In Miami we braced for a hurricane every year or two, latching down the Bahama shutters, stocking up on canned goods, and filling the bathtubs with water. But as storm after storm fizzled out or swept off to ravage the Gulf Coast or the Carolinas, we started to feel cocky and impervious. The big one didn’t strike until I was away at school, when Andrew rolled in.

My mom’s house, miles and miles from the ocean, wasn’t supposed to be particularly at risk, but with a storm of that magnitude, wherever you live, you board up the windows and hunker down and pour a drink, get high or pray your ass off. If you’re far away, you keep calling home. That’s what I did, at least. In the background the storm barreled and screamed; my sister’s voice got lower and lower with dread; at some point the plywood covering a sliding-glass door ripped away and my stepfather pushed back against the bucking glass, with his hands, to keep it from breaking (never, ever do this) until they could get the kitchen table braced against the door. Unlike a good third of our neighborhood (I’m estimating), my family was lucky: the house stayed standing. But I have friends who watched their windows break and their roofs fly off and their possessions became projectiles. Some cowered in bathtubs; others fled to strangers’ apartments. One of my favorite people in the world tried to weather the storm in a houseboat and later washed up in a canal.

Hurricane Irene, now churning toward us, is only projected to be a Category 1 (to Andrew’s 5) at landfall, and could easily change course or die down like so many before. But you can’t count on that, and even if it looks like the storm is going to hit someplace else, or is continuing to weaken, be wary. Camille and Katrina and Charley are proof that no one, the National Weather Service included, really knows what a hurricane is going to do until it’s done it.

As New York City’s Office of Emergency Management establishes, hurricanes with sustained winds of 74 mph or greater are nothing to make light of. As of now, we are officially under a hurricane watch, which means we need to complete preparations as quickly as possible. Here’s what you can do to get ready, and to protect yourself if the storm gets bad.

Low-lying areas: Take a look at the city’s flood map. If you’re in an evacuation zone and you can go stay with friends or family, do so now. If this isn’t possible, if the city issues an evacuation order, go stay at a storm shelter. Do not try to ride out the storm of this scale and strength in, for example, Dumbo or west Williamsburg — or your houseboat. And don’t wait too long to get out; Governor Cuomo just announced an emergency plan that requires the MTA (including the subway) to shut down at noon Saturday. Take your “go bag” (see below) and get the hell out of the East Village.

At the store: Buy bottled water, one gallon per person per day. Stock up on ready-to-eat, non-perishable foods, like canned soups, peanut butter, crackers, dried fruit, nuts, chocolate and pretzels. You’ll probably want liquor, and, if you smoke, cigarettes, and make sure to have plenty of kibble on hand for your pets. Get a bag or two of ice (or make as much as you can) for your freezer. It could prevent food from going bad if your electricity goes out for only a short while.

If you don’t have flashlights (LED strongly preferred) and a battery-or-crank-operated radio, get them. As of yesterday, J&R; was still selling a two-in-one with a USB port and solar charge capability. A dedicated solar charger is probably a good idea. You’re also going to need a lot of batteries, because the power could be out for a while.

You’ll also want a first-aid kit and to fill your prescriptions. Take out cash and try to break it down to small bills.

The city has a more succinct list that includes, in addition to the things mentioned above: a whistle; iodine tablets or one quart of unscented bleach (for disinfecting water only if directed to do so by health officials) and eyedropper (for adding bleach to water); hygiene items like soap, tampons, toothbrush and toothpaste; a phone that doesn’t rely on electricity; and “child care supplies or other special care items.”

Outdoors: If you have an outdoor space, tie down your gas grills and your propane tanks and whatever else you can’t move. Bring everything else indoors.

If you have storm shutters, as the city for some reason appears to think we all do, by all means use them. Some people say not to bother taping your windows, that it doesn’t help, but FEMA recommends taping to reduce the danger of flying glass, and my mother and stepdad believe tape helped save their hides in Hurricane Andrew. Close your blinds and curtains.

Indoors: Assemble your “go bag.” The city recommends that you put into a backpack or something similar:
• Copies of your important documents in a waterproof and portable container (insurance cards, photo IDs, proof of address, etc.);
• A set of keys
• Credit and ATM cards and cash, especially in small denominations (ideally at least $50-$100)
• Bottled water and non-perishable food such as energy or granola bars
• Flashlight
• Battery-operated AM/FM radio and extra batteries
• Your medications
• Very basic toiletries
• First-aid kit

Fill pitchers, large bowls, bathtubs and sinks with water, not just for drinking, but so you’ll be able to wash up and flush the toilet if the water supply is disrupted.

