“The 35-year-old ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ singer immediately alerted fans to the situation, posting on her Twitter account, ‘Omg what just happened to me! I was attacked by a sea lion!’

Happy first anniversary to Larry the Cat, the Chief Mouser of 10 Downing Street. Amazing nobody’s glassed him yet.

Valentine’s #1 Songs: A Chart

by Kate Stender

Having once had the awkward experience of trying to converse with a boy I liked while Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy”* played overhead, enumerating (frankly and clearly, to disco accompaniment) the concerns then foremost in my mind, I often wonder about the impact a particular song arbitrarily broadcast into a person’s life can have. In my case, I learned that it’s hard to keep up a conversation about impending weather conditions while “just reach out and touuuuuuch me” is in the air, too.

On this chart are all the songs that happened to be #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 on Valentine’s Day over the last 33 years. Perhaps these songs contributed positively or adversely to a life-in-progress on this particular day — a day on which people naturally tend to be more noticeably inclined to feel happy or unhappy with love. So in 1997, if you were having a terrible time in a relationship, you were likely to have some consolation in Toni Braxon’s “Un-break My Heart” coming on the radio to keep you company. The following year, though, if things had turned around (and I hope they did!), then Usher’s “Nice & Slow” was there for you.

Judging which songs were more or less likely to be appreciated by those happy-in-love vs. those unhappy-in-love necessitated such enjoyable deliberations as, wait, does being unhappy-in-love let you greater appreciate people wanting to touch your junk, junk? I also discovered that I did in fact want to think that unhappy-in-love people might find solace in knowing that someone out in the world was blessing the rains down in Africa, and that there was nothing a hundred men or more could do about it.

*Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” was actually a Billboard Hot 100 #1 over Valentine’s Day in 1979 (although the conversation I describe happened many years later).

Kate Stender writes a blog in which she attempts to figure out what the pronouns in song titles stand for.

We’re about halfway through the conference season, and teams are beginning to sift into tiers of Final Four contention. Now is when talk of college basketball’s individual honors starts to heat up, too. Some players who dominated last November have cooled off, while others have seen their stars rise. Interestingly, in each of the past five years (save when John Wall took the Rupp Award in 2010), one player each season has swept all six of the major Player of the Year honors: the Wooden, Naismith, Rupp, Robertson, AP and NABC. Last season, it was flashy BYU guard Jimmer Fredette who took home all the hardware.

Sportswriters traditionally make up the voting ranks of these awards, a class of people who enjoy the endless calculations involved in stratifying and ranking players from different programs with diverse backgrounds and with often wildly divergent games. Here are this season’s most likely, and most deserving, candidates.

IT’LL PROBABLY BE ONE OF THESE THREE

Thomas Robinson, F, Jr., Kansas
A sentimental favorite, Robinson seems a natural choice for honors. And he’s certainly paid his dues. Despite being a highly sought-after recruit coming out of high school, Robinson sat behind All-American twin forwards for two seasons in Lawrence. He played as a reserve, and played well, but not often enough to make much of a name for himself. It was off the court that Robinson’s sophomore season was truly a nightmare. He lost both his grandparents in the span of a month, then his mother suffered a fatal heart attack only days after his grandfather’s funeral. The composure and strength he showed throughout this terrible period impressed observers in and out of the Kansas basketball family.

This season, with the Morris twins now in the NBA, Robinson finally got his chance to shine. He’s exceeded even the high expectations set for him. He opened the season with six double-doubles and has averaged 18 points and 12 rebounds a contest. Thanks to his incredible play, a less-than-usually-talented Jayhawks are within reach of a No. 1 seed in the upcoming NCAA tournament.

Powerful, aggressive and fearless at the rim, Robinson tellingly has played his best when his team most needed him to, a mark of a truly great player. Of course, no one hands out Player of the Year trophies for overcoming adversity alone; but no one would deny Robinson was worthy of selection no matter what his personal story.

Jared Sullinger, F/C, So., Ohio State
Sullinger — or “Sully” as he’s known around Columbus — was many pundits’ choice behind Fredette last season. Notably slimmed down this year, he’s been as a good, maybe even better player for this season’s top-five Buckeyes.

A cerebral, physical and effective inside presence, Sullinger doesn’t possess the raw athletic gifts that the other big men on this list do, but he’s likely more skilled and definitely more efficient. This may come from lessons imparted by his father, a longtime high-school coach, and his two older brothers, who each reached Division I college basketball (including J.J., who played at Ohio State in the mid-2000s). A huge recruit before last season, Jared shocked many in the college basketball universe when he unequivocally stated his intention to return immediately following the Buckeyes’ loss to Kentucky in last year’s Sweet 16.

