“Because of an editing error, an article on Nov. 5 about a study of antibiotic-resistant E. coli bacteria found on samples of chicken sold in the New York area misstated one of its findings. The researchers reported that nearly twice as much of the bacteria was found on the kosher chicken as on conventionally raised birds, not that twice as many of the kosher samples tested positive for the bacteria.”

“[Y]ou may be surprised to learn that there’s no scientific evidence whatsoever to support the idea that alcohol makes you put on weight. That’s hugely counter-intuitive, I know, because alcohol certainly is said to contain lots of calories. But the curious fact remains that alcohol isn’t fattening. Here’s just some of the evidence.”
 — Now you could click through to see what this evidence says and decide for yourself whether or not Science writer Tony Edwards’ claim that alcohol is actually good for your health meets the kind of rigorous standards one might demand from such a remarkable assertion, or you could just decide that you’re going to take his word for it and the next time someone comes up to you and says, “Isn’t it possible that the reason you are an unattractive overweight slob whose life is in an irrevocable downward spiral and whose poor decisions and unresolved issues are no longer even within your control and whose mental health is deteriorating even more rapidly than your physical well-being might at the very least be something exacerbated by your troubling dependency on alcohol?” you can simply slur, “Nah, Science says it’s GOOD FOR ME!” The choice is yours! And we know how good you are with choices.

Photo by Jiri Miklo, via Shutterstock

“Libation’s EDM Brunch offered 7½ hours of electronic dance music with a side of eggs. Partygoers typically arrived in the early afternoon, some wearing glowstick-festooned headbands, sunglasses or bracelets, and by 2 p.m., tables around the club were littered with used napkins and half-finished mimosas. The breakfast burrito and fruit plate garnered rave reviews. Andi Cross and Lex Houser, the hosts of the party and the owners of Bad Kids Clothing, a line of EDM-inspired gear, danced and mingled with their guests. They hail from Philadelphia, a city with a less robust club scene. ‘This party is bananas,’ said Ms. Cross, wearing a foam banana suit. Standing behind her, Ms. Houser added, ‘Bananas on crack!’”

I was thinking about writing a dissertation on gentrification and race in Brooklyn but yesterday’s New York Times’ real estate section had this photo and caption on its front page so I guess it’s covered.

by Bobby Finger

50. Twisted Sister (H)

49. Tamar Braxton (H)

Lyric Legend:
M — “Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow” used
H — “Hang a shining star upon the highest bough” used
M/W — Both used

48. John Denver & The Muppets (H)

47. Christina Aguilera (H/M)

46. Jessica Simpson (H)

45. Michael Bolton (H)

44. Neil Diamond (H)

43. Joe (H)

42. Clay Aiken (H)

41. Kelly Clarkson (H)

40. John Travolta & Olivia Newton John (H)

39. Captain & Tennille (H)

38. Scott Weiland (M)

37. Sufjan Stevens (H)

36. Kermit the Frog (H)

35. Rosemary Clooney (H)

34. Kenny G (N/A)

33. Vince Gill (H)

32. The Jackson 5 (H)

31. She & Him (H)

30. Sandi Patty (H)

29. Martina McBride (H)

28. Toby Keith (H)

27. Rod Stewart (H/M)

26. Shawn Colvin (H)

25. Carly Simon (H)

24. Susan Boyle (M)

23. Patti LuPone (H)

22. Keyshia Cole (H)

21. Colbie Caillat (H)

20. Sarah McLachlan (H)

19. Whitney Houston (H)

18. Mannheim Steamroller (N/A)

17. Johnny Mathis (H)

16. Robert Goulet (H)

15. Doris Day (M)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIcAgX2e3CM

14. Luther Vandross (H)

13. Michael Buble (H)

12. Monica (H)

11. Christina Perri (H)

10. Bette Midler (H/M)

9. Aimee Mann (H)

8. James Taylor (M)

7. Bing Crosby (M/H)

6. Mel Torme (M/H)

5. Ella Fitzgerald (M)

4. Frank Sinatra (H)

3. Amy Grant (H)

2. The Carpenters (H)

1. Judy Garland (M)

Bobby Finger dares you.

★★★ The blue morning with decorative clouds looked inviting from the sickbed, in theory, but what got the body up and out was the sight of the clouds closing over in the afternoon, threatening to finish off the daylight early. Outside was not as bad as it could have been; veins of light were in the clouds, and the temperature was decent. In the time it took to walk to the store and halfway back, the remaining good points of the day had mostly worn off, the rising wind meeting the ebbing energy.

by Alan Hanson

Everyone was so riled up about culture this week that I had to drink a whole bottle of ACME Acid every morning just to cope with my pointless existence. What kind of bullshit did we jerk our jaws off for? Come, let me chew your food with my metal teeth and my dashing enzymes!

