BREAKING: Extremely hot Saltie chef Rebecca Collerton is single, ladies, reveals free weekly’s run-down of Top Local Hot Lesbians. Come for the (EXCEPTIONAL) sandwich, stay for the slipping to her of your phone number!

Odd Man Rush: Your Truncated Stanley Cup Playoffs Preview

by copyranter

The regular season’s over! Let’s have a brief but heated discussion of the eight NHL post-season series, some of which will be much briefer and less heated than others. Thanks to my NHL Center Ice subscription, I’ve seen every team play at least a couple of games. I will combine this amateur scouting with my sublime knowledge of the game to make pointless guesses as to which eight teams will move on.

First, an observation: I found the play this year to be exceedingly sloppy and boring. Sure, the skating is faster, but no one can make a fucking pass. The talent pool has become so watered down, mainly because there are about six too many clubs in the league. And the rinks need to be widened. Yesterday.

Eastern Conference

•No. 1 Washington vs. No. 8 Montreal: The Capitals are the favorite to win the Cup. But Les Canadiens are the team I root for. Washington, led by Alexes Ovechkin and Semin (what a wrist shot) scored 101 more goals this season than the Habs. But, the Habs have the best goalie since the Olympic break in Jaroslav Halak. The Caps keeper is shaky ex-Canadien Jose Theodore. The Habs’ leading scorer Tomas Plekanec idiotically talked smack about Theodore. No matter, the Capitals forwards will prove to be too much to handle for the Canadiens weak defensemen. Washington in five.

•No. 2 New Jersey vs. No. 7 Philadelphia: I hate both of these teams. I respect the Devils, though. Their team defense is a year-in, year-out marvel. And Martin Brodeur is a money goalie, though he’s sliding a bit. The addition of Ilya Kovalchuk (nice trade, Thrashers) gave New Jersey one of the most explosive offensive players in the league. The Flyers won 5 of 6 meetings this season. That means absolutely nothing. Devils in six.

•No. 3 Buffalo vs. No. 6 Boston: The Sabres have U.S. Olympic hero Ryan Miller between the pipes. The Bruins have, in defenseman Zdeno Chara, a man who stands over 7′ tall on skates. Sabres in six. Why? I don’t really know. How ‘bout because…fuck you, Don Cherry?

•No. 4 Pittsburgh vs. No. 5 Ottawa: The Penguins are of course the defending champs. Sidney Crosby is of course the annoying savior of a nation. But Pittsburgh is vulnerable this year, mainly because the usually rock solid Marc-Andre Fleury has been inconsistent in net. Still, I pick Pittsburgh, because a Capitals-Penguins rematch just needs to happen. Penguins in 6.

Western Conference

First a caveat. I haven’t watched these teams play nearly as much, and don’t know them as well as the Eastern clubs. I do know that this conference is deeper than the East, though I still think the East has more true Cup contenders in Washington, Pittsburgh, and New Jersey.

•No. 1 San Jose vs. No. 8 Colorado: The Sharks are, if you didn’t know, the post-season joke of the NHL. Every year, they chomp through regular season, and every year, they tank in the playoffs. This year, they will at least make it to the 2nd round. And, the tenacious and talented Dany Heatley could just maybe help San Jose de-hex themselves and get to the finals. Sharks in 5.

•No. 2 Chicago vs. No. 7 Nashville: An EA Sports simulation picked the Blackhawks and their cool sweaters to win it all, so they better beat the Predators. But Hawk goalie Antti Niemi has never played in the playoffs. I think the Predators might win this series, but I’m picking the Blawkhawks in 7. Because, Nashville?

•No. 3 Vancouver vs. No. 6 Los Angeles: I don’t know/care. But, fuck Hollywood, the Canucks in 6.

•:No. 4 Phoenix vs. No. 5 Detroit: This is the one Western series that I care about, because the Red Wings are the only Western team I like. And because Detroit is the only Western team that can win the Cup (says me). They’re an old team, but they were champs two years ago, and they were the best team in the league the last two months of the season. A rookie goalie is a big concern for them, though. And the Coyotes’ netminder Ilya Bryzgalov is a wall. Detroit in 6. Mainly because, the Coyotes?

