“No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.”
 — Every time the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration issues this kind of official statement, it just makes me believe more. Just how naive does the government think we are? In any case, the video embed above includes the single greatest guitar solo ever recorded by anybody with fins or without.

Got plans for July 10th? Liar! That’s like 8 days from now, you’re not that organized. Anyway, here’s what you should do: Head to the Strand for the launch of Significant Objects (the book

). “Join contributors LUC SANTE, MATTHEW SHARPE, MIMI LIPSON, BEN GREENMAN, ANNIE NOCENTI, SHELLEY JACKSON, JASON GROTE and Editors JOSHUA GLENN and ROB WALKER as they read their stories from and celebrate the release of SIGNIFICANT OBJECTS: 100 EXTRAORDINARY STORIES ABOUT ORDINARY THINGS.” So yeah, do that.

Stream Swing Lo Magellan, the new record from Dirty Projectors, here. Seriously, go stream it. Don’t make me tell you again.

by Sarah Marshall

Now that we’ve looked at presidential pets and favorite foods, let’s explore their honeymoons. It’s difficult to judge which has been the most romantic presidential honeymoon in history; possibly a draw between the Nixons’ canned pork-and-beans for breakfast or the honeymoon hours spent by the newlywed wife of Woodrow Wilson compiling the index of a new edition of his book Congressional Government, A Study in American Politics. In any case, if we were to rank presidents in order of greatness of their honeymoons, it would give us a system that might place otherwise mediocre or downright awful presidents at the top, and America’s best leaders near the bottom. Perhaps no one would suffers more under this than Abraham Lincoln with his rented rooms with Mary at the Globe Tavern, but my memories of high-school American history seem to provide vague indications that he had other strengths.

• Barack and Michelle Robinson Obama: The California coast

• George and Laura Welch Bush: Cozumel, Mexico (cut short because George needed to return to his Congressional campaign).

• Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton: Haiti

• George and Barbara Pierce Bush: Sea Island, Georgia

• Ronald and Nancy Davis Reagan: Phoenix

We drove to Phoenix, and along the way my new husband stopped at roadside animal places which featured rattlesnakes and similar creatures.

‘We’ve got a ranch now,’ he kept saying. ‘You’ll have to learn what these things look like.’

Sure. But on my honeymoon? “ — Nancy Reagan, My Turn

• Jimmy and Eleanor Rosalynn Smith Carter — Chimney Rock, North Carolina

• Gerald and Elizabeth Bloomer Warren Ford: Ann Arbor, Michican (included football games and campaign rallies).

• Richard and Thelma “Pat” Ryan Nixon: Mexico

For our honeymoon we drove for two weeks through Mexico. We had very little money, so we had stocked up on canned foods in order to avoid the expense of restaurants. After we were on our way, we discovered that our friends had removed the labels from all our cans, and thus every meal became a game of chance. Several times we ended up having pork and beans for breakfast and grapefruit slices for dinner” — Richard Nixon, RN

• Lyndon and Claudia “Lady Bird” Taylor Johnson: Monterrey and Mexico City, Mexico

“What Lyndon seemed to have liked most about the honeymoon was sex. Lady Bird did not complain about her aggressive husband, but on their return to San Antonio before leaving for Washington, she made a hurried appointment with a gynecologist.” ” — Randall Bennett Woods, Lyndon Baines Johnson

• John F. and Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy — Acapulco, Mexico

• Dwight and Mamie Doud Eisenhower: Colorado, Kansas, and Texas

• Harry and Elizabeth “Bess” Wallace Truman: The Harrington Inn in Port Huron, Michigan

• Franklin and Anna Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt [not a typo]: A grand tour of Europe

• Herbert and Lou Henry Hoover: A cruise to China, where Herbert would begin work as a mining consultant to Emperor Guangxu. Both Herbert and Lou spoke fluent Mandarin.

• Calvin and Grace Goodhue Coolidge: Montréal (cut from two weeks to one at Grace’s suggestion).

• Warren G. and Florence “Flossie” Kling DeWolfe Harding: After a wedding at Warren’s home in Marion, Ohio, the couple did not take a honeymoon but instead focused all their attentions on Warren’s career as publisher of the Marion Daily Star. Florence refused to wear a wedding ring, saying she didn’t like “badges,” and insisted that the wedding take place between 8:00 and 8:30, as she believed it was bad luck to do anything important while the minute hand was between six and twelve.

