I guess I’ll wait for the jetpacks, although if this is any indication they will probably look like old-people luggage.

Man, you really have to wonder where millennials ever got the idea that they mattered in the first place. [Earlier]

I had started to post the new video from stately Brooklyn art rockers The National here a moment ago. But then Pitchfork alerted me to the fact that the video was a remake of the one above — from ’80s Russian band Zvuki Mu. And the original is better. So we’ll go with that. The National have a new album, Trouble Will Find Me, coming out on the 20th, and this past weekend they played a single song for six hours straight at the MOMA PS1 museum in Queens. Here’s the set list from that show.

“I’m in a mid-rise co-op complex with three balconied buildings that face a common courtyard. Rather than using them to appreciate the view, most people seem to use their balconies as repositories for junk. It’s such an eyesore. What can I do?”

“Republican mayoral candidate Joe Lhota apologized Wednesday for calling Port Authority police officers ‘nothing more than mall cops’ at a candidates forum Tuesday evening. The apology comes a few months after Mr. Lhota, then chairman of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, apologized to Mayor Michael Bloomberg for referring to him as an ‘idiot.’ And that came a few weeks after Mr. Lhota apologized for a heated exchange in which he urged an authority board member to ‘be a man.’ That apology came a few months after Mr. Lhota apologized to a state senator whom he had accused of talking a lot about fighting rats in the subway, but taking no action.”
 — I guess after a decade of Mike Bloomberg’s more restrained registrations of displeasure — the visible disgust and dripping condescension in his voice that comes right up to the line of suggesting that his questioner is not particularly bright but rarely crosses over it — it would be nice to have a mouthy mayor again, but come on, lesson number one is “never apologize.” Giuliani taught you better than that.

Photo by Metropolitan Transportation Authority / Adam Lisberg

Appearing here Wednesdays, Turning The Screw provides existential crisis counseling for the faint of heart. “Because laughter is only the best medicine if you can’t afford the other ones.”

Dear Polly,

I am recently hot for a man who is also hot for me. But my very closest friend has been hot for him for a year. He told her after one make out session that he just wants to be friends with her, but she has been hoping for more anyway. She has worried about me meeting him because of potential hot times between me and him. I am not some raging slut. I assume she sensed that he and I might fancy each other/be a good match. I told her back then that I would never move in on her game. When I did meet him, I was almost cold and certainly strongly-boundaried for many months to demonstrate and enact my loyalty! But as time goes by, I have decided to relax and be myself because they are coming to terms with a friendship despite her longing for more from him. Last night we all hung out and he and I hit it off in a big way. I am into him, but I feel like a jerk. I told him “no” and said “because of my friend” and now I am simultaneously frustrated, guilty, and resentful. She is much more important to me than he is. So is that the end of it? I honestly don’t know that my love and loyalty for her mean I cannot get to know him more and/or bang him.

How do I get the sex and love I want when girls be calling dibs on all the dudes?

Signed,

Frustrated Fran

Dear FF,

Interesting that your nickname is FF (Friends Forever!), because if you go after this guy, you’re not going to have your best friend for very much longer.

If you’d both met the guy at the same time, and you’d always embraced an equal opportunity spirit around the guys you meet, then this wouldn’t be an issue. She likes the guy, you like the guy, the guy likes you: What can you do?

But that’s not what happened. She met this guy, fell for him, and then mooned over him for a long time. Her imagination has been in overdrive. From his perspective, it was hardly ever a thing. They made out once. But from your friend’s perspective, this guy is looming large. She still has feelings for him, and still hopes that he’ll wake up and see that the two of them are meant to be together. He is important to her. Even if she’s deluded, even if it’ll never work out, even if he likes you and not her, he’s important to her.

You met the guy through her. She told you from the start that she was worried about introducing you. Maybe that’s calling dibs, or maybe that’s just telling your best friend how you feel because you’re trying to protect your friendship with her. She could’ve said, “Look, I’m going to hang out with this guy without you around, because I don’t want to feel competitive with you and he’s really important to me.” She could’ve cut you out. But she didn’t. Why? Because you assured her that you would never move in on her game.

This is your best friend we’re talking about, not some acquaintance or sort-of friend. She was worried, and you reassured her, “I would never do that to you.”

