I recently experienced a stunning revelation about the aging process that, as is the case with any worthwhile realization, caused me to fully reevaluate a firmly-held conviction and ultimately made me a wiser, more sympathetic person to all those for whom it has occurred. Anyway, for a long time I was completely convinced that people became "old" when their fear of new developments and technologies outweighed the innate curiosity and excitement we tend to feel when introduced to something of which we have been previously ignorant. In this conception aging is not so much a function of chronology or exhaustion as it is a result of uneasiness or discomfort [...]
43. Aching feet 42. Failing eyesight 41. Everything taking at least ten minutes longer than you planned 40. Frequent late-night urination 39. Cracking sound each time you stand up 38. Ear hair 37. Nose hair 36. Head hair (in sink/shower) 35. "Sorry, I couldn't hear you." 34. "Just resting my eyes." 33. Unreliable memory 33. Ultra-reliable memory (i.e. increasingly frequent and vivid memories of things you've long since forgotten rushing in at inappropriate times)
Natasha: Okay, what did you think of Techno Roman Madonna and her 13th legion last night?
Julie: Well, to me, Madonna is like the Catholic Church or Penn State. I’ll defend anything she does, even when she's guilty. I’m loyal to the institution.
Natasha: What did you think of her football fruits?
Julie: I thought they were great.
Natasha: DON'T LIE!!
Julie: I thought she should have worn different shoes.
Natasha: This is like when the Catholic Church or Penn State blamed a sex abuse scandal on a couple bad apples!
Julie: The medley was tight, the concepts were good, it looked great and I'd say she sounded [...]
As I’ve been watching the NBA playoffs this spring, I’ve reached an unhappy milestone: I’m now old enough to dread learning the birthdates of professional athletes.
When I was a kid, the only pertinent piece of data about a player was his height. That Spud Webb could dunk despite being 5' 7"; that Michael Jordan was a palindromic, Greek-God-like 6’ 6"; these were the things that seemed to me worth knowing. I would no more have thought of the age of a basketball player than I would have thought of the age of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
But when I watch games now, a message flashes across my [...]
Slate claims that no one wants to be a dentist anymore, and that everyone hates them because of the movies. (There may be some truth in that! But I think people hated them first. Mostly people hate them because people hate dental work and are suspect of anyone who would do it all day!) Says Slate: "during the 20th century's final decades, a dwindling number of Americans chose to become dentists. In the early 1980s, U.S. dental schools produced about 5,750 new graduates per year. In 2007, with a population that's nearly one-third larger, there were about 4,700." And that: "In 1980, the United States had 60 dental schools; [...]
"Miss Li says she has no plans to tone down her look as she gets older and plans to mature gracefully into a middle-aged doll."
As soon as I noticed I was going bald, I took the only sensible action and shaved my head. How could I not? Growing up, I grimaced at the sight of my father’s ill-advised comb over. I swore I would not make the same mistake. I love the man dearly, but I'm scarred by the image of his few scraggly hairs flopping in the wind like a dying fish. I always wondered who my dad thought he was fooling. It’s not as if anyone would look at him and think he had a full head of hair. Eventually he let go and got a buzz cut—only because of an insistent [...]
"RainbowVision has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, wracked by financial problems and an increasingly bitter dispute between its residents and management. Its problems mirror those of many other gay retirement communities around the country that have either failed to open or fallen on hard times, victims of a weakened housing market, a deflated economy and, in some cases, poor business decisions." —Ugh, now we're all just going to die on the streets, with all our cats and cute furniture, while you straight people have all the resentful children to barely support you in your older years.
Are you a subscriber to The Tobolowsky Files? The podcast, a project of actor Stephen Tobolowsky-the youngs will know him as Sandy Ryerson on "Glee" and from "Heroes" and the olds will know him from films as diverse as Groundhog Day, Thelma and Louise and Basic Instinct-with David Chen at Slashfilm, just put out its 38th episode. Writing here, he previously discussed Memento and the thrill of trying out for characters named "Masochistic Gay Man"-today he writes about the adventures of time and the waiting room.
I got an audition with one day's notice for "Californication," a comedy on Showtime staring David Duchovny. There was no [...]
"2009 is shaping up to be the year of the Grown-Ass Man, says New York's Josh Eels, discussing the notion of the middle-aged rap star. With a host of still-viable MCs approaching 40 (and, considering the showbiz tradition of shaving years off bios, it's safe to assume that some of them are already past the mark), the piece looks at the different tactics they employ to try to remain relevant. Jay-Z, of course, gets top billing. But as is so often the case, Ghostface Killah steals the show. "I wanted to take it to a more mature level," says the 37-year-old Wu-Tang Clansman, who's forthcoming album, The Wizard of [...]
I’m a woman who will soon be 30. I am terrified of watching my physical beauty deteriorate over the next decade.
I’m conventionally attractive. I don’t believe that being pretty translates to any tangible social power, but I do get positive attention from people, which I enjoy. I love being gazed at. I don’t mean street harassment or anything like that, but the way that people (of all genders) get these dreamy, enraptured looks on their faces when they see me. I think beauty has some magical quality to it, and it makes me feel alive. When I look at myself, too, I sometimes get the same sensation [...]
I in no way intend to diminish the burdens of holding the most powerful position in the world, because clearly time takes its toll on the inhabitants of the office, but take a look at a picture of yourself from four or more years ago. You're not exactly going gracefully, are you?
I was jogging by the East River this morning, listening to David Comes to Life, the new album by the Toronto rock band called Fucked Up, marveling at how awesome it is, how the drumming is like a stampede of wild horses, and how well the band's guitarists (there are three of them, like Molly Hatchet) hone and manipulate these giant waves of feedback and distortion, thinking that the sound reminds me more of Husker Du than anything I've heard since Husker Du, and that, if these guys had come out when I was in college, I would have probably wanted to tattoo some sort of sworn allegiance to [...]
Good news for those of you who are still getting carded: "People who look young for their age enjoy a longer life than those who look older than their years, according to a study of twins." The study focused on "perceived age," and over a seven-year period, researchers found that the twins who were thought to look older than their siblings were more likely to die first. I have been subject to terrible stress acne over the last year or so, which I'm going to assume makes me look like a teenager and is further proof that I will never die.