“We do not need to further incentivize entrepreneurs and investors to start companies — they already have plenty of incentives to do so… It is silly to think that “entrepreneurs and investors” create the jobs in our economy. Entrepreneurs and investors start and fund companies, which is important. But what actually creates self-sustaining jobs and a growing economy is customers who want and can pay for companies’ products and services. Without these customers, there’s no job creation.”
 — Hee! Henry Blodget writing this morning on how bazillionaires aren’t actually the engine of the economy is already attracting the hate-comments.

“’Bears are far more profitable for a taxidermist than any other animal,’ said Mr. Clark. His shop took in 119 black bears last year, including 59 from New Jersey. It doubled his yearly profit. ‘For every bear that comes in here, we average $1,500 in sales.’ He paused before a mounted bear carcass: ‘Ka-ching!’”
 — 🙁.

“I have never in my life encountered such a thing. I’ve heard of fish die-offs and other strange natural phenomenon, but I’ve never experienced one before. It was very strange, but very fun.”
 — Cedar Rapids nature lover Stephen Gwin has been doing a good thing in helping to rescue surviving grebes from among the thousands of dead ones scattered around the Walmart parking lot that a flock of the migratory waterfowl mistook for a much softer landing pad, like a lake, and slammed themselves into. But “fun” is a strange word to read in this instance.

“I think death will be a good career move for me. People will say, ‘Yes, Hoban, he seems an interesting writer, let’s look at him again.’”
 — Author Russell Hoban, who wrote the post-apocalyptic classic Riddley Walker and the beloved “Frances” series for children, among others, has died. Hoban was 86.

And now we get to prematurely place behind us another quite troubling incident in our recent history. Secret prisons? Eh, let’s forget about those. Torture? Let’s just move on. A incredible transformation of huge chunks of the military into a privately contracted mercenary army? La la la la la! Years and years of National Guard reservists being unexpectedly called up for active duty in Iraq? Oh well! Thousands of soldiers having had their service contracts forcibly extended, creating a stop-lossed conscription army, under a policy that somehow no judge would find illegal? Sorry guys and gals! (And sorry families of dead guys and gals.) Operation New Dawn: the war we had after the war? Deadly. A decade of a wildly, wildly, crushingly expensive invasion, that involved more than a million Americans in combat, and the occupation of a country under false pretenses? Let’s just agree to not talk about it anymore. The CNN crawl says “Ceremony Ends Nine Years of Conflict,” which isn’t actually what happened either: we actually didn’t have a “conflict.” America’s great at putting things behind us, so guess we’ll just file this under “things that are already over,” though we still have billions of dollars to spend in ongoing operations. But at least we should let the Iraq War have an asterisk for “things that should never have happened.”

Photo: “The 297th Medical Company returns home as the last California National Guard unit to leave Iraq.”

Four Cocktails To Get You Through The Holidays

by John Ore

With the holidays upon us, everyone seems to crave booze a little more than usual. Either you’re hosting, party-hopping or catching a drink with a friend. The temperatures are cold. It’s dark by three in the afternoon. Drynuary lurks ahead. And, after it turns out your Christmas Bonus is a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club, you could use a little pick me up.

This is the time of year I turn to The Artistry Of Mixing Drinks for guidance. This classic was written by Frank Meier, the purported inventor of the Sidecar, who, in the 1920s and ’30s, presided over the bar at the Ritz in Paris. There he served not only as barkeep, but also physician, shrink and executive chef to his patrons. As the book’s foreword says:

The successful barman must be a chemist, a physiologist and psychologist of the first order, in other words the true mixologist is a man of science. Furthermore, he requires an understanding of humanity, and ability to sympathize with his patrons’ real or fancied troubles, and laugh when they repeat a story which he had told them the day before… A good barman really requires everything a diplomat should have and something more, genuine knowledge of food and drink.

Unless you’re content with your vodka tonic — which, why do that to yourself? — you should own a copy of Frank’s book. (I got my own copy as a Christmas gift from my brother-in-law — I married well.) The book is meant to help the rest of us enjoy, in the comfort of our homes, the concoctions he served to the well-heeled and aristocratic. All you need, says Frank, are “12 bottles” and simple “household supplies,” and you too can start banging out coolers, fizzes, puffs, punches, sangarees, smashes and zooms. Ah, to have a cocktail named or prepared just for you, such as the Seapea (named for Cole Porter) or the Blue Bird (for Sir Malcolm Campbell). All in all, there’s 300-some recipes for cocktails and mixers. Some of the entries are wonderful in their simplicity — the Barmen’s Delight is “Just a little Whiskey, straight if you please” — while others require the white of an egg, the juice of one half pound of currants or Tincture of (Vegetable) Blue.

