Monday, May 31, 2010
Enjoy Your Day of Memorials, Everyone
Happy Memorial Day from Nancy Pelosi and Joint Chiefs of Staff honcho Mike Mullen! How will you observe this day? By getting crunk and sunburned in the back yard with your homies? Or by gazing terrified into the yawning horrible future that we have made for ourselves? Choose wisely-and do let us know. Also? As great as that is, there is by far a stronger competitor for best picture of the weekend. READ MORE
Negroni Season
It's been a long time since we've heard one of Evelyn Everlady's horrifying true stories about The Worst Boyfriend in the World. So before we leave you for the long weekend, and to wrap up our welcome to summer series, she's baaaaack. Why? Because now it is Negroni Season. Think of this as a reminder to drink and date responsibly this weekend.
It was the spring of 2005 and I was living with the man that I, a bit stubbornly perhaps, had decided was the love of my life. The thing about choosing to live with a rapidly-approaching-bottom alcoholic is that there are just so many ways to distort reality and find seemingly logical explanations to make your slowly spiraling out of control life look and feel somewhat reasonable (just ask Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse!). This is true even though you aren't the one who is drunk all the time. READ MORE
The Brian Hansen Poolhouse
Summer is creeping ever closer. In fact, here it comes! But first, a look back.
Back when crispy M&Ms were still in stores I used to lifeguard at the pool down the block from us. Most summer days the pool would get packed, and the only catch to swimming in it was that beforehand you'd have to flash your Town of Cheektowaga resident ID card to the attendants working at the front entrance. Cheektowaga is a blue-collar town just to Buffalo's east, comprised of people whose families lived on Buffalo's Eastside before black people moved there. READ MORE
Now You Should Put the Children Outside
In a couple of hours, summer unofficially begins, so should you take the kids to the mall, or the movies, or to the arcade? You are incorrect! And here's why.
You did what you could during the Virginia summer days to either sit by a pool or on a beach or avoid being outside altogether, and at night you reclined on the porch or in the yard and let whatever small breezes the night could strum up wash over you, cooling your sweat. Otherwise, you were inside all day and all night, cooled and even frozen by the artificial cold air that pumped through every building in town. The South is inhabitable because of air conditioning, so thanks be to it, but that doesn't mean I liked it. It made the divide between inside space and outside space stark, and rendered traveling between the two spaces painful. READ MORE
What To Drink When The Weather Gets Warm
Summer: it turns me upside down. Summer, summer, summer: it's like a merry-go-round. It was true for Ric Ocasek many years ago and it's true for the rest of us today, because Monday is Memorial Day, so here comes summer!
"Summering. Drinking. Summering and drinking. For the prep, the two words are synonymous from Memorial Day to Labor Day." -Tipsy in Madras
Summer drinking is a fantastically elaborate endeavor among the set that uses "summer" as a verb-there are drinks you drink at the club (Southsides), drinks you drink while getting ready for Saturday evening charity balls (known as "dressers," they can be whatever you fancy, usually a beer for men and for ladies something made with soda water), drinks you drink in the wee hours after the black tie is over, when the bar you went to afterwards has played "God Bless America" to signal last call, and you've all congregated at the home of whoever volunteered to host late-night (Jack & Ginger, and then later, when you've run out of ginger ale, Jack rocks). And then there's the drink you drink on a boat. READ MORE
"They abuse power as much as bankers do, and they make the average person feel insecure about themselves: ‘Why am I not Sarah Jessica Parker?' It gets very existential, because you first got into it because you were interested in these artists, but these folks are not artists, they're just famous."
