David Mamet “practices jujitsu, sometimes sparring with his rabbi at picnics.” Just thought I’d share that.

Does anything say Friday better than a video of Italian goats grazing on “a virtually vertical dam wall” soundtracked to a modified version of the cartoon “Spider-Man” theme? I believe the answer is no. Enjoy!

Should you so desire, you can catch the trailer for “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” here. Or you can read some background material.

This solicitation was recently received by a TV person out on the other coast. They say “leave an impression and you’ll get remembered!” I suppose that works even if the impression is rather creepy. For reasons of politeness, we’ve obscured this actor’s last name. (And to be fair, it’s not like my handwriting’s any good either, though it is less rapistey.) But if you’re interested in hiring this young man, let us know, and we’ll make contact!

“That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me. On that night of 12 May 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct.”
-Tony Blair’s My Journey has been nominated for the Literary Review’s Bad Sex Award.

Hey, if you’re looking for a babysitter for your infant bonobo ape, I know of someone. His name is Nyota. He’s a twelve year old male who graduated from Georgia State University. He lives in Des Moines, Iowa now, so car fare might present a challenge. But he has lots of experience caring for Teco, his fourth month old cousin, and excellent references.

“Nyota is an excellent babysitter,” said William M. Fields, director of scientific research at The Great Ape Trust

, the 230-acre research facility in Iowa where Nyota lives with six other bonobos, including Teco, and two orangutans. “What you are seeing is his experience and enculturation, his learning process. The effects of the social matrix Nyota grew up in at Georgia State University are being expressed in his adult form now here in Des Moines. He is able to treat this baby in the same manner that he was treated.”

Bonobos are highly eroticized apes, much less hung up on social taboos than humans or chimpanzees, so there’s a good chance Nyota will engage in sexual contact with any infant placed in his care. But, you know, as long as something like that doesn’t bother you.

You know what phrase I don’t use often enough? “Piece of piss.” (It means something that is very easy to do, e.g., “Writing a quicklink about the phrase ‘piece of piss’ is a piece of piss.”) Anyway, that all changes now. Get excited!

by Abe Sauer

• San Francisco Giants

• Minnesota Twins

• Los Angeles Dodgers

• St. Louis Cardinals

• Houston Astros

• Seattle Mariners

• Atlanta Braves

• Colorado Rockies

• Baltimore Orioles

• Tampa Bay Devils Rays

• Cincinnati Reds

• Milwaukee Brewers

• Kansas City Royals

• Toronto Blue Jays

• Washington Nationals

• Cleveland Indians

• Arizona Diamondbacks

• Florida Marlins

• Texas Rangers

• Oakland Athletics

• San Diego Padres

• Pittsburgh Pirates

Abe Sauer hates success.

“Reports of a baby being dangled from a bridge turned out to be mistaken — it was a dog.”
-Britain’s Greater Manchester Police conducted a pretty amazing demonstration yesterday in which they posted every incident they were called about to Twitter. (The entire thing is archived here.) We make a lot of fun of the British because of their bizarre, media-fostered paranoia about crime (and also because they are filthy savages) but reading through this list is a pretty good reminder of just how quotidian police work is in many places.

Have you heard Justin Beiber rap? He does, under the name “Shawty Mane,” over the beat from Harlem MC Vado’s recent hit “Speaking In Tongues.” Vado, it turns out, highly approves! “He killed it,” the Harlem rapper told the Daily News. “He sounded like B.I.G.”

For comparison’s sake, here’s what B.I.G. sounds like:

And here’s Vado’s original track, featuring his mentor Cam’ron: