Posts Tagged: Alan Hanson
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Against 'Alan'

People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask. In this edition, writer Alan Hanson tells us more about why the name Alan is terrible.

my dad is getting mad at me for shitting on his middle name pic.twitter.com/7DMAgcPOXm

— Swizz Keats (@iluvbutts247) June 9, 2014

Alan! So what happened here?

I was on my lunch break and texting my dad when that thought crossed my mind, definitely not for the first time. My dad’s name is Kirby Alan Hanson, so that’s where my name comes from, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t any deeper connection to [...]

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The Seven Millennial Varieties Of Modern Humanoids

If you’re anything like me—a neon-blooded selfie-taking party slug with an APPetite for Disruption and Media Diets—you’re probably flailing in an ever-spinning maelstrom of opening and closing tabs, like, all the goddamn time. (While also struggling to maintain the appearance of being human!) One oft-encountered problem we NetLords run into as the tabs careen into our fat faces with a squawking, Hitchcockian fury, is whether or not we fall into the wide chasm of the term “millennial.” It’s a classification as broad as fellow alien Metta World Peace’s shoulders—Certified Journalists have calculated the birth year of millennials to fall anywhere between 1980 and 2000. So where on this fabricated, [...]

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What Happened This Week? Funeral Selfies, Sky Ferreira, Speedy Ortiz, Halloween

Funeral Selfies What a fine time to be alive! Quick rundown on ME: I’m a fun loving radical anarchist who stops for garage sales, goes all in for allspice, and enjoys a low-cal beer bong. I’ve got feet for hands and my hobbies include Godzilla, being ~cheeky~, and totally breaking down barriers, whether they be social, cultural, political, or literal barriers at concerts, sporting events, Thanksgiving Day parades et. al, because CAN'T TELL ME NOTHIN and also HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER. Whip the lambo when drunk but still got love for PETA. You see, we out here, and we are the change we want to see in the [...]

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What Happened: Lorde, "SNL," The Shutdown, A Facebook Status, This Charming Backpack

Sharon Curts’ Facebook status claiming she has “OCD: Obsessive Christmas Disorder” Sure it’s barely October and sure thirty thousand fake-friends of mine would designate this passing acquaintance as “basic” and fifteen north of Sac might even say “hella basic bruh” but in between the IDGAF and the “post as anonymous” and the blue-white silent screams of “this over that” I can’t help but mirth the fuck up and cinnamon my bristle to calm the cuss in my mouth and say Sharon if you love Christmas that much that you’re getting hard three months out then praise be to your heart and your love wherever it may fall and fall [...]

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Four Fresh Lifehacks

Lifehacks, I know, I know. Our wonderful Gooptopian society just loves ‘em now that they come in free, easy-to-digest, pixel lists instead of being cathode-beamed into your sad soul at three in the morning in their previous form (infomercials). Wasn’t that such a hollow, deadening crush? But the thing is, most of them are so pointless or unneeded that you have to go twenty minutes out of your way just to save five seconds! You’re probably saying, “Man, I feel you” into your computer screen and here I am smugly nodding like, “right?” Then we go back and forth for a while talking about how mason jars are “fine, like [...]

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The Five Most Important Things This Week

Veterans Day

Double-dripped from generations above we Hansons were military men until Me With My Many Feelings destroyed the line. You see, Papa was a California dream-machine with brass curls but he flipped his coin for the US Army to save our family. His brother followed in double-time. Grandpa hugged missile silos in Alaska during Korea and there’s rumor someone before him rode rough with Ol’ Theodore. Both my mothers’ fathers were pilots and both died before the Internet—one in Vietnam, the other with cancerous lungs. And it’s knuckle-hard to disagree while beaming respect but that’s the blood they bought for me, to be whiny problematic conflicting dodging and downright [...]

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What Happened: Katy Perry, Balthus At The Met, Arcade Fire, "Chasing New Jersey"

Katy Perry’s PRISM This album is a nearly perfect pop album if you happen to be a Katy Perry fan. If not, I don’t know what to tell you. I like her. I like her enthusiasm. I like most of her songs, I like the way she looks and I like the sound of her voice. What else do you need in a pop star? Though I have a feeling this album is a bit of a “something for everybody” type recording, especially as it’s a bit too long, and fans of hers will have varying likes and dislikes (“Walking On Air” sucks! It sucks so hard!). It’s [...]

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Spam Dad

NO COST ACCESS TO SLUTS IN YOUR AREA

Whats up Alanhanson09, my son–

What if I told you, you could get any girls you wanted to fuck, right now, in your area? I guess you would doubt that, but fact is, everyone no matter what you are, how old or young, how much money you can make, CAN…haha really! I mean, i COULD, but I guess the SEVENTIES were a bit different, you and I

      you and I? we are pretty similar, i have a $10,000 business offer i want to share with you my business. See, I own a business by age 25, actually, what have you done by [...]

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A Week So Bad That An Actual Superhero Had To Come Save Us From It And Ourselves

Do you remember what happened this week?

Beyoncé

I’m not necessarily in the Beysus congregation but I sure as debt don’t knock it, either. When our beloved 'net is doubled over in self-fondling and editorial side stares during the slime-time of year called My Ranking Of Niche Garbage Ranks Higher Than Yrs, it’s gorgeous to see a Member of Modern Camelot release quality you can count on that spreads happiness and excitement throughout my visible spectrum. Tear up all your lists! Joy to the world, the Bey is come.

Golden Globe Nominations

Knives out! Award season is upon us, let the parade of faces begin! Good faces, [...]

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What Happened This Week?

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

Every time I am silent or seemingly thinking or chewing or barely breathing and unoccupied what I’m really doing is praying fervently that our country devotes itself to dendrolatry and muck our polished patellae in a worshipper’s kneel unto Trees. And where does the Holiday Axe factor into this religion? I’ve always felt like Woolf’s Septimus, felt that they “beckoned; leaves were alive; trees were alive. And the leaves being connected by millions of fibres with [my] own body….” So this morning as the vile Vargoshe family hauled the cut carcass of a 12-ton Norway spruce like a bloodied buck on the roof of [...]

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What Happened: "Gravity," Beer, Death Cab For Cutie, Throwback Thursday

Gravity (film) I’ve been cigarette-free for forty frustrating days and I still can’t hold my breath as long as the Movie Stars do on screen, a gargantuan screen, a screen the size of Forest Lawn Memorial Park, here at the “only real IMAX theater in the city” a friend has told me, and I’m not sure what he means but I believe him because he’s the kind of guy who knows about these things and has strong convictions about movies, a trait that I admire greatly. I’m out of calm-downers and I’m measuring my lung capacity every three minutes and gasping like a kid again. You see, that’s [...]

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The Top 5 iOS7 Ringtones

5. Constellation

It is twilight. You are living inside of a prism beam. You are slowly falling through a prism beam without worry and with a satiated stomach. All of your childhood pets are running toward you in slow motion and they are hungry for your love. Your favorite blanket is playing your favorite instrument on a bed of newly fallen autumn leaves. Insects do not exist and yet, the ecosystem remains beautifully balanced. Your boss who respects you very much enters your line of vision and unrolls a long scroll. She reads from the scroll. She reads all of your favorite words, slowly, then disintegrates and is [...]