Briton Turns Tiny Plane Into Giant Knife @4:00 PM
Your Knifecrime Island knife crime story of the day involves enormous knives and fox hunting. It's never a good combination: "A pilot and animal rights campaigner who drove a gyrocopter at a member of a fox hunt, cleaving his head from top to bottom with its blades, was cleared of manslaughter today." The report notes that "The case highlighted the intense passions and entrenched views on both sides of the hunting debate," which, uh, yeah. 21
Bring Me The Hand Of The Demented Whist Player @3:05 PM
There's been another blow struck to the national heritage of Knifecrime Island, as the severed hand of swindling cardsharp was stolen from the pub in Wiltshire where it had been on display for nearly a century. The vexed spirit of its owner, thought to still be a regular at the establishment, will no doubt be even more troubled by this disturbing bit of metacarpal thievery. READ MORE 3
Maybe It's Something About Circumcision? @2:20 PM
Okay, I've read this story three times now, and I'm still not sure about why one of these details merits inclusion. READ MORE 40
The Hamster Wheel Recession @10:20 AM
John Lanchester, writing in the LRB, takes a look at the state of the British economy. Here's his prediction for the near future:
At the moment, thanks to the subjective mildness of the recession, we are still in denial. Next, as the full extent of the bill becomes clearer, there will be anger, especially since the hard times will have next to no effect on the bankers and politicians who, in the public mind, caused the crisis. Then there will be a helpful-for-the-government period of inflation. Then interest rates will shoot up in an attempt to control inflation, and at the same time we will see tax rises, services closing and job losses. It’s at this point, as the recovery begins to seem like a tractionless slog, that we’ll go through the depression stage of the cycle.
We're probably a little further along over here, but either way, it's not a lot to look forward to. 4
Fatal Knifecrime Island Stabbing A Novelty Mystery @2:05 PM
"It seems to me that it can’t have been a single stab wound. He seems to have worked on it. The pencil was blunt."
—East Sussex (UK) coroner Alan Craze discusses the strange death of Jeffrey Burton. Burton, a 57-year-old window cleaner, "died after stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil." The case was recorded as an "open verdict," a ruling indicating that while the death was suspicious, no final deliberation could be made as to whether or not it was suicide. 7
The Squid And The Wail @3:40 PM
To Knifecrime Island, where… oh, just read it: "AN alleged pervert was caught with a picture of a man having sex with a dead SQUID, a court heard today. Andrew Dymond, 46, was netted when cops apparently found a haul of grossly offensive porn on his home computer. JPs heard the sea creature was clearly dead in the picture and a man was having sexual intercourse with it." You'll want to click through on this one for the accompanying photo. Also, there is this: "Four of the allegations state he had images showing acts likely to cause 'serious injury to a woman's breasts' and private parts." Can I get a "what a world"? Thank you. 26
British Man Walks Dog From Car @3:00 PM
Knifecrime Island Follies: "As any dog lover knows walkies is a must – even if it is raining, snowing or blowing a gale. But when Paul Railton, 23, looked out of his window on a bitterly cold day last December he had other ideas. He would give his beloved brown lurcher a walk – only this time he was going to do it from the comfort and warmth of his car."
And that's how the story starts. It only gets weirder from there. 7
British Politician's Ass Remains Firmly Planted In Its Seat @12:30 PM
Oh, Knifecrime Island, how I do love your turns of phrase: "David Cameron denied it was 'squeaky bum time' for his party today after a shock poll showed Labour could still be in office after the election. The Tory leader admitted it would be a 'tight contest' but said a close race was good because it would focus people's minds on how they should vote…. Asked during an interview on Heart FM this morning if it was 'squeaky bum time' for the party, he laughed and replied: 'There's certainly nothing squeaking over here.'" 1
The BBC does not do embeddable video, so you will just have to go here to see this story about a volunteer group in Somerset, England, that knits sweaters for bald chickens. I cannot promise that it will be worth your time, but then again I do not know exactly how valuable your time is. @12:10 PM 5
A Musical Compendium Of Current Popular British Shagging Stories @12:45 PM
A working knowledge of the many celebrity scandals which keep the natives of Knifecrime Island too passive to do anything about the absolutely appalling conditions in which they live (if you can call it living) would certainly be helpful to your enjoyment (if you can call it enjoying) of this humorous "song" by "Chenille Steel," but it is not completely necessary because there's something oddly delightful about its sheer awfulness. (You can read some of the lyrics here, if you can call it reading, or those lyrics.) Internet, I just don't know about you sometimes. 23
The colonies strike back, as stabby Prison Islanders show that they will not be outclassed by their former wardens: "ROBBERIES at knifepoint have soared almost 50 per cent in Victoria over the past five years, while possession of knives and other weapons are up a quarter in the same period…. Melbourne saw at least seven knife attacks between Friday and Sunday, while The Alfred hospital this week said it had treated 24 stabbing admissions in the past fortnight." @3:50 PM 3
CGI Gordon Brown Slaps People Around @12:25 PM
The geniuses at Apple Action News (you may remember their work from this or this) have weighed in on the allegations of bullying by British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The way he manhandles his secretary here is VERY DISTURBING! 9
Elderly British Lord Kicks Chinese Dragon Child's Ass @10:25 AM
This story from Britain is so much better if you know who Norman Tebbit is, but it's still pretty funny either way:
Former Cabinet minister Norman Tebbit was today accused of attacking a child who was dressed as a ceremonial Chinese dragon.