Now, if you really feel strongly that what you’re missing out on is True Love — and not just an urge to “bang him” as you put it — then you could sit down with her and tell her that you feel like there’s potential there but you won’t do anything without her blessing. She’ll probably say, “That upsets me, you know I like him, I can’t deal with that.” And then you know: this could end your friendship. Does she have a right to tell you how she feels about it? Sure, she does. Whether or not it’s totally rational, she’s still into him. Telling yourself that she’s silly and you should be able to do whatever you want is natural, since she’s standing in the way of the candy jar. But that doesn’t mean you should disregard her feelings and grab the candy. You said yourself that the friendship was much more important to you than he was.

If you two were older, the conversation might go differently. Your friend might say, “Aw, whatever. He’s not into me. Who am I to stand in the way of love? You two have a real shot at something great.” But that’s not even what this situation sounds like. You just want to get down with the guy. And how is your friend “calling dibs on all the dudes” anyway? She’s liked one guy for a whole year, and now you want him.

If you really want to trade your best friend in for a guy, that’s obviously your choice. But how are you going to feel about yourself if you do that, after you promised you wouldn’t? This is as much about respecting yourself and honoring your own values as it is about honoring someone else’s. Isn’t the magic between you two partially fueled by the notion that you’re forbidden from hooking up? How are you going to feel after you two make out, and it’s just ok, and then he never calls you again — and neither does your best friend? Whether or not she has any real claim on him is sort of beside the point. This is about her feelings about you, your feelings about yourself, and your closest friendship.

Sometimes I think that women don’t really learn how to keep their love relationships from falling apart until they learn how to commit to their female friends, hear them out, and honor their feelings even when things get a little rough. Personally, until I learned to be completely honest with my female friends, to trust them, and to stick with them through thick and thin, I don’t think I was remotely ready to settle down with a guy. When you turn your back on your (good, trust-worthy) female friends, you’re really making it clear that you’re incapable of honor and intimacy of any kind, whether it’s with friends, family, or significant others.

You didn’t say a thing about what makes this guy special. I’m guessing that he’s not so special at all. There are lots of other guys out there. Stop fixating on him and move on. If he is still very interested six months or a year from now, and you’re still very interested in him, then maybe you can talk your friend about your feelings. But for now, don’t mess with your friendship just because you want to get laid. It’s easy to get dismissive and grabby when you want someone, but rest assured, karma will bite you in the ass every time. That kind of selfishness is bad for your soul.

Polly

Dear Polly,

I’m not sure where to start with this, so I’ll just jump in.

My husband and I have been married for 9 years now. For the most part, our marriage is pretty great. We love each other. We try to be supportive. We fight, but usually manage to work things out. Our communication styles are pretty different. I’m confrontational, whereas he shuts down. We’ve worked on closing this gap together and it’s not perfect, but it works.

My husband comes from a family with some serious dysfunction (their mother wasn’t a very good one, and his brother and sister are messes), and he always likes to say that he doesn’t know how he turned out so normal. My background is the opposite — big family, parents married for 50 years. We did have our dysfunction (what family doesn’t?), but we all turned out ok.

When my husband and I married, we talked about having 2 kids. I never imagined having only 1 child. 3 feels like the magic number, but I was willing to settle for 2. After the birth of our son, however, he changed his mind. I heard “we can’t afford it,” and “he’s so perfect, why do we need to do it again?” and even “maybe later we’ll be able to afford it.” (When he told me that our baby-making days were done, I decided to go back to school part time. He wasn’t happy about it, but has been supportive, mostly. I’m not sure why I mention that, but it feels important.)

Polly, I spent my 20s and most of my 30s dicking around, dating jerks, trying to get my career-slash-life off the ground. When I met and fell in love with my husband, I was 36. We married 2 years later. He was the only man I ever seriously wanted to marry. We had our son 2 years after that. I was 40. I’m 46 now. Another fun note: hubby has a busybody family member who would always comment on my age, how OF COURSE we would only have one child, she had a friend who was my age when she married, blah blah blah… I avoid her now.

It’s led to fights. During a particularly bad one, I accused him of pulling a “bait & switch” on me. I don’t want my son to be an only child.

