“There is absolutely no one more in tune with the hearts and minds of everyday Americans than Governor Palin, and I’m excited to welcome her back to our beautiful state this spring.”
-Comedy writers everywhere are rejoicing at Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s announcement that Sarah Palin will come campaign for her this April.

Some good news concerning our terrible bitters shortage: The Times suggests these German alternatives. “There are several flavors. The more unusual ones are lemon, Bittermens grapefruit and a knockout celery that is a must in a bloody mary and even in some tequila drinks. Bittermens xocolatl mole is earthy, with chocolate notes. The lemon will also work in the kitchen, to stand in for grated zest. There is also an aromatic style that tastes of spice and leather, and a straightforward orange.” At about $16 a pop these are not exactly cheap, but come on, how good does that celery sound? [Via]

The Italian Senate has passed a bill that will dramatically curtail the length of trials in that country. The bill is retroactive, so it will have the COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL effect of ending two major fraud and corruption cases against Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. The bill now moves to the Chamber of Deputies, where it is expected to pass easily. E finito!

Kids today! When they’re not busy snacking, they are totally online! How do they even find time for all the blowjob parties?

An aftershock with a magnitude of 6.1 struck Haiti this morning, but don’t worry: Lester Holt and his crew are fine.

The University of Oregon is considering not allowing the Pacifica Forum to meet in the student union. That group, to be fair, hosts all manner of speakers, not just “legitimate historians” who don’t believe the Holocaust happened. And then there’s this.

The young woman, a University of Oregon student who would only give her name as Katie, couldn’t take it anymore. She had to come forward, had to say something. To his face.

“This is not acceptable!” she said more than once to Valdas Anelauskas, tears streaming down her face. “You’re making me feel unsafe.”

She came all the way from the back of the room, the Walnut Room at the UO’s Erb Memorial Union, Friday during the latest Pacifica Forum talk.

She said she had to tell Anelauska­s, a Lithuanian native who has described himself as a “white separatist and racialist,” just what she thought of a remark he admits to making during a talk last summer about the late radical feminist and writer, Andrea Dworkin.

Anelauskas had said Dworkin, known for her views that pornography can lead to violence against women, was “too ugly to rape.”

The young woman was joined by several others in Friday’s crowd, most who came to protest the Pacifica Forum, and huddled with her to support her after Anelauskas tried to comfort her by saying, “No, you’re not ugly.”

“[V]oters realize that there is only one party who bailed out the automakers and insurance companies, forced a failed stimulus debacle through Congress, advocated for an energy tax, and attempted to take over America’s health care system,” says a memo from the National Republican Senatorial Committee in the wake of Scott Brown’s victory in Massachusetts. As Ben Smith points out, “It may have been a long time ago, but President Bush did preside over the auto and AIG bailouts.” But, really, why get tangled up in details?

Job Description:
• Write articles (20 articles within 5 days).
• Min 500 words for each article.
• This project should be completed within 5 days.
• You only will be pay total of $60USD upon completion of all articles.
• 100% correct punctuation and grammar!

That’s 10,000 words. (To be written in five days.) For 3/5ths of 1 penny per word. Is this Dickens?

Good LORD, Matt, did you even spare a second to think about Sarah Palin’s feelings?

A memo from the Times: “Today we are announcing that we will be introducing a paid model for NYTimes.com at the beginning of 2011. As you will see in the press release, we have chosen a metered approach that will offer users free access to a set number of articles per month and then charge users once they exceed that number.”