This year, with several key components gone from last year’s edition, Ohio State has barely missed a beat, going 21–4 thus far and leading a very strong Big Ten conference for most of the year. Sullinger posts 17-and-a-half points a game to go along with nine rebounds, but he’s also routinely double- and triple-teamed in the paint. Passing and vision are a huge part of Sullinger’s game. He’s not a shot blocker, but his floor game, effectiveness and integral role in the Buckeyes’ success have earned him Player of the Year consideration.

Anthony Davis, F/C, Fr., Kentucky
It’s impossible to know whether votes for these individual awards are earned more from season-long builds or by who’s currently trending up — likely it’s a little of both. But if it were solely the latter, there’s little doubt that Davis would be the odds-on choice as the nation’s top player. There’s no player in America right now who seems more dynamic.

Davis is clearly the nation’s top shot blocker and likely its top shot alterer, too. His defensive presence alone makes Kentucky, a supremely talented but not terribly deep team, the choice by many as the one team to beat in March. Standing 6’9” with a pterodactyl-like 7’5” wingspan, Davis’s length and reach force teams to change their offense, settling for outside shots, which he then blocks a bunch of as well. Davis’ impact on the offensive end is growing, as well, something opponents of the Wildcats did not want to see.

Davis looked to be a little-recruited 6’3” guard until a growth spurt, during his junior year of high school, produced a center with a point guard’s timing and skill set. The result has been a player widely acknowledged as the all-but-inked-in top overall pick in next summer’s NBA Draft. But the awards we’re talking about here are about college success, not pro potential, and Davis is rapidly accumulating that as well.

For the past month, the probable national freshman of the year has terrorized SEC teams on defense and demoralized them with his presence around the rim on offense. If the season were to end today, Davis’ body of work might be enough to earn him a few awards. But the season doesn’t end for another month-plus. If current trends hold, and if the Wildcats continue to reign as the nation’s No. 1 team into March, Davis stands a strong chance of being named the best player in the nation, and it would be hard to argue he wasn’t worthy.

IT STILL COULD HAPPEN, BUT CHANCES ARE SLIPPING

Harrison Barnes, F, So., North Carolina
What’s fascinating when you watch Barnes play is his preternatural cool. He never gets rattled, and he rarely expresses emotion on the court. He’s great fun to watch on offense, with a fluid game that belies just how hard many of the shots he’s attempting (and often making) really are. But perhaps because of the ease with which he plays, Barnes has developed a reputation as aloof or even “soft.” Whether it’s earned or not is certainly up for debate. On a team chock full of former high-school All-Americans, Barnes’ excellence may be diminished in part by proxy.

Barnes also suffers from the unfortunate phenomenon whereby advance hype establishes a bar to which even a superior player cannot hope to ever live up. Picked as a preseason first-team All-American before he ever arrived in Chapel Hill, Barnes has been a great college player, but he hasn’t been otherworldly, and so his reputation has suffered, ridiculously, because of it. Still, if you were to take Barnes off the UNC team, there’s no doubt they wouldn’t be as good, but there’s not a sense that they would be a thoroughly different team. The same couldn’t be said about any of the three players listed above, which is why the talented sophomore likely won’t be named Player of the Year.

Doug McDermott, F, So., Creighton The early-season sheen is wearing off of the Bluejays, and that’s certainly affecting McDermott’s candidacy for individual accolades. After reaching a top-12 ranking nationally, Creighton has hit the hard middle of the conference season and has been tagged with a couple of losses. As a mid-major team, losses are less excusable for Creighton than they would be in the Big Ten or Big 12, even in the well-above-average Missouri Valley Conference.

Still, this has been a transcendent season for the sophomore, who is also the Creighton coach’s son. Coincidentally, McDermott’s high school teammate in Ames was none other than Harrison Barnes. Averaging 23 points and eight rebounds an outing, and an astonishing 60% from the field and nearly 50% from the three-point arc, McDermott has been this season’s Jimmer Fredette minus a lot of the pundit-love.

There’s still time for McDermott to make a late charge if Creighton finishes strong and McDermott is the driving force. But as the three leading candidates continue to play twice a week on national TV against competition that is regarded as (though may not necessarily actually be) of a higher caliber, it will be hard for McDermott to maintain pace down the stretch run.