Turn your refrigerator to the highest setting. If you bought ice, put it in the freezer. I also fill freezer-safe containers with water and stow them in gaps to help keep things cold.

Brace doors to the outside. (I’m sure there’s a better way to do this, but, in a pinch: my mother said that she and my stepfather nailed criss-crossing 2x4s into the molding of the exterior doors and then filled in the holes and repainted later.)

If you have time, you might want to put a few of your most beloved or fragile possessions or electronics into plastic bags, in case water gets in somehow.

Pets: “Legal pets with proper identification” are allowed into NYC shelters. I’m not sure what happens if you show up with your cat or dog but without your vet records, and it’s too depressing to think on that for long, so I’ll just refer you to OEM and FEMA information about pet preparedness.

The storm itself: Some people say not to bother taping your windows, that it doesn’t help, and the Times says, “Residents riding out the storm should not tape windows; it does more harm than good, federal officials say,” but a disaster-preparedness expert on “The Brian Lehrer Show” this very morning recommended taping to reduce the danger of flying glass, and my mother and stepdad believe tape helped save their hides in Hurricane Andrew. So make a decision about that. Close your blinds and curtains.

An interior bathroom, particularly one with a bathtub, is the safest place in the house. If a window breaks, go in there. And it probably won’t come to this, but interior stairwells are generally the best place to be in an apartment building, if it’s compromised. Lower down is better — assuming flooding isn’t a danger. (FEMA has more advice.)

If you’re in a high rise, be prepared to move to a lower floor. Mayor Bloomberg keeps saying that city high-rises were built to withstand high winds, and that’s probably true, but I wouldn’t want to hang out in the penthouse if things get shaky. The wind will be more severe on upper floors.

Do not, under any circumstances, use candles or kerosene lamps while the storm is in progress. If you lose a window, the wind can knock things over and spread flames quickly, and the fire department can’t help in the midst of a hurricane.

And as FEMA says, “Do not be fooled if there is a lull; it could be the eye of the storm — winds will pick up again.” More feel-good news from Mom: “the storm is HUGE (450 mi. across) and moving slowly and the larger and slower the storm, the longer it takes to die down.” Even afterward, venture outside with care. Debris could be obscuring downed or uprooted live power lines.

Or, if this is all too much for you, Fucked in Park Slope and Choire have more low-key advice. Stay safe, everyone.

Maud Newton is a writer and critic best known for her blog, where she has written about books since 2002.

Photo by A. Strakey.

Olsen Caught With Handbag! What Does It Mean?

You may or may not have heard about this, but last month one of the Olsen twins was photographed with a handbag. I’m not making this up. And this is not like those other times that one of the Olsen twins was photographed with a handbag. No, forget about all those Yves Saint Laurents, Balenciagas and Chanels (as shown here). This specific handbag on this specific Olsen (Ashley) was an as-yet unreleased handbag from The Row, the Olsens’ own fashion line. Additionally, this specific handbag retails at $39,000.

No, I’m not lying. Not only was it on the Internet, it was all over the Internet: A picture of an Olsen walking, head down, aviators on, the crocodile backpack in question slung purse-style over one shoulder.

Whatever the strategy was intended to do, it worked. I conducted a highly scientific poll of friends and acquaintances, waitresses and baristas, as well as my wife, and three-quarters of those polled had heard of the specific $39K item. This was an event that captured some portion of the national attention span, at least of the fashion-minded. And a universally held sentiment was, “How much?” It’s a fascinating little dollop of not-quite news, containing as it does elements relevant to everyone: celebrity, economics and things in which you carry other things.

$39,000 is, as they say, a lotta cabbage. Not only is it as much as you could expect to pay for a European luxury handbag, like, say, a Birkin, it’s also the median household income for the 7th Congressional District of Wisconsin, which happens to be currently represented by Sean Duffy, who you might remember not only from “Real World: Boston” but also as having famously complained that it was difficult for him to make ends meet on his $174,000 salary (on which salary he could only afford four The Row Crocodile Backpacks per year). Think of it as a happy accident, or a confluence of unrelated but meaningful data — short of, “Let them eat cake,” but approaching.