• Woodrow and Ellen Axson Wilson: A four-room cottage in Arden, Georgia, where they remained for two months while Woodrow prepared to teach history at Bryn Mawr and Ellen prepared the index a new edition of Woodrow’s book, Congressional Government, A Study in American Politics.

• Woodrow and Edith Bolling Galt Wilson: Two weeks in Hot Springs, Virginia, and White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia. (Woodrow may have chosen a modest honeymoon in part to discourage the rumors that had attended his courtship of Edith, as some Washington gossips had gone so far as to allege that she’d murdered the former First Lady in order to take her place. These rumors were helped along by a misprint in the Washington Post, which printed an article that intended to tell readers that, during a night at the theater, “rather than paying attention to the play the President spent the evening entertaining Mrs. Galt,” but instead read “rather than paying attention to the play the President spent the evening entering Mrs. Galt.”)

• William Howard and Helen Harron Taft: A grand tour of Europe

• Theodore and Edith Carow Roosevelt: A grand tour of Europe

• William and Ida Saxton McKinley: New York

• Grover and Frances Folsom Cleveland: Following the first and thus far the only Presidential wedding to take place in the White House (which, incidentally, made Frances, at 21, the youngest first lady in history), the Clevelands spent five days in Maryland’s Cumberland Mountains. (During Cleveland’s first term, his sister Rose had served as first lady.)

• Benjamin and Caroline Scott Harrison: North Bend, Ohio

• Chester A. and Ellen “Nell” Herndon Arthur: Vacationed for two weeks before returning home to live with Ellen’s mother in Virginia. Nell died a year before Chester was elected Vice President, and when he became President following Garfield’s death a year later, his sister served as First Lady in an official capacity. He never remarried.

• James A. and Lucretia “Crete” Rudolph Garfield: In lieu of a honeymoon, the Garfields immediately moved into their new home in Hiram, Ohio.

• Rutherford B. and Lucy Webb Hayes: Rutherford’s sister’s house in Columbus, Ohio.

• Ulysses S. and Julia Dent Grant: A four-month trip to Louisville, Kentucky and Georgetown, Ohio, where they visited Ulysses’ parents, who had refused to attend the wedding because Julia’s family kept slaves.

• Andrew and Eliza McCardle Johnson: Eliza, 16 years old to Andrew’s 18, married younger than any First Lady before or since. The couple were wed by Mordecai Lincoln, a relative of the future president, and following ceremony the Johnsons moved in with Eliza’s mother.

• Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln: In lieu of a honeymoon the couple moved into the Globe Tavern in Springfield, Illinois, where they rented a room at a rate of four dollars a week, in which they would remain for nearly a year.

• James Buchanan never married; his niece, Harriet Lane, served as first lady during his presidency.

• Franklin and Jane Appleton Pierce: Six days in a boardinghouse near Washington, D.C.

• Millard and Abigail Powers Fillmore: Forgoing a honeymoon, the Fillmores married in Moravia, New York, and settled immediately afterwards in East Aurora, 150 miles away.

• Zachary and Margaret “Peggy” Smith Taylor: Following their wedding, Peggy remained on the Kentucky farm given to the couple by the groom’s father, while Zachary, then a lieutenant in the U.S. army, worked in the west.

• James K. and Sarah Childress Polk: After a wedding at the Childress plantation in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, the couple enjoyed numerous parties thrown for them by friends and family, then moved into a two-room house in nearby Columbia.

• John and Letitia Christian Tyler: The couple married at Letitia’s family plantation in Virginia, and forwent a honeymoon. Letitia was to suffer a stroke two years before her husband took office, and would die, at 51, as the result of another stroke during Tyler’s presidency, making her the first first lady to die in the White House. (She remains the first lady with the shortest lifespan.)

• John and Julia Gardiner Tyler: Following a brief courtship and secret wedding in New York, the Tylers honeymooned in Philadelphia and Sherwood Forest, the Virginia plantation that Tyler, who was 30 years older than his new wife, had bought for his retirement.

• William Henry and Anna Symmes Harrison: Fort Washington in Cincinnati, Ohio, where the groom was stationed at the time. Though officially a first lady, Anna never resided in the White House during her husband’s 30-day term.