I’ve been advised by some friends that I could have an “accident” and get pregnant that way. Trickery is not an option in marriage. This decision is one that needs to come from both of us. Part of the problem for me is that HE decided this. I’ve told him this, but he just says “But we’ve talked about this!” NO. He’s talked about this. I had no say.

I feel betrayed and hurt, and it’s affecting my feelings for my husband. I’m so filled with resentment I’ve been starting fights with him. He, on the other hand, is oblivious. He just doesn’t get why it bothers me so. I told him I wanted us to seek counseling. He says that I’m the one who needs it, not him. Maybe he’s right? I’m angry. At him for not wanting another child, and at myself for not accepting this and being content with what I have.

My friends are all having their 2nd and 3rd children. I’m happy for them, but… I’m jealous. Recently I broached the subject again to hubby. His response was: “You’re older now, do you REALLY want to be changing diapers at 50?” (Of course if we’d had another child when I’d wanted, he or she would be OUT of diapers by now.)

I love him, and I don’t question his love for me. I KNOW that I am a fortunate person. I feel like a big navel-gazing ASS for letting this bother me so much. I have a husband who would walk through fire for me. We have a beautiful son, a great kid. But every time my boy asks why he doesn’t have a brother or sister (he’s at that age) it hurts.

I have much to be thankful for. How can I get through this and be happy with what I have?

A Class A Mess

Dear ACAM,

I’m going to be blunt, if not for your benefit, than for someone else’s. If you get married at 38 and you know you want two kids, you’ve got to make that aggressively clear to your spouse at the time. If you have a baby at 40 and suddenly your spouse tells you he/she doesn’t want another one, you had better fucking press the issue relentlessly. Saying “If we’re not going to have another kid, I guess I’ll go back to school” is not pressing the issue. I hate to say this, but it’s sounds like you may have used his guilt over the second kid issue to get something else you wanted (since you say he had mixed feelings about your going back to school). I’m not blaming you for adjusting to your husband’s desires and trying to make your life better in the process, but I am telling you that becoming increasingly angry at him over the course of six years feels unfair, and points to a not very healthy tendency to sweep your feelings under the rug instead of addressing them directly.

You say you’re confrontational. Being confrontational in a marriage can actually be healthy, IF you address issues as they come up. But being confrontational about your regrets, and blaming your husband for decisions that were made, together, six years ago? That’s a way of refusing to take responsibility for your own decisions. Maybe you felt that you couldn’t change his mind back then. But if you were going to throw down the gauntlet, that probably should’ve happened then, not now. You’re 46 years old. If I were your husband, and you seemed to agree to a certain course of action, and then you reversed yourself once it was quite possibly too late to do anything about it? I would be annoyed, too. He still needs to deal with the fallout from all of this, but let’s just admit right now that his reaction isn’t all that far-fetched.

Yes, it can be tough to remember what you want from your life once you’re married. It can be easy to lay the blame on someone else when things don’t happen exactly the way you want them to. But nothing will destroy a marriage faster than allowing your true desires to get paved over, and then blaming your partner for ruining your life.

And for all the other married/committed partners who are going along with some loose plan to have kids “eventually”? You’re the only person who knows what a big thing this is for you. You’re not going to serve anyone by pretending to be fine with whatever happens, and then freaking out and feeling contemptuous when it turns out that your partner never really wanted kids to begin with, or that it’s pretty goddamn hard to get pregnant after the age of 39. (And no, getting pregnant immediately the first time has nothing to do with the second time. Everyone I know over 39 has had to work for several months to get pregnant, and some never succeeded. No one likes to hear this, as if it’s anti-woman to admit that we’re animals and not superheroes with total control over our bodies. But don’t mistake denial for empowerment. Talk to a doctor or do a little research about pregnancy, age and the cost of fertility treatments.)

In the interest of cleaning up this messy emotional state you’re in, and extracting the contempt you have for your husband that he can’t possible be responsible for, I’d suggest that you see your doctor, get a sonogram, and check your hormone levels. If getting pregnant is a real possibility for you, then you should insist that your husband to sit down with you and a therapist and talk about what you both want.