A GREAT YEAR BUT UNLIKELY TO GET PICKED

Draymond Green, F, Sr., Michigan State If the national Player of the Year awards were to go to the guy whose game most resembled the greatest version of your uncle’s awkward below-the-rim game at the local Y, then Green would be a shoo-in. But it doesn’t. Green has everything you want in a college player — immense heart, versatile skills, leadership out the wazoo and a no-frills demeanor. But he lacks the wow factor that usually accompanies college basketball award winners. I’m sure he’d gladly settle for a Final Four as his Spartan legacy.

Marcus Denmon, G, Sr., Missouri
The surprising success of the Missouri Tigers has shone a light on a player few outside the Big 12 conference likely knew much about before this season. But as Mizzou continues to win, Denmon has continued to be a primary reason why. Denmon is the guy who hits the big shot, seemingly every time he’s asked. And he’s been asked plenty this season. Missouri’s success under first-year coach Frank Haith has been in many ways a team effort, but it’s been Denmon on whom the team has relied in its diciest moments, and that’s the kind of record of which Player of the Year candidacies are made.

Originally from Kentucky, Joshua Lars Weill now writes from Washington, DC. His take on things can be found at Agonica and on Twitter. Photo by SD Dirk, via Flickr.

Each year on your pre-party Oscar ballot, you likely take a wild stab at some of the more minor categories. But this is where experienced home Academy Awards predictors clean up. If you want to win that pool, you gotta bone up. And I can help you.

If you haven’t watched all the short films… you’re not alone! And it would not be a waste of your time to go watch them all. But I’ve seen all the nominees for Animated Short and for Live Action, and I’ve got a pretty good idea about what’s going to score. Obviously, TONS of spoilers ahead.

Disclaimer: I am pretty good at this, but I could be totally, utterly wrong! Use my choices at your own risk, and don’t hate me.

Live Action

1. Raju: This seems to me what is most likely to win. It’s long (24 minutes) and extremely beautiful. It’s about a German couple who go to India to adopt a boy and lose him on the streets and then find out he’s not an orphan. The dude who stars in it is stunning. So it has great acting, internationality, gorgeous cinematography, and it feels very accomplished. I don’t like it as much as the hilarious Norwegian movie that is next on this list, but it’s good, and it seems like it has it all. The dude, by the way, is Wotan Wilke Möhring. He’s like a cross between Daniel Craig and Michael Fassbender. SEE WHAT I’M SAYING? (Count me in the… WOTAN CLAN. (Yes.))

2. Tuba Atlantic: This is what should win. Perhaps it will? Unlikely. But you should actually just go watch this right now, before I spoil it for you. This weirdo and hilarious film from Norway is about a crotchety old man who’s told he has six days to live. So he goes home to his cabin on the edge of nowhere and the ocean and shoots a bunch of seagulls with his old machine gun. This girl shows up, in order to get her Angel of Death badge. He teaches her how to kill seagulls. He’s desperate to talk to his brother who lives in New Jersey but can’t get the phone number and so has to restart one of their childhood inventions, a giant tuba that can be heard across the Atlantic, if the wind’s blowing the right way. Man I love this movie. Includes footage of a small appliance being dropped on a seagull. It’s really the only funny and original and different film in the bunch; but it might be too weird for the voters.

3. The Shore: A lesser contender. Bonus: contains Ciarán Hinds, and a bunch of Irish people. Other bonus: is about poverty and reconciliation. Downside: isn’t that great, and doesn’t know how to play its comedy for comedy or its pathos for pathos. Probably safe to disregard.

4. Time Freak: This is very funny and well done, but feels slight next to the others. That’s not a fault of its own. It’s about an annoying dude who invents a time machine and spends a year-and-a-half fixing the day previous, instead of, like, seeing ancient Rome. But it’s very student film — if exceptional student film! — and doesn’t seem likely to win.

5. Pentecost: Also funny. Bonus: stars a kid. Other bonus: turns the film tropes of “team preparing for a big game” around and uses them on a team of altar boys preparing for a big mass. But seems also less impressive in comparison.

Animated Short

1. The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore: I hated this so much. It also has a very good shot of winning. It’s extremely technically accomplished. Unfortunately it also begins with the destruction of New Orleans by windstorm? But isn’t a Katrina allegory? And so this guy is swept off to be the custodian of a magical library of flying books? It made me feel bad, and it was sort of nonsensical. BUT, you know, incredibly well-done as a piece of animation. The story was underdeveloped… but that’s never stopped an Academy voter.