• Martin and Hannah Hoes Van Buren: First cousins and childhood sweethearts, the couple were married at the bride’s sister’s home in Catskill, New York. It’s unknown whether they honeymooned; Hannah died of tuberculosis 20 years before Van Buren’s presidency, and Van Buren omitted any mention of her from his autobiography. During his presidency the role of first lady was filled by his daughter-in-law, Angelica Singleton Van Buren.

• Andrew and Rachel Donelson Robards Jackson: After their first attempt to marry was rendered invalid by the disclosure that the bride was already married to another, Rachel obtained the first divorce in Kentucky history and the Jacksons were married a second time. After their first wedding, they had honeymooned at the Natchez Trace. (Rachel died shortly before her husband took office, and the position of first lady was filled first by the president’s niece, Emily Donelson, who resigned during a rift with the president over the Petticoat Affair, and then by Sarah Yorke Jackson, the president’s daughter-in-law.)

• John Quincy and Louisa Johnson Adams: Louisa, who was born in London and remains the only First Lady born outside the United States, married John Quincy at London’s All Hallows Barking Parish. The young couple forwent a honeymoon and moved to Berlin, and Louisa did not come to the United States until four years after their wedding.

• James and Elizabeth Kortright Monroe: Long Island

“Our friend Monro [sic] was married & next morning decamp’d for Long Island with the little smiling Venus in his Arms, where they have taken house, to avoid fulsome Complements during their first Transports.” — Congressman Stephen M. Mitchell, in a letter to a friend

• James and Dolley Payne Todd Madison: Winchester, Virginia, at the home of James’ sister Nelly Hite.

• Thomas and Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson: A cottage on the Monticello property, as the mansion had yet to be built. (Martha died 19 years before Thomas became president; their daughter, Martha Washington Jefferson Randolph, served as first lady.)

• John and Abigail Smith Adams: The couple moved into their new home in Braintree, Massachusetts, on the evening of their wedding day.

• George and Martha Dandridge Curtis Washington: The aptly named White House Plantation, Martha’s home during her first marriage.

Related: Presidential Pets and All The Presidents’ Menus

On her honeymoon, Sarah Marshall would like to travel (and eat) like the Helen Taft and Edith Roosevelt, but will probably end up working like Ellen Wilson, eating canned beans like Pat Nixon, and mooching off of relatives like Peggy Taylor.

There are some artists that really needn’t bother starting a song with the lyrics “Sometimes I wish that I was dead.” Spiritualized’s Jason Pierce is such an artist. But it doesn’t matter (I guess that’s sort of the whole point, isn’t it?) This song, and its new video, directed by Vincent Haycock, are still great.

A series about foods we miss and our quests to recreate them.

I have no idea why the chicken wing was the food to make it out of Buffalo. I mean, I understand the appeal, but its ultimate success is baffling when you consider my beloved hometown’s other signature dish — the beef on weck, which, were this a right world, would be the Buffalo food on every bar menu. It’s a very simple sandwich: roast beef and horseradish, but it’s the roll that’s key. It requires kummelweck, which is hard to find outside of western New York, and that might be what’s held the beef on weck back from world domination.

Unfortunately, Buffalo is not a major tourist destination. There are endless reasons to spend a lovely weekend in Buffalo, but that’s a discussion for another time. Let’s face it, most of you probably have zero reason to visit the City of No Illusions.* If you want a weck, you’ll have to make it yourself. Or ask your friends from Buffalo to do it for you (make some friends from Buffalo! Us ex-pats are everywhere and all we want to do is feed you roast beef sandwiches and talk about the greatest comeback in football history**).

The Weck Creation Myth hinges on two main points. The first is that William Wahr, a German immigrant and baker, gets credit for bringing kummelweck to Buffalo.*** Whether this meant inventing it or importing the style of roll is a subject of debate. Either way: hero status.

The second step in its origin is a little murkier. This version is my favorite: at the 1901 Pan-American Exposition, an enterprising saloon owner with excellent location — right outside the exposition gates — wanted to serve a sandwich to fair attendees that would make them order more beer. He used a salty roll and a spicy condiment on a run-of-the-mill sandwich and, well, the rest is history.

