The Trump Train is the Only Thing More Useless and Crippled Than the MTA

And other answers to questions you didn’t ask.

“OK, OK. I voted for Trump. And now I know it was a huge mistake. What do I do?” —Mike America Great Again

We all make mistakes. I once paid money to see “Prometheus” in a movie theater. I willingly joined the Columbia Record and Tape Club. And, famously, I once traded all my baseball cards to my brother for all of his football cards. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we are forced with a terrible decision, in which clearly there are no winners. In the poem by Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken” it doesn’t matter which path the speaker takes, for both paths lead straight to Hell. Robert Frost was kind of a creep.

And I can certainly understand that some people did not want Hillary Clinton to become President of the United States. Let us just, frankly, imagine what the last 7 months would have been like if Clinton had been elected with this Congress. We’d already be on our second impeachment trial. Her approval ratings would probably be in the tank, too. Not because of the chaos, the nuclear brinksmanship or the pretty-much-overt racism. But because people didn’t like either of the candidates for President very much. And you’d have this loud-mouth loser Trump guy tweeting at her every day that the election was taken away from him. Maybe it was better that he won the Electoral College and will go on to be one of the worst Presidents we’ve ever had? So that people can no longer fantasize about what an “outsider” Presidency looks like. It looks like someone who shouldn’t be President, that’s what it looks like.

It’s tough to imagine that voting for Donald Trump was a moral choice for anyone except the true believers who think that the Clintons drop bodies like the Sopranos. And I’d be careful about spreading those rumors too far and wide or else Killary will get you, too. But I do understand that there are Republicans who truly believed that Trump would do Republican things. Cut taxes, shrink government, appoint Republican judges. Some people cast their vote for Trump simply to get someone like Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court. Which will be bitterly, bitterly weird when Justice Gorsuch rules against Trump at some point in the inevitable United States v. Trump. But now that it’s clear that Trump may be the worst thing to ever happen to Republicans, that he may eat them from inside like one of those Non-Prometheus Alien movie aliens. Which I guess would be bad for them, although nothing all that bad ever seems to happen to Republicans for very long. They bounce back from certain doom all the time.

You could give some money to some place that currently needs it due to your vote for Donald Trump. Depending on your political stances try the Anti-Defamation League, The NAACP, The ACLU, the Wounded Warrior Project or Planned Parenthood. Money makes most problems go away and is the easiest way to drown your guilty emotions in soothing waves of goodness.

You could write a letter of apology to Abraham Lincoln that you let his Republican Party fall into the hands of such an obviously moronic grifter. Just address it to President Lincoln Lincoln, NE 66666, it’ll get there. The longer you wait to turn on this guy the worse it’s going to be for you. If you don’t cut bait with him over his fawning approval of Nazis and the KKK, what’s it going to take? Today he’s probably going to nuke the moon during the eclipse. We’re all going to moonless. No more eclipses! Via Presidential missile decree!


Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ.


Image: Adam Schwartz via Flickr