“We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as ‘direct’ as it gets. I hope it doesn’t take another tragic death for SeaWorld to realize it shouldn’t frustrate these smart animals by keeping them in tanks.”
 — Tommy Lee has written a letter to SeaWorld president Terry Prather protesting the continued captivity and, umm, use, of Tilikum, the killer whale who killed a trainer at the park earlier this year. (This opens a PDF of the letter.) Freeing Tilikum into the ocean doesn’t seem like such a great idea either, I guess. Since he’d then soon be so chemically flame retardant. But, Jesus!

by Adam Frucci

TV is wonderful and full of so many delights these days! The second golden age of TV stretches on — we are spoiled with television’s wider scope and room to breathe, which allows characters to feel much more real than any movie could allow.

Which means there’s more good stuff on TV than any normal non-shut-in could possibly view at night, when all that TV is on. But it’s crazily easy to watch said good TV when and where you want — and when and where would be a better time and place than at work, provided you can get away with it?

We think you can. Quit staying up late to watch Sons of Anarchy and start procrastinating with a purpose at work, leaving your evenings to go out and be social. (Or stay in and watch even more TV. The world is your oyster, and I’m not here to judge.)

In order to become someone who is able to scam someone into paying you to watch TV at work, you need to formulate a plan. You also need to be willing to give up some things (possibly, for instance, career advancement).

First things first, you need to get comfortable with watching TV online. Here’s a relatively comprehensive list of places to stream TV online without resorting to piracy (piracy is often difficult to manage on a work computer, unless you work in one of those fancy offices with Apple computers, in which case, you’re gold).

The network sites are so-so: CBS, for example, is pretty stingy. Showtime most often only has random sample episodes — right now, they have about one episode each available of each of their shows. HBO Go requires you to sign up, but you can watch the entire second season of Bored to Death (now with more Office Space hero Ajay Naidu!) and a whole lot more. And at Comedy Central, you should know that all of “Strangers With Candy” is just sitting there waiting for you!

Obviously, Hulu is key: from “News Radio” to “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” there’s a wealth of TV in them there hills.

Knowing this, the first step is to figure out where you normally procrastinate during the day, be it at the coffee machine or on Tumblr. Isolate that, and then say goodbye to it. After all, you still need to do some work as to keep from getting fired.

So then once you’ve cleared up some time in your day, you need to squeeze that TV watching in there. If you work in a non-open plan office, this shouldn’t be too difficult. Obviously, if you work from home or have your own office, you’re set. Though here’s our rule: you get only 15-minute chunks with your DVR or Hulu or network of choice, as a reward for doing some real work. But still: those who work at home shouldn’t feel too bad. People who work in offices spend half their day running errands and shooting the breeze, so why shouldn’t you have a little break?

For people who work at the offices of real corporate entities, yes: your computer usage is very likely being monitored, if not net-nannied. You really want to get a sense of how closely you’re being watched. Are you being keylogged? It’s possible! Here’s a handy guide from the Privacy Rights Clearing House which explains your rights on the job, which, in short? You have very few. Basically you have a right to not have cameras record you… in the bathroom and that’s about it.

The best thing you can do at work to help yourself is to buddy up to the IT guys. Stop ignoring them and make them your pals. From them, you can get a sense at least of just how much digital privacy your company allows. (Their answers may surprise and even horrify you.)

For some, deep surveillance is a given. People in financial services — particularly people who get an annual document compliance review, in which case, well, at least you get a week off a year to watch TV at home! — need either a smartphone or a tablet device, not only to watch TV and browse the web but to access things like Gmail. The good news: it doesn’t freak out anyone too much these days to see someone in an open-plan office staring into their iPhone or even iPad at their desk.

For those in the ever-popular open-plan office, take a look at the sightlines to your computer. It helps to actually draw a little diagram! Turn around. Sit with your back to your computer and take a look at what you see from there. Well, that’s who can see around the back of your head to get a look at your screen.

In these cases, it’s best to get a little tricky. Obviously, you will be wearing headphones. You may have to resort to using a tiny stand-alone window for your TV viewing. There are also some important technological breakthroughs — for instance, Double Vision (Windows only), which makes your TV window transparent, and also has a quick-hide key combo.

But maybe you work in one of those horrible corners where people pop up behind you all the time? Then you’re basically hosed.

Or maybe not. Radical action time! The only plan left then is basically to watch TV on your phone, using headphones, in a bathroom stall. (I never claimed this plan would be without sacrifice!) It is a good idea to stick to the same 15-minute increments plan. Start slowly, watching a 22-minute sitcom in two sessions per day. Then you can slowly work your way up from there. See who notices your absences. Nobody? Great, you can probably squeeze in a full hour-long network show (really just 42 minutes!) or even a real full-hour HBO show in a day in the comfort of your private screening stall. Soon enough you’ll be all caught-up on “In Treatment.”