I don’t live in the city anymore, and I rarely return home more than once a year. When I do visit, I make sure to arrive hungry. The best weck in Buffalo can be found at Charlie the Butcher, which is right around the corner from the airport.**** This means avoiding morning flights; Charlie’s doesn’t open until 10 a.m. The rest of the year I am utterly weckless, scouring the Internet for pictures of the sandwiches as a sad substitute for the real salty, savory thing. During one of these Google odysseys, around page 7 of image search results, it hit me: this is not a difficult sandwich. I can have beef on weck any time I want!

I made the trip out to Wegmans, aka Supermarket Valhalla, for ingredients, but you should be able to find everything on this list at just about any grocery store. Wegmans is based in western New York, so they carry many area products, including kummelweck rolls, but I went with plain kaiser for our purposes today. Underneath the salt and seeds, kummelweck is at heart a kaiser roll. And the sandwich turned out so well I had one for the next five meals. I’d call that success.

Components:

(I find it hard to call these ingredients, as there is almost no cooking involved, just assembly.)

• kaiser roll
• hearty pinch of rock salt (like the kind used for pretzels. If you can’t get this, any salt with granules larger than table salt will do. I used sea salt and it was fine)
• hearty pinch of caraway seeds
• egg wash (one egg, beaten)
• the best roast beef you can find. You can roast a beef yourself if you want, but it’s 97 degrees outside right now. In this weather, minimal oven use is key.
• au jus. Sometimes the deli will have this in little containers, sometimes you have to use the powder in a packet.
• prepared horseradish (not cream, please! Gross.)
• a pickle spear

1. Slice the kaiser roll. Dip the top in the egg wash, then sprinkle the caraway seeds and rock salt on top. Be generous: ideally, your top lip will tingle post-sandwich.

2. In a warmed oven (approx 150 degrees), heat both sides of the roll for three or four minutes.

3. Warm the au jus on the stovetop (or if you’re my dad, on a saucer in the microwave. Whichev.) to somewhere between room temperature and a simmer.

4. Carefully dip the top bun in the au jus. Not a dunk or anything, just enough to moisten the part that borders the rest of the sandwich.

4a. (Optional) If your beef seems dry, dip that in the au jus, too

5. Pile the beef on the bottom bun, slightly higher than you think it will be able to fit in your mouth.

6. Add a heaping scoop of horseradish. Note that the jar of horseradish I used has a beef on weck on the label. Clearly, they know their customers.

7. Assemble sandwich. Garnish with pickle spear.

8. Enjoy sandwich immediately.

Pairing: a cold Genny, some kind of sporting event.

* Other nicknames include the City of Good Neighbors, the Nickel City, the Queen City, B-Snack, B-Lo, and the City of Light. Not to be confused with that *other* City of Light — or Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light.

** You can watch the whole thing on YouTube, starting here. Totally worth it for the graphics alone. It is also available on Netflix.

*** The city of Buffalo is always fighting about what to do with the gorgeous waterfront property currently occupied by a defunct steel plant. I fully expect that whatever they decide upon will include a statue of Wahr and Teressa Bellissimo holding hands in victory, possibly over a seated Tim Russert.

****Should you fly into Buffalo, take note of the music playing over the PA. It’s the Goo Goo Dolls. It’s always the Goo Goo Dolls.

Previously: My Attempt To Make The Perfect Nebraska Runza

Victoria Johnson also suggests eggs beneweckt, which involves replacing the top bun with a poached egg and a sprinkle of salt & seeds. She’s still perfecting the horseradish hollandaise.

How TED works: de-facted emotional appeals, shot well, crafted into parables of the good life. (In the New Yorker, subscription-only.)

“I can’t produce premium shows like ‘CSI’ without advertising.”
 — Les Moonves makes a terrible, terrible argument in favor of advertising-supported “content.”

Sure thing, boss. And everyone who’s ever asked Anderson Cooper straight up if he was gay and then taken flack for not being able to print it lifts a hearty gay middle finger! Eh, whatever, no hard feelings, God bless, let’s all slide down the firepole in our converted firehouses together.

With less than a month to go before the Knifecrime Island Olympics, Pet Shop Boys have released their new single, “Winner.” I am very glad that this video includes lyrics, because I was incredibly puzzled by the line that seemed to sound like “Win or lose/I hate my Jews” and was glad to have visual confirmation that I misheard it.