From The Archives
31

Things Chris Jones Wished Women Treated His Semen Like

"Most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid." —Chris Jones, Esquire.

20) Fire Jolly Ranchers

19) Arby's Jamocha Shake

18) Soft-Boiled Egg

17) Melted Toffifay Candy

16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer

15) Grape Snow Cone

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0

The Curious Case of 'The Curious Case of Sidd Finch'

The notion of a significant portion of a magazine's readership buying a very obviously fabricated story, on April Fools' Day, no less, is so antiquated that the idea itself is practically unbelievable.

But it was only a little more than a quarter century ago that our country's pre-eminent sports publication and sportswriter teamed up to craft what would go on to become the Museum Of Hoaxes second greatest April Fools' Day Hoaxes of all time, and serve as a cultural time capsule of America before the Internet.

By the time Sports Illustrated ran George Plimpton's the Curious Case of Sidd Finch, a 15-page bio of an unknown [...]

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15

How To Make Kentucky Beer Cheese For Your Final Four Party

Tomorrow night, when Kentucky plays Louisville in the Final Four, I'll be sitting on my couch in Brooklyn, and filled with the anticipatory feelings of a person who, born in Lexington and brought up to listen to what his grandmother tells him to do, eschewed smart bracketology to pick the Wildcats to go all the way. And I'll be eating beer cheese, a Kentucky specialty, with crackers and chips. It's a simple spread, and ridiculously easy to make, and I invite you to prepare some too, because even if you aren’t rooting for the 'Cats, or don’t care a thing about basketball, beer cheese is delicious—second only to [...]

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14

Remembering Harry Crews

In his fiction and in his life, Harry Crews empathized most with the people who needed it most: the freaks, the fuck-ups, people who’d been broken by loss of one kind or another. Crews died on Wednesday, at age 76. As his son Byron told The Daily’s Claire Howorth, “[he] put more miles on the Chevy than most of us.”

Crews lost his father, a man he didn't remember, to a heart attack at the age of two. "It wasn't unusual for him to fall in the field," Crews wrote in A Childhood, to lie incapacitated on the ground for an hour or so, and then slowly pull himself [...]

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6

Twelve Songs About Trying To Predict The Future As We Wait For The Supreme Court To Reach A Decision

"As I said, we don’t know how this will go. But it’s hard not to feel a sense of foreboding—and to worry that the nation’s already badly damaged faith in the Supreme Court’s ability to stand above politics is about to take another severe hit." —Paul Krugman is his good, gloomy, all-too-probably right self today. And while we all play seer and try to figure out just what justice Kennedy might be thinking, here are ten great songs (and one just so-so song, and one really dreadfully terrible song) about trying to see into the future, and the futility, usually, of trying to do so.

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0

Ambition, Defined

Two friends of mine moved to Qingdao, China, a few weeks ago to teach. The school gave them an apartment, where they discovered a notebook with this list on the first page and nothing else. The previous occupant, a woman, had been teaching at the school but had left abruptly a couple of weeks earlier. (Proper nouns have been changed.)

2011 – 2012

-Get married to Guillaume.

-Build and sell Emerging Market Strategies LLC.

-Become fluent in Chinese, French, German, Portuguese.

-Maintain a youthful, gorgeous appearance.

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2

The 254-Year-Old Quartet, "Get Back"

Here are Paul McCartney, Ronnie Wood, Roger Daltrey and Paul Weller—who, at a sprightly 53, totally skews the average age of the group—performing a 43-year-old song last night in London. Not bad, for old people. [Via]

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3

Dinosaurs Didn't Explode

Sadly, Exploding Dinosaur Theory turns out to be impossible. But it would still be a good name for a band.

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13

The Frightening Politics Of Hungary's House Of Terror

The House of Terror opened in 2002. Since then, it's become one of the most popular tourist destinations in Budapest. It’s a museum, and it presents the last sixty years of Hungarian history through a mix of exhibits and multimedia displays. It’s also a memorial, dedicated to “the victims of both the Nazi and the Communist terror.” The building that houses it, an elegant 19th century villa, was once the headquarters of both the Arrow Cross, the Hungarian Fascist Party, which ruled Hungary for a few bloody months in 1944, and of the Communist Secret Police, up until the 1956 revolution. Thanks to the building’s history and to the dungeons [...]

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2

Another Idea For Opportunistic Etch A Sketch Marketing Campaign

"I expected it to go away like everything else in the news cycle. We had all kinds of headlines, but we wanted to steer the direction of the conversation in a little bit more of a positive direction.” —Ohio Art Company president and CEO Larry Killgallon discusses a new ad campaign designed to take advantage of a Mitt Romney's advisor's remarks that his candidate's positions were "almost like an Etch A Sketch." I would have thought Killgallon was right in his original expectation. I mean, the product in the news now is Skittles, right? But, who knows, maybe this thing's really got legs. Either way, [...]

