Have you seen Eyes Wide Shut recently? It really might be worth going back to revisit. No, of course not, why would anyone want to subject themselves to that more than once? Instead, watch this new video from the lovely Florence and her Machine. It’s pretty great in how it goes from masquerade to occult seance to Jewish wedding in the span of one party. It would be fun to go back and read John Fowles’ The Magus again, too. If you’re into that kind of stuff. And of course, all of this is right in time for Halloween, which is when Florence’s new album, Ceremonials, comes out.

“A motorist was caught driving while using a laptop, writing down the answers to a quiz on the radio and drinking coffee all at the same time. The behaviour was observed during a crackdown on distracted drivers by Hampshire police, with other offences including a man eating a pear with a knife while driving and motorists using mobile phones.”

You know that moment when, having been jammed up against the door in a crowded car, you sense your station approaching and pivot to face front and suddenly see yourself in the harsh, unflattering reflection of the train window and are forced to confront all that you are, the sad lump of skin and meat that you carry with you each day and are mostly successful at not thinking too much about? That near-simultaneous feeling of disgust (“Oh, God, you”) and resignation (“I guess this is what I’ve got left to work with from now on”) and the wearying comprehension that the difference between who you think you are and who you’re really hauling around in the eyes of everyone else can be plotted on a graph to express the number of days you have left in this world? You don’t? Liar. Anyway, there oughta be a German word for that! I mean, there probably already is, but I mean something a little more specific than “leben.”

Photo by nivekhmng, via Flickr

New Jersey governor Chris Christie will hold a press conference at 1 PM today in which he will announce his future plans, which almost certainly include a couple of stromboli and plate of cannoli. Because he’s fat.

The last great season of “The Simpsons” was the seventh, which ended back in 1996. There is no disputing this. It is not even the fault of the makers of “The Simpsons”; seven years is probably about as long as anything can go before it starts to feel stale and repetitive, a problem the show itself acknowledged with the “Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie” episode of the mediocre eighth season. (This problem can occasionally be avoided; a good example is “Cheers,” which essentially got a fresh start in its sixth season, and bought itself a few more years of creativity.) So the news that the show may finally be near the end feels a little overdue, no? They should have wrapped it up before they did that stupid Rodney Dangerfield episode.

Now you can get your Grantland blog posts from August in book form, to be delivered in November, for $19.95, with “a cover that looks and feels like you’re holding a football.” Only 81 shopping days until Christmas!

Director Robert Wilson turns 70 today. His resume is far too extensive to get into here, but if you have time to watch this documentary about Einstein on the Beach it is available

in three installments here.

Leroy Smith challenged [Republican state Sen. Scott Beason] to pick a bucket full of tomatoes and experience the labor-intensive work.

Beason declined but promised to see what could be done to help farmers while still trying to keep illegal immigrants out of Alabama.

Smith threw down the bucket he offered Beason and said, “There, I figured it would be like that.”

OH, SNAP. RUN AND TELL YOUR ADORABLE LITTLE WHITE BABY, SCOTT BEASON, YOU GOT BURNED. In other news about Alabama’s new (and thoroughly illegal) immigration laws, the first immigrant sent off for “indefinite detainment”… actually had legal U.S. status. Oopsies! Also here are the five brave women (FIVE!) who showed up outside the courthouse in Birmingham to demonstrate yesterday. (And here are the 80 who showed up to protest outside of Beason’s church on Sunday.) THERE, I FIGURED IT WOULD BE LIKE THAT.

by Sylvie Greenberg

This past Saturday, I drove across town to the Beverly Hilton, home to the Golden Globes and the Clive Davis Pre-Grammy Party — and thanks to John Edwards, a hallowed place in National Enquirer history. There I would take my place along with the so-called red carpet “puparrazi” for the American Humane Association’s Hero Dog Awards. How could I not go? Carson Kressley was hosting, Betty White was judging, and the dogs themselves were going to walk the red carpet. My only regret was that I didn’t have some sort of dog-themed accessory to wear; leaving the house, I felt woefully underdressed without a dachshund brooch or a Scottie hat pin. These are the feelings the awards bring out in a person.

On the Hero Dog website, the American Humane Association claims that “every dog is a hero.” Now, we know this is not true! Some dogs are heroes and some are most definitely not. My family has owned several loving, non-heroic dogs. Though non-hero status is mostly an owner’s fault, I think, since every dog could be a hero if given the chance. And of course, the American Humane Association knows this too; they just say the other thing to be polite and to get people to adopt dogs, a goal we can all obviously get behind.

Incidentally, there were several non-hero dogs in attendance at the awards. At one point, I heard a PR lady telling a camera person, “THAT’S not a hero dog! THAT’S the hero dog over there!” Given that this was a relatively small event, the 40-foot red carpet was pretty crowded with dogs (heroic and otherwise), owners and some celebrity guests (more on them soon, naturally). It seemed like there were three times as many cameramen as attendees, and unfortunately my view of most of the dogs, and of Carson Kressley, was seriously blocked by said cameras. The puparazzi and I were crowded behind a little barrier that kept us separated from the Famous People/Dogs. Who knows, standing back there with my little Canon Powershot, I probably photographed some non-hero dogs by accident.

A months-long contest to find America’s most heroic dog led up to the awards night. It worked this way: from March to September, anybody could nominate a dog in one of eight categories:
• Law Enforcement/Arson Dogs (badass dogs)
• Service Dogs (kind dogs)
• Therapy Dogs (really kind dogs)
• Military Dogs (badass dogs)
• Guide Dogs (responsible dogs)
• Search and Rescue Dogs (super-brave dogs)
• Hearing Dogs (responsible dogs)
• Emerging Hero Dogs (“other” dogs, still heroes)

In all, 453 dogs were nominated. The public then voted on finalists, and those votes were combined with the experts’ votes to select the winner (aka The Dog to Most Put Your Dog to Shame). And by “experts,” I of course mean… celebs!

