This goat wasn't kidding around! Hahaha, get it? Sigh. He had a good run, at least.

Over the weekend in the far-off and forgotten colony of Australia, a long-standing problem in athletics was finally solved! Tennis, a thorny question that first began plaguing the English in the 19th century, is now complete, with the conclusion of a record five-hour-and-53-minute match to end the Australian Open. Ecstatic with their work, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic pretty much nearly barfed during the trophy ceremony. (Nadal actually sat on the net; Djokovic was pretty much face-to-knees; finally, two little convicts scurried onto the court with chairs for the pair.) READ MORE

So this finally happened: "A popular 'meat-market' smartphone app that spawned a sexual revolution in Australia's gay community has been compromised by a Sydney hacker, potentially exposing intimate personal chats, explicit photos and private information of users." Ta da! But wait, there's more: "A security expert who did not wish to be named... said that the Grindr and Blendr apps 'had no real security.'" The modern age is fun where we just trust all our data and naked pictures to anyone who makes an app!

These neon-clad night surfers celebrating the first day of the Australian summer at Bondi Beach must have looked like a big tray of glow-in-the-dark jello shots to sharks, who tend to feed at night. I'm glad no one got eaten.

Are you up on "conching?" It's like "planking" or "horse maning" except that it's done by dolphins instead of humans, and instead of being done solely for the purposes of display and photography (though it does make for some cool pictures) it also apparently helps the dolphins eat. It goes like this: dolphins trap small fish inside empty conch shells, and then bring the conch shells up to the surface of the water, and tip the fish into their mouths. Like we do with a pack of M&M's. But they use their beaks, instead of their hands. This behavior has been witnessed at least six times now in Shark Bay on Australia's western coast. Pretty amazing, right? Pretty great! Until one of the dolphins decides he wants more power, and would prefer anarchy to easy fishing, and smashes the conch shell and kills the smart fat dolphin, and exposes the dark, Hobbesian truth of dolphin nature. Which, of course, we already know about.

"The prison population of England and Wales has hit a new record high of 86,608 people," thanks to several hundred young rioters being held in the system. Yup: 86,000 people are in prison out of a population of 53,390,300. Yeah... so that's .0016% of England and Wales. (The U.S. has about 2,300,000 people in prison, out of 307,006,550 people—almost five times as many, by population.) READ MORE