-Joanna Molloy understands gossip folk. | May 28, 2010
Odd Man Rush: Jaro Halak & The Four Dwarfs
If you're expecting a traditional NHL Stanley Cup finals preview, the kind of rote sportswriting you can read at ESPN or The Hockey News, then I apologize ahead time for disappointing you. This post is going to be, mostly, a very fawning appreciation of my amazing 2010 Montreal Canadiens, a team I cursed at vociferously on the teevee the entire regular season. Read on about my Habs, Les Habitants, le Blue-Blanc-et-Rouge, Les Glorieux. And, o-kay, I will briefly give my thoughts on the finals match-up between the Philadelphia Flyers and the Chicago Blackhawks. READ MORE
Notes on 'Camp MTV'
Monday marks the unofficial beginning of summer. For Here Comes Summer, we asked folks to explain its magic. And is there anything more magical than appearing on TV?
"God gives each of us only what we can handle" was advice a lesbian bike messenger and Brussels Griffon owner gave me when I expressed guilt about our relative suffering. She had just shared with me a harrowing story about growing up poor in the South with a father who sexually abused her, following my own disclosure that I had a terrible time at sleep-away camp when I was ten. READ MORE
"I risk the President taking my comments personally, but they're not intended to be personal; my comments reflect what many others feel, and we just want to help him tackle this enormous spill problem."
-You think Sarah Palin chuckles when she signs her name to a line like this, or do you think it's a full-throated guffaw? I bet it's a big, bellowing laugh that they can hear in Russia. | May 28, 2010
Why Everyone Hates The New 'Sex and the City' Movie
As a mostly disinterested observer I've found the overwhelming backlash against the new Sex and the City movie to be somewhat surprising. After all, it's not as if there's any radical departure from the series' formula that fans might find upsetting: The show always trafficked in the most grotesque stereotypes of shallow femininity; what made it so culturally noteworthy was the willingness of women to not only buy into its overt misogyny but embrace it. Even the show's greatest detractors would grudgingly admit an odd fascination with it. And yet we seem to have reached a moment where a growing number of former fans find themselves disgusted with its underlying philosophy and aesthetic. What accounts for the sudden revulsion? READ MORE
"Why I like MIA more than almost any other political art is because it's possible not to see it as self-righteous. It's not expressing a view of the world that demands moral purity, but one that admits the complicated nature of political issues-even if Maya seems incapable of doing that on, say, her Twitter. (Though I still don't know how you can take the statements of someone who has worn pants that light up at face value, but whatever.)"
-Digging down regarding Maya and M.I.A.. | May 28, 2010
The Eurovision Finals: Brace Yourself For Feminnem and Hera Björk!
It's only the greatest television event in the entire world. Tomorrow, 25 awesome countries line up to answer the question "Who Is The Country That Most Excessively Performs Awful Synth Pop?" This is Sofia Nizharadze who is representing Georgia! This show makes "American Idol" look like GARBAGE. READ MORE
Mischievous Prankster Tragically Stuck In 2003
In a humorous escapade in central Wisconsin, someone managed to hack into the system which displays electronic roadside warnings. The hacker changed the warning message to "Danger, danger/high voltage/when we touch/when we kiss," a lyric from the rock group Electric Six. The spoof message caused much confusion among Wisconsin drivers, who were astounded to learn that, seven years after the fact, anyone still remembered the lyrics to an Electric Six song, let alone cared enough to put them on a highway sign.
The Incredible Disappearing and Reappearing Rikers Island
It's been a jail since 1932, but our ability to acknowledge Rikers Island on our subway maps has come and gone with the times. It's a strange omission-despite that, yes, the subway map is called the "subway map" and the only way to get to Rikers is by car or the Q101 or Q100 bus, which starts in Long Island City. But the subway map is, for some people, the only way they can find out how to get around New York City. Let's look at the magically disappearing Rikers on the maps from 1968 to 1998. READ MORE
Alleged Petty Crook Getting Better Price At Fancy Store Than You
Never, ever get arrested for thieving while awaiting trial for shoplifting. Andrew Parker (real last name Pollack!) did that this week, when he is said to have used someone else's Amex to get two Hermes bags for $11,595... Hey,$5797.50 each, after tax?? Why is he getting a better Hermes discount that me?
