It is not helping things at the US Open everyone is wearing the same outfit: white Lacoste. For those of us who can barely care to keep the players straight (as it were), it’s a problem!

(via, via)

The storytellers at Next Action Media, fresh from their remarkable depiction of the Chilean miner story, turn their CGI lens to the battle between the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. This is rough going, but stick with it: You don’t want to miss the West Side Story-style battle between Rupert Murdoch and Arthur Sulzberger. Also, Carlos Slim looks like a Mountie for some reason? But whatever, I’ll take as many of these as I can get.

“A South African has become so fat on her diet of marshmallows that she’s been taken to England to lose weight…. Oshine, the animal, arrived at the Monkey World Ape Rescue Center in southern England last week, the center announced on Twitter. ‘We have a new arrival, very large & orange!’ the center said September 1 — but kept details close to its chest. A day later, it said she was settling in well. ‘Our new orange lady has spent the day in the nursery playroom today, she’s doing really well but we have a long way to go, she is obese!’”

This was probably inevitable. I mean, that I would post this clip, not the whole “orangutan to fat camp” thing. Although thank God that happened, because, really, you have no idea how hacked off I am with this day. Also, way to bodysnark, Monkey World Ape Rescue Center Twitter account maintainer. That poor gorilla probably feels terrible about herself now.

“One of my greatest pet peeves (and a conversation I encourage you to never start with me, because I just go on and on about how much it ‘annoys’ me until you roll your eyes, or at least that’s what my husband does) is what companies get away with printing on product labels. ‘A good source of calcium!’ ‘Boosts childrens immunity!’ ‘Fat free!” (Dude, it’s ketchup.) And especially: 100% juice! (Welch’s). Because I had eaten grapes (tons, actually, in the 9 months before this sock monkey thief came along) and they didn’t taste anything like that ridiculouslessness in the bottle. How do they get away with making such false claims? And then, last week I had my first Concord grape. And guys, it tasted precise like… bottled grape juice (or Kedem, for those of you ushering in 5771 wine-free this week). Have I been wr-r-r- (this word, it hurts) -ong? Is it possible that nutritional claims made on labels might not be universally dubious? Some people read Ayn Rand and suddenly have to reconsider everything they once thought they knew about the world; me, I ate a grape.”
–Our Lady of Smitten Kitchen is really procrastinating hard on her cookbook.

Google Unveils This Week’s New Thing

Google today announced “Google Instant Search,” a new feature which allows users to do, I dunno, something? It’s faster? Or it predicts what you’re going to type? Maybe it reaches through the screen and gently caresses the back of your hand while saying, “There, there, everything’s going to be fine. Shhh, it’s okay,” in quiet, soothing tones, because I could really use that right now. I have no idea! Google lost me around Wave (remember that?) and ever since then I’ve just been in a fog of confusion and indifference. I can make cellphone calls from my Gmail inbox? Okay! There’s a new priority system that tells me what mail I need to read before I’ve opened it? Sure! Whatever you say, Google! When we are all toiling in the mines as part of the Google Serf program I’m sure we will still appreciate these few years of technological innovations. If only I understood what the hell they were.

by Sean McTiernan

Sometimes videos go viral within the confines of one country and they never reach the wider world. Often, that’s a real shame. Lucky for you, Irishman Sean McTiernan is here to give you a glimpse into the country’s already storied collection of viral gems. Previously: the majesty of Ham Sandwich, the mystery of Irish rap and fun with the cops.

Hey, did you know that the world’s longest running talk show by the same broadcaster is based in Ireland? You did? Eh, well done, your family is proud of you and so am I. If you didn’t, I’ll tell you it’s called The Late Late Show and it began back in 1962. From then until 1999 it was mostly hosted by a man called Gay Byrne. Gay’s short for Gabriel if you were wondering. The 60s in Ireland was relatively innocent, alright? And then Pat Kenny took over.

Pat Kenny had presented The Late Late Show’s rival for many years and so, you would imagine, he would be a suitable host replacement. Well, maybe to some. But others took some issue with his hosting style. That’s probably because it regularly answers the question “what would one of the aliens from ‘Space Quest’ be like if it were a robot made of wood?” That’s our Pat. That is, unless he is trying to endear himself to the guest. Then he becomes panicked, starts smiling too widely, uses vernacular he doesn’t understand and generally engenders slightly less comfort than a serial killer who has recently become on fire. Oh and then there’s Angry Pat, a man who emerges from nowhere and immediately starts pulling Frank-from-Blue-Velvet-style shapes at all and sundry. As always, don’t take my word for it. Here’s some videos from Pat Kenny’s stint on the “Late Late” and some from his new show “Frontline.”

So, clearly, this man is not a big fan of Pat Kenny. As you can see, he barely touches on whatever the subject of the show is before launching a personal attack on dear Pat. What is important about this clip from “Frontline” though is that it displays what I love most about Irish TV: the complete unwillingness to call security or cut away. Seriously, this show is the biggest current affairs show in Ireland, Pat Kenny is the highest paid man on Irish television and it takes them a good three minutes to get a potentially dangerous maniac to leave. I doubt security at RTE are inefficient though-it’s up to you whether or not you think RTE staff behind the scenes might enjoy seeing Kenny squirm.