The dog-loving judges included: Prince Lorenzo Borghese (“his storied paternal ancestors include the cosmetic’s icon, Princess Marcella Borghese, [and] Napoleon’s sister, Paulina Bonaparte Borghese … [Prince Borghese] is the founder and president of Royal Treatment Italian Pet Spa, a high-end bath, body and skin care line for pets”) and Orlando Brown from Disney Channel’s “That’s So Raven” (he’s got a lot of neck tattoos now, which I can only assume is the ultimate Disney rebellion). Betty White, Whoopi Goldberg and Candy Spelling also brought their judging talents. So did Susan Orlean (if you care at all about hero dogs, you’ll pick up her new book about Rin Tin Tin, which is chock-full of canine heroics) and Tinsley Mortimer (who has her chihuahuas’ names tattooed on her wrists). If these seem like strange pairings of people, they indeed were. To dogs, they all just smell like humans, though.

Then there were the finalist dogs being honored. All in all, the dogs seemed nonchalant about walking the red carpet. I mean, a carpet is just a carpet for a dog — something they’d love to roll or take a nap on, if they weren’t as well-behaved as these dogs. Let’s take a moment to salute the night’s eight honorees, shall we? (NB: These dogs will break your heart and make you feel like you’re an utterly useless human blob.)

SADIE

• “Man’s best friend is an Arsonist Worst Nightmare.”
• “Sadie has never lost in court,” says her bio.
• She’s already won the “Golden Paws” award for life-saving and heroic acts, as well as the “Hero Medal” from the Masonic lodge (how many Masonic lodge medals have I won? ZERO)
• At the awards, Sadie’s owner matched her by wearing a dashing black Major Crimes Unit police uniform, which was a happy relief to the eye after Tinsley Mortimer’s very shiny gown.

ZURICH

• Zurich is a service dog who helps his partner, Patti, who cannot walk or speak.
• Patti is pretty amazing herself, “surviving now 6 years beyond the best medical opinions.” She and Zurich are an awesome team.

SAGE

• Sage was a first-responder at the Pentagon on 9/11, and she helped identify the remains of one of the terrorists responsible for the attacks. (She suffered from two rare forms of cancer herself, both of which were most likely caused by exposure to the attack site.)
• She searched for Natalee Holloway in Aruba (and hopefully got to vacation a little too? She goddamn well deserves it).
• She’s searched for missing soldiers in Iraq, and for survivors of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.
• Sage now works at a camp for children who have cancer.
• WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY????

HARLEY

• Harley is a “hearing dog,” who works with a hearing-impaired man to whom he’s given a “self-confidence and a feeling of equality with other that [he’d] not experienced” in 52 years

MWS BINO C152

• That’s “Bino” to you.
• Bino worked for 11 years at Ft. Gordon as a Narcotics Detection/Patrol K9.
• Now he’s a PTSD Demo Service Dog, helping out with the Ft. Bliss Wounded Warriors.
• At the awards, his adoptive mom showed his most patriotic trick: he can salute on cue. Can you salute on cue? Maybe. But you don’t have paws.

ROSELLE

• Roselle is a seeing-eye dog.
• Her owner — plenty heroic himself — worked on the 78th floor of Tower One of the WTC
• On September 11th, Roselle, calm in a way only a dog could be, guided her owner down 1463 stairs to the ground floor
• Roselle and her owner ended up on Broadway across the street from Tower Two; through all the debris and chaos, she managed to find an entrance to the subway and, her owner writes, “As usual, Roselle stopped at the top of the stairs and waited for me to command her to go forward and down.”

STACEY MAE

• Stacey Mae is a therapy dog.
• She “collects teddy bears and stuffed animals for kids in the hospital.” Frankly, I’m still a little unclear on exactly how she does this, but I’m guessing it has to do with her cuteness and begging skills? In any event, whatever it is she’s doing is working because she has collected almost 2,000 teddy bears to date

RICOCHET

• Ricochet was wearing a black dress and a silver “bracelet” (pawlet?) at the award show. She’s real pretty!
• She is the only known dog in the whole world who spends her time surfing with special-needs kids and people with disabilities.
• She also raises funds for human and animal causes.

I know you’re wondering, WHO WON? Unfortunately, I don’t know. Nor could I say even if I did. Think of me as a dog who has the information but can’t speak, so… Actually, that’s probably a very poor example here since all of these dogs are almost certainly smart enough to, if not speak, then at least write. So they could tell you the answer, but I can’t. Press wasn’t allowed into the actual ceremony and judging, so I didn’t get to find out the winner. However, on November 11, at 8 p.m., The Hero Dog Awards will be broadcast on The Hallmark Channel. So place your bets now — and tune in to see who wins, preferably while wearing your dachshund pin and with a box of Kleenex handy.

RELATED: Judging the Cats (and People) of the Santa Monica Cat Show

Sylvie Greenberg lives in Los Angeles. She doesn’t have a blog, but she always reads this one.

Photos of the finalist dogs courtesy of the Hero Dog Awards website.

Got plans tomorrow night? Cancel ‘em! Or at least modify them so that you give yourself time to attend this: “Mark Crispin Miller hosts Chris Lehmann, author of Rich People Things: Real-Life Secrets of the Predator Class. In Rich People Things, Chris Lehmann lays bare the various dogmas and delusions that prop up plutocratic rule in the post-meltdown age. It’s a humorous and harrowing tale of warped populism, phony reform, and blind deference to the nation’s financial elite.” Awl pal Chris Lehmann! You’d be a fool to miss it. (McNally Jackson, 7 PM)