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2

MC Hammer Is 50

Stanley Kirk Burrell turns 50 today. Where did the time go?

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8

Yam Pedestrian

Here you will find a photo of a yam that looks like a foot.

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13

The Five Nuttiest Things Mike Bloomberg Said Today So Far

"I live in one place" says @MikeBloomberg, who owns homes in London, Bermuda, Vail, Westchester, Hamptons, and Upper East Side.

— Mike Grynbaum (@grynbaum) March 30, 2012

Big day for Mayor Mike, shooting his mouth and/or foot off. Charming or wacky? Scary or fun? It's so hard to decide with him.

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11

Goodbye Canadian Penny

Canada is ditching the penny. Here is possibly the most Canadian sentence ever: "The budget urges Canadians to donate their pennies to charities — or even throw more into the wishing fountain." [Related]

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8

How Greg Smith's Book Will Make Hachette Back Its $1.5 Million

Like it will ever earn out. RT @PublishersWkly Grand Central pays $1.5 million for Greg Smith's Goldman Sachs tell-all nyp.st/HoDSEl

— Sarah Weinman (@sarahw) March 30, 2012

Haha, right? Just kidding! Not gonna happen.

So yes: Greg Smith changes careers, from one system of fleecing people to another! Publishing and investment banking have a lot in common in their machinations actually. Just that in publishing, only eight people get rich. And you gotta move a lot of merch to get that $1.5 million back. But don't worry about Hachette's Grand Central; they've got David Baldacci and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter to [...]

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37

Authentic (Possibly Racist) Natchez Cheese Grits Casserole

And thus concludes this series of our favorite casserole recipes. If you make what follows and eat it all, just go ahead and call 911 beforehand. To your health!

On June 11, 1957, Mr. J. Balfour Miller won a contest to name the Natchez, Mississippi, Hospital. His winning entry was "The Jefferson Davis Memorial Hospital." That name was… later changed. But not until 1993!

His wife, Katherine Miller, founded the Natchez Pilgrimage in 1931. Despite its slightly frightening title, this merely meant that the local ladies would open up their houses for tours, and people would go bopping about, peering into linen closets. That it was 1931 was [...]

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0

What I Learned From 'Loveline'

If you grew up in the mid to late ‘90s, you probably listened to Loveline, a brilliantly conceived radio show for young people to call in with their sex and relationship problems. I’m jealous of you. Somehow, I missed it. I was mysteriously, tragically deprived of the sage, poignant advice of Dr. Drew Pinsky and his comedian co-host Adam Carolla to help guide me through the conflicting desires and general emotional turmoil of my adolescence.

Those of you who know Carolla only from his work on the critically unacclaimed Man Show, or, God forbid, Dancing With the Stars, may have difficulty believing that, on Loveline, the man was clutching-your-stomach-from-laughter-induced-pain [...]

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2

A Poem By Helen Vitoria

je ne sais pas mon nom

strange, the feel of walking & drumming the syntax of animal husbandry that man—who eats zippers & erases the lark Helen Vitoria is the author of six chapbooks and the forthcoming Corn Exchange (Scrambler Books). She the editor-in-chief of THRUSH.

Why not visit The Poetry Section's archive? I mean, unless you hate poetry or something.

You may contact the editor at poems@theawl.com.

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0

Juicy J: Proud, Even Radical, Shorts Advocate

"I'm gettin' money ballin'/But never played sports/I'm so hot, in the winter/I can wear shorts…" —Juicy J weighs in on the great shorts debate. Having found his low-tech rhyme style (which often doesn't much rhyme at all) particularly at home with the thwomping, orchestral Lex Luger sound that has taken over the southern side of the genre over the past year, the 35-year-old Three 6 Mafia rapper is on a hot streak. He signed with Wiz Khalifa's Taylor Gang Records in December, and declared himself the game's "No. 1 Get-High Rapper." And while there's lots of good stuff on his latest mixtape, Blue Dream and [...]

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13

New Military Robots Specially Designed To Give You Nightmares

"Three of the U.S. military's newest recruits reported for duty this week at the Army Test and Evaluation Command. These troops are different from normal soldiers in several ways—for starters, each has six feet. And they are robots designed to look and move like cockroaches." —Sometimes it seems like DARPA and Boston Robotics are just fucking with us, doesn't it? They've made a flea robot, too. I can't wait for the bedbug one.

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