With Continental aplomb, the book also contains an encyclopedia’s worth of supplemental information: recipes for sandwiches, a disquisition on wine varietals and regions, formulas and statistics (such as the circumference of the Earth — useful!), cleaning tips for various substances (the OG Ask A Clean Person?), first-aid advice for cases of poisoning and mad dog or snake bite, as well tips on horse racing. Basically, everything you might need to know while spending a significant portion of your life in a bar, either as a patron or a server.

Far be it from me to criticize a man who has an ode penned to him at the beginning of his own book (by J. Ainsworth Morgan), but if Artistry has a fault it’s that it lacks an index. You can’t quickly search for cocktails that contain rye or rum: you pretty much have to scan recipes for words that jump out at you, like Old Tom Gin. It’s pretty fun, however, to just open up to a random page, pick a random drink, and see if you’ve got the ingredients to make it. That’s how I end up having a Yashmak: a dash of Angostura bitters, one-third each of Anis “Pernod Fils,” French Vermouth and Rye Whiskey.

With Frank as our guide, let’s talk about some alternatives to the boring or rote drinks in your holiday repertoire. I’m not talking about throwing a cinnamon stick into a glass of warm brandy and calling it “festive,” or choking down sugary eggnog at a holiday party. I’m talking about sprucing up the kind of cocktails you’d make for yourself at home or order as you pop in for a swifty on the way home from work. Here’s how to bring Frank home for the holidays:

Instead of champagne…

… go with a Champagne Punch. In a tumbler half-filled with cracked ice: the juice of one-half lemon, one-half glass of Strawberry or Raspberry syrup; fill with Champagne, stir slightly, add slice of orange, serve with straws.

Note: In Frank’s world, a “glass” is defined as “a 2-ounce, 2-dram, or 6-centilitre glass.”

This champagne punch is super refreshing and festive and less stuffy than straight sparkling wine. Instead of the syrup, I substitute Chambord (because: more booze! And you should always have it on hand for the emergency Kir Royale). But you should go completely nuts and try Goji berry liqueur.

Instead of wine…

… go with a French Kiss. In a wine glass over ice, one-half Italian Vermouth and one-half French Vermouth, serve with a twist. I’m a huge fan of Vya for this one, from Quady Winery in Madera, CA. It’s around the same ABV as wine (15%), and is much nicer to sip on a Sunday night while you’re roasting a chicken.

I personally think Vermouth gets a bad rap. Mostly because of the douchebag cliche of ordering a dry martini while telling the bartender to “whisper ‘Vermouth’” over the glass. I mean, come on! Frank has three recipes for the martini (dry, medium, and sweet), all of which are half vermouth.

Drunk Muscovite devushkas love “Martini sok,” which is nothing more than dry vermouth and orange juice. I recently discovered Carpano Antica Formula, and it has changed my life because it’s changed my Manhattans and Brooklyns. Good enough for them, good enough for me. Vermouth is that versatile.

Speaking of the martini…

… go with a Vesper instead. In a cocktail shaker, three parts gin, one part vodka, and a splash of Lillet Blanc. Strain into a martini glass, serve with a twist.

I discovered this gem well before Daniel Craig’s Bond invented it, at my old East Bay local Nizza La Bella. The Lillet brings a floral quality to it that really compliments the gin, and makes you want to stroll through a Monaco casino in a tux. If you aren’t already.

Instead of a Manhattan…

… go with The Slope. Over ice, combine one part calvados, one part French vermouth, two parts rye whiskey, a dash of orange bitters. Serve with drunken cherries (dried cherries soaked in brandy overnight).

That’s my version of The Slope at least; the calvados is a substitute for the apricot brandy in the Clover Club’s recipe. Mainly because I discovered calvados making a ridiculous stuffed pork tenderloin, and now I want to add it to everything. Including breakfast cereal.

Should you suffer any lingering effects after any of these, Frank’s still got your back. Ever ready with the Morning Bracer, Eye Opener, Corpse Reviver or Pick-Me-Up.

