Names On Birth Certificates Of GOP Presidential Candidates

by Abe Sauer

• Gary Earl Johnson
• Willard Mitt Romney
• Michele Mari Amble
• Ronald Ernest Paul
• James Richard Perry
• Jon Meade Huntsman Jr.
• Richard John Santorum
• Herman Cain
• Newton Leroy McPherson

Abe Sauer’s book How to Be: North Dakota — A Guide to the Plains is available now.

Photo by Christopher Halloran, via Shutterstock.

“Many believe that in the future collecting samples of saliva, urine or blood could be performed using a cheap, USB-stick-sized throwaway device called a lab-on-a-chip. The user would inject a droplet of the fluid in the chip, and micropumps inside it would send the fluid to internal vessels containing reagents that extract target disease biomarker molecules. The whole device would then be sent to a lab for analysis. But Hyun Gyu Park and Byoung Yeon Won at the Korea Advanced Institute for Science and Technology in Daejeon think touchscreens could improve the process by letting your phone replace the lab work. Park suggests the lab-on-a-chip could present a tiny droplet of the sample to be pressed against a phone’s touchscreen for analysis, where an app would work out whether you have food poisoning, strep throat or flu, for example.”

Is this the worst Christmas tree in Britain? Sure, why the hell not.

While there’s lots of noise today about American Airlines finally filing for bankruptcy, as an extension of its 2009 turnaround plan (oh, and its $30 BILLION in debt), there’s a lot less noise about how Chapter 11 is also a strategy for its ongoing union negotiations.

American has an extremely heavy payroll load, essentially. It keeps more than 22 maintenance employees per plane, for instance; compare that to Delta’s 12 or JetBlue’s 3.4 or Northwest’s .8. (Eek, .8?) And American’s maintenance is significantly less outsourced than other airlines. American actually employs nearly 15,000 maintenance people; JetBlue employs 471.

As of a few months back, American Airlines still had more than 800 pilots out on furlough; now it’s about 650. Another 800+ have been recalled from furlough and have chosen to defer. (You can only defer your recall once!) American has between 8000 and 10,000 pilots, depending on how you count the furloughed, those not recalled and those on military leave (fascinatingly, a few hundred pilots).

So, naturally, everyone looks to the employee costs for a solution to bankruptcy.

This is when everyone flashbacks to 2003 — when every other major airline declared bankruptcy or consolidated in the post-9/11 period. American threatened bankruptcy and the unions, including attendants, agreed to “six-year pay cuts of between 16 and 23 percent, along with 6,900 layoffs.” That’s a massive concession for a union to make — the job of a union is to protect jobs!

But even as they were voting on that, the airline was secretly “setting aside $41 million for a special executive pension plan in a trust that would be protected from creditors in the event of bankruptcy.” Everyone rightly flipped out, and the flight attendants’ union told them to stuff it, rescinding their offer of “$10 billion in wage concessions over six years.”

Unions were willing to cooperate and they got duped. Why would they stand for it again? Flight attendants and mechanics have been working without a contract since 2008. Meanwhile, in 2010, the top two execs of American Airlines made a combined $9 million.

“[Barney] Frank is incapable of feeling shame, regret or a sense of personal responsibility. These are emotions for lesser beings.”
 — Karl Rove cracks me up.

We know you are all anxiously anticipating Friday’s Holiday Awl Ball at Flaming Saddles, and why wouldn’t you be? It’s the social event of the season! But what about those of you who are not in the New York area? Perhaps you are somewhere more northlike. New England, for example! Well, get your calendar out and mark that sucker up for Tuesday, December 13th. Come 7PM, the place to be is Stoddard’s, for the Boston Bawl. Have questions? Your host, boyofdestiny, is here with answers.

To Britain, where “a large-scale clean-up operation was launched after a tanker carrying more than 20 tonnes of yeast extract — believed to be Marmite — overturned on the busy M1 motorway in South Yorkshire near Sheffield.” If you are unfamiliar with Marmite — one of the most disgusting creations known to man, and almost certainly the reason why Britons are so stabby all the time — here’s a primer.

