"SCARED residents are snapping up stab proof vests and protective clothing to shield themselves from attacks during the street light switch-off, an Essex defence company boss claims."
"The British use of understatement and satire is thought to originate from the Vikings, typically noted for raping and pillaging throughout history, when they brought trade from across the world to British shores."
"The controversial French comedian Dieudonné M’bala M’bala has been banned from the UK after one of his shows was barred in France following his branding by the government as anti-Semitic.
Mr Dieudonné had said he wanted to visit Britain to support Nicolas Anelka, a compatriot and West Bromwich Albion football player who has been charged for using the “quenelle”, a gesture created by the comedian that resembles an inverted Nazi salute and is allegedly anti-Semitic."
"England's chief medical officer has said the public should feel 'profoundly ashamed' of a 'very worrying picture' of children's health and called for the scheme of free vitamins to be extended to all under-fives to tackle the return of rickets."
What's plaguing Britain now? Yes, yes, knives. It is an island awash in blades where even a quick run to the corner shop is an obstacle course of drink-sozzled louts in hooded sweatshirts whose twisted desire for the feeling of power brought about by inflicting misery can only be sated by thrusting their sharpened steel into the pliant human flesh of random passersby etc. We already know this is what Britain is all about. But now: With her ear glued to her mobile phone, my 11-year-old daughter, Millie, was deep in conversation, her brow furrowed as she discussed [...]
"A British parish council is the first in the UK set to dedicate part of a proposed new cemetery to obese corpses as crematoriums, morgues and ambulance chiefs gear up for bigger bodies."
"Arguments at weddings can be caused by a variety of reasons: From drunken uncles making a scene and distant cousins unhappy at being on a table by the door, to best man speeches that reveal a little bit too much about the stag do and almost anything to do with the bride’s sister. But now a new source of conflict can be added to the list – a pork pie. Police tweeted that they were on their way to a couple’s wedding celebrations to break up a brawl thought to have been started after an argument about the humble meat pie. Officers from the dog section at West Yorkshire Police [...]
Will the lady who owns Knifecrime Island soon be put out on the streets? She's "down to her last million," according to one of the always restrained journals which deliver the news to that festering mass of pustular blade-wielders, and may have to rent out part of her house—which at least seems to be in keeping with the spirit of the age.
"More than half a million people have been hospitalised in the past three years because of drink or drugs, with those in their 40s behind a surge in cases that is putting a strain on the NHS, official figures reveal. A total of 533,302 people in England have been admitted to hospital as an emergency since 2010 with serious health problems related to their consumption of alcohol or illicit substances. The vast majority were admissions for conditions specifically related to alcohol abuse, such as liver problems. Of those, 60,738 were aged 40 to 44 and another 60,083 were 45 to 49 – together, more than a fifth of the total. [...]
I am not going to pretend that many of you have either the time or the inclination to watch a five-and-a-half minute news story about the forces arrayed for and against a badger cull in Britain, but for those of you who do you are in for a fascinating five-plus minutes. There is something about the variety of human passion on display here that will make you look at our species with a mixture of pity and admiration. For the rest of you, here is a story about an alligator who kept triggering the automatic doors outside an Orlando Wal-Mart. Watch what you want, I won't judge.
It would be very easy to treat the "surprising new figures" revealed by this survey that "more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath" as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence their medical professionals [...]
"I don't see why the police service or the health service should pick up the duty of care for someone who has chosen to go out and get so drunk that they cannot look after themselves. So why don't we take them to a drunk cell owned by a commercial company and get the commercial company to look after them during the night until they are sober? When that is over, we will issue them with a fixed penalty and the company will be able to charge them for their care, which would be at a quite significant cost, and that might be a significant deterrent." —Will Britain privatize [...]
"A murder suspect has been cleared after experts found that a supposed confession she made in a 999 call was mis-heard because of her strong regional accent."
At the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in the northeast of England (England, for the uninitiated, is a series of small wet rocks in the North Atlantic Ocean), penguins have been given anti-depressants because penguins are apparently pretty perceptive and are aware of the awful place in which they live. This winter has been the wettest on record in Scarborough, and while the Humboldt penguin (native to coastal Chile) is perfectly capable of dealing with brutal cold, these particular penguins are no match for the psyche-destroying sleet of an English winter. Hopefully they'll be kept away from the knives.
Photo by Fruggo
"A deserted cruise ship crawling with cannibal rats is feared to be heading towards Britain, marine experts revealed." There is video, but it is mostly of a boat, which, zzzz.
"The Prime Minister is fast turning in to the least popular groupie in town. David Cameron has been spurned by another of his musical heroes after praising the work of The Housemartins in the House of Commons. Speaking at Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Cameron hailed the 1980s band while congratulating Hull on being made the UK's next City of Culture…. The band's former lead singer, Paul Heaton, immediately took to Twitter telling fans: 'Well, apparently David Cameron likes London 0 Hull 4. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???'" —Maybe the most disturbing thing here is [...]
"A man was charged with trespass and possession of a blade last night after an intruder allegedly tried to barge his way into Buckingham Palace. David Belmar, 44, was tackled by police at the Queen’s London home after apparently trying to access the main staff entrance while carrying a knife."
"According to new research, 13.3 million Brits suffer from ‘60-second social media meltdown’, becoming impatient for a reply, acknowledgement or approval in the online world, far more than compared to daily life. The latest survey shows the trend for posting daily ‘selfies’, holiday snaps or updates from a night out on the town can result in Brits feeling put out if friends and followers don’t acknowledge them. Neediness is rife on dating apps and websites, with 43 per cent of Brits expecting a ‘like’ or reply to a love note within a minute before losing their calm. [...]