Australia Offers Rest Of World Brief Chuckle
"Investigations were under way yesterday into who lobbed Vegemite sandwiches at Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard as she toured a Queensland school."
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Apple Maps and Apps: Are They Killing Everyone?
Australian police are warning the people down there to stop using Apple's terrible maps program, because the app is so worthless that people could easily die if they believe the ridiculous maps have any connection to earthly reality. For example, Apple Maps is telling gullible Australians that an entire city, Mildura, is hidden within a vast and terrible wilderness 44 miles away from the actual city.
Police have received calls from motorists who have been stranded in the park without adequate food and water for as long as 24 hours. The park does not have a water supply, police said. Combined with the fact that temperatures in the [...]
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The "Long-Feared Asiatic Colossus" Attacks America's Theaters
Fans awaiting the long-delayed remake of the Red Dawn reboot will have something to slake the thirst this weekend. The United States is finally getting a theatrical release of Tomorrow, When the War Began, the tale of Australian teenagers in armed rebellion against a national invasion.
Based on the wildly popular Tomorrow book series from the 1990s, Tomorrow, When the War Began updates one long-debated detail of the young adult novels. Now there is no doubt that the invaders are Asian.
It's a perfect film for the anxious American scene now, where a number of factors are colluding to expose just how far Asian stereotypes have hooks [...]
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Gay Disaster: Grindr Hacked
So this finally happened: "A popular 'meat-market' smartphone app that spawned a sexual revolution in Australia's gay community has been compromised by a Sydney hacker, potentially exposing intimate personal chats, explicit photos and private information of users." Ta da! But wait, there's more: "A security expert who did not wish to be named… said that the Grindr and Blendr apps 'had no real security.'" The modern age is fun where we just trust all our data and naked pictures to anyone who makes an app!
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It's Summer In Australia, And Glow-In-The-Dark Surfers Make The Living Easy For Great Whites
These neon-clad night surfers celebrating the first day of the Australian summer at Bondi Beach must have looked like a big tray of glow-in-the-dark jello shots to sharks, who tend to feed at night. I'm glad no one got eaten.
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England Now Has More Prisoners Per Capita Than Australia
"The prison population of England and Wales has hit a new record high of 86,608 people," thanks to several hundred young rioters being held in the system. Yup: 86,000 people are in prison out of a population of 53,390,300. Yeah… so that's .0016% of England and Wales. (The U.S. has about 2,300,000 people in prison, out of 307,006,550 people—almost five times as many, by population.)
Guess what? This means England has surpassed its tragic colony, old Prisoncrime Island, in rates of imprisonment—with all of 22 million people, Australia has only like 30,000 people in prison. (Though they're trying desperately to up their rates!)
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Australians To Be Fined For Being Australian
Good lord, Prison Island, what next? "TO PUT it bluntly, we're all f—ed. It might be therapeutic to let off a stream of expletives if your team is getting flogged or if you hit your finger with a hammer, but it can also be illegal. And under laws set to be introduced to State Parliament this week, Victoria Police will get permanent powers to slap potty-mouthed perpetrators with on-the-spot fines of up to $240 for using language deemed to be indecent, disorderly, offensive or threatening."
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The Grim American History Of 'The Bicentennial Minute'
On July 2, 1776, in a letter to his wife Abigail, John Adams wrote: This second day of July 1776 will be the most memorable epocha in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the Day of Deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forever more.
As it turned out, Adams was nearly right about this, [...]
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Feminist Australian
"What I want her to do is get rid of those bloody jackets. Every time she turns around you’ve got that strange horizontal crease, which means they’re cut too narrow in the hips. You’ve got a big arse, Julia. Just get on with it." —Feminist hero Germaine Greer speaks truth to power while discussing Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard.
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Prison Island Goat Ends Up In Dog Prison
This goat wasn't kidding around! Hahaha, get it? Sigh. He had a good run, at least.
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Australians Foulmouthed
"A snack maker in Australia has won approval to call its product 'Nuckin Futs' after authorities accepted the f-word was part of the country's vernacular."