There have been so many great covers of this Ray Price country classic — John Fogerty just did one recently, and my all-time favorite can be found here — that I almost have to believe it is impossible to screw up. It’s just that good. Anyway, here is John C. Reilly (yes, that one) giving it a shot. Apparently Jack White is involved. It works!

by Abe Sauer

How to Be: North Dakota — A Guide to the Plains is out now (and psst, costs only $8.95). The book, which features illustrations by Amy Jean Porter, would make a great holiday gift for anyone “who has looked at the vast expanse of Ole and Lena jokes and asked, ‘Is that it?’”

HOLIDAYS, CUSTOMS AND UDDER STUFF

Naugahyde
While its use peaked in the rest of America in the early 1970s, the tanned skin of the wild nauga remains popular in North Dakota.

Bison vs. Buffalo
Buffalo, home to terrible pro-sports teams, is an industrial wasteland in New York State. A Bison is the mascot of a North Dakota university sports team in the social wasteland of Fargo. Both are delicious in burger form.

“Minnesota Nice”
A more common term for the passive aggressive behavior of the residents to the east, who really deserve credit for doing so well, considering.

Supper
One pea more than “super” is supper! The last official meal of the day, supper is what east coast elitists call “dinner.”

Sundogs
Also known as a “phantom sun” or a “parhelion.” A prairie phenomenon that occurs during sunsets when a bright blaze of light at 22°, the same distance above the horizon as the sun, gives the appearance of a second sun. If you see one, you owe George Lucas royalties.

Sodbuster
Farmers in the late 1800s who moved into the Great Plains to work the pristine expanse of prairie. Their nickname came from the way they busted up the sod to plant crops. Sodbusters shared a name with “union busters,” another popular late- 1800s vocation.

The Food Security Act of 1985 gave sodbusters a bad name, using the term as the name of a provision that penalized the plowing up of certain grasslands. These lands were named “highly erodible lands” by the US Dept. of Agriculture, leading to government papers with titles like “More HEL is in compliance.”

Each summer, Fort Ransom in Ransom County hosts Sodbuster Days. Some North Dakotans still think of themselves as sodbusters, though the stone-sharpening art of flintknapping has fallen off in popularity recently in favor of plain old napping.

Berm
A level, sometimes raised, barrier of grass area between the sidewalk and the road. Yes, you also have to mow that.

Euphorbia esula
Better known as “leafy spurge,” or by its scientific name “That Damn Weed that Just Won’t Die,” euphorbia esulaan is an invasive plant characterized by white milky sap. An invasive immigrant species, leafy spurge moves into an area and takes all of the jobs that would otherwise go to native weeds.

Nodding Donkey
Commonly seen in western North Dakota, a “nodding donkey” is the above ground pumpjack portion of a reciprocating piston pump oil well. This term is derived from the pump’s seesawing, in-and-out motion, leading to its other nicknames “grasshopper pump,” “thirsty bird” and “Yo’ Mamma’”

In the eastern portion of the state, a “nodding donkey” is an incumbent Democrat.

Hotdish
A hotdish is a baked casserole consisting of some kind of meat, some kind of starch, and some vegetable mixed with a canned soup and baked to a golden brown at some kind of temperature. For example, tater tots, hamburger, frozen peas and a can of cream of mushroom soup is a perfect hotdish. The hotdish forms the wide, heavy foundation of the North Dakota food pyramid. Eaten often enough it forms the wide foundation of the heaviest North Dakotans. The hotdish also serves as a peace offering between family members who hate each other.

Alberta Clipper
Sudden, unpredictable burst of harsh weather that comes down from Canada to tear through North Dakotan cities. Not to be confused with “Alberta trippers,” a weekend burst of Canadians come down to tear through North Dakotan big box stores. Alberta Clippers are often confused with “Alberta strippers” as both can cause great monetary damage.

Syttende Mai
Also known as Norwegian Constitution Day. May 17 celebrates the day Norway’s founding fathers plagiarized the greatest document in the world for their own freedom and liberty and then all shared a hotdish just like a bunch of socialists. In re- cent years, Syttende Mai has become especially popular with the Scandinavian Tea Party, also known as the Glögg Pärty.

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SQUARE DANCE!
Like polio and Flag Day, square dancing was largely eradicated in America by the late 20th century. Yet, a healthy number of square dancing groups still operate in the state, where it is the official dance.

American square dancing is derived from the folk dances of numerous immigrant cultures, including those of the British, Caledonians, and Skuares, a forgotten culture known for its inability to make anything but a right turn.

From the beginning, the dance was controversial.

