What did your ass innovate today?

“’Socializing’ a cat that’s been living on the streets takes a tremendous amount of commitment, and many are beyond it — as Ludacris says, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife — and there are too many of them for the shelters to take in and let linger.”

by Awl Sponsors

You’re a clever sort, resourceful even. And like most of us, you have an old computer hanging about your place. We know those old computers are still good for something — they’re good for getting you a new one. Come up with the most creative line about your clunkers — computers from the ancient past.

1. Which do you find more exciting during a storm — the lightning or the thunder?

2. Would you be able to live alone if you were the last person on this earth?

3. If all of the possibilities were in place, would you eat the fish half of a mermaid?

4. Does violent punishment actually solve anything?

5. If you were to live in an isolated area, what would you want to have?

6. What is the shortest time you’ve gone from meeting someone to making up a story about having sex with them?

7. Do you tend to have many short-term relationships but never any meaningful long-term ones?

8. What is your favorite element?

9. What is the angriest you have made someone by performing a “harmless” prank?

10. How are your actions and their consequences related?

11. What is something you can do surprisingly well with your eyes closed or in the dark?

12. Are you not considered charming by many others?

13. Is it better to lie and be “fake” if it’s for a good cause?

14. Are you good at manipulating situations to your advantage?

15. Do you love anyone or anything even if it’s an animal?

16. What’s the answer to this question?

‘Ask Reddit’ questions: 1, 3, 4, 6, 9, 11, 13, 16

Sociopath Quiz questions: 2, 5, 7, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15

“To study the habits of designated drivers, researchers at the University of Florida in Gainesville went out into the field, spending six nights surveying bar-goers in an unnamed college town in the Southeast…. The researchers found that 40 percent of the designated drivers had been drinking. What’s more, 18 percent had blood alcohol levels of .05 percent or higher and 17 percent were between .02 and .049 percent.”

“On Saturday evening, after serious consideration, I decided to make a little act of protest about something that matters profoundly to me. Before any explanation of that gesture, I’d like to apologise unequivocally to Richard and Adam, the contestants whose performance I disrupted; I was planning to do it once the song finished, but I got a bit nervous and went slightly early. I sincerely apologise for overshadowing their moment and to anyone watching and in the live audience who felt that their evening’s entertainment was marred, or even ruined. However, I am not sorry for pelting Simon Cowell with eggs.

I have no desire to be famous and I’m not an attention seeker.”
 — Sometimes you have to sacrifice for the greater good.

“’Crazy’ ants on the march have a taste for everything from livestock to electrical equipment. They are so obnoxious that many residents yearn for the good old days when all they had to fight was red ants that are quickly being wiped out by the crazies. The tiny insect is called ‘crazy’ because the trail it leaves as it eats its way across the country is so erratic it appears the ants have tipped the bottle too many times. Scientists know it as Nylanderia fulva, but its commonly accepted name is ‘tawny crazy ant,’ formerly known as the raspberry crazy ant.”

“[S]everal sites are posting this trailer for Spook Central, which appears to be a feature-length study of Ghostbusters (yes, Ghostbusters) done in the same voice-over-and-clip style as Room 237. Are these theorists and their crazy notions legit — or is the whole thing an elaborate spoof of Room 237? What’s more, is this trailer the entire end game? It’s worth noting that there is no IMDb page for Spook Central, or even an official site; indeed, the only Google hits for ‘Ghostbusters Spook Central documentary’ are movie sites posting the trailer.”
 — This thing goes all the way to the top!

“The moonwalking Shetland pony who became a worldwide internet sensation has found himself at the centre of a paternity battle.”

“This is an outrage and should be outlawed. “