Duffy, however, was hoisted by the petard of his own carelessly spoken words. The story of the very expensive backpack — a public figure, a product and a dash to the hired car — is a different story, a by-product of the gossip industry. Celebrity is now an opiate of the masses, and many, many people are employed tracking their every moves, for the various gossip outlets that seemingly make up half of each of the television/print/digital media. We all know this, and that knowledge does not lessen celebrity’s narcotic appeal. It could be Hollywood royalty, it could be a TV drama star, or even a failed reality-show contestant — celebs are tracked and documented to the extent that it makes you wonder if any of it is not staged.

Take for example Ashley’s Handbag Perpwalk. Note that all of the links to this story cited above focus on the bag, and who is selling it and how much it costs. Note also that the bag, in the photos, is without logo and price tag. Not that its make is unidentifiable, just not readily so. How this ordinarily works is that the story is the work product of a publicist. This is conjecture, but most likely the publicist of Ashley, or more likely of The Row, contacted a site or two and alerted them that the bag carried by Ashley in that photo that just hit the wires is in fact an exclusive new handbag that is manufactured by Ashley’s own line and retails for an awful lot of money! News manufactured, as the story makes its memetic way across the Internet. Accordingly, handbag duly publicized. So the Handbag Perpwalk is not intended to be a conspicuous display to a nation that is living paycheck to paycheck, but rather as an advertisement. Of course, the advertisement is aimed at the same discretionary income-less nation — which may make you wonder if that is such a shrewd move after all, lodging a shiny object in the hearts of a bunch of people who absolutely cannot afford it. Not to spoil it, but it is a shrewd move.

***

Ashley and Mary-Kate are not exactly new at this game, but they (or whatever team it is that comprises the entity that is “the Olsens”) are relatively recent arrivals to the world of high-end luxury accessories. Post “Full House,” they quickly leveraged their ABC TGIF popularity into a cottage industry of dolls, chapter books and other merchandise aimed at the fans roughly the same age as the Olsens (who were born in 1986). In 2001, their marketing and licensing company entered into a deal with Walmart for tween apparel and accessories, and the line expanded to juniors in 2006. It was during this time that the twins began to be known for their fashion sense (or “bag lady chic,” depending on the beholder). In 2007, the Olsens started another brand, The Row, which was intended to differentiate from the Walmart labels. Initially they vended apparel and accessories, all designed to reflect the personal style of the Olsens. But even though The Row has been in existence five years now, the Olsens’ long association with Walmart may be the source of some of the dissonance when a $39,000 handbag gets floated: Walmart and luxury are not exactly concepts that are friendly neighbors.

There’s some skepticism within the industry regarding the cachet of the Olsens. I asked a fashion director of a luxury media outlet (who wished to go unnamed), of what she thought of the Ashley Handbag Perpwalk: “My initial reaction is to roll my eyes,” she said. “Not because I don’t think the bag is worth $39,000. Gucci’s price point is higher this fall because materials are more expensive and the details they’ve chosen are more intricate, however, they have earned the right to a higher price point. I roll my eyes because the Olsen twins are cocky and vain and their bags are too.”

The sentiment is by no means universal. Reporter Dana Thomas, author of Deluxe: How Luxury Lost Its Luster, sees nothing to stop The Row from taking a place alongside accepted high-end houses. “Plenty of luxury brands are doing the opposite, designing for H&M; or Target,” says Thomas. “The lines between high and low are already very blurred. Since the Olsens have a strong fan base — many with money to burn — they can make that leap. From a business standpoint it would be dumb for them to do otherwise.”

That’s a fair point. While the country is gripped in recession and the retail industry generally is not seeing a lot of growth, luxury retail is having a good go of it, with luxury goods “flying off the shelves.” Granted, that bit of data predates the most recent wild instability of the stock market, but it’s a symptom of what everyone knows but rarely says out loud: the recession is not evenly distributed, and the upper classes, the “rich”, are dancing through the recession relatively unscathed. And as the big dip of 2008 recedes in the rear view, even humility is not stopping the wealthy from consuming again, without the slashed prices and promotions that the middle of the retail sector (Macy’s, Sears) has to resort to in order to keep sales from falling.

The Row has a relationship with the department store Barneys, which is now in the middle of a mild retool aiming at the higher end of the luxury market. And as of now, the partnership is a successful one for the parties involved, as The Row merchandise is moving well. “Barneys is a retailer that is known for taking on new designers with an edge. I don’t think there is anything wrong with Barneys taking a risk like this,” says the fashion director.