In 1923, the popularization of the square dance move “Allemande Left,” led to harsh punishment by the House Committee on Un-American Activities.

Many religious leaders have forbidden square dancing for its similarity to sex. Sexually transmitted dances are common.

As with many things North Dakotan, the name, “square- dance,” wastes nothing. It at once describes the motion through which the dance is performed while at the same time describing the social position of those performing it.

Square dancing is generally made up of movements using an eight count, with each dance consisting of a set of moves for the dancers to follow. Typical square dance choreography is comprised of four parts called A1, A2, B1, and B2. A count is one half of a musical measure, or a quarter note in 2/4 time, also a three-eighth note in 6/8 time. It is also a dude from old Europe who may or may not drink your blood.

The “caller” calls the dance by describing directions to the dancers through coded square dance terms. Typical terms include: allemande; butterfly whirl; do-si-do; promenade: sashay; and ladies chain (not to be confused with Ladies Chain™, a line of pornographic videos).

In some ways, square dance callers are the original free-form rap artists. In almost every other way they are not.

Some classic examples of calls that would make up a dance:

Allemande left, with the corner maid; meet your own and promenade.
Cat in the barn, rat in her mouth Grab your honey and head her south.
Ambulances and big black hearses; swing those doctors; swing those nurses.
Bow to you partner and the corner miss; to the opposite lady, just blow a kiss.
If you like this book so might your brother; then open that wallet and buy a-nother.

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NoDaktivity: Spot the Difference on Highway 2

Can you spot the four differences between these two pictures of traffic on Highway 2 during a blizzard?

ANSWERS

1) The truck carrying a load of potatoes in Picture 1 is carrying beets in Picture 2.
2) The Pontiac driver in Picture 1 has a blood alcohol level of .04. In Picture 2 it is .19.
3) It is night in Picture 2.
4) In Picture 2 there is a deer directly in front of your car. It is not there in Picture 1.

Born and raised on a dairy farm in the Midwest, Abe Sauer splits time between North Dakota, Minnesota and Wisconsin. One of his daughters was born in North Dakota, the other is North Dakotan in spirit. He’s a columnist for The Awl and has written for Esquire, The Atlantic and The St. Paul Almanac, among others. He tweets the Midwest on Twitter.

The Black Millionaires Of Occupy Wall Street

To anyone paying attention, it wasn’t really a surprise when blacks didn’t come out in droves to support Occupy Wall Street. Despite the fact that blacks suffer from poverty and the ills accompanying it at wildly disproportionate rates, African-Americans have for a number of uncertain reasons been avoiding most of the liberal demonstrations of the moment. Blacks don’t occupy Wall Street (or Denver or San Francisco) just as blacks don’t SlutWalk, or rally at the World Bank.

What was surprising was when the rappers started showing up.

At first it was just Russell Simmons — not technically a rapper, but a rap icon — his proselytizing becoming a daily fixture at Zuccotti Park and then at far-flung movement outposts like Occupy LA and Occupy Boston. Later came Kanye West and Jay-Z, the most famous hip-hop artists in the world right now. West has been to Zuccotti himself once, when he ambled around the park for about eight minutes before being shuffled off to chauffeured cars. For his part, Jay-Z hasn’t made an appearance at any protest encampment or march, but he’s been showing his support in other ways, specifically by hawking a run of OWS-themed Rocawear t-shirts for $22 a pop. Jigga’s advocacy knows bounds, of course: None of the proceeds from those shirts will go to OWS or any other charity. After criticism, the shirts were lifted from the Rocawear site, but as of now, they appear to be back on the market — and on backorder.

The presence of Simmons and friends — which has been mostly Simmons — at OWS is as paradoxical as Rocawear’s protest t-shirts. On the one hand, yes, support OWS, everyone should. On the other, what sense does anti-corporate Rocawear apparel make? This cognitive dissonance was perhaps best illustrated that afternoon in early October, when, draped in gold chains that hung low below his Givenchy shirt, Kanye strutted through the OWS crowds, smiling and silent and flanked by yes-men. One could almost hear him humming “Jesus Walks” quietly to himself as people reached out to touch him, his gold grill glinting sunlight into everyone’s eyes. All around the rapper men and women held signs decrying greed and selfishness, and demanding higher taxes for the ultra-rich. It was undoubtedly a different scene than the one he’d encountered hours before while shopping with Beyoncé at a boutique called Intermix. At Intermix you can buy a leopard-print handbag for $3,200.

