Or something like that. Anyway, everyone's real upset over the (quickly fading) neon-green Spring Street bike lane that runs past L.A.'s City Hall, because it… impedes the film industry's ability to mimic Real America. If only other cities had enormous financial incentives to lure TV and movie production outside of L.A.!

This makes me feel like I'm going to crap my pants a little just from reading it: A ten-macchiato bike trip around New York City. Talk about your dangerous stunt nonfiction!

1. Don't.

2. If you have to ride the subway, everyone else comes before you. It's known as yielding.

3. Is it rush hour? Don't bring your bike on the subway.

4. "But I just have to ride the train during rush hour!" Then only outbound in the morning, and inbound in the evening. Otherwise, you're an incorrigible imp. And you'll probably get a ticket.

5. At the turnstile, signal the MTA attendant in the booth by waving your arms wildly and gesturing to the gate (is there no booth at the entrance? Go the hell back upstairs and enter at a booth station entrance), swipe your Metrocard, spin the [...]

"With a bike, it's all about fitness, strength and stamina. But in some ways a top of the range bicycle says many of the same things about you as a sports car – they both have a rugged, dangerous element to them." -Psychologist Cliff Arnall explains the logic behind the idea that bicycles are the new Ferraris when it comes to signaling midlife crises in middle-aged men. I am not exactly sure why riding around on something that squashes your nuts flat like a penny on a railroad track will somehow increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex, but then again I hate bicycles and the people who ride [...]