In June, the champions will raise the Cup. Excited, Americans? Don’t lie, Nielsen is watching you. You know who is excited? The Liberians. Well, about the jerseys, anyway.

If I didn’t cover your team to your satisfaction-likely, since I didn’t cover my team to my satisfaction-go read the in-depth playoff previews at the stupidly named Yahoo hockey blog Puck Daddy. Editor Greg Wyshynski is thorough.

Copyranter is an ad copywriter who blogs about advertising here. Before selling out, he was a sports reporter for several small newspapers, including a daily where he covered the Philadelphia Flyers. He knows his way around a rink, having majored in hockey in college-which led to his graduating with a 2.8 GPA in Communications and a wicked wrist shot.

“Bottom line, I think Sarah Palin for a lot of people has become a spokesperson. People worried that government has forgotten them, has grown too big, that the deficit is growing too large, and in some sense that we’re not being as strong as we should be in the world-Governor Palin has spoken to those concerns as much as anyone…. I don’t know what her future is. I’m just saying everybody should listen.”
-Connecticut Senator/miserable prick Joe Lieberman does what he does best, thanking God-with whom he is very close-that Republicans have momentum going into November’s election and suggesting that we all lend an ear (and, perhaps, a bendy straw) to the important message Sarah Palin is delivering.

Mysterious Entity In Neighboring Galaxy Shooting Radiowaves At Earth, But It’s Cool, Probably Just A Microquasar Strangely Bereft Of X-rays

A mysterious new celestial entity in the nearby galaxy of M82 is beaming radiowaves toward Earth unlike any others scientists have seen before. “The new object, which appeared in May 2009, has left us scratching our heads,” said Tom Muxlow, of University of Manchester’s Jodrell Bank Observatory. “We’ve never seen anything quite like this before.” The scientists, who have been sitting on this information for almost a year, don’t seem to be panicking, so I guess we shouldn’t either. Though the waves are headed right toward us, and are sneakily appearing to move sideways. As New Scientist reports: “Its apparent sideways velocity is four times the speed of light. Such apparent ‘superluminal’ motion has been seen before in high-speed jets of material squirted out by some black holes. The stuff in these jets is moving towards us at a slight angle and travelling at a fair fraction of the speed of light, and the effects of relativity produce a kind of optical illusion that makes the motion appear superluminal.” (I know, I know, “high-speed jets of material squirting out of black holes…” Yeah, yeah. Did M82 have Mexican food for lunch or whatever. Grow up. This is Science.)

Some people think it might be a microquasar, a small black hole that results from the explosion of a star that starts feeding on gasses emitted from another star. But as everybody knows, microquasars usually send out lots of X-rays, and no X-rays have been detected from this thing. “So that’s not right either,” Muxlow said.

Maybe it’s Monster Magnet. I hope so.

These Everybody’s Nuts brand pistachios were on sale at the Giant, right by the regular pistachios, and I was feeling cheap and in a hurry so I bought them. They are terrible.

I should have known not to buy pistachios that come in flavors. Pistachios should taste like pistachios and salt. But so I tried to get the most normal-sounding flavors I could: one bag of “European roast” and one of “salt & pepper.” Pepper’s pretty inoffensive, right?

Does your pepper grinder contain “Yeast Extract”? Because the Everybody’s Nuts pistachio company’s pepper grinder does! Also “Sugar, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Dextrose, Lemon Juice Concentrate,” and “Natural Flavor.” Also known as GENERIC SNACK-FOOD GARBAGE DUST.

Meanwhile the “European roast” contains “Modified Food Starch, Natural Flavor, Malt Vinegar, Spice,” and “Apple Cider Vinegar.” Is that really how they eat pistachios in Europe? With a mist of SOUR GARBAGE baked onto them?