If you’re not comfortable camping out in the bathroom for hours a day, there are other ways to squeeze some viewing time in. Accomplices actually help! Reserve a conference room — or take over the breast milk pumping station! — and get some like-minded co-workers in on your con for some weekly screenings of a show you want to watch together. Remember: No one asks questions about people in the pumping station. Otherwise, you all can definitely come up with a boring-sounding yet plausible potential weekly meeting.

So: identify the challenges, be they technological, office culture-related or supervisory. Slacking off requires, ironically, doing some work around the restrictions of your workplace. But keep your eyes on the prize. If you don’t want it badly enough, you won’t make it happen.

This post brought to you by Xfinity from Comcast. The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Comcast or its partners.

Adam Frucci is the editor of Splitsider, where he watches TV all day long.

Most popular on HuffPo! You don’t say.

Here, allegedly, is Willie Nelson’s recipe for white bean chili. I am of the camp that believes beans have no place in chili, but you are all old enough to make your own decisions on the matter, so have at it. [Via]

The charity Cancer Research UK surveyed 2000 Britons about their fears, and found some surprising results.

When asked to choose what they feared most from a list including developing Alzheimer’s, being in debt, old age, being the victim of knife crime, cancer, being in a plane crash, motor neurone disease, being in a car accident, having a heart attack, losing your job and losing your home — more people (20 per cent) overall chose cancer than anything else.

What? Cancer more frightening than knife crime? How is this possible? I mean, look at the way the Sun chose to tease today’s story about the government’s reversal on automatic jail sentence for blade wielders. That knife is HUGE.

Look, we don’t call it Knifecrime Island because of the actual knife crime; we call it Knifecrime Island to mock a tabloid culture that attempts to inspire fear of an epidemic of lawlessness and stabbistry at odds with reality, where every article must be illustrated with a photo of a dagger-wielding yob in a hoodie. If people aren’t more afraid of knife crime than anything else then the British press is not doing its job. Must try harder. (Related: Doesn’t anybody worry about glassing anymore? I miss glassing.)

“More than a third of California’s African American public high school students dropped out before graduation day,” according to the just-released 2009 data. (The actual number: 37%.) The state’s superintendent of schools blamed this crazily outrageous number on cuts to schools; that, in part, “drastic cuts to summer school have prevented students from catching up on credits during the break.” Overall, about 1 in 5 students drop out over four years.

Last week, we watched Cyhi Da Prince rap on DJ Tony Touch’s radio show and discussed the evolution of the term “freestyle.” As if in response, Tony had Talib Kweli and Awl fave Freeway on yesterday, and they performed in the style that the legendary Big Daddy Kane would call off-the-dome, “when you don’t write it and just say whatever comes to mind.” Needless to say, rhymes off the dome are usually not as good as those more carefully written. (Freeway, displays this by starting off ad-lib, but finishing with memorized material.) Either way, as Talib says at the end, “What a treat, man.”

A quick note on how math and business works, regarding this: “Singer Jessica Simpson is on the fast track to becoming a fashion billionaire — her various clothing and beauty ventures have racked up a huge $750 million in sales in the last year alone.” Uh? “It’s hard to believe that Jessica Simpson is in fact a fashion powerhouse, sitting at the helm of a nearly $1 billion empire.” It is! Although to be fair to the reporters of WWD, it is fascinating that of all the celebrities who tried to cash in on fragrances and sunglasses, she’s the success. But yet one of the things about businesses is that they have “costs,” “profits” and some things called “net” and “gross”? And also? It’s not her company? So like, basically, do not be alarmed, tiny, tiny little-person Jessica Simpson is not a billionaire and that in any event this putative “billion dollars” (which is not a billion dollars) is from products made by companies (companies that also perpetrate the nightmare that is Tory Burch!) nested within companies to which she licensed her name for fees plus a few points.

“For every $1000 we raise via our pledge site, through the mail, or over the phone at 800–989–9368 on December 8th, we’ll fill a giant balloon with helium and tie it to Ken’s lawn chair. If we’re successful with this cash bomb, WFMU will raise $180,000 in just one hour, Ken will lift off, and Jersey City will quickly become the new Roswell.” (After the jump, due to autoplay!)

(via)

“Given the present findings, it’s now thought that sperm whales may be important sentinels of ocean health, revealing what organic pollutants persist in the marine environment. They may also provide information on specific regions of the Pacific, especially because females and juveniles tend to stay within a 621-mile range. Sierra Rayne of the University of Victoria and colleagues conducted earlier research on free-ranging orcas, also known as killer whales, and found evidence that they too retain pollutants. In this case, chemical markers for flame retardant compounds were detected in killer whale blubber biopsy samples.”
 — Great. Not only are we poisoning the ocean and filling the sea-creatures we like to eat with mercury, we’re making the ones that kill us fire-resistant.