I don’t know why you’d want to, but if you are eating vegetables, please do me a favor and rinse them very thoroughly before consuming them. They are covered in doody, and will probably give you an antibiotic-resistant strain of E. coli. Better to avoid altogether, or, if this is impossible, bread and deep-fry prior to eating.

Of all the hippie things in this world, one of the few we can totally get behind is the Dog Hair Yarn Movement, a group of people who are looming and knitting delightful things out of puppy sheddings. I do wish they were not calling it “chiengora,” a silly made-up word for dog yarn. (Still, this is a delightful sentence from that WSJ article: “Ms. Dodge also teaches a chiengora workshop at the Boulder yarn shop Shuttles, Spindles and Skeins.”) You can definitely get your chiengora thrills on Etsy, including this dog hat for dogs made out of dog. And this one! (Also dog sweaters made of dogs on dogs.) I won’t really be happy until there’s a local lesbian artisan who can skin and cure cat gloves out of cats though. For other cats! Let’s just do this!

“Andy, how do you deal with haters and competition in your field?
A: Just brush them off my shoulders. That’s usually how I do it.
What about you, Rick?
R: In my field, we shit on them. If you’re a hater we make you scared to show your face. It’s called success. Kills ’em every time. [Makes gunshot sound.]
A: Can you say I did the gunshot sound in the article too?”
 — Complex’s Joe La Puma interviews rapper Rick Ross and comedian Andy Samberg for the magazine’s summer issue. Which has a cover image spoofing Lou Feck’s 1978 poster for Jaws 2

— a terrific idea, even if it has sort of been done before.)

No matter where you come down on the great debate about men and shorts, I think we can all agree that these are entirely unacceptable. (But, you know, THEY ALL ARE.)

The problems with happiness are a recurring concern in these parts, and now comes further evidence to support our contention that joy is a terrible thing, particularly if you are a man looking to do sex to a lady:

Women find happy men significantly less sexually attractive than those who swagger or brood, researchers said today. They are least attracted to smiling men, instead preferring those who looked proud and powerful, or moody and ashamed, according to a study. In contrast, men are most sexually attracted to women who look happy, and least attracted to those who appear proud and confident.

As a quiet, moody fellow who is riddled with shame, I can only say that this is extremely good news. Now where are all the happy broads hanging out?

Photo by Jerry Reynolds, from Flickr.

“The forerunner of them all was Rolf, an Airedale terrier who ‘spoke’ through tapping his paw against a board, each letter of the alphabet being represented by a certain number of taps. He was said to have speculated about religion, learnt foreign languages, wrote poetry and asked a visiting noblewoman ‘could you wag your tail?’ The patriotic German dog even expressed a wish to join the army, because he disliked the French.”
 — Attend the tale of Tier-Sprechschule ASRA, the Nazi school for superior dogs, one of whom “was said to have uttered the words ‘Mein Fuhrer’ when asked who Adolf Hitler was.”

You’ve pretty much perp-walked yourself down a dark alley of the theoretical if you have to include the disclaimer “I, of course, consider rape and attempted rape as crimes,” Bernard Henri-Levy. Oh do you? That’s great.

But do keep reading his bizarre thoughts. Because after he mistakes New York tabloid front pages for “public opinion” (sure, he’s foreign, it’s confusing here) then he talks about “a kind of class justice in reverse.” Ooh, the ugly spectre of reverse classism! It’s incredible that this is France’s most famous thinker — he can barely think his way through a 900-word Daily Beast blog post.

Hey Mac user, I’m sorry to inform you that you’ve got one less thing to be smug about: “Apple has long boasted of the Mac’s immunity to viruses and malware. But the computers, once marketed as more secure than those running on Windows software, are facing an increased threat from criminals because of their popularity. Online security experts have warned that Macs are now a more attractive target for hackers due to the rising number of people who choose them over a PC.”

“The last three years have been a contrarian’s delight — just when you expect the bananas to hit the fan.”
 — Oh my God, right? Although in this case specifically, that is UC Berkeley law professor Frank Zimring, expressing his pleasure that violent crimes are hugely down in the U.S., despite massive unemployment and recession and fewer (well, comparatively fewer) people in prison. Yes it’s true! The people are finally satisfied with the reality TV programming, so now there be less hurting of everybody up in here. Speaking of! The two NYC police officers on trial for rape? The case is now on the fifth day of jury deliberations, and the jury has asked to hear the victim’s testimony read. What does that generally mean again, lawyers?

11 Name Suggestions For Winnipeg’s New Hockey Team

There’s nothing more exciting in sports than a team relocation. We haven’t experienced a North American Sports Franchise moving since the Seattle Supersonics became the Oklahoma City Thunder. And although it was a bummer for Grunge City, it all worked out for the best because now they’re an awesome team with a college basketball level of excitement! The NHL last experienced the excitement of a franchise move when the Whalers left Hartford for the less Connectictut-y pastures of Tobacco Alley, where they were dubbed “The Carolina Hurricanes.” And won a Stanley Cup. I someday hope to bring the beloved Whale back to Hartford myself, once I’ve saved up the money. Hockey teams in the South are a little like winning college football programs in the North. It seems a little out-of-place. But a winner is a winner.