If pregnancy isn’t possible without spending $30k on IVF or adopting, and that’s not something either of you is prepared to do, then the conversation shifts dramatically. But you still have to see a therapist, alone AND with your husband, to work through your anger and resentment over this issue, and to put your hopes of having another kid to rest if you can. To be clear, your husband is absolutely wrong that he shouldn’t have to hear you out on this subject. If he wants to have a decent marriage, he MUST hear you out — whether you’re worked up about something he just did or said, or worked up over the imaginary aliens floating around in your head. Listening and talking to your spouse when you’d rather be doing something else? That’s part of the fucking deal. Saying “This is your problem, not mine” is a really good way to turn one little problem into a bunch of great big problems overnight.

So I do understand why your anger is increasing, even though your window for having another kid may have shut. Even so, you have to separate your anger at yourself — for not standing up for what you wanted in the past, and not accepting what you have now — from your anger at him. And he needs to separate his frustration with what he sees as your irrational behavior from his ability to listen, and to make good decisions about your future together, moving forward. Refusing to listen doesn’t solve the problem.

I would caution you against putting the kid thing to rest without tackling all of the denial, blame, guilt, self-hatred, contempt that’s in the mix right now. These things aren’t going to sort themselves out by pretending they’re not there. You need to make it very clear to your husband that you two have a lot to discuss and work through. Try to enlist his help without blaming him or getting angry at him, but make sure that he understands that your marriage is at stake.

Yes, of course you should feel grateful for what you have. That’s the goal. But right now, you’re depressed and anxious and confused and hurt, and your husband is turning his back on all of that and telling you to get over it. Like I said, I understand why he’s annoyed with you. I can also see why you’re furious with him. This started out as a kid thing, but it’s even bigger than that now, and both of you have to work through this mess in order to feel gratitude for your life together. You’ll get there, but you have a lot of hard work to do first.

Polly

Is someone angry at you for being so angry? Write to Polly so she can get angry at both of you!

Heather Havrilesky (aka Polly Esther) is The Awl’s existential advice columnist. She’s also a regular contributor to The New York Times Magazine, and is the author of the memoir Disaster Preparedness (Riverhead 2011). She blogs here about scratchy pants, personality disorders, and aged cheeses.

Top photo by “Sarah”; bottom photo by Joann Choo.

★★★ The humid air and the breeze were in a dispute over how the day should feel — stuffy! No, chilly! — and the body caught in the middle of the argument found itself constantly being jostled. Downtown smelled like a wharf. Eye muscles tightened painfully against the colorless glare. The trees had lost their blooms and were plain green now. The sun went out and in. People with long-handled paint rollers were obliterating graffiti from two sides of a brick building, with dull red and a vivid but watery yellow, the excess dripping on plastic sheets below. A man was out walking in the sunshine, dressed for brightness: pants a bit more glowing than lime green and a shirt somewhere past royal blue toward turquoise, two particular shades that exactly matched the trim on his sneakers.

“And a note on Batman’s penis, which I thought of last week and feel compelled to share with you — I don’t think it’s the biggest penis out there, just like Batman’s not the biggest, strongest dude. Batman’s body is the human body at its maximum physical potential, which means his penis is at the maximum potential, too. Which isn’t entirely about size, but also concerns girth and shape. It can’t be too big, because that could hurt some folk, plus it would probably get in the way of his crimefighting. There’s some perfect size ratio out there for providing maximum sexual pleasure to the greatest amount of people, and that’s where Batman’s penis is at.”

Wait, so college psychology students aren’t completely representative of the rest of our species? How will we ever believe bullshit studies again?

by Krugmanic Depressive

24. Nash Equilibrium/Stackelberg Competition

23. The Production Function

22. Pareto Optimality

21. The Phillips Curve

20. The Gauss–Markov theorem

19. Hysteresis

18. Say’s Law

17. The Lucas critique

16. Theory of the Firm

15. Quantity theory of money

14. Keynesian Stabilization

13. Efficient-Market Hypothesis

12. Ricardian Equivalence

11. Dynamic Stochastic General Equilibrium (DSGE)

10. The Agency Dilemma

9. Rational Expectations

8. Information Asymmetry

7. The Coase theorem

6. IS/LM

5. The Random walk hypothesis

4. Sticky Prices and Wages

3. Prospect theory

2. Augmented Dickey-Fuller test

1. The Liquidity Trap

Krugmanic Depressive is the handle of an Awl commenter who also has a real life.