You COULD SAY this Prison Island macropod was "distressed and far outside his normal environment" and probably needed "veterinary observation" to make sure it wasn't "suffering from some sort of" marsupial "illness." In fact, DO say it. Let everybody else make the "hopped up on" jokes. You're better than that.
Good lord, Australia, stop pelting your Prime Minister with sandwiches. I mean, unless that's a sign of respect down there, which given everything we know about that country it probably is.
To Prison Island, where spoilsport smartypants are trying to suck all the joy out of the only nonviolent activity to bring the natives pleasure: "A toxicologist has warned against frolicking in the smelly brown foam blanketing Sunshine Coast beaches as hidden dangers lurk within. University of Queensland Associate Professor Barry Noller said residents should steer clear of the foam whipped up by strong winds off the foreshore for fears it may be poisonous and containing pollutants, toxins and sewage." To which Australians [...]
Whether or not you choose to watch all six minutes of this video of a Lord Howe Island walking stick hatching from its egg (I did, twice… though I wish it had Galaxie 500's "Another Day" as its soundtrack), please read the story of how the egg came to be at the Melbourne Zoo in the first place. It's incredibly exciting! Almost six inches long, with thick exoskeletons that can bring their weight to 25 grams, Lord Howe Island walking sticks, or "tree lobsters" as they're sometimes called, are the heaviest non-flying insects in the world. They live together in mated pairs and when they sleep, [...]
Over the weekend in the far-off and forgotten colony of Australia, a long-standing problem in athletics was finally solved! Tennis, a thorny question that first began plaguing the English in the 19th century, is now complete, with the conclusion of a record five-hour-and-53-minute match to end the Australian Open. Ecstatic with their work, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic pretty much nearly barfed during the trophy ceremony. (Nadal actually sat on the net; Djokovic was pretty much face-to-knees; finally, two little convicts scurried onto the court with chairs for the pair.)
We expect word later today from the upcoming Sony Ericsson and then the U.S. Open about their cancellations, [...]
I have an odd fascination with the Prime Ministers of Australia. From Gough Whitlam, the only officeholder to be dismissed by the representative of the British (and, I suppose, Australian) crown, to Paul Keating, who proved that being super foulmouthed is not enough to guarantee your reelection on Prison Island, there are any number of fairly interesting stories. But it's tough to top that of Harold Holt, the man who went for a swim and never came back.
Are you up on "conching?" It's like "planking" or "horse maning" except that it's done by dolphins instead of humans, and instead of being done solely for the purposes of display and photography (though it does make for some cool pictures) it also apparently helps the dolphins eat. It goes like this: dolphins trap small fish inside empty conch shells, and then bring the conch shells up to the surface of the water, and tip the fish into their mouths. Like we do with a pack of M&M's. But they use their beaks, instead of their hands. This behavior has been witnessed at least [...]
"Investigations were under way yesterday into who lobbed Vegemite sandwiches at Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard as she toured a Queensland school."
Australian police are warning the people down there to stop using Apple's terrible maps program, because the app is so worthless that people could easily die if they believe the ridiculous maps have any connection to earthly reality. For example, Apple Maps is telling gullible Australians that an entire city, Mildura, is hidden within a vast and terrible wilderness 44 miles away from the actual city.
Police have received calls from motorists who have been stranded in the park without adequate food and water for as long as 24 hours. The park does not have a water supply, police said. Combined with the fact that temperatures in the [...]
Fans awaiting the long-delayed remake of the Red Dawn reboot will have something to slake the thirst this weekend. The United States is finally getting a theatrical release of Tomorrow, When the War Began, the tale of Australian teenagers in armed rebellion against a national invasion.
Based on the wildly popular Tomorrow book series from the 1990s, Tomorrow, When the War Began updates one long-debated detail of the young adult novels. Now there is no doubt that the invaders are Asian.
It's a perfect film for the anxious American scene now, where a number of factors are colluding to expose just how far Asian stereotypes have hooks [...]
So this finally happened: "A popular 'meat-market' smartphone app that spawned a sexual revolution in Australia's gay community has been compromised by a Sydney hacker, potentially exposing intimate personal chats, explicit photos and private information of users." Ta da! But wait, there's more: "A security expert who did not wish to be named… said that the Grindr and Blendr apps 'had no real security.'" The modern age is fun where we just trust all our data and naked pictures to anyone who makes an app!
These neon-clad night surfers celebrating the first day of the Australian summer at Bondi Beach must have looked like a big tray of glow-in-the-dark jello shots to sharks, who tend to feed at night. I'm glad no one got eaten.
"The prison population of England and Wales has hit a new record high of 86,608 people," thanks to several hundred young rioters being held in the system. Yup: 86,000 people are in prison out of a population of 53,390,300. Yeah… so that's .0016% of England and Wales. (The U.S. has about 2,300,000 people in prison, out of 307,006,550 people—almost five times as many, by population.)
Guess what? This means England has surpassed its tragic colony, old Prisoncrime Island, in rates of imprisonment—with all of 22 million people, Australia has only like 30,000 people in prison. (Though they're trying desperately to up their rates!)
Come Visit South Australia, Where We Will Chop You Up And Turn You Into Sausage For Our Demonic Feast
"Just thought you might enjoy this singularly creepy tourism ad for the Barossa Valley in South Australia," writes a correspondent from Down Under. "The Barossa is a famous wine-growing and foodie area, so I can understand why someone thought 'Be consumed' was a killer line. Unfortunately when it's paired with Nick Cave's 'Red Right Hand' and South Australia's reputation as the serial killer state… well. 'You know you're never coming back', indeed." I kind of like this, but I am also of the opinion that pretty much anywhere you go in Australia you have even odds of ending up as the filling for a meat pie, so I guess [...]
On July 2, 1776, in a letter to his wife Abigail, John Adams wrote: This second day of July 1776 will be the most memorable epocha in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the Day of Deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forever more.
As it turned out, Adams was nearly right about this, [...]
"What I want her to do is get rid of those bloody jackets. Every time she turns around you’ve got that strange horizontal crease, which means they’re cut too narrow in the hips. You’ve got a big arse, Julia. Just get on with it." —Feminist hero Germaine Greer speaks truth to power while discussing Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard.
This goat wasn't kidding around! Hahaha, get it? Sigh. He had a good run, at least.
"A snack maker in Australia has won approval to call its product 'Nuckin Futs' after authorities accepted the f-word was part of the country's vernacular."
"Australia's socialist PM under fire for failing to curtsey to the Queen (or bothering to wear a hat)"