Sadly, the city of Atlanta has not taken to their expansion Atlanta Thrashers with the same level of excitement. The Thrashers, a playoff team in 2007, drew a mere 13,469 to its home games this year. Only two teams were lower: the NHL-owned Phoenix Coyotes and my beloved New York Islanders. (Would you go to the middle of Long Island to see a hockey game? Maybe if your actual favorite team was in town — or you wanted to do laundry at your mother’s house afterwards.) So, it seems the Thrashers will be on the move, back to Winnipeg, which was once the home of the Winnipeg Jets.

There is quite a conversation going on about what the team should be named. The NHL, which owns the former Jets (now the Coyotes), still owns the name “The Jets” and would probably charge for use of it. The AHL team currently playing in Winnipeg and owned by True North Sports is called the Manitoba Moose. Just slips right off the tongue, don’t it? Other names have been bandied about, none of which seem to quite fit a NHL team.

Part of the fun of team’s abandoning their cities for new cities is the wild speculation that goes on about names and jerseys and such. Which I shall now take part in. I have never been to Winnipeg nor met anyone from Manitoba. And I don’t remember ever watching an NHL game set there. But that only makes me All The More Suitable to come up with the perfect nickname and jersey for Winnipeg’s new team. I am unbiased. I just like wearing cool Hockey Jerseys and pretending to have a Canadian Accent.

Winnipeg True North: This was my first and probably best idea. It’s all down hill from here. The name of the people buying the Thrashers is True North. “True North” shows up in the Canadian National Anthem. Which is a great song, by the way. And everyone in the crowd at Winnipeg could shout “TRUE NORTH!!” when they came to that section of the song, like how people in Baltimore emphasize the O’s in “The Star-Spangled Banner.” And it just sounds cool. I think the magnetic poles are supposed to reverse in 2012, so I don’t know if Canada will technically still be True North or if they’ll actually be True South by then, but no one seems to notice that this is happening, so whatever.

Manitoba Echo: They seem to want to include the entire province in the name of the team. And, in general, two-syllable words are best for sports nicknames, so you can do the whole “Let’s Go Blank Blank” Thing. And this team is like an Echo of the old Winnipeg Jets. Except hopefully they will win.

Winnipeg Bunnies: Rabbits, in general, are underrepresented in North American sports nicknames. Which is weird, because rabbits are fast. And if they’re like Bugs Bunny, they are also smart and funny. I’d choose a nice pink costume for them. Pink is underrepresented in the NHL, too. And if you combine Pink and Black, like the Palermo FC footballers of the Italian League, the results are both striking and bold.

Manitoba Musk Ox: I’m not sure that Musk Oxes actually live in Manitoba, but they are cool-looking rasta oxes. Other possible Mammal names: Winnipeg Wapiti, Manitoba Moose, Winnipeg Wildebeests, Manitoba Narwhal.

The Canadian Unicorns: Like the Golden State Warriors, who play in Oakland, but did not want to bear the name of that city on their jerseys, the Canadian Unicorns could be a team for The Rest of Canada. A team for all the cities without teams in that Hockey-crazed neighbor of ours. Plus, unicorns are so awesome.

Winnipeg Vampires: No other Sports Franchise has cashed in on the Huge Vampire Market. I see huge potential in a team that piggybacked on all this Twilight nonsense. From Vampire t-shirts to fake teeth! Especially if this Winnipeg team was going to be bad: T-shirts and bags-to-be-worn-over-heads that say “Winnipeg Vampires Suck!” Isn’t that cute, what I did there? Yeah. Totally.

Manitoba Killer Robots: They don’t have to be Killer Robots to be tough. Somehow Robots have been ignored as sports nicknames. And don’t you know all the nerds in the world would be buying this jersey? Aw, yeah. Go, nerds.

Manitoba Nia Vardaloses: Did you know that “Big Fat Greek Wedding” lady actress was from Manitoba? She is the only celebrity from there I had ever heard of.

Winnipeg Jets: Like 65% of those polled just want to call them the Jets. C’mon! That’s so boring! Get over it! This is a new start! A fresh beginning. Winnipegians, we can do better!

Winnipeg Winners: You are what you say you are. And if they call themselves “The Winners” maybe they shall be Winners. It would be bad if they called themselves “The Winners” and never won. I don’t know what would happen then, something weird. My parents used to buy me Sears Brand Winners sneakers and even though they were called Winners, I did not feel like a Winner. So maybe no on Winners.

Winnipeg Who: To many, Winnipeg is just a former Industrial City in Central Canada with no personality. Let’s embrace the unknown enigma that is Winnipeg, what do you say? If you were watching hockey with your mom she could say, “Who are the Bruins playing?” And you could say “The Who.” And she’d be like “???” Or your buddy could ask you what the score was and you could say “Who 2 Rangers 1.” And he’d be like “???” Also, I can see them blasting “Whoooo Are You? Who! Who! Who! Who!” over the loud speakers after goals. Or doing the Mick Jagger “Sympathy for the Devil” “Whooo! Whooo!”

Do the right thing, Winnipeg. Next I’ll my Franchise Changing powers on the New Jersey Nets, who will be moving to Brooklyn in 2012. I’m thinking Brooklyn Knights. Or the Fighting Knishes.

Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.