White People Want to Put Mayo on Everything For Some Reason

And answers to other questions you didn’t ask.

Image: Ernesto Andrade

“What do white people want?” — Baffled Ben

I’ve been a white person my whole life. Many of my friends happen to be white people. I think I can state definitively that I know exactly what white people want. More episodes of “Frasier.” For Nirvana to somehow get back together. And for mayonnaise to always be spread all over everything for some reason. What is up with all the mayo? Lobster tastes great with butter. Why smother it with mayonnaise? It makes lobster taste like mayo. It’s like putting a Camaro engine in a lawn mower.

It’s not exactly tough being white in this country, but it’s clearly coming to an end. This must be how the dinosaurs felt in the years after the meteor hit the Earth. Kind of anticlimactic. It’s kind of like being 5th-Act Hamlet. At that point, even Hamlet knows he has no future and that everyone he cares about will soon be dead. Might as well go down drinking poison wine and fighting like hell with your poisoned sword. The United States aging out of its white patriarchy, it turns out, is not a toilet fire worth attending.

There hasn’t been a cool white President since Ronald Reagan. And he wasn’t cool. He was just unapologetic, full of swagger and sometimes funny. That Obama guy really bent some white people out of shape. He’s smarter, funnier, cooler and classier than most of us can ever dream to be. If he had been white, there would be elementary schools in every city in America named after him. As it is, he’ll have to be satisfied by being the best President since World War II.

White people want the same things as everyone. Happiness. Power. A Bright Future. Also to feel like they’re winning. Being a Yankees fan is tough. They’ve won the most championships in all of baseball. But they haven’t won a World Series since 2009. And that’s a level of mediocrity they’re just not capable of comprehending. Sure, they went the whole ’80s without winning a World Series. Everybody became Mets fans for a few years in the middle of all that. So it wasn’t so bad. But not winning for a while can be as excruciating as never winning. People who have never won don’t know what they’re missing. People who win all the time do.

Imagine starting a poker game with a huge pile of chips and slowly giving them away over the course of the game. No one wants the game to end, even though it will. Soon white people will be the minority in this country. That’s just math and science, which Americans do not believe in. Most of them don’t read either. Because there is no mayonnaise inside of books.

Should you have a ton of empathy for the plight of White Americans? No, you shouldn’t. You can always visit the National White People Museum whenever that opens up. Or Celebrate White People Appreciation Day, which could be in August, when we could use another long weekend. Until then, it’s probably best for white people to switch from mayo to hot sauce.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.