And even if the success of the $39,000 handbag does not lead to a years-long waiting list, The Row will be in a comfortable position. While the bag in question would carry a NYC sales tax more than most make in a month, it’s the top-of-the-line model. The first bags to be released cost more like $4,000. That’s still a lot of money, but much closer to the amount that a young fashionista could afford. And how better to participate in the casual, meticulous style of the Olsens, as evinced by the Ashley Handbag Perpwalk, then by purchasing one that’s an eighth the cost?

***

What is the mechanism that will inform the new generation of overconsumers have heard about this aspirational opportunity? Gossip sites, and the daily browses thereof. It’s ingenuous, actually. And I’m not making the argument that handbags should not cost so much money. I’m not a luxury goods fellow myself, but that doesn’t mean no one gets to be. I gave a recent issue of The Robb Report a peruse, and was shocked by the number of full-page ads for wristwatches. It struck me as funny, as a mundane object to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on. But it’s a signifier, denoting that the wearer is truly a successful man. Same goes for handbags. And if these signifiers are popular, whether watches or knapsacks, it’s not anybody’s business but customer zero.

But what The Row is doing, capturing marketing bandwidth by exploiting a culture’s already unhealthy fascination with celebrity, is notable, both for what it says about their business acumen and about consumers — a mute acceptance (if not glorification) of the concept of buying a $39K bag, a fetishization of wealth that is passive and counter-intuitive and responsible for so much personal indebtedness as normal folk spend beyond their means to purchase the lower-end-but-still-exorbitant versions of wealth-signifiers that our celebrity class sport.

It’s a predictable result of what Thomas writes about in her book: luxury is not what it used to be, and the exclusivity that used to exist amongst the labels that were once literally unobtainable by anyone other than the fabulously wealthy is now being wielded as a come-on to increase the profits across the board. “Yes, of course the Olsens are trying to elbow their way into the luxury market,” Thomas said. “And shouldn’t they? It’s mega big business. Like McDonald’s: billions sold, billions earned.”

Brent Cox is all over the Internet.

Photo by AshleyCooper.

Bitches, man: “They may already be used to complaints about blunt razors from boyfriends or husbands, but women who shave their legs in the shower now face criticism from environmentalists.”

Although we’re currently only at a 30% chance of sustained winds in excess of 58 miles per hour in Brooklyn, and the weather forecast for the 11211 currently only says “gusts up to 85 mph” for Sunday, it’s still not a terrible idea to be prepared. Some thoughts for you!

• A device that creates light. As you likely know, the light in your home comes from “electricity.” In Brooklyn, much of your electric comes into your townhouse by way of above-ground electrical lines. (You can call your contractor and ask about this if you like; he won’t return your call.) Those lines are often disturbed in high winds, due to trees and such. So it might be worthwhile to get a battery-powered lamp or some such, like a flashlight even. N.B. If you order a cute little electric generator on Amazon it will not arrive prior to the storm, no matter how much you yell at Fedex. Pro tip: fire can also be used to create light. (Use sparingly.)

• A hard-sided cat carrier. Not just for cats anymore! Should you need to transport your baby in the storm, your natural-cloth Baby Bjorn carrier is not going to protect little Chavley, Simon or Clementine against the elements. Stuff that kiddo in a cat carrier and he’ll be as safe as can be. (Bonus: floats a bit.)

• Did you also know that the internet in your house is powered locally by electricity? It’s not impossible that you could be without the internet this weekend. That also means Netflix and even television, if you still watch that. (It also likely means a lack of VOIP phone service.) Prepare for the weekend and its aftermath with “paper books” and even board games. (Try a deck of cards, yes.)

• Food. There will likely be no delivery of food to your home, and you may be forced to create or assemble edibles yourself. If you go to your fridge right now and you see eight yogurts, half a loaf of hemp bread and a deli box of cut fruit, that is not actually food. But: get some food that does not require electricity to create; your “stove” may require it to create heat. (N.B. Remove shoes and/or papers from stove before using.)

• Don’t worry about the homeless people. They’ll take shelter in drains and sewers!

• Hey, you know what else runs on electricity in your home? The hot water in your shower. Surprise! (Also? Your iPhone will stop charging.)

• One other thing to note about this is… exactly how long do you think it’ll take for the City to restore power lines if they go down all over Brooklyn and Queens? I’m putting that at about two to six weeks. Just a thought!

