Posts Tagged: 2012

2012 Predictions: Charting The Year Ahead


Get Ready for 2012! The Last Calendar You'll Ever Need

The last calendar you'll ever buy should be a great one! Cabinet's pretty "The Last Calendar" documents throughout 2012 all the many dates in history when the world was and is proclaimed to end. Just $15! How can you not?


Run, Rudy, Run! An Editorial

Nothing would be better for our nation than to have America's Mayor™, Rudy Giuliani, throwing his hat in the ring for the Presidency for next year's election. He brings a major benefit to any serious political moment: the principle of chaos. His proximity to any political race, in fact, brings a mad destabilizing power. In New Hampshire in January of 2008, Rudy flew in to take 9% of the Republican primary vote, narrowly beating Ron Paul. (It should also be remembered that John Edwards nearly got twice that, in the Democratic vote.) The Gulianimentum threw everything into disorder, from the moment he arrived, flanked endlessly by state troopers. It [...]


Is Your 2012 Mitigation Shelter Nearly Done?

"As a specific Threat Event, the anticipated catastrophic effects resulting from 2012 are far greater than the anticipated effects from WMD's, anarchy, climate change or any of the other specific Threat Events for which we have developed mitigation designs." Anarchy: it's a specific Threat Event now! But fear not: Hardened Structures Hardened Shelters LLC is here to help in the next two years and 8 months or whatever! The trickiest thing about your 2012 Mitigation Shelter is that no one yet knows what exactly what we're hunkering down about, but we'll find out! (Unless we're in a shelter.) As the builders point out: "While the shelter will be designed [...]


Flicked Off: '2012' is Awesome and Haters Can Suck It

You know who I love? I love anyone who hated this movie because I would like to fight them to the death for being wrong as balls. Fuckouttahere. I wanna be on the 2012 thrill park ride, playing 2012 on my Nintendo DS, eating the 2012-branded chocotaco and watching this movie at the same time because I am greedy for this brand of INCREDIBLEBANANASINCREDIBLE. Everyone who says otherwise may as well have written their reviews on their faces in marker because they are obviously batshit crazy and should be ignored. Seriously, will somebody tell me what people expected other than 158 minutes of apocalypse BUKKAKE? Roland Emmerich knows how [...]


New Trailer For '2012'

I am going to see the LIVING SHIT out of this insanely stupid awesome movie!


The Books of 2012

The forthcoming big books of 2012 include Katherine Boo, with, at last, that nonfiction book (the blurbs are wild!) and Marilynne Robinson—though with essays, not, of course, a new novel. There are a couple of other solid books on the docket, but honestly? 2012 seems a little light in the publishing loafers, compared to 2011: it looks like a line-up of serious but not particularly exciting 2nd and 4th novels and also lots of posthumous archive-wrangling. The upside of the list from this side of the year: maybe the best books of 2012 will be unexpected, all surprises and weirdo first novels and translations!


2012 Republican Frontrunner Mounts Kenyan Disinfo Program

“If you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather." 2012 Republican presidential candidate frontrunner Mike Huckabee! He wants to see Obama's birth certificate!


Why Chris Christie Will Not Run (Or Jog) For President in 2012

I'm going to need a job, David, after 2013, you know? And so whether it's going to be being governor of New Jersey or doing something else, I have four kids between 7 and 17—I'm working the rest of my life anyway. So it's going to be doing something, David, so maybe it'll be that. Who knows? – Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), Meet The Press, 7 November 2010.

I love it when millionaires pretend they have Ordinary People problems. The implication is that Chris Christie is just another Jersey working stiff, sweating it out in the streets of a runaway American dream. The Kevin James of governors.


David Cho: Sarah Palin and Destructive Internet Browsing

Last night, Sarah Palin was on The O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly to promote her book Going Rogue, telling the story-if you hadn't heard-of how she was forced to often "go rogue" (do you see what she did there?) while on the McCain ticket in the 2008 Presidential election. Unfortunately I didn't get to see the interview on TV (Don't worry Bill! I'm not a Nielsen household), but caught the whole thing on YouTube. Unfortunately, when you see one Sarah Palin interview on YouTube, they give you the option to watch many, many, many more related Sarah Palin interviews and then, two hours later, you pull yourself away from your [...]


French People Are The New Japanese People

Just in case you were in any danger of getting behind the wheel of a Renault on purpose, you can happily scrub all such crazytalk from your head. The French have invented the Zoe Z.E. which is presently being swanned about at the European autoshows and will begin production in 2012. This is just in time to make absolutely sure that whatever detritus the next civilization finds of us will compel them shake their heads with mirth and also pity. Because this voiture electrique is a motherfucking spa car.


"New Evidence the World Will End in 2012?"

Our friends at WorldNetDaily have a real winner in today's email blast! Here is my favorite part: "Tom Horn says from deepest antiquity, a plot involving pagan sun-worshippers, America's Founding Fathers, Masons and Freemasons has apparently been in the works, culminating in the end time with the return or resurrection of an evil, supernatural being. That character may actually be pictured as the all-seeing eye on top of the uncapped pyramid on the Great Seal of the United States, found on the back of a $1 bill." Are you upset that he didn't mention Hitler yet? GOOD NEWS. Says our author: "It's very easy to take extraordinary circumstances to [...]


CPAC: The Big Gay Careerist Conservative Future

You could have attended all of the speeches by the 15 or so potential presidential candidates who appeared at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference and only had the slightest notion that anything of note was happening in Egypt. The young conservatives gathered there have their own leaderless revolution to foment. The long-time president of the American Conservative Union, which sponsors CPAC, stepped down the day before the conference began to become the head of the National Rifle Association. And the CPAC Straw Poll, the first of many basically meaningless contests for all those 2012 Republican hopefuls, gave attendees a baffling array of candidates to choose from. There was [...]


2012 London Olympics Mascot Announced: Artist's Rendering!

We already knew that London's Olympic Stadium would be literally made of knives. Now the London 2012 chairman Sebastian Coe has hinted at the identity of the mascots for these coming Olympics: they will be "made of steel" and they will be "aimed at children." Oh dear. Let's take a look at the proposed designs for the stadium and the mascot!


'2012': I am going to watch this shit four times this weekend!

The critics* agree! "Is 2012 art? Absolutely not. It reminds us that cinema exists not only to make art but also to expertly create sensation like no other medium. When done well, that can be just as valuable and just as astonishing. But is 2012 a sublime example of the kind of huge-budget entertainment that Hollywood does best-indeed, the only kind of moviemaking at which Hollywood continues to excel? Yes. It is certainly the best movie of its kind ever made." (*NB: the only two critics that matter.)


Massive Carnage-Death-Porn From '2012' Unleashed on TV

Late last night, this "scene" from the forthcoming 2012 was force-fed into 90% of American TV sets that were tuned to ad-supported networks. This murder-death-kill fiesta featured tens of thousands of deaths-perhaps even hundreds of thousands-and thereby exponentially increasing the amount of killing that one sees on TV each year. Also it was kind of fucking awesome, in that one way, where you wonder, am I getting stupider along with the culture? Maybe I am. And is it fun being stupider? Hmm, maybe?