It’s official! Singer/co-songwriter Ke$ha is the first Number One Hot 100 artist of the decade with her song “TiK ToK.” In fact, she just had the second biggest sales week of all time on iTunes (first biggest by a female artist). But if you’re anything like me-even though you pay a decent amount of attention to trivial pop culture things like this-you still have no idea who Ke$ha really is (other than that she brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels). Not to worry: I’ve done all the research for you. And, upon further review, I think she might be this generation’s pre-Federline Britney Spears.

Let’s start with the basics. It’s not Kee-sha or Kee-dollar sign-ha. The correct pronunciation is Kesh-a, “kesh” pronounced like “mesh” (WELL GUYS, I GUESS WE’RE REALLY DOING THIS!). She’s a 22-year-old who was born in the Valley and then moved to Nashville, where she spent her formative years with her punk singer/songwriter mother. After appearing on-and this is now the world in which we live-the Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reality show “The Simple Life,” she sent her demos to mega-producers Dr. Luke and Max Martin.

Not familiar with Dr. Luke? He’s the protege of Max Martin (and if you’re not familiar with Max Martin, he invented the sound of Britney Spears and ‘NSYNC). In the last few years Dr. Luke has amassed his own fairly impressive pop discography, including Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend”, both of Katy Perry’s hit singles, literally all of the Kelly Clarkson songs you like, Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The USA”, and a bunch of other huge, huge hits.

After Dr. Luke and Max Martin got hold of her demos, the producers coerced her into moving to LA, where (according to her official bio) she did the struggling artist thing for a few years before eventually getting a record deal with Jive, the same label that has been home to-wait for it-Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and ‘NSYNC.

Next, she was featured anonymously on the Flo Rida hit “Right Round” (you don’t think you know this song, but you do, and it’s actually the number one most downloaded song in the course of a week on iTunes), and then in October of 2009 she put out “TiK ToK,” to mixed reviews. She began to gain momentum with the ONTD-set and then the tweens by being featured on “The Hills,” the new “90210” (a lot better than you might think!), and other shows of that ilk. Suddenly, she’s the number one singer in America, performing on “Ellen”!

I know this is going to sound crazy and really premature to say,but I think there’s a lot of evidence that points toward Ke$ha being this generation’s Britney Spears (say, the Baby, One More Time through Britney era). Sacrilege? Not at all. Let’s look at this objectively.

You probably think Lady Gaga is this generation’s Britney, but that’s where you’re wrong: Lady Gaga scares the crap out of some people (myself included) and isn’t really palatable to all of America. Sure, she’s obviously a huge superstar with a gigantic following, but for better or worse she’s “Like A Virgin”-era Madonna: a really good pop star who, at this point, is much more committed to creating spectacle rather than just making hit music. It’s just a different lane to go down.

Ke$ha, on the other hand, is a version of Gaga-lite, but in a good way. She is sort of edgy in that she puts on weird eye makeup, but she also just wears vintage-looking t-shirts and jeans when performing on national television. As opposed to donning some weird Gareth Pugh leotard while standing on top of a blood-draped ladder that’s in a coffin set on fire, or something.

Aesthetics aside, and looking past the cute, marketable, blonde-girl-singing-songs written with one of the most prolific producers in the world, Ke$ha is this generation’s Britney because she’s pretty much like any other girl you know.

If you watch her performance of “TiK ToK” on “Ellen,” the whole thing is reminiscent of something you would see on stage at a college sorority’s rush event (note the skipping step into the weird robot move they do in the chorus, 0:58 min mark). But it’s her relatability and sincerity as an exemplar of true girl-next-doorishness that makes her such the right pop star for right now.

Thanks to the Internet, and the whole “death of shame” trend to which it is both handmaiden and accelerant, the separation between famous people and people who really want to be famous has gotten as narrow as Keira Knightley standing sideways. People who want fame badly enough actually can just go and get it. In the same way that a blogger in LA who names his blog after a socialite can become friends with-or more famous than-the celebrities he writes about, or a fashion blogger in the Philippines can get his own eponymous Marc Jacobs bag, a girl like this, who isn’t not talented but really wants to be a pop star, can get on a reality show, get her demo to the right people, work with super-producers, and then in a relatively short amount of time become a record breaking musician. (It helps to have an amazing Twitter feed.)

And that is the deal with Ke$ha.

“I think some directors make films because they want to hang out with movie stars and be part of Hollywood. They want to be a star themselves. I’m not interested in that at all.”
–The adorable Neill Blomkamp, director of District 9, whose next film is not a sequel but does “take place 150 years from now.”

What’s up, ladies? Where you at? Two stories in today’s Observer suggest it’s “somewhere tricky.” Did you know a mother of four was at the head of doing the Bank of America TARP repayment stock-offer deal? Imagine that, a lady-one with children even. That is so crazy! I’m not even going to be like Jesus Christ no profile of a man ever started like that because, why bother, guys. (The rest of it is interesting though! She is actually of interest!) And here is a report on a gathering of women, who have had it with the commitment-phobia of New York men and have resorted to dating Europeans (but NOT people from like Africa or Asia or anything gross like that).

The thing is, this story is totally charming and expertly done, and totally true in that way that all trend stories are true, which is to say, true for those whose lives are anecdotes.