Selfies

Call me the Lizard Lord of Dooftopia and spank me silly with the atrocities of change! Shower me in selfies of varying qualities, poor lighting, and Vampiric Vanity! Listen, butterfly thinkers, the telegram didn’t cut us down and the telephone made us say I Love You more. Let visual communication of Self spread even more so. Each silly song posted to my personal blog, every review of every film I’ve seen, every week I write this column — these are selfies, barely disguised. And to the Magazines and the Movie Madonnas and the Billboard Babes and Buddies and Mr. Advertising, we proponents of the Selfie, we say Shove It! We say Look At You, Helpless And Losing All Power! Let us flood every bright surface with our own faces, our own chosen depictions, and forget every face you forced down our face-throats. We’re already enjoying it, already enjoying knowing what we look like, liking what we look like, rather than what we Should Look Like. Should can spin itself into a fist and pound sand while we’re going breathless non-stop gnawing these discussions. What a trend! This trend of over-talking the trends! Isn’t it exhausting being exhausted?

Lulu

Lots of Lulu talk this week! Thank god for the New York Times. Does classism go both ways? ’Cause boy howdy do I detest the success stories of the wealthy and their fun people-rating apps hatched at brunch and their fireworked Nights of Passion echoed across the Branson Islands and back. Isn’t it pretty objectively gross to rate Human Beings in any way? Isn’t part of dating figuring out these things about people on your own? If you’re so worried about going on a date with someone THAT YOU ALREADY WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH then you should check your local sex offender listings or REFINE YOUR SHITTY TASTE. Everything is so “best of” and “top ten” and “the worst this” and “in your 20s” can’t we all just BE for a little while? Leave some mystery? Date each other for dating’s sake? Don’t cut the exploration. Quit Yelping humanity.

Anyway, should men wear blazers with jeans? Hahahaha, I don’t give a fuck!

George Zimmerman

God fuck me in the solar plexus with a Titanium Dick each morning I flip my limping eyelids to another American Groundhog Day of armed clowns and earthquake parties. Somewhere a mother, baptized and thankful, forehead full of oil, is rubbing her delicate pads over his baby belly, his pouting brow, soothing and sweet, seeping warm words like “Georgie, my Georgie boy, my little George, my little Man, my Georgie Porgie sweetie pie, hush little G, little Georgina of Past, hush and sleep again, Cherub George.” That’s the kind of sad sock I can expect! But somewhere else, somewhere in this world, the tangible, existing one, there was a punk band named The Dicks and they were Mad Important for various reasons, one of which was being openly gay and singing about it in a punk band, which, unfortunately, was new! and brave! But on top of that, these beautiful Dicks from Texas wrote a nasty and wonderful song called “Dicks Hate The Police” which is basically a song about George Zimmerman but 33 years in advance. Or a song about men abusing their authority and using guns to make them feel like Big Men, so kind of the same thing! LOLOLOLOLOL. Oh man, it’s so fitting it fucking hurts! A lot!

Sexiest Man Alive: Adam Levine

OK what’s up with this am I right ladieeeeesssss? [crowd goes fucking wild] No but seriously I get it, I think, even though most every famous dude kind of looks the same? At least in this category of stubble and styled perma-wet hair? So that happened. And earlier this year ScarJo was named sexiest woman, again, and like, I get that, too. It’s just, for the first time I’m realizing that no one really cares that no one really looks like this but we all still want to talk about it? I can’t describe how it feels, but I know I don’t like it! I get the same feeling about Adam Levine that I do when I think about Justin Bieber these days, which is this: they would look at you hard in the eyes when they fingered you and be all like “yeah, you fucking like that?” and I think I understand why sometimes BAD and DIRTY and NAUGHTY are turn-ons but that doesn’t sound SEXY to me. Obviously, I’m not really qualified to comment on this for “real” but can men even be sexy? I’m not sure anymore! I definitely know I CAN NOT which is comforting and also kind of a bummer? Like, what’s it like? I think I’d care more about the privilege or just never having to try too hard at much else. You probably get to play tennis for free, like, all the time. Anyway, time to go look at some porn on the internet. Have a good shitty week!

Alan Hanson is a Californian writer living in Harlem.

by John Shankman

Over the next few weeks for a sponsored project on behalf of Byliner, The Billfold’s Mike Dang and our publisher John Shankman will be selecting stories from the Byliner platform and chatting about them.

John: hello my dear friend mike dang
how do you do?

Mike: John! One of my most favorite people! Hello
I’m good, how are you?

John: Why thank you good sir. Incredibly kind of you to say.
I’m well. Just on the ol’ “crushing it” grind, yk?

Mike: Always crushing it, John

John: cant stop, wont stop
UNLESS THERE IS A GREAT ARTICLE TO READ
which brings me to my point:
have you read any excellent byliner stories this week?

Mike: You know I have!

John: boom boom

Mike: One of my favorite genres for longform stories is science, and one of my favorite science writers is Carl Zimmer.

So this week I chose a story by Zimmer called “Whose Life Would You Save?” which he wrote a few years ago for Discover magazine.

John: Sounds like a cliff hanger
moral dilemmas?

