A British woman says her co-genderists on this side of the pond are happier and healthier because they drink less alcohol, which sounds a lot like a challenge to me. Ladies, will you stand up for America?
"This is bladey madness" is actually an expose of the ease with which young Britons can procure "LETHAL swords, machetes and knives," but it would also be a great title for a compilation of current music from over there, if someone is interested in putting one together.
London mayor Boris Johnson had kind of a rough weekend. If you are someone who feels like, "Who is that and why should I care?" I would not normally disagree with you, except that the man is remarkably entertaining and you would definitely enjoy knowing more about him.
"Tesco has withdrawn its frozen Simply Roast Meatloaf after finding traces of up to 5 per cent horse meat in it, the company said last night…. Separately, the company is plotting a move into family dining by buying the Giraffe restaurant chain for up to £50m, it was reported last night."
"A West Yorkshire abattoir has been accused of passing off horsemeat as beef for kebabs and burgers." RELATED: "Subscribe to Horse & Hound print magazine and save £50 over the year% — now includes iPad edition at no extra cost!"
As food safety authorities "try to find out how beefburgers on sale in UK and Irish Republic supermarkets became contaminated with horsemeat," a helpful soul "has launched an online calculator – so burger fans can work out how many horses they could eat in a lifetime." I mean, let's be honest, you're eating a lot worse than horse when you're having a burger, but sure, oh no the ponies, etc.
"MPs are demanding the BBC back down over plans to play the song Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead on the official singles chart this weekend, after a concerted campaign to make it number one. The Judy Garland song has been seized on by opponents of Margaret Thatcher to celebrate her death from a stroke earlier this week and it has already sold 20,000 copies since Monday. A collection of right-wing newspapers – which just recently were campaigning for media freedom against the Leveson report –have also demanded the BBC desist from playing the song, no matter where it ends up in the charts."
"British people can now aspire to and despise four new levels of social classes, according to a new survey conducted by researchers in partnership with public broadcaster the BBC." Replacing your classic "upper," "middle" and "working" cohorts are seven new classes: "Elite," "Established Middle," "Technical Middle," "New Affluent Workers," "Traditional Working," "Emergent Service Workers" and "Precarious Proletariat." Distinctions aside, they will all stab you for looking at them funny. Which one would you be?
"The authors found that, despite the overall decline, emotion words have become relatively more frequent in US texts than in British books since about 1980. Conversely, before then, any differences between books from the two sides of the Atlantic had been minor. Such changes were not seen for general words selected at random. 'Our results … support the popular notion that American authors express more emotion than the British,' they write." —If you think British literary fiction is coolly understated while American literary fiction is mostly hysterical overwriting about nothing important, new research suggests you are correct.
"The annual Shed of the Year competition to search for the UK’s most wacky and wonderful sheds is underway." Are there photos, you ask? Are there photos? Why, gentle reader, there is a whole PHOTOGALLERY.
"The 'normal' teenager loves fake tanning, blonde highlights, manicures and getting dressed up for parties themed around her favourite reality TV show. She is the daughter of a black cab driver and dreams of one day being a performer in the West End – like Essex celebrity Denise Van Outen." —But there is something surprising about her! Can you guess what it is?
Maybe it would be easier if they just start detailing what percentage of British meat didn't used to be a pony.
"A gang of swan killers are being hunted by police amid fears the birds are being stolen to eat."
"A landmark bridge opened by fashion designer Julien Macdonald in his home town has been forced to close after metal thieves stole sections of it," which, this being Britain, they will presumably turn into knives.
"A school has banned triangular flapjacks on health and safety grounds after a pupil was hit in the eye by one during a lunch-time food fight. Dinner ladies at the comprehensive school were told to cut flapjacks into squares or rectangles only from now on after the Year 7 boy was sent home complaining of a sore eye." —It is important to keep in mind that "flapjacks" are different over there (here is a manual) but it is more important to keep in mind that there is nothing British people cannot turn into a knife.
Whenever the meat supply on Knifecrime Island is perceived to be compromised, the government of the day trots out an unlucky official to take one for the team and graze on whatever bits of gristle and hoof they want to reassure their suddenly squeamish countrymen—people who eat sausage made out of dried blood on a regular basis—that everything's just fine. Nearly a quarter century after an agriculture minister attempted to fell the fear that crazy cows might do further damage to the already addled grey matter of that cursed island's lager-fueled legion of louts by attempting (unsuccessfully) to cram a BSE-burger into a [...]
"Tesco tonight became the latest firm to drop a major supplier after discovering a range of spaghetti bolognese ready meals contained more than 60% horse meat." Perhaps it is time we refine this recipe to reflect modern British tastes.
"A drug that can cause cancer in humans may have entered the food chain through horse meat slaughtered in UK abattoirs, Labour has claimed."
