Drunken Australians Can Turn Anything Into A Weapon @11:20 AM
Paramedics on Prison Island are calling for a ban on pool cues and glass ashtrays in pubs to prevent attacks. The government of Queensland, Australia, had previously "banned glasses from some pubs and clubs to stop so-called 'glassing' attacks," but enterprising assailants have simply turned to other tools at hand in their apparent war against ambulance workers, approximately 150 of whom were assaulted in the last year. While Queensland's government has indicated that it is willing to consider further legislation, but local publicans are less convinced. READ MORE 21
Prison Island Celebrates Groundbreaking Of First Prison @9:20 AM
Today is Australia Day, when those happy residents of Prison Island commemorate the arrival of a British fleet looking for a suitable place in which to outsource its penal system. But not every Prison Islander sees the event as a cause for celebration; many are upset that the Prison Island flag still contains part of the Knifecrime Island flag in its design. In a country not 35 years removed from the ouster of its Prime Minister by the Queen of Knifecrime Island's representative, the taint of British rule still rankles, particularly to those who call the holiday "Invasion Day." Will Prison Island grow up and throw off the shackles of colonialism? It's too soon to tell. Plus, the British have all the knives, and you don't want to mess with that, no matter how much convict DNA you've got running through your bloodstream. Anyway, Happy National Day, Prison Islanders! 13
Are you one of the two Sydney college students photographed in the act of copulation atop that city's famous clocktower? If so, please get in touch with Australia's Daily Telegraph. There's probably a quick buck in it for you! 12
Autralian Town Plagued By Infestation Of Bouncy Marsupials @2:30 PM
This video also contains wallabies and emus! 7
Muttonhead Vandal Collared by Oz Fuzz: Krylon-Huffing Idiot Twitter Fingers to Blame. @3:50 PM
I have a soft spot for graffiti artists. I realize I am one of maybe four people who still give a shit about the art form but I genuinely adore a few of them and take great pleasure in their stories and perusing through their piecebooks. And while I'm sure a couple of them really are vile fingerless glove wearing derelicts who are bloated with street cred while starving to death on building stoops, stinking of diseased pee and dithering about how real New York was SO REAL, others have gone on to becoming brilliant fine artists, making stupid amounts of money, owning property, and having lots to lose. And yet the tie that binds is that there will always be this COMPULSION to get up. Especially when out of town. Especially when out of continent, like if you were being flown out to melanoma land a.k.a. Prison Island a.k.a. Australia, where it feels like law doesn't exist since people are too squat in discipline to say "afternoon" instead saying webbed-toe shit like "arvo." I think it's sort of excusable to think their vandal squad maybe hadn't figured out how to follow you on Twitter. But man, I wish REVOK hadn't Tweeted his exact when and whereabouts. Especially about going to the airport right when he was going to the airport. He could be back in California stuffing his face full of Tim Tams. Stupid fingers. 5
Monster Shark Terrorizes Australia @10:13 AM
What's going on off the coast of Prison Island? Oh, just a case of MONSTER SHARK SYNDROME! "The nine-foot white pointer shark emerged from the waters off the Queensland coast with an eye-popping wound: two gigantic bite marks that nearly split it in two. What could possibly be large enough to have a jaw that big? Experts say it's likely a monster shark measuring at least 15 feet in length." Look at this non-monster shark (although, sure, nine feet is nothing to sneeze at) and feel the terror. Also the amazingness. I mean, it's pretty goddamn cool. I just hope the monster shark doesn't do blackface. 13
Australian Justice Served Up With Kitchen Implements @10:30 AM
The current debate at the heart of Australian society concerns the wooden spoon: Specifically, should you be allowed to beat your child with one? Victoria's Claire Davidson, cautioned by police after her nine year old revealed that she was subject to harsh utensil-based discipline, is unrepentant.
"We only use the wooden spoon and that is only when she is being naughty and we give her fair chance to rectify the situation and we talk her through it," she told the Herald Sun.
She said her daughters gets three warnings and, then, "it is spoon time."