2. Wild Life: This is the one that should win. It’s executed like a constantly moving brushy painting. It’s absolutely, stunningly gorgeous. It’s really really wonderful. The story, such as it is, is about a rich English man who moves to the wilds of Canada in 1909 to be a rancher, and never does anything, and then winter comes, and then he disappears. I’m not sure that it could win however; it’s romantic, and elliptic. But VOTE WITH THE HEART. If you take a fall, you did it for art and beauty!

3. A Morning Stroll: I would put this as tied for second in the “could win” rankings. It’s three takes on “a chicken turns the corner in a city,” set in three different eras; roughly, the past, the present and the future. I LOL’d, because it went the extra mile with the final segment. (SPOILER: ZOMBIES.) A really nice showcase of the animators; a great audition reel for a career in animation.

4. Dimanche/Sunday: Super-cute and quirky and funny, about a boy who goes to an adult’s party, and likes to put loonies and toonies under the tracks of the nearby train, and the giant bear who lives with his head in his grandparents’ wall. Too strange, probably, to win. But worth enjoying.

5. La Luna: Somewhat slight, and skewed pretty young, about the moon’s janitors, basically. Very pretty, sweet; not so substantial.

Short Documentary

I refuse to watch documentaries (I do have a life!) but isn’t the rule to always vote for the one about Iraq? So do that. Except WAIT. This year we have Iraq AND there’s a documentary about saving the women who have acid thrown on their faces in Pakistan. So definitely do that. (Disclaimer: there’s a Civil Rights documentary and a Japanese tsunami documentary. You could also flip a four-sided die. Sorry for the cynicism!)

My longstanding dream has been to open a series of Crying Spaces, where people can come during the day to sit in a small room and weep privately. I think that these would do especially well in urban areas like New York, where the population density and cost of living usually forces you to share space with other people. Rather than wait until your roommate or significant other is out of the apartment, rather than hope that none of your coworkers will hear you stifling sobs in the stall, you could come to the Crying Space and just let it all out secure in the knowledge that the only one who’s ever going to know about the tears you shed is the guy at the front who hands you the box of Kleenex and the Terms of Endearment DVD. While I believe in my heart that this could be an immensely profitable business, I have yet to secure its funding, so it will for the moment remain just a glimmer in my damp eyes. But in this spirit I am naming today National Go Have Yourself A Sob Day. (It is important that we do this today rather than tomorrow because I do not want anyone to confuse your sadness with something related to Valentine’s Day, which is no less ludicrous a holiday than the one I am proposing.) Here’s the deal: Head somewhere you feel comfortable crying, think about all the bad decisions you’ve made or the unfortunate luck you’ve had or the departed friends and family you miss so desperately or basically just the crushing burden of existence, and let her rip. The rest of us promise to completely ignore you. It’s no less than we all deserve.

Photo by Ed Yourdon, from Flickr.

Due to our invention of a solar-powered, totally portable water desalinator, with an accompanying multistage UV filter system that eliminates 99.9% of all organic material at the microscopic level, The Awl has been named to Fast Company’s list of the world’s “50 Most Innovative Companies.” We did it, you guys! We saved the lives of millions of poor people and made a difference in the world. That was our dream, and here we are. Also we finished building that orphanage that Madonna abandoned in Malawi but we like to be low-key about that.

How Pets Came To Rule The World

Previously: A Skewed Look At The Republican Field, Office Colds And The Heroes Who Perpetuate Them and How To Write A Satirical Pop Culture Book Sold At Urban Outfitters

Jon Methven is the author of This Is Your Captain Speaking, due out in 2012 by Simon & Schuster. He can be reached here, or follow him on Twitter @jonmethven.

Are you ready for the krautrock stylings of Paul Weller? Because they’re here.

“Research revealed one in five parents has scrapped old classics such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and Rapunzel in favour of more modern books. One third of parents said their children have been left in tears after hearing the gruesome details of Little Red Riding Hood. And nearly half of mothers and fathers refuse to read Rumplestiltskin to their kids as the themes of the story are kidnapping and execution. Similarly, Goldilocks and the Three Bears was also a tale likely to be left on the book shelf as parents felt it condones stealing…. And 52 per cent of the parents said Cinderella didn’t send a good message to their children as it portrays a young woman doing housework all day.”