A hack? A shameless “reverse psychology” PR ploy? No idea. In any event, the Facebook group for the 2010 Webutante Ball, an upcoming event put on by Gawker TV’s Richard Blakeley during Internet Week that has a “prom theme” and a committee to elect the king and queen of the Internet or something, does not seem to have its original wording at this time. At least, we suspect that “100% of ticket proceeds go directly to charity to promote the idea that this event is something other than a massive circle jerk” was not the original advertorial set of words put there.

In an attempt to be charitable about Kentucky Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul’s political views (Paul takes issue with parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act on the grounds that private institutions should be allowed to discriminate), the best the Washington Post’s Ezra Klein can come up with is, okay, he might not be a racist, but he is an ideological extremist. Which seems to be a fair, if not terribly helpful, characterization. Klein also notes that, “When you can’t answer the question ‘Should [the] Woolworth lunch counter have been allowed to stay segregated? Sir, just yes or no,’ it’s fair to say you’re off-message,” which is indisputably true.

Yes, those are diapers that have been tarted up to look like jeans. (Or, rather, jean shorts.) And they’re “limited edition,” even, so snap them up while you can. You know, pandering to those parents who feel like they should start indoctrinating their kids with the most idiotic aspects of consumerism as soon as possible is probably a pretty smart strategy, all things considered!

Credit Jay Leno for making the effort (and you can tell it was some effort) to pronounce Nas’ name correctly (so that it would rhyme with the British way of saying “vase” as opposed to the American pronunciation of “has,” which is the common mistake.) Also, the Queens rapper and his collaborator, Bob Marley’s son, Damian (whose hair must be incredibly heavy when it’s wet), sounded good performing their bouncy reggae rap single “As We Enter” with a seven-piece band on The Tonight Show last night.

Here’s the niche-iest non-single serving new blog on the block. Its name pretty much explains it all: Fire Tom Friedman.

“Tina Fey’s sexuality is actually a much deeper well that is quite far from being entirely pumped yet.”

In a catastrophe that is sure to have wide-ranging effects on all segments of society, the Internet awoke on Thursday to discover that there was nothing left to turn into a photo gallery. Slideshow monitors first noticed the depletion of suitable pictures and topics at 8:42 a.m., when the New York Observer ran a profile on the domestic accommodations of wealthy Manhattan gadabout Lockhart Steele.

“It was horrible,” said Randall Ansberry, director of California’s Berkeley Webological Laboratory. “My team couldn’t believe what they were seeing. One of the younger members kept hitting refresh on his browser and muttering, ‘That can’t be it,’ over and over until he slumped in his chair and went silent.”

“I am sorry to say that, yes, that was it,” added Ansberry.

Experts were stunned by both the unexpected finality of the event and the utterly prosaic way in which it came about.

“I don’t get it,” said an administration official from the Department of Energy who declined to be identified because the Department had not yet decided on how to formally address the issue. “A disaster of this significance and it’s set off by yet another profile of Lockhart Steele? And this one is about his tiny apartment? A 3-page slideshow where two of the pictures are pretty much identical? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

The official added that the administration was investigating whether the devastation may have been deliberate. In the last few years China and Russia have been accused of directing attacks on the Web’s bountiful array of meaningless, pageview-inflating clickshows. Each nation vociferously denied involvement, both then and now.

“This is a great tragedy for humanity,” said a spokesman for Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. “We stand united with the West in condemning the perpetrators of this outrage, whoever they may be.”

Others in the industry seemed less surprised by the depletion.

“I’ve been warning about this for years,” said Hank Schaefer, a noted skeptic of slideshows and the chief adviser to M.I.T.’s Single-Page Initiative. “I was at a conference just last week where I made it pretty clear that not only had we reached peak pageviews, but we were rapidly burning off the few possible topics of interest we had left. Henry Blodget told me I was an idiot who didn’t understand the economics of the industry. Then he said I should sit on something rusty and rotate. Well, who’s laughing now? Good luck running giant blocks of text from here on out, buddy!”

Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington was unavailable for comment, and is said to be in seclusion in her California home.

As this story went to press President Obama was meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff to explore military solutions to the disaster. Political fallout from the event is already being felt in the nation’s capital, with House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) calling it “Obama’s fail whale” and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin taking to her Facebook page to wonder “why this administration wants to take away your adorable kitty galleries.”

Authorities urge everyone to remain calm and vigilant for the moment, and also remind you that one of the walls in Lockhart Steele’s utilitarian rental apartment is red.

A 49-year-old New Jersey woman is maybe losing the right to her license plate, which reads “BIOCH,” because that is how you spell “bitch” with a Trenton [Tren’-en] accent. Her new license plate reads “WHAEVER,” which is awesome. But really the most fabulous part of this wondrous story is the explanation from the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission. Yes: “language is ever changing and evolving, especially in pop-culture. While a word may mean nothing today, it could have some sort of negative connotation years later.”

“We thought she was just going this weird way to the high school.”
—Nourhan Heikel, a student from Little Falls, N.J., whose daily bus ride to school was very nearly a trip to Great Adventure thanks to a confused driver who thought she was picking up kids en route to an annual school outing to the New Jersey amusement park, and who ignored the kids’ protests that they should be going to school, and not barreling down the New Jersey Turnpike. In the pre-cell-phone era, this would have been the opening scene in either a crazy Savage Steve Holland comedy or a slasher bloodbath; now, it’s just the prelude to a bunch of aggrieved phone calls to parents. Technology!

“An article on Monday about two journeyman forwards who are trying to make the United States soccer team referred imprecisely to the source of the given names in the family of Herculez Gomez, one of the players. While he, his brother Ulysses and his other siblings take their names from Greek mythology, each was not named after a Greek god.”