Lord Tebbit, 78, ran outside his house after revellers celebrating Chinese New Year in the street at a nearby restaurant started banging a drum and cymbals.
He is alleged to have run into the crowd, put his hands over the drums and then kicked the rear of a child who was dressed in the traditional costume dragon.
Where The Yobs Are @10:40 AM
On Knifecrime Island, persons perpetrating anti-social behaviors which are not considered to merit prosecution are issued an Anti-Social Behaviour Order, or ASBO, which is supposed to prevent them from engaging in those behaviors. Offenses for which an ASBO is issued include drunkenness, intimidation, violence, vandalism, and shoplifting (i.e., being British). Now there's a free app that will tell you just how lairy the hoodies in your current location are! READ MORE 5
Knifecrime Island Chief Eschews Blades For Fists @9:10 AM
Skip ahead to the 7:30 mark of this video to see the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland deny that he has ever hit, shoved, or thrown anything at a member of his staff. The questions come after revelations in an excerpt from a new book about the Labour party in government which includes allegations of lapel grabbing, secretary dragging, upholstery damaging, and always always The Swearing. Whether Gordon Brown's volcanic temper did, in fact, result in this kind of abusive behavior—and the chief executive of Britain's National Bullying Helpline subsequently asserted that, “I have personally taken a call from staff in the Prime Minister’s office, staff who believe they are working in a bullying culture and that it has caused them some stress,”—the Prime Minister's suggestion that the country wants someone who will "push things forward" might not have been the most politic choice of words. 6
Striking a blow for common sense and tradition, a town council in West Yorkshire, England, has reconsidered its decision to rename a railway underpass and has restored it to its original designation of Tickle Cock bridge. @12:00 PM 5
Britons Apparently Still Angry About That Whole "New" Jersey Thing @11:40 AM
This is one of those weird intersections where Jersey Mayhem meets Knifecrime Island: Brendan Byrne, the former governor of New Jersey, was punched in the face by an unprovoked attacker as he and his wife exited London's Waterloo Station. The 85-year-old Byrne tells the Star-Ledger that, "I think I’m alright. I have some cuts on my face. I never fell down, like when I fought Muhammad Ali." (The governor and Ali "sparred" in an 1979 charity match.) "I'm surviving."
Good for him, and best wishes on a speedy recovery. I think we can all be grateful that this was just a simple assault, rather than a more serious glassing. Because you don't want to give folks in Jersey any ideas. 5
Squalid Britons Extremely Casual About Hygiene @10:30 AM
If you need yet more proof that the residents of Knifecrime Island are absolutely filthy individuals, here you go: "A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year, allowing some 10 million bugs and dust mites to settle in for a night cap alongside them." The poll reveals Londoners to be the most slovenly members of their verminous race, with almost 25% admitting that they only give their sheets a washing up every four months, which finally explains Dr. Johnson's famous adage that "when a man is tired of London, he is—holy fuck am I itchy." 13
British Women Are Asking For It @9:40 AM
A survey released just in time for Valentine's Day shows that more than 50% of Britons polled believe that women should start taking responsibility for being raped. READ MORE 11
If you're planning to spike up on Knifecrime Island, take care: Apparently the smack there has been cut with anthrax-infested bone meal. @1:26 PM 4
Knifecrime Islanders Scared Of Their Own (Knife-Wielding) Shadows @11:45 AM
A survey of British voters finds the majority "deeply pessimistic about the state of Britain today, believing that society is broken and heading in the wrong direction" with almost 60% saying "that they hardly recognise the country they are living in, while 42 per cent say they would emigrate if they could." This is interesting: I was reading an article in this week's Economist (sorry, that line reeks of "I'll take 'Things Douchebags Say' for $1000, Alex") on "Broken Britain" which reported that, actually, things aren't that bad. READ MORE 18
Knifecrime Island Glassing Victim Speaks Out @1:20 PM
Greetings from Britain, "the glassing capital of the world":
I was glassed/bottled once a year for three years running. The first happened in Southport because I was wearing a long scarf. The third time was for accidentally spraying somebody with beer in the Old Blue Last. The second, and worst, was on Charing Cross Road in London by a guy who attempted to smash a bottle on the wall three times to stab me. I laughed at him but then he smashed the beer bottle in my face and ran off while his girlfriend cried: “Oh my gawwwwd. What ‘ave you done!” I put my hand to my head and felt a four-inch flap of skin come lose from my head.