• Move your hard drives up to the second floor. What if you lost all your early design work from RISD?

• Be creative!

Well, we’ve filled up all our empty Prime Meats growlers with water. #irene #brooklyn #yuppiescumFri Aug 26 12:43:43 via web

Abby Aguirre
abby_aguirre

• You should know that gravity causes water to move downwards, such as toward your basement.

• People who will not help you this weekend include: your nanny, the folks at 311, cab drivers, the trash guys, your neighbors, your cleaning lady, bus drivers, people on Twitter, the people who sit in the subway stations and give directions to tourists because they have a really good union (who will not even be there anyway once the subway shuts down tomorrow), the pot delivery guy whose number you got from a friend “just in case,” the really nice barista you see every morning and strangers on the street. They have problems of their own, and you are, at last, on your own.

Photo by Mattijs Grannetia

Here is the new video for Beyonce’s great song, “1+1.” It’s pretty much the same video as the old video for Billy Idol’s great song “Eyes Without a Face.”

Why We Should Not Build Self-Conscious Robots

“We should not unnecessarily increase the amount of conscious suffering in the universe.”
 — Philosopher Thomas Metzinger of Johannes Gutenberg University in Mainz, Germany, on his call for “an immediate moratorium on efforts to make robots with emotions until ethics are properly discussed,” as reported by Virginia Hughes at The Last Word On Nothing. We should also not make robots with emotions because they would probably sound like Drake.

“According the model, a hurricane with wind speeds of about 100 miles per hour — making it a ‘weak’ Category 2 storm — might cause on the order of $35 billion in damage if it were to pass directly over Manhattan…. Although far from the most likely scenario, this may represent a reasonable-worst-case estimate of what could happen if Hurricane Irene took exactly the wrong turn at exactly the wrong time…. Keep in mind that New York’s annual gross domestic product is estimated to be about $1.4 trillion — about one-tenth of the nation’s gross domestic product — so if much of the city were to become dysfunctional for months or more, the damage to the global and domestic economies would be almost incalculable.”
 — Yes sure, but one thing that America’s statistics boyfriend Nate Silver neglects to mention in his review of the costs of hurricanes is that… these are the kind of natural disasters that are good for America in a more fundamental way than the often a bit false economies perpetrated by cities like New York. They create thousands of jobs, put people back to work and drain the bloated coffers of the insurance companies. A good natural disaster has been shown to be, setting aside, you know, the people who die and/or lose everything of personal value, absolutely great for the country.

A Glossary Of Scientific Terms As Compiled By The GOP Candidates

by Claire Zulkey

Recently, several GOP presidential candidates have been quite vocal with their opinions on evolution vs. intelligent design. If Rick Perry sees evolution as a theory with “some gaps in it” and Michele Bachmann maintains that there can be “reasonable doubt on both sides” and Ron Paul, as a creationist, simply “doesn’t accept” evolution occurred, you may well be curious about how they view other scientific theories and phenomena. Here’s a primer we recently uncovered!

Gravity: The force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or the weight pressed upon each of us by a thousand angels sitting on our heads? You decide.

Centripetal force: Some say this force is what makes a body follow a curved path, but there’s enough reasonable doubt out there to allow for another theory, which is that God’s just giving you a great big hug.

The Law of Conservation of Mass: Proof that abortion is wrong.

Periodic table: You may have been led to believe that the periodic table is something a bunch of fancy pointy-headed scientists came up with, but deep down in their hearts, many know that it’s actually a long-forgotten appendix to the Bible.

Plate tectonics: Large-scale motions of Earth’s lithosphere or the Earth doing a happy dance to celebrate its creation? Both can be true.

Black holes: Baby Jesus’ cute dimples.

Speed of light: Light travels at 299,792,458 meters per second — which, incidentally, is exactly the amount of time it takes a phone call from Earth to reach Heaven.

Thermodynamics: A branch of physics concerned with the complex effects of work, heat and energy on a system? Or is it God’s sweet warm breath? You’re smart enough to know which one is right.

Theory of Relativity: None of our business.

Claire Zulkey lives in Chicago. You can learn so much more about her here.

Image by NASA.

You probably already knew that New York State is now a totally different state, called Of Emergency. Enjoy your emergency powers! They give you the right to steal, cheat on your spouse, block traffic, be mean to babies and make fun of people on the street. IT’S AN EMERGENCY, I HATE YOUR BLOUSE.