For Boxing Day, I recommend…

… an Eye Opener. In a shaker: the yolk of and Egg, one-half glass each of Curacao, Rum, and Anis “Pernod fils”; shake well, strain into a fizz glass and serve.

Time to open presents!

John Ore was either over-served or got a hold of some bad liquor.

Six Alternates For Time’s “Person Of The Year,” Five Good Rap Videos, And One Great Heavy Metal Video

People that would definitely not be named “Person of the Year” by Philadelphia rappers Black Deniro and Freeway:
1) The “Twitter Thug”
2) The “Fake Baller”
3) The “Bougie Chick”
4) The “Phone Gangster”
5) The “Goon Rat”
6) The “Sneaky Groupie”

Man, I love this video. The song is basically Ludacris’ “Move Bitch” combined with Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop,” but I really like it anyway. That’s mostly due to the presence of Freeway, I suppose, for whom I’m a well-established geekdork fanboy. But the video is maybe even better than the song. With its silly concept and super-outdated computer effects (Look, there’s Freeway rapping through a bullhorn! And now, suddenly, for no apparent reason other than that someone on the production team knows how to do it, he’s underwater, in James Cameron’s The Abyss!) it hits that sublime sweet spot for ridiculous fun. And as always, Freeway’s rapping is super-terrific.

Houston’s venerable Bun B references that same Cameron effect — “My liquid flow is plasma/Terminator 2/I’ll terminate a crew or two to say I paid a due…” — over the lovely piano, organ and strings of “Never a Dull Moment” from Lawrence, Massachusett’s Statik Selector. Statik’s hometown partner Termanology joins in, as well, along with the increasingly irresistable Queens gourmand, Action Bronson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xELE-dYL_AQ

Pharell Williams has given T.I. a total gold-star Neptunes beat for his upcoming album. And a very strong vocal verse, too. And then he dressed up like Billy Idol or something for the video. Somehow, oddly, even that works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5mSBisOMAQ

Detroit’s Danny Brown has been making a lot of videos lately for songs from his XXX album, which is ending up on a lot of “best of 2011” lists, and rightfully so. He is talented and deranged and someone made him a customized Monopoly board, which, that’s pretty cool.

Lastly, I’m surprised how much I like this one from Rick Ross’s old friend Gunplay. A lot of it is the nice white suit that you’d expect someone from Miami to wear when he goes down to Colombia to buy cocaine. It looks breathable. A lot of it is the lush scenery, like a Tropicalia jazz aesthetic. And a lot of it is the song itself. That beat would make anyone sound great. My mom could read me her Christmas shopping list over the phone to that beat and I’d be standing on my chair, pumping my fist. However long Ross’ Maybach Music Group producers ride these big, ominous church-bell beats, I’ll probably ride right along with them. I just never tire of the stuff. Maybe because it always reminds me of Black Sabbath. Because of the church bells at the start of “Black Sabbath,” and the overall vibe of badassness.

I wonder if there’s any way the Sabbath reunion album will be good? Seems hard to imagine. But stranger things have happened, I guess. Anyway, someone put a full, hourlong video of them playing a concert in Paris in 1970 on Youtube recently. I watched/listened to the whole thing the other night. It is so insanely awesome that even my childishly exuberant hyperbole can’t do it justice. There aren’t enough exclamation points in the world. I don’t know what to do with myself. Here’s “War Pigs” from the show, below, but you should really watch the whole thing. No one has ever ruled as hard as Sabbath, ever in the history of the universe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44dg9n8_BxA

As something of a Goldberg Variations obsessive, I have been surprisingly pleased by Dan Tepfer’s Goldberg Variations / Variations. Jazz interpretations of Bach can be pretty hit or miss, but both the improvisation and the source material are exceptionally well-handled on this album. Read more about it here.

“A man who sometimes likes to dress as Santa Claus continues to haunt Berlin Christmas markets this week, offering drinks spiked with what is believed to be the drug liquid ecstasy to unsuspecting revelers. Police have been trying to hunt down the man the tabloid press here have dubbed ‘Bad Santa’ for over a week now, and on Wednesday they released a composite sketch of the suspect based on descriptions provided by witnesses.”

“You are at the intersection of 155th Street and Amsterdam Avenue in Manhattan and a passenger wants to go to Jerome Avenue and 163rd Street in the Bronx. Which of the following is the closest bridge connecting Manhattan to the Bronx?”
 — Are you really qualified to tell your cabbie which way to go?