The collective sigh that evening was in reference to the stubborn, New York man-child with his perpetual fear of marriage and confused (“I love you, now go away”) approach to relationships. It is now an entrenched cultural truth: A desirable woman in her 30s could meet someone, date for a while, enter a relationship, spend Thanksgiving at her boyfriend’s parents’ house, rent an apartment together, adopt a pet, wash his skivvies for years and still: Long-term commitment is not guaranteed.

And so they dated Danes and Germans alike. God, no wonder circumcision is way down these days-everyone’s (“everyone’s”) baby-daddy is from Europe!

Anyway. Highly enjoyable! And also? “Entrenched cultural truth” is the best possible way to express this idea about New York men! It’s such a marvelous turn of phrase, alluding as it does to a condition of constant disavowal.

The roots of Krautrock-or, if you prefer, motorik-examined.

This is from one of those other sides of the Internet-web content in pursuit of Google traffic-except that’s mostly situational, because the actual content is awesome. (The site in question, Our Cheating Ways, is run by a woman who says that “our promiscuous, cheating ways are having a detrimental effect on our society.” Okay!) The topic is the Top Five (Most-Googled) Sexual Fantasies of Women, and it is not at all impaired by the fact that it was written by a man. Hence, Fantasy Number Three: “Rape fantasies, sometimes called ravaging fantasies, are extremely common among women. In fact, they are the basis for many of the romance novels we read when we are in our teens and just discovering our sexuality. But, real rape is about violence. Fantasy rape is about the loss of romantic control.” Got that, Whoopi Goldberg and Dolce and Gabbana? Rape rape: totally not either rape or fantasy rape.

The benefits of having a sizable posterior may be greatly exaggerated by those wishing to sell you buttock-enhancing products, says an expert: “[M]y fat ass has yet to usher me into the world of the big-bottomed celebrity elite. I haven’t figured out how to summon my ass weight in order to boost my confidence at home or in the workplace. I can’t say that anyone has ever looked at my ass and said, ‘Damn-that looks expensive.’”

It’s my favorite, favorite event of every new year: Rex Reed’s annual tribute to the dead! It is so magical. I want to curl up on a loveseat with this column and fondle it. I can’t even pick out a quote! How about: “Also taking a final curtain call: Olga San Juan, sparkling Brooklyn-born ‘Puerto Rican pepper pot’ who sang and danced with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire in Blue Skies (1946) before making a 1951 Broadway splash in the legendary Paint Your Wagon; and sterling soprano Susanna Foster, who was a sensation in several ’40s movie musicals, including the 1943 Phantom of the Opera with Claude Rains and Nelson Eddy. But when her career hit the skids it never recovered. At one point, she was living in the back seat of an automobile in Hollywood.” NEXT YEAR what HAS TO HAPPEN is that they MAKE REX DO A VIDEO READING OF THIS, I WOULD PAY 99 CENTS A MINUTE FOR THAT.

Holy shit! A Japanese whaling ship, the Nisshin Maru, totally totaled the Ady Gil, a space-age water craft used by anti-whaling activist group Sea Shepherd, in the Southern Ocean around Antarctica. “The Ady Gil is believed to be sinking and chances of salvage are very grim,” Sea Shepherd said in a statement this morning, though nearby nearby boats rescued all six crew members.

The Japanese whalers describe the Ady Gil as an attack vessel, saying it came dangerously close to their ship in efforts to tangle its rudder in rope. The Ady Gil also launched stink bombs at the Nisshin Maru, while the Nisshin Maru sprayed them with high-power water hoses. “The Sea Shepherd extremism is becoming more violent…” said Japan’s Institute of Cetacean Research in a statement. “Their actions are nothing but felonious behaviour.”

Saving the whales is a dangerous business. But clearly very exciting. And you get to drive boss-ass boats that look like the Batmobile.

Here’s the latest American craze taking hold in Britain: “Known by a variety of names from funky chicken to space monkey, the ‘game’ involves hyperventilating or squeezing the carotid artery in the neck for a few seconds to achieve a high. Constricting the artery cuts blood flow to the brain; when the pressure is released, the resulting rush of oxygen causes the high. Experts say it is most prevalent among high-achieving adolescents who do not want to get in trouble by taking drugs or drink. The practice is different to autoerotic asphyxiation because it is not done for sexual gratification.” Apparently, “the craze is spreading on the internet largely without the knowledge of adults,” but since there is already an advocacy group called Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play (note the acronym) we’re sure to hear plenty more about it in the future.

Here, on another side of the Internet (the Internet is like one of those Dungeons and Dragons cubes with 13 sides or whatever, which means that none of those sides can actually see any of the other sides?), is a list of the 30 killingest bloggers on the Internet. It’s fascinating! Chris Guillebeau, anyone? “Chris has received a lot of attention with his blog, the Art of Non Conformity. His unique philosophy and compelling writing style propelled him to authority blogger in less than 279 days.” Joanna Penn? “Joanna has been the hidden success story of 2010. Her blog, The Creative Penn, has had a lot of success in both the local and intertional [sic] blogging communitiese [sic] is developing a strong reputation for providing high quality content and is famous for providing high quality links on twitter.” I have never been to this Internet and I’m obsessed with finding out how to climb through some tesseract to get there.