You’ll also hear people regularly complain about Pat’s massive house, ridiculous salary and the time he went into court because an elderly person wouldn’t give him their field for free, allegedly. That’s pretty great right? He ended up having to buy it after the owner took him to court and alleged Kenny had come at him with “fists raised.” You’ll also see Kenny’s excellent improvisational skills: something key for a highly paid talk show host. Watch as he repeatedly says “thank you” in a bewildered haze, his eyes pleading for help like an elderly relative that’s soiled himself at a family reunion. That’s professionalism.

This isn’t staged. A man genuinely walked up to Pat Kenny in the middle of a live broadcast and loudly cursed him out, live on national TV. And although this man’s story is fascinating (his daughter is a researcher on the show, he later drove a car into the front of the TV studio where the “Late Late” is filmed) the real star is, of course, Pat. Once again, the signature “ehh…thanks…thank you” gets rolled out, much to the delight of all and sundry. A gracious man is Pat. Look at him, thanking an unhinged attacker even when he disrupted Pat’s excellent skit about a man kissing him on the face. That’s how TV is done friends, watch and learn.

But if you are a bearded pundit who offers Pat no plausible threat of physical violence: take heed. Don’t make mention of Pat’s ostentatious living arrangements in front of him. If you do, you should prepare to be subjected to such a concentrated burst of Pat Kenny Straight Gangsta Thuggin that an entire studio will look away simultaneously in fear and shame.

Pat is also often the sole architect of his own demise. If you thought Larry King’s time with Seinfeld was horrific, brace yourself. There’s no real way to describe this atrocity. Pat Kenny can’t even pronounce the Jerry Seinfeld’s name. He has no knowledge of Seinfeld’s movie or even, it seems, any understanding of the very idea of animation.

By the time Pat presents Seinfeld with the Superman toy, the show has entered some sort of Gaspar Noé-style psychedelic downward spiral from which logic and reason will never recover. And throughout this, Pat Kenny manages to not in any way be embarrassed. Instead, he affects a rakish air of bemused smugness, as if he were interviewing a monkey who had accidentally traveled to space.

Once again, Pat Kenny’s famous improvisational skill and sense of fun come to the fore. Granted, it is a bit weird this woman entered a competition she didn’t want to win. It also must be said that this woman is presented with a serious amount of swagger.

Cast your eyes to Pat though. He’s actually trying to have fun with it. But damn it all if the violent ticket ripping and its aftermath seem far more sinister than jolly. Presumably afterward Pat strode confidently offstage, toweled off and punched a baby repeatedly until either the child or Pat passed out.

Perhaps you’ve thought that I have been very mean. Maybe Pat Kenny is a good dude who is just misunderstood? Enjoy being wrong, as here’s a video of him telling an Irish child that he’ll need to use black face to be accepted as a break dancer in New York. He did not lose his job or this and there was almost no outcry. Ireland!

On Pat’s last show, in 2009, the Edge gave him a guitar. Which is fitting really. The most mediocre guitarist in the world presenting a guitar he can’t really play to the most mediocre chat show host in the world for a show he couldn’t present.

Sean McTiernan is 21, his favorite rapper is E40 and he only smokes when he’s drinking. He has a blog and a Twitter. So does everyone though. He also has a podcast on which he has a nervous breakdown once an episode, minimum. In other words: it’s great for the gym.

Here’s the perfect gift for the neurotic in your life: “A German toymaker has unveiled a controversial new range of animals which all have psychiatric illnesses…. ‘Patients’ from the Paraplush toy company include Dub the turtle with severe depression, Sly the snake who suffers from terrifying hallucinations, Dolly the sheep with a multiple personality disorder and a crocodile with an irrational fear of water.”

Friday: Destination: Out’s Loft/Lab

Things to do: The folks behind the great free jazz blog Destination: OUT are launching a new monthly concert series at Salt Space in Manhattan, aimed at recreating “the feel and excitement of the great jazz lofts of the 1970s. It’ll be a lab where adventurous musicians can try out new ideas, configurations, and compositions.” The first show, a celebration of Steve Lacy featuring Joe Giardullo and Harvey Sorgen, is this Friday. More details here.

by Abe Sauer

32) Tennessee Titans
31) Cincinnati Bengals
30) Indianapolis Colts
29) Arizona Cardinals

28) Carolina Panthers
27) Atlanta Falcons

26) Jacksonville Jaguars
25) Oakland Raiders
24) St. Louis Rams
23) San Diego Chargers
22) Chicago Bears

21) Detroit Lions
20) New York Giants

19) New York Jets
18) Seattle Seahawks

17) Denver Broncos

16) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
15) Houston Texans
14) Washington Redskins

13) Buffalo Bills

12) Dallas Cowboys
11) Philadelphia Eagles
10) Baltimore Ravens

9) New England Patriots
8) Minnesota Vikings
7) Miami Dolphins
6) New Orleans Saints
5) Kansas City Chiefs
4) San Francisco 49ers
3) Pittsburgh Steelers

2) Green Bay Packers
1) Cleveland Browns

Abe Sauer is apparently a Paul Brown enthusiast.