Mike: Well, it’s about this guy named Joshua Greene who is a neuroscientist and philosopher at Princeton. His main area of study, at least in the story is neuroethics, which is basically looking at the emotional and reasoning networks in our brains to figure out how we made decisions.

John: crazy
honestly
i dont think im smart enough to even know what question to ask next

Mike: So, okay, here’s a famous example: A group of villagers are hiding in a basement while enemy soldiers search the rooms above. A baby starts to cry. The villagers know that if the soldiers hear the crying, they’ll be discovered and killed. The dilemma: “Is it appropriate for you to smother the baby to save yourself and the other villagers?”

John: sheesh
i suppose I try and quiet the baby by any means necessary without trying to hurt the baby?
because the baby is going to die if you dont anyway

Mike: Okay, so how did you come to that conclusion? In the story, Zimmer explains that we have an emotional network and a reasoning a network in our brains. The reasoning network will probably say, duh smother the baby and save everyone even if the baby has to die. And the emotional one says, “But wait, it’s a baby!” When we have clashing feelings like that, our anterior cingulate cortex switches on to mediate, and we come up with an answer.

So that’s what you basically just did, John.

John: HOLD ON
WHAT IS AN ANTERIOR CINGULATE CORTEX?

Mike: Haha, it’s just the part of our brain that helps us work out conflicts.

John: interesting, so that “brain piece” basically tells us which is more important in a certain situation– the emotional reaction or the logical reaction?

Mike: Right exactly!

John: sometimes the right thing emotionally isn’t the right thing logically
hence we have ANTERIOR CINGULATE CORTEX to direct?
did what i just wrote make sense?

Mike: Haha, yes, sort of.
But also, one answer is that our brains don’t really work the same. Which is why we come up with different decisions. Though I’d be happy with your brain, John.

John: lol thanks

Mike: Since you’re always killing it

John: there’s always computers and monitors being smashed in effigy though

Mike: Hah. Maybe I’ll keep mine for now

Interested in reading more? Byliner has thousands of great fiction and nonfiction stories. Check it out here.

by Matthew J.X. Malady

People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask.

I was on the Rihanna plane and once yelled at Jon Caramanica at a house party. Please consider letting me edit the New York Times magazine.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) November 12, 2013

Julieanne! So what happened here?

I’m glad you asked. This tweet was fascinating, and I’m glad it didn’t go unheralded as “not interesting to anyone, at all.” Let me break it down for you, in three equally entertaining parts.

• I was on the Rihanna plane
Rihanna is a Caribbean musician who likes to wear shirts without pants underneath them. She went on week-long singing and dancing airplane tour last year and brought along 150 members of the press. I was one of them. It was, as you may have heard, sometimes fun but frequently terrible.

• and once yelled at Jon Caramanica at a house party.
A few summers ago, I was at the home of cool music journalist Sasha Frere-Jones, who was having a party. I think his buzzer was broken, because we were all taking turns going downstairs to retrieve arriving guests. I let in cool music journalist Jon Caramanica, whom I had never met, so I was just this sweaty, weird, non-cool music journalist answering the door, and he made some casual “Who are you?” joke on account of us not knowing each other. I pretended he meant it in a pejorative way and was like, “I’m the biggest deal AT this party, Jon Caramanica” and then seized on this opportunity to be annoying for an entire night. Whenever possible, I said things like, “I guess you’d be more enthusiastic if the door had been opened by Ben Fong-Torres,” and “I can’t believe media’s Jon Carmanica doesn’t know who I am,” and put pieces of celery in my mouth like walrus tusks, going “Look at me, I’m media’s Jon Caramanica.” I don’t think he thought it was as funny as I did. I may have been intoxicated.

• Please consider letting me edit the New York Times magazine.
I tweeted this not long after reading a rumor that The New York Times needed to replace a departing editor. I am sort of between gigs right now, and I thought maybe this was the universe’s way of speaking to me, as it often does through birds, my multiple astrology apps, and songs requested on the Delilah radio program.

What was the worst thing about being on that Rihanna trip, and the best thing about giving Caramanica hell?

We visited seven cities and were asked to attend seven concerts. We went long periods of time without sleep because Rihanna must always keep moving, like a sexy Barbadian shark. But as we were watching the exact same concert every night and had no access to Rihanna for interviews or anything, many of us ended up filing stories about being sleepy, crabby, hungry, and airplane-greasy. Many people thought we were assholes for this.

As far as Jon goes, he was a good sport about all of my ribbing and I think was mostly still confused as to who I was and why I was there. I think I actually took my shirt off at some point. I had a smaller shirt on underneath, but the gesture was probably pretty alarming.

Lesson learned (if any)?

I have not been invited to a party since.

Just one more thing:

I would still like to be considered for an extremely top-level position at The New York Times.

Matthew J.X. Malady is a writer and editor in New York.

Your Heart Will Fill With Joy Once You See How This Group Of Homes Resemble A Male Member When Viewed From The Air

Hot on the heels of Housing Estate Shaped Like Swastika comes Housing estate ‘looks like a giant penis’, which you should not click through to if you are someone who is plagued with feelings of inadequacy.