"The Prime Minister is fast turning in to the least popular groupie in town. David Cameron has been spurned by another of his musical heroes after praising the work of The Housemartins in the House of Commons. Speaking at Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Cameron hailed the 1980s band while congratulating Hull on being made the UK's next City of Culture…. The band's former lead singer, Paul Heaton, immediately took to Twitter telling fans: 'Well, apparently David Cameron likes London 0 Hull 4. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???'" —Maybe the most disturbing thing here is [...]
"A man was charged with trespass and possession of a blade last night after an intruder allegedly tried to barge his way into Buckingham Palace. David Belmar, 44, was tackled by police at the Queen’s London home after apparently trying to access the main staff entrance while carrying a knife."
"According to new research, 13.3 million Brits suffer from ‘60-second social media meltdown’, becoming impatient for a reply, acknowledgement or approval in the online world, far more than compared to daily life. The latest survey shows the trend for posting daily ‘selfies’, holiday snaps or updates from a night out on the town can result in Brits feeling put out if friends and followers don’t acknowledge them. Neediness is rife on dating apps and websites, with 43 per cent of Brits expecting a ‘like’ or reply to a love note within a minute before losing their calm. [...]
"A sinister looking clown has been stalking the streets at night in a town north of London, becoming an online sensation and sparking a hunt for the person behind the mask…. While the clown looks terrifying, so far it has only been spotted waving creepily at residents and standing on street corners holding a bunch of balloons and sometimes a teddy bear." —It's the teddy bear part that really does it for me. Maybe it's the "at night" part. Anyway, this being the world in which we live now, "The clown's Facebook page has more than 21,000 likes and users [...]
The reviews are in for BBC2 "Newsnight" host Jeremy Paxman after the reader returned from "summer hols" or whatever those weirdos call it with a frisky white beard. The Paxman has no real U.S. equivalent: he's basically like if you multiplied Brian Williams by Oprah but subtracted Katie Couric. The presenter’s facial hair divided commentators with some saying he looked like a hostage filming a video plea, while others likened him to a "rubbish Doctor Who."
A number of people are also concerned that every hipster in Shoreditch is shaving his beard at the moment. In response, Paxy issued this statement that, in America, would have gotten him [...]
What's happening at the front door of the hospital where a famous British lady is going to squeeze out a famous British baby? A whole lot of what you see above, AND MORE. Britain's Sun has set up a cam to "capture all the comings and goings into and out of the Lindo Wing where Duchess of Cambridge Kate, 31, is to give birth," and it's weirdly transfixing, if staring at walls while people walk by can be described as transfixing. About an hour ago a couple of attractive girls came by to hand out cupcakes to the camera crews. Who knows what could happen next? So far [...]
"From Union Jack booties to 'Born to Rule' sleepwear, the British royal family has joined retailers in offering baby products to mark the arrival of the royal heir. Analysts estimate the baby fever could boost the economy by 240 million pounds ($380 million)."
"England's chief medical officer has said the public should feel 'profoundly ashamed' of a 'very worrying picture' of children's health and called for the scheme of free vitamins to be extended to all under-fives to tackle the return of rickets."
What's plaguing Britain now? Yes, yes, knives. It is an island awash in blades where even a quick run to the corner shop is an obstacle course of drink-sozzled louts in hooded sweatshirts whose twisted desire for the feeling of power brought about by inflicting misery can only be sated by thrusting their sharpened steel into the pliant human flesh of random passersby etc. We already know this is what Britain is all about. But now: With her ear glued to her mobile phone, my 11-year-old daughter, Millie, was deep in conversation, her brow furrowed as she discussed [...]
Hahahaha, British people don't realize that they all sound like knife-wielding scumbags.
Pay close attention, because based on the amount of fuss they are making over it in the report, it doesn't seem as if something like this happens all that often.
Today is a terrible day to get stabbed in Britain. I mean, assuming you want to live. Which, if you're in Britain, may not be the correct assumption. Actually, I can understand the upside to suddenly seeing the quick glint of a blade and then a fade to black, with the comforting realization that you no longer need to waste time in that gray, vomit-encrusted hellhole they pretend is a civilized country. Plus, you know how the whole baby thing turned out, so, really, you're not waiting around for anything else now. Come to think of it, you're probably better off going out there to get stabbed today. The [...]
"It’s very rare in the U.K. to have a national police operation of this kind. The others are for drug trafficking, human trafficking, and football hooliganism." —You can try to guess but it is probably just easier to click and see.
"The Joint Morris Organisations, the umbrella group for the hobby, has said it is struggling to cope with a nationwide shortage of 'irons' to fit onto the clogs worn by dancers. The dearth has been blamed on a lack of blacksmiths now producing the items, which are fitted to the soles of the wooden footwear, rather like horse shoes, in order to maximise the noise made by the dance routines. Morris dancers say that unless supplies can be restored, some sides – as groups are known – will stop performing, while others will have to switch to more readily-available rubber fittings, which make far less noise."
I am not going to pretend that many of you have either the time or the inclination to watch a five-and-a-half minute news story about the forces arrayed for and against a badger cull in Britain, but for those of you who do you are in for a fascinating five-plus minutes. There is something about the variety of human passion on display here that will make you look at our species with a mixture of pity and admiration. For the rest of you, here is a story about an alligator who kept triggering the automatic doors outside an Orlando Wal-Mart. Watch what you want, I won't judge.
It would be very easy to treat the "surprising new figures" revealed by this survey that "more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath" as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence they call "skin," [...]
"I don't see why the police service or the health service should pick up the duty of care for someone who has chosen to go out and get so drunk that they cannot look after themselves. So why don't we take them to a drunk cell owned by a commercial company and get the commercial company to look after them during the night until they are sober? When that is over, we will issue them with a fixed penalty and the company will be able to charge them for their care, which would be at a quite significant cost, and that might be a significant deterrent." —Will Britain privatize [...]
"A hen party appalled by a foul stench at their seaside guest house discovered it was coming from a decomposing corpse in the room next door."
"Millions of Britons are currently not talking to at least one of their neighbours, a survey has shown."
"Meat from cattle contaminated with bovine tuberculosis (bTB) is being sold to some caterers and food manufacturers by Defra, the food and farming ministry admitted yesterday. The raw meat, from around 28,000 diseased animals a year, is banned by most supermarkets and burger chains because of public health concerns. But it is finding its way into schools and hospitals or being used in products such as pies and pasties, the Sunday Times reported." —It is almost like some higher power is literally telling Britons not to eat meat.