I know, I know, you were curious about the fatberg and desperate to know more. Guess what? WE HAVE VIDEO. In deference to those with more delicate sensibilities we’ll dump it after the jump, but if you arrived here via Twitter or some other source you are probably gagging already, in which case I would remind you to be careful about where you vomit, because you never know what clog it might contribute to. Anyway, dive down and enjoy.

“Roger would fuck a snake if you held it down.”
 — I cannot believe I have never heard someone with a compulsion to do sex described this way before. And I’m old! Anyway, what a terrific line.

“George Duke, the legendary jazz keyboardist, died on Monday, his publicist tells NPR. Duke’s career spanned five decades and he always straddled the line between disparate genres, collaborating with artists such as Miles Davis, Barry Manilow, Frank Zappa, George Clinton and some of Brazil’s top musicians.” Duke was 67.

So many books. So little time. Every day just brings more! Here’s a handy guide to help you choose which new books today you should buy. All of these books are available at your local independent bookseller, including fine establishments like McNally Jackson! Or anywhere else you might care to buy books! Let’s begin….

Can we interest you in a reported history of the colonialist construction of the “Middle East” that paved the road to endless instability and death?

Pamela Erens’ latest is a tale of two misfits at a fancy boarding school in 1979. The “heiress apparent” to James Salter, goes a blurb! This book sounds really beautiful.

A sexy, spicy history of America’s schmanciest publishing house, where everyone did everyone while publishing some of the great books of our time?

“Peyton Lockhart and her sisters have inherited Bishop’s Cove, a small, luxurious oceanfront resort, but it comes with a condition: The girls must run the resort for one year and show a profit — only then will they own it.”

Could you use more ways to become more emaciated whilst pretending to care about yourself?

Rob Sheffield’s latest sounds great: A semi-sequel of a memoir, about Learning To Love Again and also how to embarrass yourself by singing karaoke.

“The Hypothetical Girl is a collection of wonderfully written stories that are about the age-old desires for love, for recognition, for happiness but told through the thoroughly contemporary world of online dating.”

The sordid tale of a doped-up President, his wife, and the confessions of his affairs!

The ultimate biography of 23-year-old Robert Griffin III, of the Washington Redskins, by a very good writer?

Jeff Bezos’s chief correspondent in D.C. reminds us of the election wherein we all held hands and agreed to forget. Do you want to go back to that particular island?

Do you perhaps need a llama to help your child combat bullying?

The Surprise Attack of Jabba the Puppett: An Origami Yoda Book. (What.)

Picture it: October, 1990. A fellow goes to Prague. Life and love and friendship and complication ensue. “A sparkling first novel by the literary critic Caleb Crain about youth, ambition, and self-invention in early-90s Prague,” says Harper’s Bazaar “A compelling and heartfelt story that captures both the boundless enthusiasm and naïveté of youth,” says Booklist!

In my high school, there were almost 4000 students and four different lunch cafeterias. One was for the jocks. One was for the freshmen. One was for the eggheads. Then there was a cafeteria that was for all the rest of us: freaks, rejects, burnouts, immigrants and homos. If you somehow haven’t found a book yet above, this one’s for everyone that’s left over.

“Last week, officials at Thames Water removed a 30,000-pound lump of lard from a trunk line sewer beneath the London suburb of Kingston. It was the fattest fatberg ever recovered from the London sewers, and by extension, probably the largest subterranean grease clump in U.K. history.”
 — Read on, asswipes are involved.

M83, “Claudia Lewis”

“[I]f you simply insist on finding a mate who has the same highly specific allergy as you do (or is willing to date someone with celiac), there’s a new website called GlutenfreeSingles. At GlutenfreeSingles, ‘you never have to feel alone, awkward, or a burden because you are gluten-free,’ the site says.”

“Baba Brinkman, a ‘Canadian rap artist, writer, actor, and tree planter’ based in New York City is spearheading a jokey campaign with a serious point entitled “Don’t Sleep With Mean People.” The idea is exactly what it sounds like: Inspire people to intentionally avoid sleeping with jerks…. Brinkman hopes to do more than sexually frustrate mean people into changing their ways; he actually wants to prevent mean people from reproducing, which would change humanity for the better, he says…. But, some internet vigilantes aren’t too pleased. The idea has been attacked on all fronts: Isn’t this eugenics? Will the project actually teach people about evolution? Is there even scientific consensus that meanness is a genetic trait? [How are you going to get past the fact that mean people are fucking amazing in bed, like, the meaner they are the more orgasms you have and there’s plenty of Science to prove it? Mean people can make you come JUST BY BEING JERKS, and the bigger the jerk the longer release. What are you gonna do, not sleep with someone who is guaranteed to make you invoke the name of every major deity in the language of their first adherents just because they might not be super nice about your terrible choice of clothes? Did you ever notice that mean people happen to be really attractive? Why is that? It seems unfair that someone who is already great in bed and terrific to look at gets to be an asshole, but I guess I don’t make the rules?] Et cetera.”

“I like my women like I like my computers … exported from a sweatshop in china.”
 — Meet the sexist joke-writing computer.

Is your cup of tea making you FAT? If you are loading it up with sugar, then yes. Also, soda and alcohol? Full of calories. And bad for your teeth. Of course, I am probably wasting my time telling you this, because if you were unaware already I’m sure basic literacy is beyond your skill set. Anyway, SODA BAD. SUGAR MAKE TUMMY BIG. NOW KNOW.