcakes to the camera crews. Who knows what could happen next? So far [...]

1

But What Is Kanye West's Baby Doing For Our Economy?

"From Union Jack booties to 'Born to Rule' sleepwear, the British royal family has joined retailers in offering baby products to mark the arrival of the royal heir. Analysts estimate the baby fever could boost the economy by 240 million pounds ($380 million)."

4

For The Prevention Of Scottish Glassing

"Plans to ban the pint glass from pubs throughout the Highlands of Scotland have sparked outrage."

5

Joy Offends

"MPs are demanding the BBC back down over plans to play the song Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead on the official singles chart this weekend, after a concerted campaign to make it number one. The Judy Garland song has been seized on by opponents of Margaret Thatcher to celebrate her death from a stroke earlier this week and it has already sold 20,000 copies since Monday. A collection of right-wing newspapers – which just recently were campaigning for media freedom against the Leveson report –have also demanded the BBC desist from playing the song, no matter where it ends up in the charts."

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Britain Reboots Class System

"British people can now aspire to and despise four new levels of social classes, according to a new survey conducted by researchers in partnership with public broadcaster the BBC." Replacing your classic "upper," "middle" and "working" cohorts are seven new classes: "Elite," "Established Middle," "Technical Middle," "New Affluent Workers," "Traditional Working," "Emergent Service Workers" and "Precarious Proletariat." Distinctions aside, they will all stab you for looking at them funny. Which one would you be?