Elsewhere, other Prison Islanders recall their own run-ins with wooden spoons. It really does sound like the most magical place on earth. 22
Australia Running Out Of Groups To Insult @10:20 AM
Less than a week after drawing worldwide scorn for its love of blackface—and notwithstanding the awesomeness of its sweary waitresses—Prison Island is once again at the center of controversy, this time after Victoria played host to "the Midget's Cup," a race which "featured dwarfs dressed as jockeys being piggy-backed by punters along the race track and over the finish line." While many are horrified, a former president of the Short-Statured People of Australia says, "We don't have too big an issue with it. We're actually surprised about how big an issue has been created around it." Which is kind of a perfect quote, right? 8
Australian Passenger Was Not Sucking That Guy's Dick @8:45 AM
"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me. But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job."
—Darwin waitress Allyson White denies speculation that she was performing oral sex on the driver of a car that crashed last week in Australia's Northern Territory. [Please click through, this is far from the best quote in the article.] 28
Australians Confused About Racism, Harry Connick Jr. @11:50 AM
Australians, furious at Harry Connick Jr. for getting upset by that whole blackface thing, are cheering the emergence of this 13-year-old clip from "MADtv," which apparently exposes Connick as a hypocrite because he is, uh, playing a southern preacher next to an actual black guy. As one of the many YouTube commenters to the clip notes, "By people comparing this, it's apparent that many Australians don't get what blackface is. No wonder why they are left scratching their heads about the whole incident." Exactly. Australians: too stupid to be racist? 27
Still Fresh And Funny In Australia: Blackface @11:50 AM
"Hey Hey It's Saturday," an Australian variety show that ran for 28 years, recently aired a reunion special in which they brought back some classic bits, including this performance by a Jackson 5 tribute group called the "Jackson Jive." You know what never gets old for the folks on Prison Island? Blackface! Oh, how they chuckle! Somewhat less amused was American celebrity judge Harry Connick, Jr., who helpfully explains at the end of this clip that those of us in this country "have spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons that when we see something like that we really take it to heart." Indeed. 30
Nasty Australian Yeast Pate Searches For Less Stupid Name @12:20 PM
Kraft's Vegemite iSnack debacle has resulted in the company's decision to withdraw the name—but not the horrific product—and hold yet another competition to choose a moniker. While suspicious minds are already suggesting that "Kraft deliberately chose an utterly rubbish name to provoke outrage and great exposure for the new spread," the company has denied that rumor, claiming that they really are just that stupid. Relatedly, here's a look at some other iconic Australian brands receiving similar treatment. 6
Nasty Australian Yeast Pate Draws Fire For Stupid Name @3:05 PM
Australians are up in arms over the branding of a new version of the country's national snack, Vegemite—a disgusting spread made from the carcasses of diseased koalas. (Kidding! It's made from yeast extract, which is somehow actually much less appealing.) Kraft brought out a variety of Vegemite that contains cream cheese, which was not a big deal because clearly they'll eat anything over there on Prison Island. No, the real trouble came when the company attempted to "crowdsource" the name of the new concoction (as had been done with the original spread back in 1920). READ MORE 34
Australians Will Believe Anything @11:30 AM
A study purporting to show Sydney as Australia's most gullible city was revealed to be a hoax, but not before it was widely reported as fact in the Australian media. One tipoff might have come from the fake report's explanation of methodology: "These results were completely made up to be fictitious material through a process of modified truth and credibility nodes." 1
Sensitive Aussies Upset By Hasty Climax Ad @11:29 AM
AdFreak serves up this controversial Australian spot aimed at shaming celeritous emitters into treating their condition. Said one aggrieved viewer, "There's no reason to tell the sheilas that a minute and a half is an unacceptable—oh, shit, I just came." Prison Island's Advertising Standards Board ruled the ad offensive "because it suggested a serious men's health issue was akin to a criminal offence, while the apparent frustration shown by the woman was suggestive of intolerance towards men suffering from premature ejaculation." And if there's one thing Australians are known for, it's tolerance. Also premature ejaculation. 3
Boner-Inspiring Aussie Bigot Spreads Prejudice, Boners @5:12 PM
In lieu of an evening News Blender, please enjoy this video of a smoking hot Australian racist, who, according to Videogum, is the Internet's newest celebrity. Maybe tomorrow will be better! But don't count on it. 16