Everybody’s Nuts brand pistachios are atrocious. The point seems to be that Americans are now so trained to eat industrial commodity-food mouth objects instead of food, even actual tasty foodstuffs need to be made to taste like FlaVorChem. Also, the Everybody’s Nuts packaging contains lots and lots of wacky text about how every single pistachio nut in the package is always wide open, always. I barely touched the Salt & Pepper bag, yet there was a tightly closed pistachio, right in the first handful. So they are disgusting and they are liars. Nice work. Apparently if I go to the Web site and report the unopened nut, I can get a “FREE bag.” Can I make that a bag of unadulterated pistachios, from some other company? Thanks.

3D TV is going to be great for everyone, excepting children, pregnant women, old people, tired people, people with serious medical conditions, those with poor eyes, and drunks. If you’re not a member of any of those groups, sitting on your ass and doing nothing is about to get a whole lot more exciting!

Parents in Lucerne, Switzerland, wishing to give their offspring an extra-special birthday surprise are turning to actor Dominic Deville to deliver the goods. Deville “stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes. He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.” When the attack does arrive, it is in the shape of a cake to the face, delivered by an evil clown. Deville notes that the stalking and scary note sending can be called off at any time, but that kids “love being scared senseless.” Let’s check back on the Lucerne area in about ten years from now and see how that all worked out, shall we?

“’You hear it all the time: Rock is dead,’ David Fricke writes in the new issue of Rolling Stone, on sale at newsstands today. ‘But the current state of music is the same as it ever was: There is the good and the bad, and there is always plenty of the former, if you’re willing to seek it out.’ To prove the point, the Rolling Stone staff assembled a rundown of the 40 top reasons to be excited about music right now, starting with our cover stars, the Black Eyed Peas, a group that has perfected the art of global domination thanks to the brilliant maneuvering of philosophical leader Will.i.am.” I understand nothing about this and I NEVER WILL. 1. “TO PROVE THE POINT”? 2. “STARTING WITH”? 3. “ROCK IS DEAD” BUT? Only LOLs are left!

I am really, really pre-enjoying the coming chapter of the battle-saga of the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times-way too much. I love that there are two rich men, Arthur Sulzberger and Rupert Murdoch, both delightful and wacky in their own ways, who have staked out both an ideology and a business practice and now they are going to get all Greco-Roman about it-and will drag their deputies into it, too. (New Times spokesbot (not doing too well so far!) Big Bob Christie v. Robert Thomson (mean as can be!).) So this is the perfect curtain raiser for the coming bloodbath. Here’s Thomson’s latest: “My advice to New York Times readers is cancel your subscription, read it on the Web for free and buy The Journal.” Of course he is saying this because of the feature (or flaw! Maybe “fatal” “flaw”?) of the Journal, which is that “virtually nothing” of their new New York section will be available online without a payment. This is going to be a great spring, with the sniping and the stabbing and the poaching and the harsh words and the models of commerce falling apart like wet newsprint!

I absolutely love cilantro, but then again I have a marvelously sophisticated palate and a gustatory open-mindedness that allows me to enjoy most flavors, even those from societies I am not genetically or culturally predisposed to be fond of. Those of who you dislike cilantro and feel perhaps a bit ashamed of that fact are in luck: Science says there may be a hereditary reason for your aversion.

The senses of smell and taste evolved to evoke strong emotions… because they were critical to finding food and mates and avoiding poisons and predators. When we taste a food, the brain searches its memory to find a pattern from past experience that the flavor belongs to. Then it uses that pattern to create a perception of flavor, including an evaluation of its desirability.

If the flavor doesn’t fit a familiar food experience, and instead fits into a pattern that involves chemical cleaning agents and dirt, or crawly insects, then the brain highlights the mismatch and the potential threat to our safety. We react strongly and throw the offending ingredient on the floor where it belongs.

So, really, it’s not that you’re an unrefined hick, it’s more that your genes are lacking in culture. The article suggests several options by which you can allow yourself to appreciate the subtle majesty of cilantro, but it seems like a lot of work and we know you’d be much happier sticking to regular parsley, right? I wouldn’t trouble yourself too much about it, you boorish culinary xenophobe.