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Prison Island Woman Doesn't Know Her Place
"Australia's socialist PM under fire for failing to curtsey to the Queen (or bothering to wear a hat)"
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If You Meet An Australian With A Ned Kelly Tattoo, Politely Excuse Yourself
"Kelly is a dominant figure in the popular perception of Australian colonial history with quite disparate opinions being voiced. On one hand he is viewed as a common criminal given to cattle rustling and armed conflict with the police, while on the other he is viewed as an Irish freedom fighter standing up to the oppressive British authorities. On either side of the debate his image is generally taken as representing an anti-establishment position." —Roger Byard, professor of pathology at the University of Adelaide, discusses a study in which he found that Australians who have tattoos of legendary Prison Island bandit Ned Kelly "are more likely to die as [...]
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How to Shame Teenage Girls into Proper Prudeness
Slut-shaming, Australian PSA style! Prison Island's new PSAs against teen sexting relies entirely on convincing teen girls that they'll be ashamed for sending someone "intimate" pictures of themselves. Because of course society's totally innate values of guys being cads and girls being gossips are A-okay and just the way things are.
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Australia's Frothy Waters Cause Concern
To Prison Island, where spoilsport smartypants are trying to suck all the joy out of the only nonviolent activity to bring the natives pleasure: "A toxicologist has warned against frolicking in the smelly brown foam blanketing Sunshine Coast beaches as hidden dangers lurk within. University of Queensland Associate Professor Barry Noller said residents should steer clear of the foam whipped up by strong winds off the foreshore for fears it may be poisonous and containing pollutants, toxins and sewage." To which Australians [...]
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Bug Big, Alive
Whether or not you choose to watch all six minutes of this video of a Lord Howe Island walking stick hatching from its egg (I did, twice… though I wish it had Galaxie 500's "Another Day" as its soundtrack), please read the story of how the egg came to be at the Melbourne Zoo in the first place. It's incredibly exciting! Almost six inches long, with thick exoskeletons that can bring their weight to 25 grams, Lord Howe Island walking sticks, or "tree lobsters" as they're sometimes called, are the heaviest non-flying insects in the world. They live together in mated pairs and when they sleep, [...]
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Sport of Tennis Permanently Concluded
Over the weekend in the far-off and forgotten colony of Australia, a long-standing problem in athletics was finally solved! Tennis, a thorny question that first began plaguing the English in the 19th century, is now complete, with the conclusion of a record five-hour-and-53-minute match to end the Australian Open. Ecstatic with their work, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic pretty much nearly barfed during the trophy ceremony. (Nadal actually sat on the net; Djokovic was pretty much face-to-knees; finally, two little convicts scurried onto the court with chairs for the pair.)
We expect word later today from the upcoming Sony Ericsson and then the U.S. Open about their cancellations, [...]
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The Disappearance Of Harold Holt
I have an odd fascination with the Prime Ministers of Australia. From Gough Whitlam, the only officeholder to be dismissed by the representative of the British (and, I suppose, Australian) crown, to Paul Keating, who proved that being super foulmouthed is not enough to guarantee your reelection on Prison Island, there are any number of fairly interesting stories. But it's tough to top that of Harold Holt, the man who went for a swim and never came back.
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Conching: The Latest Craze Sweeping Australian Dolphins
Are you up on "conching?" It's like "planking" or "horse maning" except that it's done by dolphins instead of humans, and instead of being done solely for the purposes of display and photography (though it does make for some cool pictures) it also apparently helps the dolphins eat. It goes like this: dolphins trap small fish inside empty conch shells, and then bring the conch shells up to the surface of the water, and tip the fish into their mouths. Like we do with a pack of M&M's. But they use their beaks, instead of their hands. This behavior has been witnessed at least [...]
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Australia's War On Camels
"We're a nation of innovators and we find innovative solutions to our challenges. This is just a classic example." —Tim Moore, managing director of Australia's Northwest Carbon, touts a plan "to kill all the wild camels that roam the outback as part of its contribution to fighting global warming. The 1.2 million camels, considered pests by farmers and conservationists, each produce a methane equivalent of one ton of carbon dioxide a year."