In Britain, even the baby shoes come pre-packaged with knives. @11:05 AM 12
Knifecrime Island Braces For Cutting-Edge American Blade Technology @9:10 AM
To Britain, where the penchant for stabbing is about to get a whole lot more exciting due to those innovative chaps from across the pond: "Senior police officers have been warned to look out for a new knife which can inject a ball of compressed gas into its victim that instantly freezes internal organs. The 'wasp knife', which can deliver a ball of compressed gas capable of killing its victim at the press of a button, may be heading for Britain, the Metropolitan Police fear. A needle in the tip of the blade shoots out the frozen ball of gas which instantly balloons to the size of a basketball, freezing organs. The Metropolitan Police have told colleagues in the West Midlands to be on the lookout for the blade, which is designed to kill sharks and bears." Knives! Bears! My work here is finished! READ MORE 19
Knifecrime Island Clerics Blamed For Booze-Related Violence @2:40 PM
The monks of Buckfast Abbey—a pleasant Benedictine order in Devon, England—are rejecting suggestions that their Buckfast Tonic (a highly-caffeinated, 30 proof fortified wine ) is playing a role in the nation's epidemic of drunken violence. The Scottish constabulary have noted the connection: "Buckfast Tonic Wine was mentioned in 5,638 crime reports from 2006 to 2009, Strathclyde Police said. One in 10 of those offences were violent and the bottle was used as a weapon 114 times in that period." READ MORE 15
Science is PISSED: "You just cannot believe what you read in British newspapers. I’d further call on my academic colleagues on both sides of the Atlantic never to speak to British reporters. You have absolutely no control over what they say about you and your scientific research." [Via] @2:10 PM 3
Tony Blair Was Totally Upfront About Doing Whatever America Wanted @10:00 AM
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is appearing before the Chilcot Inquiry on British involvement in Iraq right now. (There's a live stream here, and you can bone up a bit on the background here.) Tony wants the good people of Knifecrime Island to know that he had always planned to support the US against Saddam, because that is pretty much job number one for a British Prime Minister, but there was never any "secret deal," since, hey, everyone knew that he was going to do whatever Bush wanted. Good times. In related news, a fund set up to reward "people attempting a peaceful citizen’s arrest of the former British prime minister" has now collected around £10,000, which is good money for enterprising citizens in these recessionary times. Also, is it me, or is Blair starting to look like Mike Bloomberg? Questions! 6
More news about the growing gender equity over on Knifecrime Island: "Record numbers of women are being arrested for violent crimes, it was revealed today. Annual criminal justice statistics showed 88,139 women were arrested for violent offences in a single year – or nearly 250 every day. That is an increase of nearly 1,000 on a year earlier. At the same time, the number of men arrested for violent crimes fell by 10,000." Do click through for the picture: It is a stock photo of a ladette with a knife. It should probably be put on the British flag. @4:00 PM 9
Britons In Pitched Battle To See Who Can Drink Themselves To Death Fastest @12:45 PM
Has Knifecrime Island's trouble with drink reached epidemic proportions? New figures show that alcohol-related deaths in Britain have doubled since the 1990s. And everyone's getting in on the game: Almost 42,000 cases of hospitalization in three years for those under 18 (or "35 children every DAY," as the Mail has it) were related to alcohol, "middle-class professionals" drink 13.8 alcohol units a week (surpassing their proletarian countrymen, who average 10.6), and 20% of British women over 65 admit to drinking alone on the days they consume the most alcohol. It seems fairly shocking. READ MORE 17
