Yikes: “A shortage of bears’ traditional food near the Arctic Circle has forced the animals to eat human corpses, say locals.”

I’ve made it well-known that I’m not a huge fan of children. So now that parents have been lulled by science and journalism into finally believing that “there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger’s Halloween candy,” I’m finally going to strike.

It’s not like I want to kidnap them, and keep them in my basement. (I don’t have a basement. Basements are for rich people and perverts.) Don’t go crazy: I just don’t like children. I’m not interested in molesting them, or anything gross and horrible like that. That’s terrible! After all, I don’t enjoy looking at them, much less touching them.

I’m not even willing to get in league with those other people this Halloween. The kiddy fiddlers, and the rest of them. Even though I know they’ve too been waiting for this moment of parental incaution — one we thought would take years more to arrive, what with the helicoptering of parents! Sure, I know you’d think we’d all be on the same team. But it doesn’t work like that.

Of course, I’m not interested in killing anyone’s children with poison. I mean, tops, I was sort of thinking just a mild tummy ache. Or! I could make some fake Skittles, that have the reverse flavor-to-color ratio. Like, you eat a yellow one, but it tastes blue.

Or maybe, maybe I could make candy mangoes, and tell the kids they’re candy apples, and then when they eat them, BAM. Surprise mango taste!

You know, just like when you think you’re about to drink milk, but it’s orange juice, and you’re all confused.

Killing them, sheesh! That’s not only really mean, it’s actually really shortsighted. If you think about it, we child-hating gay people need straight people to keep having children. It’s how we get more gays, for starters. (And given the death rate of gays, we need you to have a lot of them. It’s like with turtles.)

Apart from that, we know that straight people do a lot for us. Who will work at the DMV? Who will run the music magazines? Who will sell weed? Who will work at Walmart and Sam’s Club and pick up the garbage?

That’s what you’re raising your children to do, and honestly, me and the rest of the people who plan on preying on children this Halloween are appreciative! It’s an important job, and none of us can really knock it.

I bet it’s a lot of work too. You must be beat. Real tired. Tired enough to finally let your guard down on Sunday night. I’ll be the friendly neighbor at the front door, with the big bowl of junior Butterfingers. Except inside the wrappers will actually be butter.

“Chilean President Sebastián Piñera has apologized for writing the words ‘Deutschland Über Alles,’ a phrase frowned on in Germany because of its association with the Nazi era, into the official guest book of German President Christian Wulff during a visit to Berlin last week.”
 — Pinera, who was visiting to thank the German government for its help in rescuing the trapped miners earlier this month, said he didn’t realize the phrase was “linked to that country’s dark past.” We know what he was thinking: “I hate signing guest books, I never know what to say. There’s so much pressure to be funny or clever or whatever. I was like, Germany, Germany, what do I know about Germany? All I could think of was that Dead Kennedys song.”

Let’s talk sperm! Turns out your diet may be harming your swimmers.

Experts at Harvard Medical School in the US found men who consume lots of saturated fat and monounsaturated fat may have fewer sperm.

In contrast, those who eat healthier fats — specifically omega 3 and omega 6 — may have healthier sperm that is more active, the study suggests.

Saturated fat is found in processed meats such as bacon, sausages and ham, dairy and butter. Monounsaturated fat is found in items such as olive oil

Basically, the takeaway is this: That bacon-egg-and-cheese you had for breakfast this morning? Consider it birth control!

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Now-fired Rand Paul campaign worker Tim Proffitt wants an apology from the woman whose head he was forced to stomp yesterday. His point being, she’s a professional activist. You know, just like ACORN, or the NAACP, or “Americans for Prosperity,” or “FreedomWorks,” or Congress. Other people’s points being that Lauren Valle is an UNHINGED ATTACKER PAID ACTIVIST. (Calling her an attacker is an extreme distortion, of course, of what happened.) But it’s actually fascinating that the agitated right is now going after this woman, because her line of work is… mounting opposition to corporate fat cats. I mean, isn’t that at heart the Tea Party line? Except I guess when your Tea Party is funded by the Koch brothers. It’s all very confusing, except when it isn’t.

By way of one of our favorite blogs, Europopped — which is exclusively devoted to Europop, go figure — comes this recent video from Dennis (AKA Denise van Donselaar), who is the Netherlands’ slightly incoherent, disco-laden answer to Robyn.

“Liquid was deliberately thrown but the glass accidentally travelled through the air due to the glass having been made wet.”
 — Knifecrime Island defense attorney Stuart Driver argues that his client, “soccer badboy Andy Carroll,” did not intend to glass a man at a Newcastle nightclub, but was merely attempting to throw his drink at him when the glass slipped from his hand, slicing open a spot above the victim’s eye. Carroll plead to common assault and was fined £1,000.

I guess we’re all betting against the end of the world happening in 2012. In Avatar 2, that LED tree gets some kind of venereal disease and Jake Sully has to go into space to get some antibiotics. Or something like that.

by Willy Staley

Back in July, in assessing the sudden prominence of awful beverage Four Loko in rap, we decided that “rap songs about consumer goods will never be the same again.” But there were bigger things on the horizon for Four Loko. In New York, the Latin Kings forced their rape victim to chug 10 cans of Four Loko before torturing him. Out west, a bunch of Central Washington University students “over-dosed” on the drink. New Jersey’s Ramapo College has banned it from their campus. To put it mildly, and to stress the least important part of these stories, Four Loko has had a rough month for PR.

Fortunately, though, there’s still plenty of rap songs that are exclusively dedicated to the product. Unfortunately, in one case, from August — Fese’s “Four Loko” — just 40 seconds of song and video combine to remind you of all this negative press.

It’s almost too perfect. The video opens up with a bunch of young people passed out with Four Loko cans on their heads, which, according to CNN, is more or less how Roslyn, WA police found the CWU students, who were described as being almost dead.

And when the hook drops, well. “I go Loko on their ass” is not a great choice. Let’s just say that the hook takes on new meaning, in light of recent events in the Bronx that involve sodomy.

If Four Loko is paying for these rap songs, which it’s easy to believe, given that Fese et al are dropping the names of various flavors, they might want to introduce some new guidelines.

Or — better still — maybe it’s an experiment in viral subvertising, and Four Loko is making these horrible things happen. That would mean that Fese’s video is a calling card of sorts, like how Jay-Z tipped off monetary policy wingnuts to his secret agenda through occult imagery in his music videos.

Or maybe not. There’s really no way to prove it either way.

Willy Staley writes about federal urban policy for Next American City, and about Bay Area rap music (kind of) on Nation of Thizzlam.

The best part of Keith Richards’ Life (which, by the way, is phenomenally, shockingly enjoyable and also very sweet — the ending in particular makes you smile and tear up at the same time)? The chapter subheads that read like they’re right out of a Victorian novel. There’s a whole lot of awesome in this book. Strongly recommend!