Slow Your Impeachment Roll, This Shit is Going to Take Forever

And other unsolicited advice.

Image: Michael Sobota

“I’m getting psyched about all this Trump/Russia Stuff! Is Trump gonna be gone soon?” — Impeachment Izzy

Yes. The Marshal of the Supreme Court has already burned a Scarlet ‘I’ into the President’s manboob. Once the 13th Seal is opened by the Congressional Minotaur the Doctor from “Doctor Who” will select the next President based on Midichlorian Count. No. While it may be fun to get naked and drunk in front of the TV every night waiting for the President to be beheaded on the National Mall, it’s going to take forever. And his head isn’t rolling anywhere any time soon.

Trump’s has been an historic administration. Historically crazy. And potentially historically crooked. Like the NHL Playoffs, however, these things take a really long time to get over with. And by the end of it you will be sick of it. You may get the sense that we’re already in the 5th Act of this tragedy. In fact we’re still in the Cold Open. By the time we’re really to the point where Trump is getting on the helicopter out of Washington we might want him to stay. Because President Pence and a lot of Republicans on Capitol Hill would actually be able to get a lot of terrible things done.

But, no, Jim! We’re going to skip directly to Orrin Hatch as president because Trump, Pence and Ryan are all going to be in the same prison cell in Leavenworth. Probably not. That would be more like a coup. Generals taking over does sound much more pleasant than it probably is. And they don’t put people in federal lockup for lying to journalists. They put them on CNN. Over and over and over again.

But acting like Pizzagate tweeters is not going to make you feel better. The U.S. Marshals are not walking through that door. They’re not drafting articles of impeachment at a D.C. Kinko’s. You will not get rid of this presidency via favorite or retweet. Elections do have consequences. And most of those consequences are felt by people who have brains. It’s gonna be a tough couple of years if your intelligence can be insulted. There’s so much bliss to be had by those simply not following along. I’ve never read Proust, but I’ve spent at least 500 hours watching Lawrence O’Donnell. Isn’t that slightly upside-down?

I like to avoid disappointment later like most Gen Xers do. So I figure that everything sucks, nothing will ever work out and I plan accordingly. This so obviously feels like the end of the Comrade Trump era that it’s almost too good to be true. Can you imagine what it would feel like to have literally almost any other human being be president? That’s a tasty egg roll. If you imagine that you will never get to eat that egg roll, if you abandon all of your dreams, you will never feel disappointed. Your life will be hollow and meaningless, you will be an empty husk, but you won’t feel disappointment.

Don’t get out over your skis, people. There’s a long way to go before we’re out of the Black Lodge. It does feel nice to feel the sun on our faces, though. Even just for a minute. To think that this is all something we can survive. That down the road we might once again have a president who isn’t a horrible international embarrassment. We just have to wait for the Marshal of the Supreme Court to put all Republicans in Azkaban. It will take a while. But it is coming.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.