If Kanye loves to spend, his friend Simmons loves to make money off of people who spend. Among other things, Simmons is the purveyor of the Rush Card, a prepaid Visa card designed for people too poor to get regular bank accounts. With a $10 monthly usage fee, and many others along the way, the Rush Card earns profits by charging people to spend their own money, a practice that’s gotten Simmons heckled at OWS and on the receiving end of a recent investigation by Florida’s attorney general. Simmons has consistently lashed out at critics, naturally, telling Forbes in March that the Rush Card makes it so people “don’t have to get on line at a check cashing place.” But he’s seemingly forgotten that things have already gone badly wrong when your best defense is that your product isn’t as bad as a check-cashing scam.

Knowing some of the ways Simmons has gone about accumulating his $110 million fortune — those predatory debit cards, a clothing brand that may or may not be tied to questionable labor practices, gigs helping mega-entities like Coca-Cola with commercials — it’s been interesting to hear him outline the OWS movement’s wish list for the many reporters who seek him out. Thus far the Occupy movement has purposefully avoided crafting any bulleted list of demands in favor of letting protestors speak for themselves. This nebulousness, some have argued, has been one the movement’s “great strengths.” Simmons apparently disagrees, as he often feels very comfortable expounding at length about what he thinks OWS stands for. Frequently he’ll forget about the protesters who say they want a radical redistribution of wealth. He’ll forget about the protesters holding up signs celebrating socialism. Instead, Simmons prefers to focus on the demand that lobbyists and corporate money wield less control over the government. He talks about this constantly, and at one point he even said railing against lobbyists is the “one thing” protesters should focus on in their responses to what OWS is about. However sincere his motives may be, it’s certainly convenient that Simmons’ personal cause célèbre at OWS is the one that doesn’t call into question the foundation on which he’s amassed a 35,000-square-foot home.

It must be quite strange to be a black millionaire. I can only venture to guess at what that second part entails, but I would imagine it’s something like straddling a great divide, or trying to reconcile within yourself two endlessly different senses of being. Societal expectations can be difficult to escape, and society — both black and white — is confused by a black millionaire.

I’ve occasionally said to my friends that black hipsters are the truest hipsters, because even their race is “indie.” It’s a dumb joke largely cribbed from a Chris Rock bit, but I do think there’s some truth to it. For about 100,000 reasons, most of them quite subtle, people of color in America quickly learn to consider themselves outsiders — maybe not outcasts, but definitely not part of the norm. That coupled with a history sprinkled liberally with icons like Huey and Malcolm and Martin can start to manifest itself as a sense of duty to fight for the little guy. But what happens when you’re no longer little?

I think that if you told Russell Simmons his prepaid credit cards are the kind of predatory bullshit that got America into this mess, he’d be genuinely shocked (when it happened here all he could do was smile sheepishly). I think if you said to Jay-Z that attempting to profit off of OWS through Rocawear is vile, he’d respond with something like, “What’s wrong with selling goodness? There’s nothing wrong with it” (which is actually a direct quote from Simmons when asked about Jay-Z’s vile shirts). I think that if you asked Kanye West how he can support a movement Simmons says is anti-oil and gas lobbying while also big-upping the 10-mile-per-gallon Maybach he’d say you were a hater. I think that each of these men would be disappointed to find out that if a revolution is to happen, it’s definitely not going to begin with them, and indeed they may be part of the problem.

Nietzsche warns us that it’s painful to discover you’ve become the monster you thought you were battling. But what certainly hurts worse is when, having become a monster, the other monsters won’t even let you into their dark and secret hideouts. As wealthy and powerful as Simmons has become while playing by America’s rules, there are still golf clubs where he can’t be a member, and still prominent white politicians who wouldn’t think twice about calling him “brotha” or telling him “you be da man.” There are even still many people who would be upset if their daughter brought him home. There’s a notorious and easily modified black joke that goes, “What do you call a black billionaire (or lawyer or doctor)?” The answer: “A nigger.” That one’s always been particularly ugly to me for its honesty.

I wonder if the past few weeks have found Russell Simmons dreaming of walking quickly down a narrow pathway in Manhattan. There’s an OWS protest on one side of him and Wall Street on the other side, and yet he can’t reach either. Not really, not fully.

Cord Jefferson is a senior editor at GOOD.